do people who got married young feel envious of people who got married older 35+?

[RetroMy]

Sometimes?

married young I mean 18-24 years old vs over 35 years old.

I do because being married young didn’t give you a chance to develop your interests as an individual or sexually because you were too busy pleasing someone else at that age. Trying to make a relationship last that started that young is difficult and having children young would mean you didn’t get a chance to experience youth by yourself.

Anyone else?

I feel like I’m ready to start my life over again. Now. No longer together and happier.

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@Rozziie

It's not remotely the same travelling alone as travelling with someone else. Absolutely nowhere near the same level of growth and learning.

What an absolute pile of rot.[/quote]
Have you ever travelled alone extensively?

The fertility ‘cliff’ is a myth. Sadly, the fact that female fertility declines with age is not.

OP, it doesn’t do to be too prescriptive about these things. If you’re looking back at your own life and wishing you had done things differently it’s tempting to identify ‘rules’ that could have saved you from decisions you now regret, but the reality is that everyone’s life is different. For some women, travelling / working / focusing on themselves until their late twenties might be ideal for their happiness and well-being. For others, getting married and starting a family might be.

I married young by your definition. My husband is my favourite person in the world, and the reason I now have a happy and fulfilled life. I have an excellent career which I wouldn’t have if not for the support (financial and emotional) of my husband while I was obtaining my professional qualifications. I wouldn’t have my baby if I hadn’t married him, which is unthinkable. I wouldn’t have the nice house I live in, or the wonderful life I enjoy. For me, marrying young was an amazing decision and I don’t regret it in the slightest.

Do I think all women should marry young? No! What worked for me doesn’t necessarily work for others. There are no rules, only individual paths to follow.

Don't feel envious at all. Dh and I met when me/him were 18/19 and married at 24. Now 50/51 and been married over 25 years, had dc at 29, 31 and 32 so they're now all left school, though 2 are still at home.

I love the fact that we've grown up together, we've been each other's partner through loads of stuff but we've made it through stronger and happier, including me getting ill and disabled 9 years ago. We have our own friends, interests, jobs but also share a lot.

And OPs fertility thing is utter tosh. I had the inherited early menopause that runs in my family and if I'd waited until 36 I may well have been struggling, though I didn't know that at the time (dysfunctional family!).

Just because you do things one way, doesn't mean it's the only way.

@RetroMy

I feel like if I was going to advise someone, I’d say the best age to start dating would be 28+ years old. Then get married between 29 - 34. Then start having kids 36+ years old. (Fertility thing is a myth I’ve read up on it and plenty women I know manage to easily get pregnant late thirties anyway.

I would tell them leave 26 and below for yourself, travel, education and establishing your career

Well, if I had followed your advice about leaving children until 36+, I would have none. If you have unknown fertility issues, and leave ttc until mid-late 30s, you are not in a good place. I thank my stars I started ttc late 20s, giving me time for fertility treatment and having a decent chance of it working.

And actually, I feel lucky that I met DH when I was 18, and have had such a wonderful life with him. And given that Mumsnet is awash with tales of feckless men, I’m glad I have one that pulls his weight and has supported me in my career progression.

@Sewannoying I think though that any woman who desperately wanted children would be worried about the same thing you were, and do the same thing you did. Most realise that there is a level of risk in leaving it late (assuming it's a choice to do so).

My friend and I are on both sides of this. When we were younger and she married I thought she had it all. She’s divorced now and I’m just married in my thirties and she’s said that she missed a lot of experiences dating etc whilst young and she doesn’t feel emotionally equipped to deal with it having never done it before. It’s been a big shift for her.

@Ozanj

The myth that fertility declines rapidly after 35 is based on 16th century data. It isn’t true at all for modern women. Age related infertility / pregnancy problems only starts in healthy women after 45.

WTF?! Please stop posting such misleading drivel.

'Age related infertility problems only start in women over 45???'

What joke book did you get this from?

What an incredibly misleading and dangerous thing to post. Shame on you.

It's not remotely the same travelling alone as travelling with someone else. Absolutely nowhere near the same level of growth and learning

Meh, not sure this is true. I’ve done two round the world trips - one solo, and one with my husband (back when he was just my boyfriend). Would say both were equally enlightening / explorative / opportunities for growth. But the one with my husband was more fun, because I was sharing the experience with my favourite person.

I met my husband to be at 22, I'd already had 2 relationships of 18 months, been engaged and travelled with an ex around Europe. I also travelled alone for a couple of months not long after meeting my OH and have travelled alone a number of times during our marriage and continued after my ds was born.
My ds will be 18 soon and my DH and I are planning a year out to travel the world. I'm so happy that I'm still young enough to do it. I find also that I have learnt a lot travelling with someone else, it really teaches you what you need in a partner, what you can cope with and how to work as a team.

I think it depends on the quality of the relationship. If you have met your 'soulmate' and are happy and in love then you wouldn't be jealous of anyone else. It must be really lovely to be able to look back at your young love days and all the innocence and excitement that comes with falling in love when you're young and be able to reminisce on all of that. However, I think it's rare to find a love that can withstand all the changes you go through from around 17-24.

When I was 24 so many couples I knew that had been together from mid/late teens and seemed really steady and like they were heading for marriage split up and I also split up with my long term boyfriend that year. And I think it was a case of we'd all done a lot of growing up and had changed during those transformative years so those relationships didn't fit anymore. Towards the end of that relationship I was very jealous of people who were single or in the early dating stages but it was because I was in a relationship that I knew deep down wasn't right for me.

I think you're more likely to find someone who will be a long lasting good match for you if you are dating when you're a bit older as you're more settled in yourself. You've had time and experience to learn what works for you and what doesn't in relationships. So when you decide to settle down with someone you're making that decision with all that knowledge and life experience at your back so in theory you should be able to make a better choice than you would at 19 or whatever.

I'm nearly 28 now and I've been with my current boyfriend for two years now and I'm so content and also very confident that we are right for each other because I can look back on past relationships and know there is a big difference in how I feel and how I am treated in my current relationship. Obviously I can't see the future but I'm as sure as I can possibly be that I'm with the right man and that certainty is a benefit of settling down a bit later.

@Gorl

It's not remotely the same travelling alone as travelling with someone else. Absolutely nowhere near the same level of growth and learning

Meh, not sure this is true. I’ve done two round the world trips - one solo, and one with my husband (back when he was just my boyfriend). Would say both were equally enlightening / explorative / opportunities for growth. But the one with my husband was more fun, because I was sharing the experience with my favourite person.

Same here Gorl. I have travelled loads by myself, with friends, with DH, AND with DH and the kids when they were little. Like you said 'all experiences were equally enlightening / explorative / opportunities for growth,' but it's more fun with other people. Can be quite lonely on your own.

To say you get nowhere near the same level of growth and learning when you're with other people is a load of drivel.

I got married at 39 which for me was perfect - my best friend got married at 24 and at the time l felt a bit envious thinking she was sorted for life. But she has recently separated from her husband and says she wished she hadn't made the commitment so young as they have both changed so much. I think 30 upwards is a good age but each to their own.

And OPs fertility thing is utter tosh. I had the inherited early menopause that runs in my family and if I'd waited until 36 I may well have been struggling, though I didn't know that at the time (dysfunctional family!).

Agree. All indications (e.g AMH levels, maternal menopause age) suggest that I should have a late menopause. Instead I’m late 30s and peri menopausal, and it’s looks like it might head to menopause very soon. And it’s not related to my general fertility. Dsis, who has had no fertility issues, is the same.

Nope married pre twenty and never envied those who stayed single longer

Not at all. I've been with my DH since I was 14 years old, married him when I was 21 and had our first child a few months after.

I'm 25 now and expecting our third baby any day. We're best friends and I still fancy him like crazy - we laugh together until we can't breathe and sex is wonderful. Not bothered in the slightest at missing out on other potential partners, I don't think there's anyone who could make me happier anyway. We were children when we met and we've definitely shaped each other - a huge part of who I am now as an adult is because of him. And I really like who I am.

We've had fun holidays together in our teens and lovely holidays as a family with our young children. Lots of plans of more 'grown-up' trips in the future when they're older.

No. I've been with DH since I was 21. But in that time, I didn't focus on pleasing him🤨 I completed two degrees, did a volunteer year abroad, spent loads of time with my friends, went abroad with friends, but also spent lots of time with DH, bowling, cinema, trips away. We married when I was 27, and we started trying for kids immediately. Good thing to... because for us the "fertility thing" was not a myth and DH went from fertile and no issues to major issues verging on infertile in the space of 18 months.

It sounds to me like you're regretting some choices you've made but it doesnt have anything to do with being young and marrying. Lots of people stay happy with their partners although they got together young.

@RetroMy - I hear you OP, I think when you get together young, you either grow together, or grow apart.

No, the odds were stacked against my ever having met my husband at all. I'm grateful we've been able to spend so many years together by marrying when we did.

Tbh, I was never interested in dating lots of different men, anyway. Not my idea of a good time. Definitely don't feel like I missed out by marrying early!

I met my husband at 18, married at 25 and had our first child at 35. I wouldn't change a thing. We grew together

Nope, I'm in my mid 40s and been married nearly 25 years. But then we have never felt we need to be together for everything, we have both been off travelling apart and have our own separate interests as well as the things we like to do together.

No got married at 21 never regretted it at all. Might feel differently had the marriage ended but for us it was definitely the right thing to do.

No!
I got married at 25 but had a lot of life experiences before then
Had 2 DC and ended up as a lone parent before 35
I’ve had amazing times since then - along with awful times too
I’m now 57 and apart from not being in the best financial position have zero regrets

@MyPatronusIsACat how is it drivel? Of course you bloody don't. When you travel with someone else, you have them by your side at all times as a support network. If something goes wrong, you're not on your own, you have both emotional AND practical help. I have travelled with friends and partners and it's not remotely comparable to doing it alone. There isn't the same gut wrenching feeling when something goes wrong that you're going to have to sort it out all on your own. There isn't the same necessity to interact with other people and get out of your comfort zone. You don't have to make decisions on your own and then deal with the consequences. You don't, as you would as a lone woman, need to carefully plan at all times how you can stay as safe as possible while still having fun.

I can't fathom how you've 'travelled alone' and don't see how solo travel is much more challenging and demanding. Did you just go on an all inclusive to Mallorca or something?

Nope. Married at 20, still together nearly 25 years later. Never regretted marrying when I did and still do things for me.

@Gorl I also usually find travel with others is more fun, but we're not talking about fun, are we? The most important travel experiences I've had have also been some of the hardest.