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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is a bit cheeky or is this ok for you?

178 replies

astarisworn · 22/09/2021 18:09

Partner of 18 months asked me to borrow £150 for a week ,as he got his pay date wrong.
I'm a little Confused. He's never asked to borrow from me before. A man of 45, good job but a lot of outgoings in rent/ maintenance/ travel. He has had some Unexpected expenses this month I guess.
AIBU to think he's a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 22/09/2021 19:06

@seensome

It would put me off having a LTR with someone that had to borrow money and once you've lent once you could become his bank, I would say no.
This. At his age or even younger coming to his GF for funds could set a precedent. What’s wrong with him using an overdraft, dipping into emergency savings or sorting his finances out?
GettingItOutThere · 22/09/2021 19:06

i would say yes, lend him the money but say you want it back ON payday not a day later.

Its not unusual no to be lending money, but juts set the ground rules

LukeEvansWife · 22/09/2021 19:07

So those people who are on the bones of their arse, using food banks etc and working (because obviously many working people are unfortunately in that position Sad) - do they have money salted away? No, thought not.

Money threads always bring out the privileged

Peanutsandchilli · 22/09/2021 19:10

It's not cheeky. Why would you not help your partner out since you 'earn more than him' Hmm and he's trying his best to sort his child out for uni? Selfish much?

Anonymouslyposting · 22/09/2021 19:10

Cheeky? No, after 18 months I’d expect to be the person they turned to for help.

Worrying? Yes, a man of 45 who has a good job but doesn’t save for emergencies or know when his pay day is would concern me. Not necessarily a deal breaker but I’d want to know why he’d overspent and why he didn’t have a back up fund. If he has good reasons fine, if he’s just careless that’s be a red flag for me:

OrangeTortoise · 22/09/2021 19:11

But @LukeEvansWife the OP says he is very generous. Sounds like someone who spends more than they can afford rather than someone on the bones of their arse.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 19:11

If you can afford it and as a one off, I would lend him the money and tell him to pay me back in three monthly instalments. I was very hard up in my forties, now I am not I would always lend or give. You've been with this guy for eighteen months so you must know something of his character. If you trust him, do it. He will be so relieved. However if he asks again, I'd be wary.

LukeEvansWife · 22/09/2021 19:11

Yes OP, dump him because he's not got savings Hmm

LukeEvansWife · 22/09/2021 19:12

@OrangeTortoise

But *@LukeEvansWife* the OP says he is very generous. Sounds like someone who spends more than they can afford rather than someone on the bones of their arse.
I was making the point that people are stunned that someone doesn't have savings
Bluntness100 · 22/09/2021 19:14

@OrangeTortoise

But *@LukeEvansWife* the OP says he is very generous. Sounds like someone who spends more than they can afford rather than someone on the bones of their arse.
If you’re asking for 150 to get you to the end of the month you’re on th bones of your arse.
LukeEvansWife · 22/09/2021 19:16

But apparently men have to have money Hmm

Plenty of people spend more than they earn.

MrMeSeeks · 22/09/2021 19:16

He’s your partner of 18months, not 18 days.
If you were suddenly in a tough spot would you not go too him?
It’s a little sad.

burnoutbabe · 22/09/2021 19:20

If I thought he had savings and then discovered he had misrepresented his financial position, that would be a red flag. I could not see a long term future in that sort of person.

However I did lend my partner £20k to put in his cash isa in March when rate setter was taking an age to pay out funds in it.
I did draw up a contract for us both to sign too!

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 22/09/2021 19:20

It would worry me.

Are you able to have a straight conversation?

At 45, with a son in Uni he should be able to save aggresively for the next 15 years but you two need to be open, and on the same page financially.

SpeckledlyHen · 22/09/2021 19:24

@AFuturisticalSound

"I was going to ask the same, why can't he go to that person directly? Why do you need to be involved? Can't a grown man sort out his own borrowings, I don't know about cheeky but it's a bit pathetic that you need to do it for him"

The OP obviously meant "lend" rather than borrow. Bad grammar I know but it is pretty obvious what they meant.

Beancounter1 · 22/09/2021 19:24

Surely he knew his DS would be starting Uni, and knew there would be expenses involved. He could have arranged an overdraft a couple of months ago. There is a lack of planning here.
He sounds careless with money - a huge turn-off for me.

I have spent long periods on income support, and always had at least £100 savings. It is just a matter of not spending whenever there is the choice to not spend. Going without.

LukeEvansWife · 22/09/2021 19:28

The OP obviously meant "lend" rather than borrow. Bad grammar I know but it is pretty obvious what they meant.

Obvious to you - well done. Not obvious to everyone given it is the opposite of what it means. I'm not having a dig, I didn't know people said this

godmum56 · 22/09/2021 19:28

well i wouldn't LTB but its a flag

Redburnett · 22/09/2021 19:29

Why didn't he get an overdraft or use a credit card? I would be wary of a 45 year old with a good job who got himself into this position.

FinallyHere · 22/09/2021 19:30

This is why so many people would rather fall deeper into debt and financial difficulty than admit they need help and each other for it.

Borrowing from a friend or partner is not IMO a way out of debt. It's just postponing the issue and borrowing from next months wages. Reducing expenditure, increasing what is coming in and building a cushion for emergencies are ways that would help.

£150 seems to me to be a curiously large sum to be needed to tide over for a weeks delay to the date when wages were expected. I wouldn't know for sure, but would guess that that was an indicator of not cutting down as much as possible.

GreekTragedy · 22/09/2021 19:30

He's got savings for emergencies! Well this is an emergency if he's run out of money.

I find it a bit strange tbh.

QueeniesCroft · 22/09/2021 19:31

I would have to be left with no other options before I would borrow money from a partner (assuming unmarried and not living together). I would certainly use my savings first (assuming I had some, which I usually don't!).
I would think less of someone who had "emergency savings" but asked me for money rather than using them. If you genuinely don't have enough money to last until the end of the month(no food/rent/can't get to work), then that's an emergency, surely?

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/09/2021 19:32

Obvious to you - well done. Not obvious to everyone given it is the opposite of what it means. I'm not having a dig, I didn't know people said this
I have heard it a few times, I admit (only on here, strangely) but it hardly qualifies as "bad grammar", it's just plain wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

Notaroadrunner · 22/09/2021 19:32

@astarisworn

I understand that he's had a tough financial month and that he got his date wrong but I hope this is one off.I will give it to him and send my bank details with a note asking him To text me when he transfers it . He is very generous which I admire so maybe I need to put this down to a one off but watch it.
I'd have to decline. It seems odd that a person would borrow instead of using their emergency fund. If he can pay you back then he can pay himself back. If you do lend it this time, let it be the last.
LukeEvansWife · 22/09/2021 19:33

Borrowing from a friend or partner is not IMO a way out of debt. It's just postponing the issue and borrowing from next months wages. Reducing expenditure, increasing what is coming in and building a cushion for emergencies are ways that would help.

That is like saying 'eat less and move more to lose weight'. We all know it but it's not always easy to do. And yes this is why people don't seek help. Because someone comes along and tells them to spend less etc. It's often a symptom of something deeper

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