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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is a bit cheeky or is this ok for you?

178 replies

astarisworn · 22/09/2021 18:09

Partner of 18 months asked me to borrow £150 for a week ,as he got his pay date wrong.
I'm a little Confused. He's never asked to borrow from me before. A man of 45, good job but a lot of outgoings in rent/ maintenance/ travel. He has had some Unexpected expenses this month I guess.
AIBU to think he's a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 22/09/2021 19:33

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a 45 year old man in a “good job” who didn’t have £150 to his name.

LukeEvansWife · 22/09/2021 19:36

The judgement on this thread is unreal. Lend it to him or don't. But do you all check your potential partner's bank balance every month just in case?

waybill · 22/09/2021 19:36

Why didn't he get an overdraft or use a credit card?
Perhaps he already has those, and they are at the limit.

Verydefinitelyncforthisone · 22/09/2021 19:37

OP, if any consolation, I have lent my DP of about 6 years £45,000 in total (3 lots of £15k). He has borrowed each lot separately and has repaid it every time. He is a complete spendthrift in an idle sort of way and also spoils his children - but not my circus, not my monkey, so long as he pays me back. He is currently in debt to me again. If he didn't pay it back, he wouldn't be my DP for very long.

I am quite shrewd financially (unlike him), hence my ability to lend him money. I would never in a million years join finances with him, though, as he's a financial black hole.

namechangetheworld · 22/09/2021 19:39

If you’re asking for 150 to get you to the end of the month you’re on th bones of your arse.

The bones of his arse? Bit dramatic. He's asked to borrow money ONCE in eighteen months, due to what OP presumes is an unexpected bill.

JSL52 · 22/09/2021 19:42

He should have borrowed it from his savings.

Newmumatlast · 22/09/2021 19:43

@MrsRobbieHart

I think this is a classic example of misuse of the word partner. You clearly aren’t partners.
I agree. The only thing that would concern me about him asking is that he hasn't got much financial security but then I would look to help him budget and work this out, if I were his partner. I wouldnt be wanting him to have a certain amount for my own purposes as I am independent. But more to help him grow. Because we are partners.

I would see it as a red flag if he continually wanted to borrow and was slow to pay or if he spanked the money he borrowed on crap. But I would similarly see it as a red flag the other way - if I had a supposed partner who was reluctant to help me put of a genuinely out of the ordinary tight spot, because it would suggest to me they didnt trust me or see me as an actual partner.

And I say this as someone who has lent my partner way more than £150 in the past. He signed to say it was borrowed money and he paid me back on time every month. If I had sacked him off because of it I wouldve missed out on an amazing husband and he is way better financially now because I helped him as a partner should. He has also at times helped me out. We work together and because we have done this we are now way better financially - both of us - as we helped eachother grow rather than let eachother flounder.

SpeckledlyHen · 22/09/2021 19:45

@LukeEvansWife

The OP obviously meant "lend" rather than borrow. Bad grammar I know but it is pretty obvious what they meant.

Obvious to you - well done. Not obvious to everyone given it is the opposite of what it means. I'm not having a dig, I didn't know people said this

So when the OP said "borrow from me before" you didn't then twig what she meant lend rather than borrow from a third party? Hmm

Righty ho.

Iflyaway · 22/09/2021 19:45

I guess I had thought he would have had rainy day money.

How come after 18 months together you don't even know this?

In my life, I check a potential's guy's money sooner than later. i.e. within the first few dates. Cos I'm not a walking bank account (single mum here).

Bagamoyo1 · 22/09/2021 19:45

Massively cheeky and there’s no way I’d lend money to someone I’d only known for 18 months. And I wouldn’t want to be with someone who asked me.

Newmumatlast · 22/09/2021 19:45

@waybill

Why didn't he get an overdraft or use a credit card? Perhaps he already has those, and they are at the limit.
Or perhaps those facilities would cost and he thought he had a supportive partner who would help him out so he didnt have even more expense when in a tight spot? Same with why he doesnt use his savings. Maybe it is in an ISA or something where it doesnt make financial sense to take it out and lose interest accrued if a partner could short term lend and it be paid immediately back when paid
Standrewsschool · 22/09/2021 19:48

I understand why you are wary (I would be too), but he’s given a valid explanation.

Providing it’s a one-off, and he pays you back fairly promptly (and without making a fuss), it should be okay.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 22/09/2021 19:50

Depends on the circumstances, right? A 45 yo in a ‘good job’ but yet with no savings wouldn’t be what I was personally looking for in a partner, unless there were really extenuating circumstances that he told me about.

SpeckledlyHen · 22/09/2021 19:52

@MasterBeth

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a 45 year old man in a “good job” who didn’t have £150 to his name.
Really - the judgement on this thread and comments like "bones of his arse" are really awful. It does not make someone a bad person due to misjudging finances. Just recently I left a job, I took two weeks off unpaid then when I joined the new job I was not paid for 7 weeks because I missed the payroll run. This makes me not being paid for 9 weeks. It is a large american corporation and I missed it by 3 days. Thankfully I was fine, but I can easily see that some people would have been totally scuppered. I do not have an overdraft, nor a credit card (call me old fashioned) so I too would have been in trouble had I not had enough to see me through.

My life has not always been like this, I have lived pay check to pay check before - in those days if something like this had happened then yes I would have had to ask my partner or a family member to lend me some money before pay day.

Incidentally, one of my very good friends has just married the love of her life. She is mid 50's and her ex H is a totally and utter arsehole - he is loaded. She has married a lovely guy who is the love of her life - he is very poor. Happily enough she is not judgemental and very happy with the new poor (but delightful) husband.

amylou8 · 22/09/2021 19:53

I'd be concerned there was so little 'give' in his finances that he couldn't find £150. I'd have been less concerned if he'd asked for 10x that amount for some sort of unforseen emergency. What about credit cards and overdrafts, are they all maxed out already? I'd lend it without hesitation, but it would make me wary going forward.

rainyskylight · 22/09/2021 20:04

I have a savings account which means I lose monthly interest if I dip into it at any time. So I have maybe 1-2 times asked DH to front an unexpected cost upfront and I’ll pay him after payday because I don’t want to lose the interest. Context is everything.

LukeEvansWife · 22/09/2021 20:05

In my life, I check a potential's guy's money sooner than later. i.e. within the first few dates. Cos I'm not a walking bank account (single mum here).

How? Do you do a credit check? Hmm

I presume you wouldn't expect him to spend money on you? Because he's not a walking bank account

Standrewsschool · 22/09/2021 20:09

@rainyskylight

I have a savings account which means I lose monthly interest if I dip into it at any time. So I have maybe 1-2 times asked DH to front an unexpected cost upfront and I’ll pay him after payday because I don’t want to lose the interest. Context is everything.
I was wondering that also. Maybe it was easier and quicker to ask op, then to go to the bank to draw the money out (may not have internet banking).
Glssr195726113493 · 22/09/2021 20:12

I wouldn’t describe it as cheeky. A little unimpressive perhaps. How can a man of 45 get his pay date wrong? I’d find it pathetic and would struggle to hide that, but I’d probably lend it to him.

Verydefinitelyncforthisone · 22/09/2021 20:14

Actually...

Leaving aside the fact that my DP owes me £12,000...

I would still expect him to take me out for meals, hotels etc. Because this is what men do. Even if I am in practice paying for all of this.

Poor old men, really!

Livpool · 22/09/2021 20:15

Agreed @Heiferr

What is wrong with borrowing money from your partner. Surely being a partner means you can support then when needed

Looubylou · 22/09/2021 20:17

If he had always been single, and working, I would raise an eyebrow,if no spare cash/savings. If he has been through a divorce, been paying maintenance, had to start from scratch again, furnishing a house etc, then no raise of the eyebrow. I think I'd lend this time. Let him keep his emergency fund untouched. But not as a habit.

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 22/09/2021 20:19

If he’s truly your partner then I think it’s a reasonable request as a one-off. If he’s your boyfriend, and you don’t share any of the practicalities of your life with each other, then maybe don’t describe him as your partner 🤷🏼‍♀️

Chloemol · 22/09/2021 20:21

You mean your partner asked you to lend him £150, or he borrowed £150 from you

Sorry I just hate the term ‘asked me to borrow’ it’s not correct.

Only you know what his outgoings are that means this may just be a one off, or be one a regular event

suzy2b · 22/09/2021 20:24

Why is he asking you to borrow money who are you going to borrow from