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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a date?

149 replies

RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 20:50

Married man in his mid 50s. Slightly younger widow. They've been friends for about 20 years through a shared sport interest neither spouse wanted to attend.

Planned trip to see an away fixture involves:

  • meet early for breakfast
  • get train to major city where event is
  • morning sightseeing
  • watch sport
  • play a (different) sport together
  • dinner and drinks
  • get training back at c. 11pm

It sounds like a great day out. Same sex friends all good, but....?

OP posts:
Lalliella · 20/09/2021 21:39

I’m sorry for your loss OP Flowers

To me this sounds like a lovely day out with a friend. If you’re worried why don’t you ask him if his wife minds you taking him away for the day? Or chat to her about it?

I hope you enjoy your day out.

talismaniac · 20/09/2021 21:40

I mean, are you attracted to him in any shape or form OP? You don’t say whether you are or not. I think you need to be honest with yourself.

If you don’t fancy him, then that’s that - it’s not a date in your mind, so it’s irrelevant really as to what he thinks.

Surely, in 20 years, you must have gauged the type of person he is and whether he’s attracted to you or not?

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:44

Well he's not available and neither am I. Or I haven't been and honestly, I don't need that in my life now either.

He's not unattractive and as we get on well, if we were both single, I daresay we might see if there was "something". Why wouldn't you? But we're not so it's not something I've ever contemplated. I meet attractive men who I like often. I can see they're attractive, but that doesn't mean I plan to sleep with them.

OP posts:
talismaniac · 20/09/2021 21:44

“How much detail she knows, I don't know. It wouldn't surprise me if he tells her as little as possible for a quiet life.”

Why do you choose to conclude that though? You seem to have perceived his wife as an insecure nag or something - yet you say you never met her?

ikeepseeingit · 20/09/2021 21:45

It's only a date if you think it is OP! Try not to worry, I think people have misunderstood why you're asking. If it were my husband I would not be worried one bit. You sound like a really nice person, and I'm sorry for your loss x

talismaniac · 20/09/2021 21:46

‘He's not unattractive and as we get on well, if we were both single, I daresay we might see if there was "something".’

Well at least you’re honest. If I were you though, I wouldn’t bother with this. It won’t end well.

WoozySnoozy · 20/09/2021 21:46

It wouldn't surprise me if he tells her as little as possible for a quiet life. you've never met her though. She might be lovely and supportive and he might not need to stay quiet for a quiet life.

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 21:49

@talismaniac

“How much detail she knows, I don't know. It wouldn't surprise me if he tells her as little as possible for a quiet life.”

Why do you choose to conclude that though? You seem to have perceived his wife as an insecure nag or something - yet you say you never met her?

No, everything I know about his wife is that she's lovely, but I worked with him and I know he could spin a line to make life easier.

Actually it's just occurred to me that actually, whilst I like him as a friend and he's good company, I wouldn't actually want proper relationship with him. I wouldn't trust him. Not sexually, he's never given me any reason to think he's been unfaithful to his wife, but I don't think he's always honest.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 20/09/2021 21:50

@RunningStrong

No, I'm the widow, concerned another what the wife might be thinking and if I'm honest, wondering what she's been told about the day.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and you were the wife? To have posted this, it seems you are uncomfortable with it, possibly have underlying feelings for your friend, so you need to find someone else to go with (sorry).

Antinerak · 20/09/2021 21:50

I don't think this is a date and wouldn't be worried if this was my husband, especially as you've been friends for so long. It sounds reasonable to make the most out of the trip and do sightseeing and have dinner. I'm sure his wife wouldn't bat an eyelid either, and if she is bothered/concerned by it that's between them. I hope you have a lovely day

Briset · 20/09/2021 21:52

I am really surprised by some of the posts in this thread. OP, I understand completely what your dilemma is. I don't understand at all why anybody would be irritated by you asking AIBU about this situation because it could potentially be an awkward or embarrassing one.

Having said that, I don't know what the answer is. I don't know whether he sees it as a date or not, and I don't know how his wife will perceive it either. It's easy to say 'just ask them' but that is easier said than done because it's an awkward question to ask, there is a lot of potential embarrassment involved.

I think the main thing is that if it sounds like a good day out to you, and you have no romantic interest in the man, just go ahead. If anybody else thinks it's a date, they are wrong and their suspicions are their problem.

shesellsseacats · 20/09/2021 21:52

I'm sorry for your loss RunningStrong Flowers

Would I think my DP was going on a date if he met a female friend for a sport, sightseeing and dinner?

If it was a female friend I knew and had met, no. If I felt I was being kept at arms length from this person, I might well feel suspicious.

It depends on him and his intentions. And how his wife feels. And the state of their relationship. Which you can't possibly know.

Is this new? Have you spent whole days together before like this?

How is he with you usually?

Noodella18 · 20/09/2021 21:57

@sparklefarts stop being so bloody nasty.

Sorry for your loss OP and have a lovely time xx

Still1nLove · 20/09/2021 22:00

When I split from my dh, 2 of my friends’ partners came onto me.

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 22:03

How is he with you usually?

It's a strange but very comfortable mix of me being one of the lads and him being one of the girls. I get to chat about sport and things I wouldn't normally talk to my girlfriends about and he gets to share his feminine side Grin

I'm not not worried about how he'll be, as I said it's the marked change I've noticed in women's attitudes towards me that concerns me.

The full days out are relatively new, since our DC got to the age where a day out isn't "stealing" family time.

OP posts:
talismaniac · 20/09/2021 22:04

To be honest OP, I think in male / female friendships there is always some kind of undercurrent or frisson or whatever you want to call it, whether this is acknowledged or not. It’s what makes it interesting, frankly. If it was a boring man you had no connection with, you wouldn’t hang out with him would you?

There have been three times in my life when I’ve met someone through work or a hobby or something and convinced myself I could have him as a male friend - “oh no, nothing could happen anyway. He’s not available / I’m not available / not my type / not honest etc etc.” All the things you are reasoning now. In all cases, it has been an unmitigated disaster. It just doesn’t work.

I read somewhere that over 80% of our behaviour is unconscious. We just like to think we’re in control and know what we’re doing. This is why people get themselves into a mess because they deny or try to rationalise away what’s actually driving them.

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 22:05

@talismaniac

To be honest OP, I think in male / female friendships there is always some kind of undercurrent or frisson or whatever you want to call it, whether this is acknowledged or not. It’s what makes it interesting, frankly. If it was a boring man you had no connection with, you wouldn’t hang out with him would you?

There have been three times in my life when I’ve met someone through work or a hobby or something and convinced myself I could have him as a male friend - “oh no, nothing could happen anyway. He’s not available / I’m not available / not my type / not honest etc etc.” All the things you are reasoning now. In all cases, it has been an unmitigated disaster. It just doesn’t work.

I read somewhere that over 80% of our behaviour is unconscious. We just like to think we’re in control and know what we’re doing. This is why people get themselves into a mess because they deny or try to rationalise away what’s actually driving them.

Yes, I understand,but if that's the case, we've been doing it for 20 years!
OP posts:
WoozySnoozy · 20/09/2021 22:06

I'm not not worried about how he'll be, as I said it's the marked change I've noticed in women's attitudes towards me that concerns me.

If you're not worried then just ignore anyone who's attitude has changed. They aren't worth the hassle.

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 22:06

@WoozySnoozy

I'm not not worried about how he'll be, as I said it's the marked change I've noticed in women's attitudes towards me that concerns me.

If you're not worried then just ignore anyone who's attitude has changed. They aren't worth the hassle.

Even if it's his wife?
OP posts:
WoozySnoozy · 20/09/2021 22:07

Well yeah, that's his problem. If you're sure there's nothing between you and he isn't trying it on with you then who cares. She's never met you.

WoozySnoozy · 20/09/2021 22:08

If he's having some sort of one way emotional affair with you then your conscience is still clear as you aren't aware of it and it's his wife.

AveryGoodlay · 20/09/2021 22:08

When I kicked my son's dad out for cheating, some people I thought were friends, completely changed their attitude towards me like I was a threat. That's a reflection on how pathetic people can be. Some men who had partners tried it on with me. That's also a reflection of how pathetic people can be.

However, you've been friends 20 years. If I was friends with someone that long it wouldn't cross my mind that they were after anything. He would have attempted it before.

What I find really strange is that you've never met his wife. I'd feel like I was being hidden and if I hadn't met her I'd wonder why that was. I've met all of my partners friends, male and female. If he was talking about a life long friend but had never introduced us, I'd feel really uncomfortable.

Of course, his wife may know everything and may have even suggested he spend time with you after such a loss.

Ultimately if you're this worried, I'd sack him off and take someone else.

Steeple · 20/09/2021 22:09

@talismaniac

To be honest OP, I think in male / female friendships there is always some kind of undercurrent or frisson or whatever you want to call it, whether this is acknowledged or not. It’s what makes it interesting, frankly. If it was a boring man you had no connection with, you wouldn’t hang out with him would you?

There have been three times in my life when I’ve met someone through work or a hobby or something and convinced myself I could have him as a male friend - “oh no, nothing could happen anyway. He’s not available / I’m not available / not my type / not honest etc etc.” All the things you are reasoning now. In all cases, it has been an unmitigated disaster. It just doesn’t work.

I read somewhere that over 80% of our behaviour is unconscious. We just like to think we’re in control and know what we’re doing. This is why people get themselves into a mess because they deny or try to rationalise away what’s actually driving them.

You’re confusing not being ‘boring” with ‘being sexually attractive to me’ — I don’t find every man who doesn’t bore me attractive, any more than I would want to befriend any woman who didn’t bore me. I have male friends of many years whom I can vaguely see are objectively quite attractive, in the same way I can vaguely see my younger brother is objectively attractive — but they’re equally unlikely to be flagged up in my mind as sexual prospects, regardless of whether they’re married or single.
talismaniac · 20/09/2021 22:09

Why don’t you ask him and his wife over for dinner? She might be fantastic and you might find you get on with her better than him.

BiscuitLover09876 · 20/09/2021 22:11

Hmm it's interesting that you have these worries. Can you shorten it, perhaps just meet for the game? Ask if his wife wants to come too? There are other ways you can do it and then see how he is when you catch up.

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