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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to say my pronouns

267 replies

Bamechage · 21/09/2021 13:45

Completely happy to get roasted here and for people to tell me I’m wrong but I’m a woman and my name is always mistaken for a man as I shorten it to unisex. I enjoy the ambiguity of it and that in written correspondence people don’t know. Where I work have made it mandatory and I understand it’s to be more inclusive but I liked people not knowing. Have I completely missed the point here and aibu?

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 21/09/2021 16:51

If people are talking about me in the third person, they can use my fucking name.

I love this so much. I’m going to put Wimpole/Mrs Hat on mine if I get called out on not having one. It’s spot on….

DarkDarkNight · 21/09/2021 16:53

I think it’s awful to make it compulsory. That’s not inclusive in itself. People may have valid reasons they don’t want to state their pronouns.

Notahandmaid · 21/09/2021 16:53

Nope, not doing it and will never do it. I am always disappointed when I see that someone has put their pronouns in any social media bio or in their email signature at work. It's happening more and more.

On social media, it earns an automatic block from me. It tells me that someone has been sucked into this nonsense.

I noticed today that LinkedIn are now trying to get people to add their pronouns and many of my connections are dutifully doing so. How depressing.

I am a woman. I don't have a gender identity. I am who I am. If someone wants to address me in a meeting, they can call me by my name. If they want to address me in the third person when I'm not there I don't care what they refer to me as.

I do like the idea of she/him though just to confuse people!

BelleOfTheProvince · 21/09/2021 16:54

I think you mean pro women.

It's not anti trans to want sports for women to be for women.

It's not anti trans to observe safeguarding protocol.

It's not anti trans to not want women being locked up in mixed sex prisons.

And it's not anti trans to realise that women are effected by sexism.

I honestly don't know how someone can have an issue with women concerned that their spaces and rights are being eroded.

TheMarzipanDildo · 21/09/2021 16:54

What about mandatory pronouns would make a closeted trans person feel comfortable and included? Hmm

People should be able to say whether they are straight/gay/bi/trans at work. They shouldn’t feel forced to announce it.

Wroxie · 21/09/2021 16:56

Also LOL at the idea of "getting roasted" by people on Mumsnet for not wanting to provide pronouns at work... my love, are you lost? Or are you just whipping people up for fun?

Anyway, TWAW.

TheMarzipanDildo · 21/09/2021 16:59

@Wroxie

Also LOL at the idea of "getting roasted" by people on Mumsnet for not wanting to provide pronouns at work... my love, are you lost? Or are you just whipping people up for fun?

Anyway, TWAW.

You do realise there’s quite a lot to this site?

are you lost?

Raggedyanabell · 21/09/2021 17:00

@Antinerak "IME people who get very upset or strongly refuse when asked to state their pronouns are those who are questioning their identity or have a very fragile gender identity. Some should just go by the pronouns Ka/Ren"

This is just Idi/Otic

Macncheeseballs · 21/09/2021 17:01

Yanbu, although pronouns are useful on bank cards cos it cuts out 50% of the population as potential fraudsters

Raggedyanabell · 21/09/2021 17:01

@BelleOfTheProvince

Most people who prefer to keep their gender identity unknown go by They/Them. I've found it helps when working in places where women aren't valued as much as men

Well surely it's easy to winkle out the women as they are all they them.
As being he/him doesn't effect men negatively they aren't going to adopt grammatically incorrect pronouns for a gaff are they?

You are, however, ensuring that it's easy to discriminate against women and then hide behind the 'i don't know their gender, they're they/them' excuse.

Well said!
Xenia · 21/09/2021 17:02

Even this madness will pass...... If work force you to then say she, he, it

Soontobe60 · 21/09/2021 17:04

@Gorl

It’s a tricky one. On the one hand I have no issue with promoting the sharing of pronouns for the sake of gender inclusivity, but given that women are often treated worse than their male counterparts when people know they are corresponding with a woman I can totally understand why you liked the ambiguity of your neutral name.

I suppose you could maintain the ambiguity by using they / them, but I understand if that doesn’t feel like the right solution for you either.

Could you say ‘I prefer not not share my pronouns’ instead? Would you / your employer feel comfortable with that?

Can you explain how ‘sharing pronouns’ leads to gender inclusivity?
Wroxie · 21/09/2021 17:06

@Macncheeseballs

Yanbu, although pronouns are useful on bank cards cos it cuts out 50% of the population as potential fraudsters
What does that mean?
Raggedyanabell · 21/09/2021 17:07

@BelleOfTheProvince

I think you mean pro women.

It's not anti trans to want sports for women to be for women.

It's not anti trans to observe safeguarding protocol.

It's not anti trans to not want women being locked up in mixed sex prisons.

And it's not anti trans to realise that women are effected by sexism.

I honestly don't know how someone can have an issue with women concerned that their spaces and rights are being eroded.

Another post spot on @BelleOfTheProvince 👏
Soontobe60 · 21/09/2021 17:08

@TheMarzipanDildo

What about mandatory pronouns would make a closeted trans person feel comfortable and included? Hmm

People should be able to say whether they are straight/gay/bi/trans at work. They shouldn’t feel forced to announce it.

Do you think that a persons sexual preference is anybody’s business but their own? I can work out someone’s preference by the info they choose to share - do they have a same sex partner? Have they had partners of either sex? I can also tell, generally, if a person is trans. Again. By the clues they give away in conversation, but mainly because it’s often very obvious, especially men who transition later in life.
TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 17:15

Wow. They have so spectacularly missed the point, OP. The whole point is that everybody can be what they want, and you're not allowed to be what you want: the most inoffensive thing in the world. Silent.

anon12345678901 · 21/09/2021 17:19

@BelleOfTheProvince

I think you mean pro women.

It's not anti trans to want sports for women to be for women.

It's not anti trans to observe safeguarding protocol.

It's not anti trans to not want women being locked up in mixed sex prisons.

And it's not anti trans to realise that women are effected by sexism.

I honestly don't know how someone can have an issue with women concerned that their spaces and rights are being eroded.

👏🏼
FatAnkles · 21/09/2021 17:19

Our workplace encourage this nonsense but it's not mandatory thank f*.

When we have a safety critical incident nobody GAF what "gender" pronouns you have, it's irrelevant.

HermioneKipper · 21/09/2021 17:19

I genuinely don’t see why it’s necessary unless trans people want to make it clear to all what they identify as.

I have never in my professional life needed to be referred to as he or she. People at work just use my name

HermioneKipper · 21/09/2021 17:20

Yes my work encourage it but it’s very woke so I hope they don’t make it mandatory. As I will be saying NO THANK YOU

EishetChayil · 21/09/2021 17:21

@Wroxie

Also LOL at the idea of "getting roasted" by people on Mumsnet for not wanting to provide pronouns at work... my love, are you lost? Or are you just whipping people up for fun?

Anyway, TWAW.

In what way are transwomen women?

It is this insistence on an absolute fiction that is setting trans rights back, not gender critical feminism.

Macncheeseballs · 21/09/2021 17:22

Wroxie, sorry I meant mrs or Mr on your bank card means a man would find it more difficult to use mine as its gendered

PickUpAPepper · 21/09/2021 17:23

As ups say, tell them what you have said here - that you like the ambiguity of your name without pronouns, and that you like it for a reason. I assume that like many women in that situation, or women who have taken men's names through the last few centuries, that it means you get treated better? The possibility of experiencing sexism is much more likely for women than any possibility of improved egotism for transpeople, and it is a genuine and legitimate concern.

PickUpAPepper · 21/09/2021 17:23

pp's!

TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 17:28

@Macncheeseballs

Wroxie, sorry I meant mrs or Mr on your bank card means a man would find it more difficult to use mine as its gendered
Not these days. The phrase 'But you're not a woman, you don't look anything like one!' is waaay behind the times.