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AIBU?

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Original poster

do people who got married young feel envious of people who got married older 35+?

331 replies

RetroMy · 19/09/2021 20:11

Sometimes?

married young I mean 18-24 years old vs over 35 years old.

I do because being married young didn’t give you a chance to develop your interests as an individual or sexually because you were too busy pleasing someone else at that age. Trying to make a relationship last that started that young is difficult and having children young would mean you didn’t get a chance to experience youth by yourself.

Anyone else?

I feel like I’m ready to start my life over again. Now. No longer together and happier.

OP posts:
Skysblue · 19/09/2021 23:06

Er no? Met Dh at 20. I’d already had four years of ‘developing my interests sexually’ and that was quite enough thank you, much better sex in a long term loving relationship.

Having children young is awesome, I didn’t but I wish I had.

Certainly don’t wish I’d gone without love until my mid-thirties, no.

Seafog · 19/09/2021 23:10

I dated loads, and slept with quite a few.
Still married DH at 20, it was the smartest thing I've ever done. When you find the right one, it doesn't matter what else is going on.
We have grown and changed over time, it's great, because there are new things to love about each other.
23 years married and counting.

DeepaBeesKit · 19/09/2021 23:18

this is the point I think most people on here have missed. We're talking about travel, they're talking about holidays

No sweet, we haven't missed the point, we just don't agree with your point.

Of course we know travel and holidays are different. We think they are equally valuable and rewarding life experiences.

I , like many people, don't really want to go "travelling". I cannot be bothered. It does not sound like my idea of fun and that is fine.

Noodella18 · 19/09/2021 23:20

@mypatronusisacat

Not necessarily always, but it is more likely that people over 35 will be envious of people younger than them who settled down before 35, than the other way around.

Why??

DeepaBeesKit · 19/09/2021 23:23

Also.... I don't classify travel as an essential or even very important part of life. To me having a loving and supportive partner, happy and comfortable home life, children and a career I enjoy are much much more important. Horses for courses and all that.

Rozziie · 19/09/2021 23:30

@DeepaBeesKit

this is the point I think most people on here have missed. We're talking about travel, they're talking about holidays

No sweet, we haven't missed the point, we just don't agree with your point.

Of course we know travel and holidays are different. We think they are equally valuable and rewarding life experiences.

I , like many people, don't really want to go "travelling". I cannot be bothered. It does not sound like my idea of fun and that is fine.

So you've never gone travelling in your life and still think you're qualified to state that they are "equally valuable and rewarding life experiences".

Uh huh.

You know, I've never had caviar but I'm sure it tastes just like baked beans. Don't understand what all the fuss is about.

MyPatronusIsACat · 19/09/2021 23:33

@Seafog

I dated loads, and slept with quite a few. Still married DH at 20, it was the smartest thing I've ever done. When you find the right one, it doesn't matter what else is going on. We have grown and changed over time, it's great, because there are new things to love about each other. 23 years married and counting.
Flowers Silver one coming up soon! Grin We have our Pearl next year!
QueenofLouisiana · 19/09/2021 23:39

Nope. We got married at 23, we'd bought a house at 22.
At 24 we spent the summer inter railing around Europe (both teachers, useful perk of meeting at training college). At 27 we did a round the world trip and at 28 we travelled around Russia. Once in a while we had to sleep in separate dorms if that was how the accommodation was set up, but not an issue.
At 29 we had DS and have devoted life to teaching him how to be a decent human, travelling as a group of 3 and surviving the last 18 months. He is now at an age where we can plan to travel as a pair again, we look forward to it.
We've been together more than half our lives, we've grown together which is great. He's still someone I really enjoy talking to.

DeepaBeesKit · 19/09/2021 23:45

No Rozziie, I have been travelling in my twenties, but have preferred the holidays and other life experiences I've had since. I am quite a lazy person, bit of a homebody. Get more than enough of the stuff to make you "grow and learn" in a week with DD to last a lifetime.

People are different. I'm pleased for you that you feel your travel experiences have been so important, for me other things have been more significant in shaping me as a person.

DeepaBeesKit · 19/09/2021 23:47

In other words (this is in fact true), I have had both caviar and baked beans, and I simply prefer the beans.

LookAtMoiPloise · 19/09/2021 23:53

What's there to be envious of?

minatrina · 20/09/2021 00:21

What's with all this "oh if you didn't find solo travel to be character building then you must have just gone to an all-inclusive in Majorca and not done real travel". I'm getting major "I think travel is a personality trait" vibes.

In any case, is it so hard to acknowledge that some people find different things challenging and rewarding?

I've done a reasonable amount of solo travel in different kinds of places. I didn't find it to be a particularly life-changing experience. It was fun and interesting, sure, but I had much more rewarding travel experiences with my now husband, and a lot of those trips have been far more challenging emotionally and physically than my solo travels.

And in general, I've had far more profound and life-changing experiences in situations that have nothing to do with travel.

Maybe your travel was the most life changing and challenging thing you've ever done. Fabulous, good for you! But that's just not the case for every single human ever. Crazy!

DeepaBeesKit · 20/09/2021 00:22

Thank you minatrina for demonstrating my point so eloquently Smile

JackieChiles · 20/09/2021 00:28

If I were advising someone young I would say if you’ve met the right person don’t put off having kids forever. DH and I could have easily started a few years earlier but we wanted to travel and build our careers. We had no idea it wokkd take two years to get pregnant, or that three of our closest family members would die before our children could know them. It is one of the great sadnesses of my life that my younger DC barely remembers my mother.

You shouldn’t settle for the wrong person but if you’re lucky enough to find a great partner young it would be a mistake to avoid it bc of someone else’s experience.

Boopeedoop · 20/09/2021 00:29

I was 17 he was 21, when we met.
Married at 20 and almost 24.

Wed 23 years and counting.

I don't regret a thing. Definitely not jealous! I'm too busy enjoying my own marriage to worry about anyone elses.

PrincessNutella · 20/09/2021 00:29

No, I would think that people who got married older would feel envious of people who got married younger.

Cameleongirl · 20/09/2021 02:10

@Embroidery

Its a class thing. Most mc do your recommended pattern. A lot establish their career and buy their forever home before kids in late 30s or later. But it comes with risks and trauma. And terminations.

This thread has a lot of early marriers on it which are skewing the narrative.

I know what you’re saying, Embroidery, but I don’t think class is always an indicator of when people will marry. DH and I are from very middle-class families, parents university-educated, our generation all have post-graduate degrees, professional jobs, etc. but some of us met our spouses early 20’s, married mid 20’s. Others were early 30’s. Just timing really. No children before 30 though.
Gorl · 20/09/2021 02:40

[quote Rozziie]@AwaAnBileYerHeid this is the point I think most people on here have missed. We're talking about travel, they're talking about holidays.[/quote]
This is hilariously condescending Grin

But also - you’re wrong. I’m absolutely confident that the trips I’m discussing would meet anyone’s definition of ‘travel’. My solo trip of 6 months was through Europe and south east Asia. My trip with my husband was 8 months through Europe, Africa, North America and South America.

And I completely stand by what I said - I didn’t find travelling on my own any more enlightening or growth-inducing than travelling with my husband. Maybe because I’m gregarious and make friends easily so I never really felt alone even when travelling solo. Maybe because I’m happy in my own company so it never felt like a chore to ensure. But regardless - I don’t dispute for a moment that your formative experiences have come from solo travel. But my experiences are different - there was no meaningful difference between solo travel and coupled travel for me, save that the latter was more enjoyable because I was sharing it with my favourite person.

whoneedsashoweranyway · 20/09/2021 03:09

No I don't think youre Being unreasonable, people need to go out let loose and find out what they enjoy. Lots of people can do this as part of a couple and be completely happy but others need that space to figure it out by themselves. There is no black and white answer to this question, because what you can see from pp is their own experience and that's ok too. OP, if you're feeling envious then allow yourself to feel that way, you don't have to act on it. Just remember the grass isn't always greener. You'll find plenty of people who were happy looking for love, kissing frogs in their late forties as easily as you'll find them in their late teens Smile

herculesoffline · 20/09/2021 03:52

I dated a lot from 17-19 until I met my husband, who I married at 27 (last year). I don't feel envious, or that I missed out. Just lucky that I met someone special so early on in my life..

garlictwist · 20/09/2021 06:43

I do think people that settle down young miss out on things. I had a great time in my twenties - moved to Paris, had a few flings, cycled around Europe etc. Yes, I could have done that with a partner but not as easy as you have to take into account what they want to be doing too.

Met my OH at 30 and glad that was the age we got together rather than earlier.

Noodella18 · 20/09/2021 07:19

@PrincessNutella

No, I would think that people who got married older would feel envious of people who got married younger.

Why?

user89000005 · 20/09/2021 07:40

@Rozziie for someone banging on about the importance of solo travel I can't say it's broadened your horizons or made you very open minded, you're coming across extremely ignorant which is somewhat ironic don't you think?

Annoyedanddissapointed · 20/09/2021 07:44

This is probably a language/xulture barrier but what's a difference between travel and holiday, here? Because I would consider wild camping and trekking a holiday? Or travelling through some country?

ManifestingJoy · 20/09/2021 07:45

For me, it is getting to the point where you're not scared of travelling alone that is the "key piece".
I would only expect to enjoy travels on my own, but equally i know that at 40 i would have been in that frame of mind wher i felt a bit sorry for myself that id nobody who wsnted to be with me.