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Original poster

To think this is a date?

149 replies

RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 20:50

Married man in his mid 50s. Slightly younger widow. They've been friends for about 20 years through a shared sport interest neither spouse wanted to attend.

Planned trip to see an away fixture involves:

  • meet early for breakfast
  • get train to major city where event is
  • morning sightseeing
  • watch sport
  • play a (different) sport together
  • dinner and drinks
  • get training back at c. 11pm

It sounds like a great day out. Same sex friends all good, but....?

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 20/09/2021 22:12

I think aspects of the day could be seen as date-territory, but other parts not. Ie. The bits relating to the sport are less date-ish, whilst the extras are more date territory.

If I was the wife, I’d be questioning why you would need to meet early for breakfast, and go for dinner and drinks afterwards. Also, if the venue was near, why go sightseeing. I could understand it more if it were further away. Also, why play a different sport together - why not just come home then.

shesellsseacats · 20/09/2021 22:12

@talismaniac

Why don’t you ask him and his wife over for dinner? She might be fantastic and you might find you get on with her better than him.
That's a really good idea.

Why not suggest it to him? If he balks at the idea, ask him why.

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 22:15

His wife definitely won't want to come. In fact in the early days (when we both had young children and used to take them with us) we did try to arrange for everyone to go so we could all meet, but both his DW and DH preferred to take advantage of their child free afternoon Grin Plus they both hated sport.

This is why we've never met. I've never met him (since we stopped working together more than a decade ago) except for one of these events, which aren't close to where either of us lives.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/09/2021 22:19

@sparklefarts

I don't know why you think he'd suddenly be tripping over himself to have an affair with you?

High opinion of yourself?

If he was the type to have an affair, he would have tried before you were widowed, if he had wanted to.

What a needlessly spiteful and shitty post. Sorry for your loss OP Thanks
Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 22:25

@Standrewsschool

I think aspects of the day could be seen as date-territory, but other parts not. Ie. The bits relating to the sport are less date-ish, whilst the extras are more date territory.

If I was the wife, I’d be questioning why you would need to meet early for breakfast, and go for dinner and drinks afterwards. Also, if the venue was near, why go sightseeing. I could understand it more if it were further away. Also, why play a different sport together - why not just come home then.

It's not near, that's the point. We will meet in one city about an hour in opposite directions from where we each live and travel another hour or so to the city where the event is. A City we've never been to before, hence the sightseeing.

The "itinerary" kind of wrote itself based on must see/do things in the city. It's the things most visitors to the city with similar interests to us would do.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 20/09/2021 22:26

OP I'm sorry for your loss.
People will judge you definitely. Both of you and his wife, sadly.
Why can't you go in a group? Or forget it. You really don't need any more grief particularly now. But you probably will get it regardless of how innocent it is. Is it worth that?

Ginger1982 · 20/09/2021 22:28

@Standrewsschool

I think aspects of the day could be seen as date-territory, but other parts not. Ie. The bits relating to the sport are less date-ish, whilst the extras are more date territory.

If I was the wife, I’d be questioning why you would need to meet early for breakfast, and go for dinner and drinks afterwards. Also, if the venue was near, why go sightseeing. I could understand it more if it were further away. Also, why play a different sport together - why not just come home then.

This. I don't get why you need to play another sport and have dinner/drinks before you come home.
rawhidebone · 20/09/2021 22:29

Well anything could be a date or equally just an activity. Rock climbing, spear fishing, hiking, cocktails. The activity part is irrelevant, it's only a date if the context is that there are two adults involved who actively want to date each other. And in this situation, there isn't. So it's not a date.

avamiah · 20/09/2021 22:30

Sorry it sounds like a date to me even if it isn’t but spending that much time together could possibly lead on to other things like being intimate.

Tyrantosaurous · 20/09/2021 22:36

To me this all sounds a bit much, but who knows. As a one off, it's fine I guess.

...But...
You put in the OP "neither spouse wanted to attend" so how can you be the widow?

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 22:38

You put in the OP "neither spouse wanted to attend" so how can you be the widow?

Because DH died recently, which is the whole point of my post, that things have changed.

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 20/09/2021 22:40

You off to Carrow Road by any chance?

Tyrantosaurous · 20/09/2021 22:40

@RunningStrong

You put in the OP "neither spouse wanted to attend" so how can you be the widow?

Because DH died recently, which is the whole point of my post, that things have changed.

Oh I see, I think it's fine if the wife declined and is aware. If she has concerns it's up to her to raise it with her husband, I wouldn't worry. Sorry about your DH.
Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 22:43

@RobertaFirmino

You off to Carrow Road by any chance?
No, even more obscure Grin
OP posts:
talismaniac · 20/09/2021 22:43

Are you football fans with this man, OP?

Original poster
RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 22:46

@talismaniac

Are you football fans with this man, OP?
No it's not football but similar team sport, watched by far fewer people, therfore difficult to say "go with someone else".
OP posts:
talismaniac · 20/09/2021 22:49

Fair enough. I can kind of see why his wife doesn’t mind him going with you then. She’s probably just glad he’s not nagging her to go!

Derbee · 20/09/2021 23:08

I think the fact that you’re wondering how close it is to a “date” says more about your feelings towards him, than about his feelings towards you.

Nobody can comment on if it’s totally legit, because we don’t know you. On paper, it sounds fine. But the fact that you’re thinking of it as a potential date might be a problem

Kite22 · 20/09/2021 23:13

It does seem a little strange to then "go on for dinner and drinks" in the evening, when you have been out for a long day - starting with breakfast, presumably at some point having lunch, sightseeing, watching and playing different sports, and traveling there and traveling back, if I'm honest.
I mean "grabbing a bite to eat on the way home" is more of what I think two mates would do after a long day spent together like that, having already had two meals together.

All that said, if you've been meeting up and going on these jaunts for 20 years, I can't help thinking if there were any feelings between you it would have come out long ago.

But, as you are asking, I can't understand why two people would be talking about "dinner and drinks" at the end of a long day, with a lot of travel plus activities plus meals already happening.

Itsbeen84yearss · 20/09/2021 23:13

I can see where you’re coming from. No help really. It’s awkward if you voice concerns and it’s awkward if you don’t.

TheHouseIsOnFire · 20/09/2021 23:31

I don’t think it’s ridiculous to question this, and I think some people on here have been absolute arseholes given your situation OP.

I know several people who have divorced, not widowed. But similarly become single and then have had married male friends hit on them. It seemed that while they were someone else’s ‘property’ they were seen as off limits but as soon as they became ‘available’ all of a sudden these supposedly coupled up men came crawling out of the woodwork. It only happened once to me, but I know plenty of women who’ve had it repeatedly. It’s quite depressing when you realise how many men are just waiting for the opportunity to arise.

I don’t know how you ascertain what his intentions are, but I’d hope that it would become apparent pretty quickly if he was being flirty rather than friendly.

I might be tempted to ask eg “shall I come to yours first and we can head off together” or maybe even ask what his wife is up to this weekend as she didn’t fancy coming, just to put it out there that you’re expecting her to be fully informed of what’s going on.

Original poster
RunningStrong · 21/09/2021 05:45

I might be tempted to ask eg “shall I come to yours first and we can head off together” or maybe even ask what his wife is up to this weekend as she didn’t fancy coming, just to put it out there that you’re expecting her to be fully informed of what’s going on.

I've said a couple of times now, he doesn't live anywhere near me. For me to do that, I'd have to travel an hour in the wrong direction.

I think the fact that you’re wondering how close it is to a “date” says more about your feelings towards him, than about his feelings towards you

I'm not wondering, I know it's not a date. I worded it the way I did becuase I'd like to know how it "looks" bearing in mind my changed situation and the fact that women (who I do know and thought were my friends) far from being supportive in this awful situation I find myself in, seem to have decided I'm some sort of ridiculous threat.

OP posts:
slashlover · 21/09/2021 06:40

I'm single, my male friend has a long term partner, we do things like this once or twice per year, sometimes even staying over in a hotel (separate rooms).

It's not a date, it's two friends who have the same hobby. Go and enjoy your day out with your friend OP.

To be honest OP, I think in male / female friendships there is always some kind of undercurrent or frisson or whatever you want to call it, whether this is acknowledged or not. It’s what makes it interesting, frankly. If it was a boring man you had no connection with, you wouldn’t hang out with him would you?

Friendship makes it interesting, having the same interests, enjoying each other's company etc. Yes, we have a connection but we in no way fancy each other at all. If the only thing making it interesting is a frisson then is that's a bit sad.

OppsUpsSide · 21/09/2021 06:47

I’m a bit confused, is this purely a discussion about a hypothetical situation where your friends wife has suddenly become jealous of your long standing friendship because you are newly bereaved, or has there been some indication that that is actually the case?

Original poster
RunningStrong · 21/09/2021 06:52

@OppsUpsSide

I’m a bit confused, is this purely a discussion about a hypothetical situation where your friends wife has suddenly become jealous of your long standing friendship because you are newly bereaved, or has there been some indication that that is actually the case?
I don't know how wife has responded to my situation. He came to the funeral, she didn't, which wasn't surprising as I don't know her, but she could have come with him if she wanted to without it being odd.

What I have noticed is that the attitude of the female half of my (our) couple friends has changed since DH died, which has made me wonder about how she might view things too.

OP posts: