Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

[bagpuss90]

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

I voted YABU but only because you’re considering not going. Go and make it clear you’re a free agent throughout. And yes, look after your own passport. There’s absolutely no need for her to have them. I agree with you, she’s subtly taking charge. She can only do that if you let her.
Control freak is her projection because you have opposed hers.

Be breezy and firm with her. Enjoy your holiday.

One of the first rules in every country about a passport is :

You must know where your passport is at all times. It means you keep it with yourself.

Same with boarding passes or any other kind legal documentation that's issued to YOU.

Frankly, I will be backing away from the holiday and tough titis to your SIL and DP if they don't like it. You are not a kid, don't be treated like one.

Put your DH's and your passport into your bag and tell her that she's not having them
You need to be united on this one
Failing that and he hands his over to her he won't be playing 'hide the sausage in Slovakia' or wherever you're going.

Sounds as if the holiday will be awful.

I would consider not going-because she thinks it's ok to ask that & because your husband thinks it's OK!

He's really happy to be treated like a child??

YANBU - no way would I hand over my passport. Has everyone else just gone along with it? You're right to worry how the rest of the holiday will go - give her an inch and all that!

@Alondra

One of the first rules in every country about a passport is :

You must know where your passport is at all times. It means you keep it with yourself.

Same with boarding passes or any other kind legal documentation that's issued to YOU.

Frankly, I will be backing away from the holiday and tough titis to your SIL and DP if they don't like it. You are not a kid, don't be treated like one.

This

And on some, countries, you should carry your passport at all times, it's your ID.

Tell your DH he is a spineless road and SIL simply isn't the boss of you?

If you're sharing accommodation and be worried about her finding yours and hiding it from you to make a point but that's me being paranoid!!!

When she asks for it, say, ‘why do you want my passport?’. If she says it’s because you might lose it, laugh and say, you’ve managed not to lose it for x number of decades so will be sticking with what you always do, thanks.

She sounds bonkers.

Failing that and he hands his over to her he won't be playing 'hide the sausage in Slovakia' or wherever you're going.

That just sounds like a different type of controlling behaviour.

justmetoday It’s just the principle - we’re not children- she hasn’t even asked if it’s okay- we’ve basically been told that’s what she thinks is happening.. I worry she will want to run the holiday and that it will cause friction. Not just with me but with everyone . It’s part of a wider picture and I’m sorry I just don’t think it’s normal behaviour

@justmetoday

I dont understand why it matters who has the passports. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Seems like youre making a huge deal about nothing because you dont like her. I mean, its a little odd that she would suggest it, but if it makes her happy just leave her to it? If shes such an organized contol freak its very unlikely that shes gonna lose all of them.

really? Setting aside the OP-is-not-a-child thing, its one of those things you need to have ready to show when travelling and saying oh my sil has it is not going to cut it. I would say though that the OP's DH is a grown up too and entitled to make his own decisions about whether or not to trust his sister.

@bagpuss90

justmetoday It’s just the principle - we’re not children- she hasn’t even asked if it’s okay- we’ve basically been told that’s what she thinks is happening.. I worry she will want to run the holiday and that it will cause friction. Not just with me but with everyone . It’s part of a wider picture and I’m sorry I just don’t think it’s normal behaviour

I don't think it is the principle, its just not a good idea.....at least what i mean is that if you start off by arguing on the principle you will be at her level....better to stick to the practicalities which will be harder for her to argue against.

Just laugh and say "Don't be silly, I'm not 12". I always find humour is the best approach with pushy people.

You need a collection of phrases in your back pocket:

“No thanks, my documents stay with me”
“You go ahead, we’ll look after our own meal ordering / day out booking / setting temperature in the shower thanks”
“No that doesn’t work for me so I will : proceed as planned: but you go ahead if that’s your choice “

“LOL SIL, you do know I am a fully grown adult? I even have a Girl Guide badge for getting in a plane / reading a map / calling a taxi / “

Your DH should have a word with her. Tell her she needs to calm down as her anxiety about other people’s organisation is causing tension.

@TomFuckery

Put your DH's and your passport into your bag and tell her that she's not having them You need to be united on this one Failing that and he hands his over to her he won't be playing 'hide the sausage in Slovakia' or wherever you're going.

no that's wrong and getting onto SiL's level. he is a grown up too and gets to make his own choices.

Are you even legally allowed to give someone else your passport? I thought it was ID therefore something you should carry yourself

I'd have to respond with "Hi SiL, DH has agreed with me even if he hasn't said it to you yet that each family will look after their own passports, boarding cards etc. That way, if we get delayed or separated in the airport, the rest can still board the plane without delay. Thanks for the suggestion that you'd hang on to both but I'm sure no one wants to feel like they are on a school trip. Can't wait to be sipping pina colada's by the pool."
Would that work do you think???

Has she produced any sort of justification for the passport thing? Is she seriously saying the entire family is so useless that none of them can look after their passports? And are they all going along with this?

I think if anything you're under reacting if this is what the holiday is going to be like. I'd say not knowing where you're going is almost worse than the passport thing.

If you feel you have to go send something back like " Hi SIL we'll be keeping our own boarding passes and passports. Please send details of where we're going." to see how she responds.

BIL has some controlling tendencies - due allegedly to anxiety - that mostly manifest in not letting us see how much we need to pay on bills and then dictating an amount, but this seems like a whole new level of batshit crazy.

What's your plans when abroad? Do you have separate cars for getting around, any plans on what you're doing? If it's self catering in a shared property ,I'd be bowing out now as the omens are not good.

Maybe she intends to ditch you all overseas and come back home alone. No other reason to hold the passports of others.

I’d think your SIL’s behaviour is so crazy it’s funny, but what’s worrying is that your DH thinks you’re overreacting.

If he can’t see how bizarre her demand is and therefore won’t stick up for you when ridiculous requests are made, it doesn’t sound like it will be an enjoyable holiday.

@bagpuss90

justmetoday It’s just the principle - we’re not children- she hasn’t even asked if it’s okay- we’ve basically been told that’s what she thinks is happening.. I worry she will want to run the holiday and that it will cause friction. Not just with me but with everyone . It’s part of a wider picture and I’m sorry I just don’t think it’s normal behaviour

It's not normal behaviour. And those who are accusing you of making drama, either just love saying that or are controlling themselves.

I'd make it very clear to your DH that you're not going to trot along with whatever SiL wants to do on holiday and that he should let her know this before the holiday. He doesn't have to be confrontational, just firm. If she kicks off, it's better it happens before the holiday than afterwards.

@Balonzette

Could she be wanting to arrange a surprise but needs passport details to do so? I live abroad and you neef passport numbers for booking trains, boats, planes, and even attractions. Might be grumpy because you have ruined her plan?

If you do a group booking, you get passport details - no., expiry date and office of issue, you never give your passport.

I've been married almost 30 years and I've never given my passport to my husband and viceversa. We each carry our own and put the boarding pass inside. When the kids were small, one of us would handle them but as adults, NO ONE takes my passport.

Don't go. You know it will be awful with her trying to boss everyone and your DP being their meat in the sandwich and the prize in the bossing contest. Will he meekly hand over his PP to his sister or will he/you keep it? She will have won if you keep yours and he hands his over. Even if you win the PP battle she will set daily challenges to prove her power and everyone else's submission and you'll end up having a miserable time especially if everyone else falls into line. Frankly, I'd tell her to fuck off but then I don't much care what people think of me.