do people who got married young feel envious of people who got married older 35+?

[RetroMy]

Sometimes?

married young I mean 18-24 years old vs over 35 years old.

I do because being married young didn’t give you a chance to develop your interests as an individual or sexually because you were too busy pleasing someone else at that age. Trying to make a relationship last that started that young is difficult and having children young would mean you didn’t get a chance to experience youth by yourself.

Anyone else?

I feel like I’m ready to start my life over again. Now. No longer together and happier.

I think for many it's a common mistake made whilst young and naive. You don't necessarily realise the things you will miss out on.

So what's the answer if you do meet someone young, decide not to commit because you're not the right age and potentially miss out on a very fulfilling relationship because it doesn't fit someone's deadline? That sounds quite immature and naive to me? Surely it's about people, not age, every person is different, we all meet the people we could commit to at different ages and want to commit at different ages. To deny yourself something due to an arbitrary number and the possible unknowns of what you may or may not miss out on seems stupid to me.

If anything, I'm the other way around. Met my older DH at 23 but he wavered for a long time about getting married, so took us till I was 30. I refused to buy a house if we weren't married and I couldn't be sure of his commitment (to protect myself as I had very few savings), so we got on the property ladder much later and lost out on a lot of value there. If I'm honest with myself I wish I'd had the wedding when I was a lot younger without the health problems (and weight gain) I experienced in the time in-between, since we're both still together anyway 16 years on. However, we have no kids so it didn't affect our independence too much one way or another, if we had then maybe I'd feel differently.

Yes, just for clarity. If you happen to meet someone aged 20 who you love, who loves you, and who you're happy and compatible with - you dump them, right? On account of the schedule.

Similarly, since some people are very focused on the conviction that the only way to grow in your 20s is to be Totawy Awone, you shouldn't date either, just in case you get serious with someone and they influence you in some way. In fact it's best to commit thee to a nunnery for the duration of your 20s, lest you suffer the terrible misfortune of meeting someone and falling in love. And even then that only works for completely straight women.

I hesitate to point out something so fucking obvious, but life doesn't work like that. You can't just decide "my 20s are for me, I'll order up some Husband Candidates from the store at 29". There are pros and cons to every set of possible choices. I agree that women shouldn't be desperate to "settle down" in their 20s in a way that causes them to panic and grab at the nearest available man or to rush into something before they really know their needs, but shit happens, man. Insofar as I had expectations about how my adult life would go, it was probably more or less in line with what OP suggested. That's not what happened, though. And being partnered and then married has never been experienced as a limit on my choices. Rather the reverse. That's sort of what makes DH right for me.

It makes me feel a bit sad that so many people on here have had the opportunity to fall in love multiple times so that they can pick and choose when to get married.

That’s really not been my experience. The world hasn’t been full of people to fall in love with. I know many people who didn’t get married because they never met anyone to marry.

If you get married in either your twenties or thirties you are lucky to have met someone, or more than one someone, and fallen in love.

I met my now DH when I was 31, we married when I was 38 and I had children at 39 and 42.

In my 20s I had three long term relationships (and three affairs), went to uni and travelled round the world.

I was ready to commit when I met DH but also ready to put myself last when I had DCs as I'd done all the fun stuff already.

So what's the answer if you do meet someone young, decide not to commit because you're not the right age and potentially miss out on a very fulfilling relationship because it doesn't fit someone's deadline? That sounds quite immature and naive to me? Surely it's about people, not age, every person is different, we all meet the people we could commit to at different ages and want to commit at different ages. To deny yourself something due to an arbitrary number and the possible unknowns of what you may or may not miss out on seems stupid to me.

I wasn't saying that. I was settled with a child by mid twenties (not yet married but as good as). I was just answering the "why do it then?" question. Being too young and naive and not realising how you might feel later is a big cause of divorce, I'd say. Certainly this is exactly what happened with my DP with his previous marriage. I'm not saying people should wait, I'm just saying of those that don't wait and then regret it, they probably didn't realise they would end up feeling that way as they lacked the experience to do so.

Met at 15, married with two children by 20 and a third who came along after. 30 this year. So 15 years together so far who knows what will happen in the future but I can’t say I feel I missed out on anything good.

I mean I guess I missed out on dating assholes and fuck boys and having my time wasted.

I guess I could always divorce and do the marriage in 30’s plus more children again but no honestly I wouldn’t want to date or go on dates. If we divorced I’d probably just have a friends with benefits type thing on the go.

@MyPatronusIsACat

Have to say it's very refreshing to see so many posters who got married in their 20s (and many who are still happy after 15, 20, 25, 30 years or more...) If some of the threads you read on mumsnet are to be believed, you'd think that most people get married at around 37 and start having children at 41/42...

I have even seen quite rude and unpleasant posts on some threads (from a few posters) suggesting that people who get married in their 20s are usually the lower classes, and the less intelligent, and that you have obviously sacrificed your career if you get married in your 20s.

And the laughable posts saying you cannot possibly have a fulfilling travelling experience if you get married in your 20s are just plain daft, as well as ill-informed and arrogant. As has been said 'NEWSFLASH! You can still travel alone, even when you are married! I know. Who knew right?

It's mad, isn't it, and you're right that seems to be the prevailing attitude. I finished university and went to work in financial services. I was no 'failure'.

We bought a house, I was 22 or 23. Had my first child at 25 - and good God, the faces of the school gate mums. Sneers and nasty comments. "Is dad still in the picture then?", "Was your child intentional?" I resisted snapping back that we probably out-earned the lot of them, but safe to say I never did 'mum friends'.

We travelled with the children. Beautiful road trip across Sicily, climbing mountains, boat rides on Lake Como, eating tapas in small north Spanish villages... kids are fine with travel if you give them a chance.

Plus me and DH had a little 'solo travel' each year taking in a city break over the weekend. He wasn't interested, but I relished it, getting to see Amsterdam, Milan and Edinburgh just before lockdown hit, doing all the stuff kids aren't as keen on like war museums or long afternoons in art galleries.

I was 22 and DH 21 when we got married. We have had a fantastic life full of fun and adventure and we are still happily married 36 years later. I don't feel I made any compromises at all in marrying young.

DH and I met at 21, moved in together at 23, engaged at 24 and married at 25. We're now 31 and he's my best friend.

We've grown together and in that time we've got a house and a dog, I learned to drive, I went back to college after leaving school with shite qualifications and I've got an HNC, BA, MSc and last year I jacked in my career to do a PhD. That came with massive personal sacrifice but he is my biggest cheerleader. We've travelled all over and we have plans to finally see Japan when I graduate in 2023.

My parents (57 and 61yo) have been married since they were 20 and 24, and my brother is getting married this year at 25 so apparently we get married young in this family

I married at 20, 15 years later I thank my lucky stars I found him and married young. I had packed my mid to late teens with kissing frogs and he was a few years older with a career etc. We have so much fun together, lots of travel, sport, theatre, time together and apart with friends/family. I never would’ve set out to get married so young but wouldn’t change a thing. I feel a lot of responses are judging young marriage and are from people who either were older and feel that they are somehow superior or from people who married the wrong person young. You can’t help what stage in life you will meet somebody. You could miss out on a wonderful life with someone if you put restrictions on meeting them. I’ve seen friends marry in their 30s who are already split. You’re either the right fit together or you’re not. Also, not everyone desires to travel alone.

I do get what you mean, OP.

I spent nearly the whole of my 20s with the same man, although we never got married. We broke up when I was around 30 and then I met my now-husband who I married at 36.

I’m a completely different person now than I was in my 20s, and my husband couldn’t be more different from my ex partner, in all the best ways. I feel grateful every day that I found him and that I didn’t marry my ex. I feel like I was much more ‘myself’ by the time I met my husband and that’s part of the reason I’m so happily married now, and that I’m so much clearer about what I do or don’t want in a relationship.

I have lots of friends who got married young and they’re a real mixed bag. Some have grown and changed together in a way that has only made them closer and stronger, some are happy but a bit restless and wondering ‘what if?’ because they settled down so young and never really dated anyone other than their high school/university boyfriends, others are downright miserable because they married completely the wrong person. That can happen at any age though, and I’m sure plenty of people rush into marriages in their 30s when they feel they’re ‘running out of time’ and end up miserable as a result.

I think Rozziie perhaps you are struggling to understand that there are many ways to grow and learn and travelling is but one. In addition plenty of people aren't that bothered about growing and learning and just want to relax and enjoy life.

Your idea of "travelling" seems to be based upon learning to cope with hardship/stressful situations. Trust me I've done that in other ways and I simply don't want to go travelling in the way you describe. I want to snuggle with DD on the sofa and watch frozen.

I live in one of these areas where everyone waits to have children until late 30s/ early 40s and you would not believe the proportion of mums I have met through baby groups that have, once we've got to know each other, shared that their baby was in fact conceived by IVF. I would honestly be surprised now if I met an early 40s first time mum and she hadn't had IVF, it's that common.

Seriously, don't assume that because there are older mums everywhere these days that the decision to have children later didn't come at huge emotional and financial cost.

I met my DH at 21, had a baby at 31 (couldn't conceive for a long time and got married on Saturday at the age of 40! It feels amazing. We still love and fancy each other like mad and we've travelled tighter and established careers. Only thing we haven't done is buy a house but we're saving for that now.

Met my husband in my first ever university lab at 18 started dating at 19. Bought a house and had our son at 23 and married at 28, we are now 31 about to move into our forever home.

Wouldn't change it for the world only thing I think we missed out on was a holiday just the two of us (we always did friends or family holidays) so our son will love us at 18 when we give him the cash so he can take a friend to maga and we can go to Mauritius!

I think because we have literally grown up together we have a bond we mightn't have had if we meet say in our 30s

Wow I feel old because I had my only dc aged 27. I bought my first house for £400k in 2011 with dh aged 24 married aged 25. Now have massive equity, I finished my professional exams whilst pregnant, worked a few months after baby was born hiring a nanny for her, and after first dc we travelled everywhere all around the world until coronavirus hit. My dc been to more places than most people I know. My only regret is not hurrying up finishing my exams so I could do it younger because my energy levels are rubbish tbh.
I think if it works it works. If I had had more money I'd do all the married and dc bit of my life earlier!

Oh, unstealth wealth posts now, brilliant, this thread has everything.

Nope. Met dh when I was 19, been together for nearly 20 years. Ds1 born when I was 24 and no regrets.

@FourTeaFallOut

I am pretty sure that @pinkvelvetcoat is taking the piss.

A house bought in 2011 wouldn't have 'massive equity' in 2021, unless you put a massive deposit on it - and most people would NOT have a massive deposit for a £400K house at the age of just 24 ...

Only a win on the lottery, or an inheritance, or a massive cash handout would enable someone to do as pinkvelvetcoat said. As I say though, she is obviously having a laugh. She knows most people wouldn't buy that outlandish story!

The 'wealth' along with having a baby whilst sitting professional exams, hiring a nanny and the masses of travelling, AND getting married and buying a house worth almost half a million, all before the age of 25. !!! Good laugh pinkvelvetcoat

'Over-egging the pudding' alert though!

@FourTeaFallOut. It’s because there was a comment early on suggesting that ppl who married younger were lower on the social scale, presumably thicker and poorer than those who waited longer. 🤨

Not true in many cases!

[quote Cameleongirl]@FourTeaFallOut. It’s because there was a comment early on suggesting that ppl who married younger were lower on the social scale, presumably thicker and poorer than those who waited longer. 🤨

Not true in many cases![/quote]
Well of COURSE it's not true that people settling down young are lower down the social scale, but @pinkvelvetcoat's post was obviously joke. Just to take the piss out of those snobby people. It was far too outlandish to be true.

Opphs, I didn’t read it properly.

A house bought in 2011 wouldn't have 'massive equity' in 2021, unless you put a massive deposit on

I bought a flat in 2011 for 350k that recently sold for 650k. Not unusual for London.

No, I don't regret to have married young. We have been married more than 25 years and I am still in love with him. He is funny, intelligent, caring and does his part of the chores without being asked. I feel lucky.