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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a date?

149 replies

RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 20:50

Married man in his mid 50s. Slightly younger widow. They've been friends for about 20 years through a shared sport interest neither spouse wanted to attend.

Planned trip to see an away fixture involves:

meet early for breakfast
get train to major city where event is
morning sightseeing
watch sport
play a (different) sport together
dinner and drinks
get training back at c. 11pm

It sounds like a great day out. Same sex friends all good, but....?

OP posts:

WoozySnoozy · 20/09/2021 21:22

He's probably just trying to support you then if you're only recently widowed. You could always cut the day short before the evening meal and get an earlier train back if you're concerned but I wouldn't worry about it unless you feel uncomfortable with it.

saltedcaramelanything · 20/09/2021 21:24

I'm not sure if people are being purposely rude, or just dense OP.

But I think it would depend. Do you know his wife? Are you friendly with her as well, or just the husband? Any backstory there?

WimpoleHat · 20/09/2021 21:24

He's been a good friend and the sport is important to me.

Seems more like a “make a nice day of it and see how you’re bearing up” thing than he’s planning anything untoward, I think.

Leeds2 · 20/09/2021 21:24

I don't think I would be concerned if I was his wife. But, maybe, are you able to talk about the planned day with her? Not to ask her if she is ok about it, but just to put your mind at rest that she knows it is happening.

Original poster

RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:24

I know it sounds ridiculous, it is ridiculous. I don't know her, in 20 years I've never met her. He never met DH either.

We only ever go to these sports events. We live about 60 miles apart so we meet up somewhere enroute.

OP posts:

february45 · 20/09/2021 21:26

Maybe he's trying to be supportive. If you're worried about his wife .. maybe ask him directly about what his wife thinks about your day out.
If you don't see him as more than a friend then I don't see why this would be classed as a date ..

Original poster

RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:26

What I'm over thinking is the way women's attitudes towards me have changed. My friend's husbands are full of offers of help, some of the wives (supposedly my friends) are not so keen.

OP posts:

Thatsplentyjack · 20/09/2021 21:26

It sounds like a great day out. Same sex friends all good, but....?

This bit confused me. What do you mean "same sex friends"? You say he's a man and you're a woman?

MumofPsuedoAdult · 20/09/2021 21:26

@RunningStrong

I know it sounds ridiculous, it is ridiculous. I don't know her, in 20 years I've never met her. He never met DH either.

We only ever go to these sports events. We live about 60 miles apart so we meet up somewhere enroute.

But does she know about you? Does she know where he's spent the day or is your friendship a secret?

WimpoleHat · 20/09/2021 21:27

@RunningStrong

I know it sounds ridiculous, it is ridiculous. I don't know her, in 20 years I've never met her. He never met DH either.

We only ever go to these sports events. We live about 60 miles apart so we meet up somewhere enroute.

On the basis of what you’ve said, I’m sure you’d have had a hint before now if he had amorous intentions towards you. So I’d say he’s just trying to plan a nice day out for a bereaved friend whom he senses is perhaps a big lonely and could do with a boost.

jelly79 · 20/09/2021 21:28

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

It sounds like your friend is wanting to spend time with you as friends do. If you are concerned though it's fine to just ask him if his wife is ok with the day out.

WimpoleHat · 20/09/2021 21:28

My friend's husbands are full of offers of help, some of the wives (supposedly my friends) are not so keen.

That definitely says more about them than anything else….

SleepingStandingUp · 20/09/2021 21:29

I'm married. My male friend isn't.

He caught a train down to my city.
We had coffee.
We had cocktails.
We did some sightseeing.
We had more drinks.
He brought me dinner.

At no point did either of us worry its a date.
Either you don't trust him to be honest or you don't want him as in the friend zone as you claim.

GreyTS · 20/09/2021 21:29

@RunningStrong

What I'm over thinking is the way women's attitudes towards me have changed. My friend's husbands are full of offers of help, some of the wives (supposedly my friends) are not so keen.

Yeah I understand exactly what you mean, when I separated from my husband a lot of friends dropped me like a stone....had to say to a lot of them, I got rid of my dopey husband I definitely don't want yours....thing is I had constant messages and offers of help (to do what?) from their husbands.....put me off men for quite a while tbh

Bimblybomeyelash · 20/09/2021 21:30

If you are a long term good friend of his, and I was his wife, I’d be a million times more likely to say “make sure that you take (poor old recently widowed) Runningstrong out for dinner somewhere nice after the match” than anything else.

Steeple · 20/09/2021 21:31

Sounds completely unproblematic to me, OP. I’ve maintained friendships with men for 20 years regardless of who was newly divorced or suddenly single.

My only concern in your shoes would be whether I might have had enough one-on-one during a long day…

KingdomScrolls · 20/09/2021 21:32

I've got a close male friend I've been friends with longer than twenty years, someone's we go to the cinema get some food, maybe have a drink after, objectively could be a date. Both happily married, never anything untoward even when we've both been single in the past. DH has female friends through his hobby, I would have/have had no issue with him doing hobby related days out with them. I say things like that here though and get accused of being a cool wife 🙄. Ultimately I won't let anyone tell me who I can be friends with, so I won't do that to my husband. If a spouse is going to cheat they'll cheat, and if you don't trust them that's what needs to be addressed, not social events.

talismaniac · 20/09/2021 21:32

Well OP, you know him better than anyone.

It could be he wants to give you a day out doing something he knows you’ll enjoy because of your fairly recent bereavement. It’s possible his wife is fully aware if this and she understands. All possible.

On the other hand, is it normal for married men to do this type of thing with another woman? No.

Is it normal to have been friends with a woman for 20 years and have never introduced her to your wife? No.

Would I do this? No.

Would my husband do this? No.

I guess the question is - how would you feel if he made a pass at you?

If the answer is “good,” then yes, it’s a date.

BlueberrySugar · 20/09/2021 21:34

No. I don't think it's a date.

I think you've planned a nice day out together and he probably wants you to have a nice day.

Comedycook · 20/09/2021 21:34

Honestly if my dh was meeting up with a widowed woman I'd never met for a whole day...I'd be very very suspicious.

Oh and I might sound paranoid, but a lot most men are chancers and if they think they'll be in with a shout, they'll go for it.

ThatsAllFolks · 20/09/2021 21:37

Ugh I'm sorry how ur thread turned out. Don't overthink it

Lalliella · 20/09/2021 21:37

@sparklefarts

I don't know why you think he'd suddenly be tripping over himself to have an affair with you?

High opinion of yourself?

If he was the type to have an affair, he would have tried before you were widowed, if he had wanted to.

@sparklefarts what a vile post. Do you talk to people like that in real life? Do you have any friends if so?

Verbena87 · 20/09/2021 21:37

“
If you are a long term good friend of his, and I was his wife, I’d be a million times more likely to say “make sure that you take (poor old recently widowed) Runningstrong out for dinner somewhere nice after the match” than anything else.”

This that @Bimblybomeyelash said would be me too.

BlueberrySugar · 20/09/2021 21:38

@sparklefarts there is no need to take your insecurities out on other people.

Stop being so cruel.

Original poster

RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:38

I'd be furious if he made a pass at me. It would ruin everything and I'd be angry he thought I'd even consider it with a married man. I think he knows this.

His wife definitely knows I exist. I've met their sons who sometimes come to the events. How much detail she knows, I don't know. It wouldn't surprise me if he tells her as little as possible for a quiet life.

OP posts:

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