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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a date?

149 replies

RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 20:50

Married man in his mid 50s. Slightly younger widow. They've been friends for about 20 years through a shared sport interest neither spouse wanted to attend.

Planned trip to see an away fixture involves:

  • meet early for breakfast
  • get train to major city where event is
  • morning sightseeing
  • watch sport
  • play a (different) sport together
  • dinner and drinks
  • get training back at c. 11pm

It sounds like a great day out. Same sex friends all good, but....?

OP posts:
Wotwhywhen · 20/09/2021 20:55

If you don't trust your husband, that would look dodgy.
If you trust him, it would just be friends on a day out.

Assuming you're the wife.

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:06

No, I'm the widow, concerned another what the wife might be thinking and if I'm honest, wondering what she's been told about the day.

OP posts:
Wotwhywhen · 20/09/2021 21:08

You're the widow, asking if you're going on a date?

Why go if you're concerned?

TinselTime21 · 20/09/2021 21:08

Ask him say does your wife know.

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:09

@Wotwhywhen

You're the widow, asking if you're going on a date?

Why go if you're concerned?

Because he's a good friend of 20 years Because I want to see the game Because it will be a fun day out
OP posts:
SummerintheCity2021 · 20/09/2021 21:10

So you think it’s a date?

Wotwhywhen · 20/09/2021 21:12

I don't get the point of this thread.

You're going out with a friend for a day.
You're concerned his wife thinks it's a date.

Why phrase it in such a fashion? Why not just ask the wife? Why not talk to your friend?

If you think it's date, if you're assuming it is, going along with it, seems like you want it to be a date..

Weird topic..

Beamur · 20/09/2021 21:12

I wouldn't assume it's a date if you've been friends for 20 years

WimpoleHat · 20/09/2021 21:12

If you’ve been friends for over 20 years, what’s made you think something is amiss now? (Genuine question - I think this will tell you what you need to know.)

LittleBirdBlu · 20/09/2021 21:13

It sounds like you want it to be a date??

Lockheart · 20/09/2021 21:13

It's not a date if you're not dating.

Yesterday I (a single straight female) and a friend (a single straight male) managed to drive out of the city and go for a nice country walk with a pub Sunday lunch without sticking our tongues down each others throats.

If you're hoping it's a date when he's married, you need to stop this.

Bombaloorina · 20/09/2021 21:14

If you’ve been friends for 20 years and nothing’s happened, it’s fine, surely.

I’d be fine with DH doing this with his women friends of 20+ years, because I trust him and know their friendships are just that - really good friendships, just like he has with his male friends.

WoozySnoozy · 20/09/2021 21:14

If its been like this for 20 years then why is this different? Is it different? If you feel like it might be a date then that suggests you are possibly uncomfortable with it or want it to be a date?

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:15

@SummerintheCity2021

So you think it’s a date?
No, I don't think anything.

I'm fairly recently widowed and trying to keep myself busy. This fills a day on what would otherwise be a lonely weekend.

I've never had any reason to think this man is anything other than a devoted husband, I just wonder if my new "single" status changes things.

OP posts:
GruntBaby · 20/09/2021 21:16

I'd happily do that, and have done similar, with my best friend (male) of 25+ years, entirely platonically, and with full approval of our OHs.

But... if I ever thought it was the kind of thing that shouldn't be mentioned to his partner, or I started to get the inkling there were romantic feelings involved, then I would be putting some distance between us, pronto.

Comedycook · 20/09/2021 21:16

Who initiated the day out?

sparklefarts · 20/09/2021 21:17

I don't know why you think he'd suddenly be tripping over himself to have an affair with you?

High opinion of yourself?

If he was the type to have an affair, he would have tried before you were widowed, if he had wanted to.

WimpoleHat · 20/09/2021 21:18

I've never had any reason to think this man is anything other than a devoted husband, I just wonder if my new "single" status changes things.

In the nicest possible way, could it just be that he thought it would be nice to make a bit more of an occasion of it if you’ve been a bit lonely? Or thinks that you might have more of a chance to talk over the course of a whole day?

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:18

Oh. Well these responses are exactly what I'm concerned about. The way other women's attitudes have changed towards me.

He's been a good friend and the sport is important to me.

I don't want any trouble, is the point of the thread.

OP posts:
cookingisoverrated · 20/09/2021 21:19

I'm happily married and have a male friend I would happily have a day out like this with. We've been good friends for over 20 years and it's completely platonic. My DH would have no problem with it.

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:20

@sparklefarts

I don't know why you think he'd suddenly be tripping over himself to have an affair with you?

High opinion of yourself?

If he was the type to have an affair, he would have tried before you were widowed, if he had wanted to.

Lovely way to talk to a recently bereaved woman. This. This is exactly what worries me.
OP posts:
Wotwhywhen · 20/09/2021 21:21

I think you need to talk to him and her.

Asking here in this way is not going to do much good.

HerrenaHarridan · 20/09/2021 21:21

Sparkle farts- no need to be so rude

Sorry for your loss op

It does change things for some people, his wife may be one of those people.

You should talk to your friend of 20 years. Be honest about what you’re worried about and that you need reassurance his wife is ok

I wish I could say it will just be fine but truth is some people are crazy jealous and won’t be able to see past your newly single status

MumofPsuedoAdult · 20/09/2021 21:22

Unless there was any indication of his attention before you became a widow I think you're overthinking it because you're now single.

LittleBirdBlu · 20/09/2021 21:22

But you are the one asking 'AIBU to think this is a date' not 'AIBU to think his wife might think it's a date' Confused