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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he is a bit cheeky or is this ok for you?

178 replies

astarisworn · 22/09/2021 18:09

Partner of 18 months asked me to borrow £150 for a week ,as he got his pay date wrong.
I'm a little Confused. He's never asked to borrow from me before. A man of 45, good job but a lot of outgoings in rent/ maintenance/ travel. He has had some Unexpected expenses this month I guess.
AIBU to think he's a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 22/09/2021 20:24

@astarisworn

I guess I had thought he would have had rainy day money.
Exactly
DangerMouse5 · 22/09/2021 20:32

Yanbu
Nope
I have enough of loaning my teenage and uni DCs money , that I wouldn't be impressed to have a 45 year old man whose DVs don't live with him asking to borrow money from me. Get a credit card mate, if his credit is so poor he can't get a credit card I wouldn't want to be lending money I can't afford to lose anyway

Surprising how many people don't think they ought pay back , it changes the dynamics
Obvs if you live together and share expenses that is different but it doesn't sound you are that serious yet

pelosi · 22/09/2021 20:33

I know he has emergency savings but he has those for absolute emergencies ... life and death type emergencies.

He is very generous which I admire so maybe I need to put this down to a one off but watch it.

I would use my emergency savings rather than ask a partner for money.

When you say he’s generous, does he spend more on you than you do on him. or is it equal?

FinallyHere · 22/09/2021 20:44

I would not be very impressed by anyone who borrowed money from me, who then went on to spend that money "generously".

astarisworn · 22/09/2021 20:46

Equal.As a pp said, many unexpected expenses plus expected expenses came up this month and he was unprepared and because he has kids in uni/ maintenance and lives alone, his outgoings are big relative to mine.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/09/2021 20:47

@astarisworn

Equal.As a pp said, many unexpected expenses plus expected expenses came up this month and he was unprepared and because he has kids in uni/ maintenance and lives alone, his outgoings are big relative to mine.
Are you trying really hard to talk yourself into not having an issue with your skint middle aged boyfriend?
astarisworn · 22/09/2021 20:49

I'm not.
I know his financial situation is and accept it but this is a new occurrence.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 22/09/2021 20:50

@suzy2b

Why is he asking you to borrow money who are you going to borrow from
If you really can’t work it out, then maybe try RTFT? 🙄
burnoutbabe · 22/09/2021 20:51

It would be an unusual person who actually had tons of savings but they are all tied up in say isas/ equities/fixed term products and doesn't have lots £150 easily accessible.

So it's probably not that.

DrManhattan · 22/09/2021 20:52

I'd be gutted that he couldn't get his hands on £150 at his age

SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2021 20:55

@astarisworn

I absolutely do trust him to pay me back.
Really? Cos if you can afford it and you trust him so much, what's the dilemma? The bank details and the PA "oh drop me a text when you've paid it back" before the money has barely cleared
sjxoxo · 22/09/2021 20:56

@Cocomarine

Not cheeky to ask because why wouldn’t you turn to a partner of 18 months? I’d be more concerned that a 45yo in a good job couldn’t carry themselves through £150 for a week though.
This. I’d find it wierd if it’s someone over the age of 25, who had a stable job.. in some ways a bigger amount of money for something majorly unexpected would be more understandable.. but £150?! Seems odd to me.
pelosi · 22/09/2021 20:58

@suzy2b

Why is he asking you to borrow money who are you going to borrow from
I’d like to borrow you some common sense.
Bluntness100 · 22/09/2021 20:59

This. I’d find it wierd if it’s someone over the age of 25, who had a stable job.. in some ways a bigger amount of money for something majorly unexpected would be more understandable.. but £150?! Seems odd to me

Opposite to me, I’d want to know that someone over the age of. 25 with a stable job was able to pay for themselves and can pay back their debts. Scratching your arse for 150 seems odd to me.

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2021 21:01

@astarisworn

I'm not. I know his financial situation is and accept it but this is a new occurrence.
You know what he’s told you or have you seen documentary evidence.?

If you have seen the evidence why didn’t you ask him why he’s not using his savings?

Or if you haven’t, are you not looking at his actions and thinking it’s bullshit? The man does not even know when he’s being paid and needs to borrow 150 as he’s not able to get money any other way.

Graphista · 22/09/2021 21:02

I know he has emergency savings but he has those for absolute emergencies ... life and death type emergencies.

Then he doesn't need to borrow off you

I would not be impressed and wouldn't loan the money myself in that situation - you putting yourself out to protect his savings/interest? Fuck that

He is very generous which I admire so maybe I need to put this down to a one off but watch it.

This is starting to sound like a "love rat con man" scenario.

There's a branch of my family who are con artists and this is pretty much how this scam works.

1 develop a relationship

2 be very generous/magnanimous at the start - this makes the mark feel indebted

3 invent a financial crisis but only ask to borrow a relatively small amount of money. This is paid back sometimes with interest which "reassures" the mark and adds to the indebted "bank"

4 gradually more financial crises occur, at first the money is paid back no problem

5 they start to delay repaying the "borrowed" money with various plausible tales and/or not paying back in full

6 eventually stop even pretending they're going to repay just give lame excuses. At this point they're usually developing a new mark

Personally, I would be wary of a man who is very generous and then needs to borrow money. I prefer someone who is careful with money and doesn't get into that position

Also true - easy to be "generous" with other people's money

There are VERY few genuinely unexpected expenses that occur for middle aged adults.

He's failed to plan and prepare that does NOT constitute an emergency on your part.

I've been on a tight budget most of my adult life, very tight at times to the point I've had to go without food and other essentials in order that dd didn't go without.

I like many others on a tight budget keep a detailed track of my finances and I have for decades now kept a rolling spreadsheet of them I do a 6 month projection twice a year, balance it all weekly to check all is as it should be and I'm then alerted to any potential issues.

I account for not only weekly/monthly outgoings but also infrequent ones and spread the cost across the year.

That imo is what sensible financially responsible people do. It also gives peace of mind and means if there's something that takes my fancy or more likely dds! Then I know straight away if I can cover it or not.

"Generous" is only a good trait if he can afford to cover his "generosity" and it's not true generosity if others are bailing him out when he cocks up

Regarding credit - as it's less than a month this will be an issue for (just until pay day) then using a credit card which he then pays off as soon as he's paid will make no difference to him whatsoever.

But I suspect there's a possibility his credit is poor.

Also 18 months really isn't THAT long, I wouldn't even describe him as a partner, he's a boyfriend. 18 months is still very much rose tinted specs stage...but long enough to persuade some it's a more committed relationship

Come to that, how come he can't borrow this money from anyone else ? His parents? Siblings?

Nah smells fishy to me.

If you do GIVE him the money write it off as a loss I think it's very unlikely you'll see it again and if you do I suspect it will be so he can tap you up again in the future.

Confusedandshaken · 22/09/2021 21:06

It's not cheeky to ask. After 18 months I would be happy to share with a partner. However I would be concerned that someone of his age in a good job doesn't have enough of a financial reserve that he needs to borrow such a small amount to cover a relatively short period of time. I would expect him to have a small float of savings for this sort of thing. I would also be concerned that a supposedly responsible adult with a good job could make such a fundamental error as getting his payday wrong.

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but it would make me a little wary about how financially responsible he really is. I certainly wouldn't do it a second time.

Ontheroadtorecovery · 22/09/2021 21:06

It seems very shallow all the judgement of someone being a 45 Yr old with no savings/ living hand to mouth lots of people work hard but just don't earn enough to have lots of savings. Doesn't devalue someone as a worthwhile person who should be respected the same as anyone - everything that's wrong with society and its views imo

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2021 21:13

@Ontheroadtorecovery

It seems very shallow all the judgement of someone being a 45 Yr old with no savings/ living hand to mouth lots of people work hard but just don't earn enough to have lots of savings. Doesn't devalue someone as a worthwhile person who should be respected the same as anyone - everything that's wrong with society and its views imo
We can agree to disagree, many people who are financially secure enough that they are able to reach the end of the month without having to borrow wish a partner to be the same, especially when middle aged like this bloke.

If you’re ok with bailing a partner out, then fair enough, but I and many others aren’t . It doesn’t mean they are devalued in society just they wish a partner of equal standing.

And what’s even worse is he is lying and saying he’s savings, he didn’t know when he’d be paid, he’s had a heavy month, and he’d rather take her money than use his own.

Each to their own, but we can all make choices, and for many of us a liar and someone who at 45 can’t even make it to the end of the month is not for us.

MasterBeth · 22/09/2021 21:18

@Ontheroadtorecovery

It seems very shallow all the judgement of someone being a 45 Yr old with no savings/ living hand to mouth lots of people work hard but just don't earn enough to have lots of savings. Doesn't devalue someone as a worthwhile person who should be respected the same as anyone - everything that's wrong with society and its views imo
When the OP says he has a “good job”, I assume he has a steady, regular reasonable income. It would be different story if he was on a low income or unemployed. You don’t have to have “lots of savings” to have access to £150 if you are in “a good job.”
Hattie765 · 22/09/2021 21:20

@Cocomarine

Not cheeky to ask because why wouldn’t you turn to a partner of 18 months? I’d be more concerned that a 45yo in a good job couldn’t carry themselves through £150 for a week though.
This!
Ontheroadtorecovery · 22/09/2021 21:27

My post wasn't particularly related to the op situation I have a limited income to work and fit round my dcs and I don't like the idea of being seen the way a lot of you would clearly view me. I actually have a fairly decent job but living costs are high and getting higher. Some of those who get paid the least are those who were out working though the pandemic they deserve some respect! I prob wouldn't lend it as I couldn't afford it either as it happens

Daphnise · 22/09/2021 21:30

It's a red light, and believe me it's best to say no, unequivocally, and not get into long discussions about it.

Thin end of the wedge and all that.....

me4real · 22/09/2021 21:48

Gah I thought I pressed post but I hadn't.

So those people who are on the bones of their arse, using food banks etc and working (because obviously many working people are unfortunately in that position sad) - do they have money salted away? No, thought not.

@LukeEvansWife He does though, he just chose to borrow from OP instead. How about all the people that manage to work without using food banks, or even be unable to work and still not use food banks? But that's a side issue. That should be an emergency thing waiting to start a job maybe or waiting to start on UC.

I have a severe disability and am unable to work long term BTW. I don't use food banks and have savings.

Because someone comes along and tells them to spend less etc. It's often a symptom of something deeper

Then they should get help then. Still not an attractive trait in a partner. If I spent too much and was told that I should spend less (or knew I should) then I'd be trying to work out strategies so I could spend less. Same as I aim to try and eat less takeaways, drink less, sleep better etc.

But I don't think any of what you say particularly applies to OP's partner maybe. He has savings.

@astarisworn I would accept it as a one-off but keep your eye out. Maybe let him know you're not impressed and it's something that's registered as a red flag with you.

me4real · 22/09/2021 22:06

And what’s even worse is he is lying and saying he’s savings, he didn’t know when he’d be paid, he’s had a heavy month, and he’d rather take her money than use his own.

@Bluntness100 This is a good point. He's either lying or trying to make use of the OP by using her rather than his own means, or both. Either way, not good.

Setting up someone at uni is something which can be done without getting into debt/a fuck up I'dve thought.

My post wasn't particularly related to the op situation I have a limited income to work and fit round my dcs and I don't like the idea of being seen the way a lot of you would clearly view me. I actually have a fairly decent job but living costs are high and getting higher. Some of those who get paid the least are those who were out working though the pandemic they deserve some respect!

@Ontheroadtorecovery I don't think people mean it that way. Except maybe that we all choose certain things in a man, and wanting a partner/boyfriend to be solvent and not try and hit us up for a loan isn't bad. I can't work due to disability and it's sad to me that that might put some women off, but I accept and understand it and probably would be the same myself. Yes it costs money to live but people can live within their means- most people do even on a low income/UC.

He presumably doesn't have young children he's bringing up alone.

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