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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner violent when sugars are low.

390 replies

Badlytornfrube · 20/09/2021 16:19

My good friend has recently had a baby with her partner. He is a type 1 diabetic and has had trouble stabilising his sugars since a recent injury.

He has very verbally aggressive and has pushed her. Two weeks ago he bit her on the arm. Each time he has blamed it on a sugar low and has gone to the GP to ask for help with this. My friend thinks this is not a reason to leave and not his fault because of the sugars. He has never been violent towards his kids from a previous relationship or the new baby.

I think the blood sugar excuse is bollocks and she should run for the hills. The fact he has never hurt the kids proves he can control himself. She is financially fine and has a flat to go to.
Has anyone had any experience of low sugar causing violence? Is he responsible? Should she leave?

YABU not his fault
YANBU she should leave

OP posts:
LoislovesStewie · 21/09/2021 13:53

@Cadent

It’s not ignorance to be concerned about a woman at risk of violence.

It’s possible to understand the challenges faced by diabetics but still be concerned for this woman and want her to be safe.

Perhaps I should have chucked my AC out then when he started having seizures due to hypos and lashing out at me? Of course that would have meant certain death, so I didn't.
CatJumperTwat · 21/09/2021 13:53

It's not as easy as that. He'll die.

What?? There's nothing to suggest he needs another person's assistance during hypos, especially now he has alarms.

To all those saying he needs to move out until he "has control"... he will never have control. He's always going to have hypos occasionally, no matter how hard he tries. A few a month is completely normal and wouldn't be cause for concern. Even one a week wouldn't be a big deal.

Simonjt · 21/09/2021 13:57

[quote Cadent]@Simonjt

Imagine if a MNer posted a thread stating her husband chucked her out the house during a life threatening medical episode and wouldn’t let her back in.

I’m sure her husband would be fully supported in his decision…

No one has said chuck him out. People are saying he should leave for the safety of his wife and dc whilst he gets this under control.[/quote]
In what way is that not him being thrown out when dangerously unwell?

Simonjt · 21/09/2021 14:00

@SpittinKitten

I'm sacking off all NHS and diabetes groups advice, deferring to mumsnetters for future info on what hypos are like (based on their uncle's friend's experience), and preparing myself for Broadmoor...
Do we get a special uniform?
Rhubarbcrumblerules · 21/09/2021 14:08

My ex-H Type 1 diabetic had 2 or 3 bad hypo's whilst i was with him, he did become midly aggressive whilst in this state and was trying to fight off me and paramedics until they could get some glucose into him. No biting but a lot of shoving and pushing, like he didnt want to be touched.

Oblomov21 · 21/09/2021 14:34

Plus. You all seem to be forgetting that such things as libres weren't even readily available in the uk on the nhs pre 2019. No alarms at night years ago.

Plus mine is funded by my hospital. The UK is the best in the world, not everyone is so lucky.

Omnipod, Medtronic pump & sensor. New things each year. They never had a sensor when I was first put on a pump in 2002.

I weed into a test tube and dropped in a fizzy tablet, to test blood sugars, for the first 10 years of my diabetes.

Ninkanink · 21/09/2021 14:43

The woman in question is, as far as we know, perfectly able to understand this aspect of his condition, to cope with it and to want to support him with it. It’s not as if she has no agency in the matter, from the information we’ve got, and frankly I’m irritated that people persist in casting her in the role of someone who feels unsafe in her own home when we’ve no indication that that’s how she feels. As far as we know she’s just like any number of other women quite capably helping, supporting and caring for their diabetic partners/parents/children with great strength and great fortitude. Yes it might be emotionally taxing, harrowing and/or frightening at times (because it’s tough to deal with potentially deadly medical emergencies) and yes, sometimes it’s very difficult to cope with, but they (we) do it, because they (we) love that person and want to help them. It doesn’t automatically translate to feeling unsafe. It’s early days after the injury and they’ve not yet learned how to make allowances for that, nor have they learned to spot early warning signs. They will learn and hopefully the incidences of severe hypo incidents will become much rarer.

It was OP who was concerned, looking at it from outside and with absolutely no understanding of what a hypo entails. She’s already acknowledged and accepted that her concern was ill judged, since it is not ‘bollocks’ nor a case of DV. The woman in question is not trapped.

Having said that...

If the woman herself was on this forum saying she was felt unsafe in her own home and thought her partner/husband was going to seriously harm or kill her or her baby during a hypo, my advice to her absolutely would be to remove herself from the situation or to arrange for him to go elsewhere for a while, whichever was simplest and actually feasible for them. And if she ultimately decided she wanted to leave him because she couldn’t - or didn’t want to have to - cope with the difficult bits of his condition, then yes, I’d absolutely support her in walking away. As others have said, no woman is obligated to stay in a situation in which they fear for their safety.

Oblomov21 · 21/09/2021 14:48

I agree totally with everything Nink just said.

timeisnotaline · 21/09/2021 14:51

@CatJumperTwat

It's not as easy as that. He'll die.

What?? There's nothing to suggest he needs another person's assistance during hypos, especially now he has alarms.

To all those saying he needs to move out until he "has control"... he will never have control. He's always going to have hypos occasionally, no matter how hard he tries. A few a month is completely normal and wouldn't be cause for concern. Even one a week wouldn't be a big deal.

There’s no reason to assume this is his life now. He was never like this before, he destabilised following an injury which is common, quite possibly the disrupted routine of a new baby is making it harder to get back to where he was. Those suggesting he leave means while he’s working this out, expecting him to get back to where he was, which is reasonable.
CatJumperTwat · 21/09/2021 14:58

It's not reasonable because there's no indication of HOW he can "get control" and absolutely no guarantee it will ever happen. Plus, there are far less drastic options that can be taken first.

VestaTilley · 21/09/2021 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 21/09/2021 15:03

While there's an audience I would like to remind everyone that diabetes in the leading cause of lower limb amputation in the UK.

It is also the leading cause of blindness in working age adults.

It is a horrific life long condition.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/09/2021 15:11

@VestaTilley

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
And could you explain to us how your understanding of type 1 diabetes has led you to this conclusion?

This thread is helpful in understanding how health scares like MMR get started. There is an inverse relationship between knowledge and certainty.

TintinIsBack · 21/09/2021 16:49

@CatJumperTwat

It's not as easy as that. He'll die.

What?? There's nothing to suggest he needs another person's assistance during hypos, especially now he has alarms.

To all those saying he needs to move out until he "has control"... he will never have control. He's always going to have hypos occasionally, no matter how hard he tries. A few a month is completely normal and wouldn't be cause for concern. Even one a week wouldn't be a big deal.

So now that he has the alarm, he will know much earlier in he has an hypo, won’t get irritable/violent so his partner is now safe. Right?

Or are you saying at the same time that he can control his hypos and dint need any help at all because of the alarm
AND
He will never be safe because he will always have uncontrolled hypos

You’ll have to decide which you are really

CatJumperTwat · 21/09/2021 16:54

What are you on about? He'll always have hypos. They can develop a strategy to keep them all safe when the alarm goes off.

AMALT · 21/09/2021 16:56

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow what’s the gist of that deleted post?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/09/2021 17:21

[quote AMALT]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow what’s the gist of that deleted post?[/quote]
I won't incur the wrath of MNHQ by quoting it. Basically the same ill-informed rubbish as in many earlier posts, combined with a complete certainty that she was right.

TSSDNCOP · 21/09/2021 17:46

@Badlytornfrube sorry I got busy. I don't want the thread pulled. I want MNHQ to start paying attention to posters spouting utter crap about a disability and clearly a subject they know nothing about and, unlike you, aren't even prepared to listen to.

If anything it should be in Classics.

Ninkanink · 21/09/2021 18:02

@Badlytornfrube I wanted to come back and give you Flowers and say that your friend is really lucky to have you - you absolutely did the right thing in asking and it’s actually really heartening to see you accept what people with medical knowledge and understanding of this extremely serious condition have said and even apologise to those who might have been upset. So thank you for that.

Your concern for your friend came/comes from the right place and I do understand how ludicrous the insulin/glucose management vs. hypo paradox and resultant extreme difficulty might sound to someone who doesn’t have any first hand experience. You’ll be far better placed now to help your friend, look out for her needs in this, and support her in supporting him.

peoplearepeople · 21/09/2021 18:06

My child was diagnosed with type 1 in 1998 when they were just a baby. Technology since then has improved things hugely, but I really don't think anybody who doesn't directly care for or have type 1 has a clue just how all consuming it is. There is never any holiday or break from it. You always need to be aware of what food has been eaten, what insulin has been taken, and all the other factors that will be affecting the blood sugar at the given moment.
There is a phrase I was told when they were diagnosed "diabetes never sleeps, and nor do the parents" and it really is so true! Hypos and potential death always feel so bloody close. Trying to explain to a 3 year old that if they don't eat or drink they will die? Good luck with that one. Grin
I hoped that along with technology, attitudes and education might have improved after all these years. It appears not!
It wouldn't actually surprise me if what some people take away from this thread is that diabetics are violent. That's the level of comprehension we are dealing with here. I've tried to toughen up a lot of the years as have realised that people are just thick or don't care. The evil glares when giving my child a sugary drink when he was going hypo, the judgement that he must be diabetic because he ate too many sweets etc.(yes idiots still think that about type 1!) It's just so tiresome and really does get to you as a young parent just trying to keep your child alive. I highly doubt that people would treat other more visible disabilities in this way.
I agree with everything @Ninkanink said. A voice of reason on this thread for sure. Smile

LoislovesStewie · 21/09/2021 18:54

@peoplearepeople. yes, we have had that. The comments usually being' if you drink that you'll get diabetes.' We have always said 'too late, it's here already'. Other idiots telling him off because he's drinking a sugar drink because of a hypo !! The school refusing to allow a sugar snack in his backpack because if he has one when he needs it everyone else will want one!! Making him walk to the medical room for a glucose tablet or sugar when he was having a hypo and wondering why he is on the floor. Uh because he is having a hypo stupid. Not letting him have a snack before PE because everyone will want one! And trying to ban him from school trips because they didn't want to monitor him.
I had to remind them not to discriminate against a person with disabilities before we got anywhere. Just maddening!

bakebeans · 21/09/2021 18:55

This reply has been deleted

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TSSDNCOP · 21/09/2021 19:02

Since you don't know Ec or Jo personally I'm just going to leave you this from the Disbetes council

Type 1 diabetes was included in the Equality Act in 2010. This means that Type 1 diabetes is described as a disability. Although a lot of people with Type 1 wouldn't consider themselves disabled, it does mean that you're protected from discrimination at work or school because of your diabetes.

BreatheAndFocus · 21/09/2021 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for repeating deleted message. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

WhenwillSleephappen · 21/09/2021 19:54

@peoplearepeople

It sounds like this is a very recent thing since his injury. I suspect the violence has been directed towards the partner purely because she is the one trying to bring him round from the hypo. It's really not unheard of. If Dr's or work colleagues were trying to help him I think he would have the same response. I despair at so many people thinking it isn't a thing just because they haven't encountered it. People on this thread with experience have said time and time again that it is proven that aggressive behaviour can occur. When it comes to biting it could very well be from her trying to administer glucogel etc in the mouth. Often the jaw will clench up or grind.
It’s a good reminder that just because we haven’t experienced it ourselves, it doesn’t make it untrue.

My sibling and I are diabetic. I’ve never needed medical intervention, they have on multiple occasions.

And I wished people would read others experiences - it’s very true (in my experience) that whoever is trying to help is going to get the majority of the backlash (verbal or for some people physical). I get very grumpy when someone is telling me to check my sugar or feeding me.
But not every time - different hypos cause different symptoms.

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