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Original poster

do people who got married young feel envious of people who got married older 35+?

331 replies

RetroMy · 19/09/2021 20:11

Sometimes?

married young I mean 18-24 years old vs over 35 years old.

I do because being married young didn’t give you a chance to develop your interests as an individual or sexually because you were too busy pleasing someone else at that age. Trying to make a relationship last that started that young is difficult and having children young would mean you didn’t get a chance to experience youth by yourself.

Anyone else?

I feel like I’m ready to start my life over again. Now. No longer together and happier.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 19/09/2021 20:26

The fertility 'thing' is not a myth, don't be ridiculous.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 19/09/2021 20:27

The grass is always greener on the other side I think.

I throughly enjoyed my 20s, and am still not sure that I'm "ready" for kids now. I'm actually quite jealous of one of my old school friends who got pregnant at 16, 18 and 19, she's now 33 and recently divorced, her kids don't need her as much, so she is enjoying going out more and has just started a uni course and seems to be having a great time.

IWillWashTheGreenWillow · 19/09/2021 20:27

@Keladrythesaviour My DH helps me to be the version of me I want to be. And I hope I do the same for him.

This is what I meant, more succinctly put.

Rozziie · 19/09/2021 20:28

@RetroMy

I feel like if I was going to advise someone, I’d say the best age to start dating would be 28+ years old. Then get married between 29 - 34. Then start having kids 36+ years old. (Fertility thing is a myth I’ve read up on it and plenty women I know manage to easily get pregnant late thirties anyway.

I would tell them leave 26 and below for yourself, travel, education and establishing your career Smile

I would as well. I grew up with a head full of misogynistic rubbish about how it was really important to settle down early, meet someone in your twenties, etc. because the pick of men gets very thin after that. I very much wish now that I'd waited until at least 28 to even start dating, and that I had spent the time before that doing exactly what I wanted to do and learning about myself. I didn't get married but I was in a very long term relationship that ended when I was 30. All the learning about myself and doing my own thing, I ended up doing from 30-34ish. Very much wish I'd done it sooner.
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 19/09/2021 20:29

Been with DH since 20, married since 26. Didn't have a child until 31, by choice, and managed to have lots of fun, study, travel, and develop just fine. I've always felt very privileged that I didn't have to worry about dating, I could have children as soon as I personally felt ready, and was free to concentrate on the rest of my life and achieve things together it would have been harder to achieve solo. I literally missed out on nothing. I got very lucky.

CynsterBitch · 19/09/2021 20:29

I met DH at 22, married at 24. I don’t feel like I missed out on anything, but I was very sexually active between 17-22, so I feel like I had enough “different” sexual experiences.

PegasusReturns · 19/09/2021 20:29

Nope not at all.

I got married young and I’m now in my 40s.

I feel like I’ve lead a couple of lives in that time: I’ve travelled, had different jobs, lived overseas, set up businesses. I’ve grown as has he.

I’m also delighted that my DC are now all getting independence whilst I’m still relatively young.

Samanabanana · 19/09/2021 20:29

What a weird, sweeping generalisation Confused Whatever age you meet someone, take it slow and make sure you're right for each other before taking on the big commitments such as marriage and children, doesn't matter if you meet when you're younger or older, I think that's sensible advice! Met DH at 21, married at 26, did all the exciting careers stuff/travelling/adventures/partying, had DC1 at 31 and DC2 is due imminently (now 36, and guess what, had trouble conceiving #2, possibly due to age).

MyPatronusIsACat · 19/09/2021 20:29

PMSL as if. Why on earth would someone who got married in their 20s or early 30s be JEALOUS of people who got married much later???

If anything, it's far more likely to be the other way around.

LookMawAPossum · 19/09/2021 20:30

Nope.

In fact, I have many friends who are so desperate to settle down and have babies in their thirties that they pick wholly unsuitable men.

I’m definitely not envious.

Rozziie · 19/09/2021 20:30

@Annoyedanddissapointed

yourself, travel, education and establishing your career

You know, you can do that when married, right?

It's not remotely the same travelling alone as travelling with someone else. Absolutely nowhere near the same level of growth and learning.
Original poster
RetroMy · 19/09/2021 20:30

@Rozziie you get me and I get where you’re coming from Flowers

OP posts:
racquel86 · 19/09/2021 20:31

All I know is in my early twenties (I didn't marry or have children) I was adamant I wanted to settle down and have children before I was 30. It never happened for me sadly but I'm now 35, not married but with a man I see myself spending my life with and I'm pregnant for the first time.... turns out 35 is not old (who'd have thought eh 🤣) and actually I couldn't find myself in a better place to be settling down and having a family. It wasn't what I planned when I was younger .... but I'm not who I was when I was younger.... I'm mentally stable, I'm the healthiest I've ever been, I'm grateful for the little things in life, I'm not constantly searching for the weight loss, the job, the dress, the house etc... that's going to make me happy.
I guess what I'm saying is life's path is individual for all and there is no right time to wait for.... you just know it when u get there x

HikingforScenery · 19/09/2021 20:31

I’m with you OP. I got married just outside your defined range marrying young and even though I’m blessed with a very happy marriage, I do advice my daughter to aim for 30ish for marriage.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 19/09/2021 20:31

Not really. I’ve been with the same person since 18. Now mid 30s, kids are growing up. I’m not at uni. No regrets.

MyPatronusIsACat · 19/09/2021 20:31

@Rozziie

It's not remotely the same travelling alone as travelling with someone else. Absolutely nowhere near the same level of growth and learning.

What an absolute pile of rot.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 19/09/2021 20:32

Sorry that should be I’m now at uni.

ThinWomansBrain · 19/09/2021 20:32

@RetroMy

Oops typo - meant The Guardian
or the Gruniad Grin

everyone matures differently, meets people they're in tune with at different stages of life - you can't base everything on what worked or didn't work for you - you're as likely to meet a crap partner at 40 as 20,

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 19/09/2021 20:35

Met DH at 19, married 24, DDs at 25&26. Since then we moved country 5 times, plus two other location moves (now settled in own home as DD1 starts Secondary next year). Had loads of interesting experiences and a load of fun. Looking forward to 10 years time when DDs will both be adults and we will have more "freedom" in our mid forties.

I admit to some curiosity about how different life would have been if I hadn't met my husband in the second year of university. No regrets though.

Ozanj · 19/09/2021 20:35

@shouldistop

The fertility 'thing' is not a myth, don't be ridiculous.
The myth that fertility declines rapidly after 35 is based on 16th century data. It isn’t true at all for modern women. Age related infertility / pregnancy problems only starts in healthy women after 45
ProfSprout · 19/09/2021 20:35

Not my experience at all.

I never planned to marry young but I met dh and he was the right person for me. He still is all these years & 2dc later.

But our relationship is healthy, strong & based on mutual respect. We’ve grown and developed together, and given each other the climate & space to do so. We’ve had our adventures together - and I’m excited about the time in the not to distant future when our dc are grown & leave home and we can have all kinds of different adventures, and we’ll still only be in our early 50s.

I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out in this way but you can’t project your situation on to everyone. We’re all different, and that’s ok.

elQuintoConyo · 19/09/2021 20:35

I met DH at 23, we got married at 35, dc1 at 36.

We have travelled loads, changed jobs, bought, rented, bought again, have lived together in three different countries.

Go at your own pace, there's no right or wrong.

museumum · 19/09/2021 20:36

@RetroMy

I feel like if I was going to advise someone, I’d say the best age to start dating would be 28+ years old. Then get married between 29 - 34. Then start having kids 36+ years old. (Fertility thing is a myth I’ve read up on it and plenty women I know manage to easily get pregnant late thirties anyway.

I would tell them leave 26 and below for yourself, travel, education and establishing your career Smile

I met my dh at 29 (him 34) but the reason I feel we got on so well and still do us because of the relationships we each had before. It was the long term boyfriends I had age 21-26 that allowed me to see what I did and didn’t want or need in a relationship.
InTheNightWeWillWish · 19/09/2021 20:37

No, I’m not jealous of people meeting their spouse later in life. I count myself as incredibly fortunate to have met my husband when I did, to have grown with him and to have time just us before kids.

I would tell them leave 26 and below for yourself, travel, education and establishing your career

I married DH at 26, so just over your criteria for young but we met when we were 20. We’ve both developed interests independent of each other during our relationship, we both finished our degrees, got graduate jobs in niche areas, I’ve completed a masters, DH has completed his professional exams. We’ve travelled together. We’ve also built a life together. I’ve never connected with another person the way that I connected with DH. I don’t believe in soul mates but I’m halfway through your arbitrary age for when I should meet someone but I’ve never had that spark with anyone else. I’m so incredibly grateful that I didn’t throw DH away because “we were too young” by some arbitrary guide.

Your marriage obviously isn’t allowing you to feel you can grow as individual. However, there’s no guarantee that waiting until 35 would have guaranteed that either.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 19/09/2021 20:38

The myth that fertility declines rapidly after 35 is based on 16th century data. It isn’t true at all for modern women. Age related infertility / pregnancy problems only starts in healthy women after 45

Hmm really?