Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

[bagpuss90]

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

Look at the requirements of the country you are going to. Often you are supposed to have id (passport) on you at all times. I would cite that as my reason for having passport and hint that you will be needing it when you go off together as a couple away from her batshit plans. That might elicit a little more detail on the level of control she is planning to exert. I would recommend only doing stuff altogether only every other day - or less frequently if you can get away with it!

@Hopdathelf

Failing that and he hands his over to her he won't be playing 'hide the sausage in Slovakia' or wherever you're going.

That just sounds like a different type of controlling behaviour.

Yeah.....

@bagpuss90

justmetoday It’s just the principle - we’re not children- she hasn’t even asked if it’s okay- we’ve basically been told that’s what she thinks is happening.. I worry she will want to run the holiday and that it will cause friction. Not just with me but with everyone . It’s part of a wider picture and I’m sorry I just don’t think it’s normal behaviour

It's not normal behaviour at all. It's illegal.

Don't second guess yourself and tell her point blank to take a hike.

that is ridiculous and why is she even saying this now?

I’m visualising the scene at the airport as SIL doles out passports and boarding passes to 7 other adults before gathering them back in again at every stage of security!

That’s wild, and she’s nuts.

One of the adults, usually me and dh hold the passports for all 6 of us including ILs at check in. I then hand them back out with boarding cards (keeping the dc) so adults can shop in the airpriseand everyone is responsible for getting themselves to the gate.

Your sil is batshit

In the EU country I’m from, you have to have some form of ID on you at all times. It can be your ID card or your passport.
Your sister in law is weird and controlling. I wouldn’t be handing over anything to her, end of.

On a family holiday when I was a teenager, my mum held all our passports for us 'to keep them safe'. First family holiday without dad post-separation to prove we could do it without him. Well, she lost them all. Described it as them being stolen but can you really say that if you leave them in a bag on the back of a chair at an outdoor cafe and forget for several hours, until you've been all over the city and spontaneously realise you'd had a bag with you all day? Wound up in the embassy for three days, after I had to make an attempt at a police report in my basic secondary school level language that we could take so we could have emergency passports issued. And we had to call my dad for copies of our birth certificates, too.

just say “no” and carry on. Of course she doesn’t hold passports. She can’t control you so don’t notice her nonsense.

It is worth having a photo of your passport if - as happens to @Ratatwat - it gets lost. If you're wanting to play nice - but honestly at this stage I wouldn't be as she's seeing how far she can push you - you could send a photo of it.

When she asks, just frame it as if she’s doing you a big favour that you’re happy to define. So:

Can I have your passport so I can keep them all together?

• No, you’re ok, I’m keeping mine.

But it’ll be easier if I have all the passports together in one place.

• Thanks for the offer but I can keep my own passport safe.

But everyone else has given me their passport.

• No, really, I’m fine looking after my own.

Just keep repeating yourself until she gets the message.

@MLMbotsno

Maybe she intends to ditch you all overseas and come back home alone. No other reason to hold the passports of others.

It solidifies the notion that she is heading up, before they’ve even got there. That’s quite a good reason for a domineering person to hold them. Of course she views OP’s refusal as control freakery. OP isn’t letting her have control. A reasonable person would shrug and say ok then. After all, who cares really? A person with an agenda will act defensively and implicate their opposer as being at fault. It’s how overbearing people operate.

We don’t go for 5 weeks -she already packed- told my DP on Saturday - that “ she could walk out the door now” for the airport 🙄😩

Is she a school teacher or in some other occupation where herding people is normal? If yes, she's defaulting and needs to be laughed out of it. If not, she's BARMY! Beware! Who knows what other holiday arrangements will she try to set in concrete?

Well it’s all going to go badly wrong…I would refuse to go . It will all end in tears!!

@bagpuss90

We don’t go for 5 weeks -she already packed- told my DP on Saturday - that “ she could walk out the door now” for the airport 🙄😩

Good grief.

Good grief. Do not pander to this ridiculousness.

If she asks again I would act innocent and keep asking "Why?" questions.

She'll have to explain herself. Then she'll hopefully see how ridiculous she's being. Or at least others will.
For example.
OP - Why do you need my passport?
SiL - I want to keep them together.
OP - Why do they need to be together?
SIL - In case one of them gets lost.
OP - Why do you think I, an adult, would lose my passport?
SIL - Just in case, I'd rather they were safe.
OP - Why do you think my passport isn't safe with me.
SIL - Because no-one but me can be trusted.
OP -

The packing early is fine if weird,some people just like doing that.
But back to the holiday- what are the plans when you're there, is it self catering with shared accommodation or a hotel ?

You need to be setting some very clear expectations for how this holiday is going to unfold. If she is already packed, and wants all your passports and boarding cards you can bet your bottom dollar she has an action pack, compulsory itinerary for you all.

Start booking tickets for things you and DH want to do. Maybe even hire a car so you can zip off for the day at will.

Otherwise you will be at her mercy.

Don't say you weren't warned.

You should have a look for the holiday thread by CatThiefKeith (Rip). That should give you an idea of just how pear shaped things can go.

I disagree. I think that so long as the OP remains neutral and polite with her sil, she can’t be held to account for any wrongdoing. Not just regarding the passports but the whole trip away. Being open to compromise but cheerfully firm over autonomous decisions is the way to go. That’s not to say that sil won’t create; she might, but no one can implicate you. Make it your business to have a nice time.

Your DH needs to back you 100% and tell her she isn’t having either of your passports. I have had issues with my SIL, she is incredibly domineering. But the real issue is DH reaction to her behaviours, he is genuinely scared of her. She is older than him and bullied him as a child, she even bullies her own Mother.

Be a united front, my SIL is the only reason over the many years DH and I have been together that we have had the occasional serious issue. It almost broke us up at one point because I was so upset he didn’t have my back.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Yeah, give her your passport because it's no big deal and you should be nice and not cause a fuss.

Also, give her your money to look after.

🙄

No. Stand firm. Polite but firm. No. I will be keeping my passport thank you.

Exactly, I don't ever understand why the person not going along with another's batshittery is the difficult one, or the one causing problems rather than the one making the bizarre demands!

Just another example of how she rubs me up the wrong way . A few weeks ago she asked on a Monday if she could borrow our camping stuff for the following weekend . I said yeh no problem. But I was going out on both the Monday and Tuesday evening . However I had a day off on the Wednesday and I would sort it out for her then. Half an hour later she was knocking on my door for it as she thought id “forget “ to do it. I was just going out for the evening . I stood my ground and told her she’d have to wait .Again I was the control freak -i was doing her a favour.

OP, this holiday is going to be shit.

Have you been away with her before?