Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

[bagpuss90]

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

[Dillyjones72]

Just tell your DH that you’ll hold your family passports and she can hold hers. I don’t even hold my DW passport. Adults keep their own, one adult keeps the kids with theirs.

[bagpuss90]

Porcupineintherough No I’m very laid back. I think she’s going to want to run the entire holiday

[TokyoTammy]

Just keep saying no that's not happening.

How many are going and what are the age ranges?

You are not unreasonable in the slightest. Grieving or not, it doesn't allow someone to take control of other people and dictate to them. It's a slippery slope with people who act like this.

[bagpuss90]

She’s very patronising and I refuse to be treated like a child

[TokyoTammy]

Personally I think the trip is going to be hell on earth. Think you need a safe word with your DH

[MzHz]

Your issue here is that dp can’t see it

SIL is trying to call the shots and this is a start of things to come, so I’d excuse myself and leave them to it

[bagpuss90]

Eight of us and all in our forties -fifties 😩😯All responsible adults too 😂

[WheresYourSnickers]

This has disaster written all over it!

[RazorSharp]

@Porcupineintherough

I wouldnt give her my passport but neither would I work it up into some huge, personal affront. It's clear you dont like her and resent going on this holiday. Are you going to pounce on everything that isnt how youd want it and create drama?

Surely OP is allowed to not like someone who treats them like an incapable fool?

Why would she enable them to do that? Of course you tell them no! Or laugh in their face, because that's what they deserve.

Create drama? I think the SIL is doing that!!

[jackstini]

Batshit and I would be keeping my passport. Need boarding card too for duty free shopping! Plus you will all need your own to go through security and as you board the plane!

Send her a photo of yours and DPs passports so she has the details - just in case that's what she actually needs but doesn't want to say

What type of holiday is it and who's going?

[RampantIvy]

I think she might be unpleasantly surprised at the airport when security staff will want each of the 8 people to carry their own boarding pass and passport. Also, when going through passport control you can only go through one at a time unless you have children with you, so each person will need to carry their own passport.

If she is booking the flights she will need your passport details, but you can give her those without handing over your passport.

If she had asked me I would just say "no, I'm looking after my own passport", and if she kept on asking I would just say "please stop asking me because I will not give you my passport" and repeat ad infinitum is necessary. She is the one being controlling, not you.

[jackstini]

Just seen there will be 8 of you
What are the others saying about passports?

What are the plans for when you're away?

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

Haha she definitely has issues
I'd just laugh this off but also I'd tell dh this is the first and last time you'll be going on holiday with her!

[MitheringMytryl]

That's very weird. If your refusal to hand over your passport is met with any sort of resistance from her then I think it's completely justified to get quite angry with her.

[Lockdownbear]

This is next level stuff. What do you think shereallywants them for? It canNOT be “organisation”???

That's what I was thinking, what does she really want them for?
Surely 8 middle aged adults are capable of looking after there own passports.

Does his family have links to the country you are going to?

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

Have you responded to her about the passports yet? If not, can you se d a group text/WhatsApp saying:

I’m planning to do some shopping at the airport so I’ll need to keep my passport and boarding pass with me. Don’t worry, I promise I won’t lose them!

Ok, you may or may not want the last sentence in there but it does send a message to everyone that you are standing up and you may find other in-laws joining you.

It is always easier when you have support. Or at least recognition of other people’s batshittery.

[bagpuss90]

No one has any links to where we’re going .

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Not a chance in hell would I hand over my passport - I'm not a child, fgs!

I carry my children's passports for pretty obvious reasons, but I absolutely would not attempt to take DH's too, he's well able to look after it himself. And as for any other extended family - no chance!

The ONLY reason I might ask to look after another adult's passport would be if they had memory issues, or LDs or similar.

So that would be a flat No from me.

As for the rest of the holiday - well, it's really up to you and your DP if you allow her to run the rest of the show. If you want to do something that they don't, then you organise it and book it. If it means you having to hire your own car/transport, then you'll have to do that. At no point should you all be bowing to this one woman's whims, no matter how grieving she is.

[twoundertwo22]

She sounds more like the control freak in the group. I wouldn't handle her my passport. Don't give in. Say you'll be looking after your own & DH passports as you feel you're capable of that. Easy. Your DH can't expect you (an adult) to handle your belongings to his sis so she can be organised. She can be organised with her own stuff not yours

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

8 adults? No children (who would someone, not necessarily SIL) to hold passports)?

Batshit!

[Howshouldibehave]

I don’t think I’d be going on this holiday-she sounds awful and your DH just doesn’t have your back.

She wants YOUR passports but apparently YOU are the control freak?! Er…no.

[bagpuss90]

Porcupineintherough I’m not taking it personally -it’s it just my passport she wants. She’s fallen out with so many people over the years - she has no friends . I just think it’s a massive red flag for the whole holiday . I hope I’m wrong but I won’t be bossed around 🤷‍♀️

[Fundays12]

No way would I hand it over to anyone. I refuse to allow hotels abroad to keep my passport. They can't insist either though some tried due to laws around passports. She is nuts. I would tell her no chance.

[DressBitch]

I would ask her why and keep asking her why to everyone response. There's absolutely no reason for her to have them all.

Are the other travellers going along with it?

[ChaToilLeam]

Just refuse to hand over your passports. She can’t make you do so, and besides you may need them for ID. You will certainly need your own boarding card for airport shopping.

If she needs your passport number for booking certain events then by all means share it with her but keep the document yourself.

I think you’re in for a bumpy ride… time to practice good-humoured refusals to her bonkers demands, and make sure your DH does too.