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Original poster

do people who got married young feel envious of people who got married older 35+?

331 replies

RetroMy · 19/09/2021 20:11

Sometimes?

married young I mean 18-24 years old vs over 35 years old.

I do because being married young didn’t give you a chance to develop your interests as an individual or sexually because you were too busy pleasing someone else at that age. Trying to make a relationship last that started that young is difficult and having children young would mean you didn’t get a chance to experience youth by yourself.

Anyone else?

I feel like I’m ready to start my life over again. Now. No longer together and happier.

OP posts:
wineandcheeseplease · 20/09/2021 07:48

I met oh at 20,married at 23, kids at 29 after 5 years of trying. I don't feel I have missed out on anything. He is the only person I have even been with too and that doesn't bother me at all. We've done our own hobbies, lived lives just fine

RazorSharp · 20/09/2021 07:49

@RetroMy

I feel like if I was going to advise someone, I’d say the best age to start dating would be 28+ years old. Then get married between 29 - 34. Then start having kids 36+ years old. (Fertility thing is a myth I’ve read up on it and plenty women I know manage to easily get pregnant late thirties anyway.

I would tell them leave 26 and below for yourself, travel, education and establishing your career Smile

I doubt anyone would listen to you!
Bluntness100 · 20/09/2021 08:09

I suspect you’d only feel like this if you were in a bad marriage, where you were unhappy. Clearly if you are happy you’d not feel jealous.

I met my husband at 20. We married when I was 25. I’m now 52 can’t say I ever give a thought to it.

RazorSharp · 20/09/2021 08:14

@Bluntness100

I suspect you’d only feel like this if you were in a bad marriage, where you were unhappy. Clearly if you are happy you’d not feel jealous.

I met my husband at 20. We married when I was 25. I’m now 52 can’t say I ever give a thought to it.

Exactly!

Met when I was 18, married at 22 and happily married for 34 years so far!

It was/is great to have a lifelong partner.

Children are now adult and have been for ages and we can go and do our own thing/travel etc.

Rozziie · 20/09/2021 08:21

@Annoyedanddissapointed

This is probably a language/xulture barrier but what's a difference between travel and holiday, here? Because I would consider wild camping and trekking a holiday? Or travelling through some country?
There's definitely some overlap but I'd said duration is a big one, as well as the sorts of things you do. If you're working all or most of the time, it's definitely not a holiday, is it? The sort of thing where you're just doing fun stuff (bars etc.) and hanging out with people every single day might be travel but it's also not the kind of thing you're going to learn much from.

I've met a lot of people who say things like 'I've never got that much out of solo travel' and then when you press them on what they did or where they went, it turns out they meant a week in a resort or something, or a few days in Paris at a nice hotel, or something else where they were basically catered to and looked after at every step. That's a holiday.

PattyPan · 20/09/2021 08:24

@Noodella18 because the younger you meet, the more of your lives you get to spend together which is obviously better if you like spending time together! I’d be sorry if I met DP say in my 40s because we’d have missed out on an extra 20 years of life together.

PegasusReturns · 20/09/2021 08:28

I’m confused re the travelling - is it not possible to do that and marry “young”.

I’d spent months travelling and lived overseas as an adult for two stints before I got married .

PattyPan · 20/09/2021 08:29

I've met a lot of people who say things like 'I've never got that much out of solo travel' and then when you press them on what they did or where they went, it turns out they meant a week in a resort or something, or a few days in Paris at a nice hotel, or something else where they were basically catered to and looked after at every step.

I’ve never got anything out of solo travel that I didn’t from travelling with a companion and I actually have a good comparator because I interrailed both alone and with friends. Then again IME you’re never really alone if you stay at a hostel because it’s so easy to make new friends.

Wisteriac43 · 20/09/2021 08:30

From my high school friends:

  • met her husband young, looked like a huge mistake and it hasn't always been easy. But now it works really well and I can think of anyone happier
  • friend had her first baby just put of highschool, now has 4 kids and is married. Really hard fee years but WHAT a kind person
  • best friend went 'travelling' - did South America, SE Asia, volunteering in India. Really great career. Ran off with someone else's husband at 35, isnt very nice to the step child, I'm pretty sure he is very controlling. I hope everyday she leaves him.
  • other friend decided she had to stay with cheating husband as at 35 she might not have enough time to meet someone else and have a baby

There is no 'prescription' for what works. All I've seen is that when you get to your mid 30s the desire to be a Mum can really take over and meeting someone isnt always easy. My two best friends have massively compromised as they felt like time was running out to meet someone.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 20/09/2021 08:30

I’m confused re the travelling - is it not possible to do that and marry “young

Yes it is

I think though that poster feels that doing it alone means you are a proper traveler

minatrina · 20/09/2021 08:36

I've met a lot of people who say things like 'I've never got that much out of solo travel' and then when you press them on what they did or where they went, it turns out they meant a week in a resort or something, or a few days in Paris at a nice hotel, or something else where they were basically catered to and looked after at every step. That's a holiday.

So many people on this thread have discussed their experiences with travel that I'm fairly confident meets your definition of 'travel' vs a holiday, and said they didn't find it any more challenging than when they went with other people such as friends or their partner.

If some people find that solo travel was a super rewarding experience then that's fabulous, but others such as myself just didn't. People find different situations challenging. Being alone was never challenging to me, it was the situations and places I went to that brought my hardest challenges. The situations I find challenging and growth-inducing didn't get less challenging just because my husband came with me.

mowglika · 20/09/2021 08:37

OP I think you missed the point of that guardian article - the fertility ‘cliff’ is a myth, that women’s fertility suddenly drops after age 35. The fact that fertility is a steady decline from your twenties isn’t a myth.

Regarding your question, I got married in my early 30s and I’m definitely glad I had my 20s to focus on myself, to travel, work, spend time with friends and family.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/09/2021 08:39

I think you regret the things you didn't do no matter what the situation is.
I understand what you mean.
I wouldn't like to be married to my first love.

Cirin · 20/09/2021 08:41

Bold assumption that everyone who got married and had children young is unhappy.

I stayed at home and didn't pay for childcare, then retrained and returned to work in my early thirties ready to focus on career. Not a bad way to do things. Saved a bit of money.

Not everyone's miserable and lamenting their lost youth.

PegasusReturns · 20/09/2021 09:01

I think though that poster feels that doing it alone means you are a proper traveler

Yes but my point is you can still have travelled alone and got married young.

The levels of pretension on this thread are sky high Grin

Beachhuts90 · 20/09/2021 09:05

I would tell them leave 26 and below for yourself, travel, education and establishing your career

Many people don't end up doing what they do in their 20s long term. I changed careers at 29 after years doing something completely different. Having my husband made the whole thing so much easier because it was tough and I always had someone on my side at home. I'm glad I got married at 25 and I'm glad things have worked out the way they have both in my career and personal life. He's my best friend and I would be very lonely without him.

Hankunamatata · 20/09/2021 09:14

Nope. Married young no children until 28 as too busy enjoying life. I wouldn't be me if I hadn't married young and I quite like Grin

Rozziie · 20/09/2021 09:18

@minatrina

I've met a lot of people who say things like 'I've never got that much out of solo travel' and then when you press them on what they did or where they went, it turns out they meant a week in a resort or something, or a few days in Paris at a nice hotel, or something else where they were basically catered to and looked after at every step. That's a holiday.

So many people on this thread have discussed their experiences with travel that I'm fairly confident meets your definition of 'travel' vs a holiday, and said they didn't find it any more challenging than when they went with other people such as friends or their partner.

If some people find that solo travel was a super rewarding experience then that's fabulous, but others such as myself just didn't. People find different situations challenging. Being alone was never challenging to me, it was the situations and places I went to that brought my hardest challenges. The situations I find challenging and growth-inducing didn't get less challenging just because my husband came with me.

And just as many posters have stated that they agree with me.

I just don't understand how having someone at your side can possibly not make everything much easier. I don't know what situations or places you mean, but I can't think of a single scenario where having someone there with you doesn't significantly reduce the mental load, whether it's 'small' things like having someone to hold on to your bag while you're in the loo or run to the pharmacy if you're ill in bed or big things like your chance of harassment or sexual assault being vastly reduced by having a companion (especially if it's a man!)

Schoolpickup · 20/09/2021 09:19

No. I married at 27 (met 24) and yes look back and that as quite young in our circle but I feel like I started really living when I met DH and found myself. It's not like I needed him specifically to do that but the two coincide in my life.

What I would say is I have changed a lot since I met DH. I look (6 stone loss) and feel (friendly with wide social network compared to being loner) different. There is the risk that you or your partner can get to know themselves better/change over time if get married younger which could cause fundamental changes in your compatibility. But I guess that could happen at any age. We are creatures of change.

We have dd6 and our family motto is "we're still here"!

Rozziie · 20/09/2021 09:21

@RufustheBadgeringReindeer

I’m confused re the travelling - is it not possible to do that and marry “young

Yes it is

I think though that poster feels that doing it alone means you are a proper traveler

No - it means you have far greater potential for growth and learning through navigating situations alone compared to having someone else there to lean on.
knittingaddict · 20/09/2021 09:25

Married at 20 and still married 39 plus years later. Absolutely no regrets at all and I can't imagine being with anyone else. Getting married to my husband was probably the best decision I've ever made.

knittingaddict · 20/09/2021 09:26

Sorry that should say 30 plus years, not 39.

boobot1 · 20/09/2021 09:26

@Neonplant

I would tell them leave 26 and below for yourself, travel, education and establishing your career

This is what I mean. We did this but in a relationship. I'm sure many people also did.

Yup me! Though I was 27 when we got married we travelled the world and started a business together. Had my first child at 35.
Rubyupbeat · 20/09/2021 09:30

No way!
We married at 19 and 20, and are happily still together 37 years later.

minatrina · 20/09/2021 09:31

@Rozziie that's great that people agree with you - I'm not saying one experience is more common than the other, I'm saying everyone has a different experience! It's really not that hard to understand surely?

I'm definitely gathering that we had very different experiences if having someone to hold your bag when you went to the loo made a significant difference to your travel