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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dress completely differently for private school visit?

165 replies

Criesoverspiltgin · 19/09/2021 19:52

We’re visiting a private school for my child. It’s likely that they will gain some kind of bursary to attend as they’re pretty bright, but I REALLY don’t want to look like the ‘poor family’ on the open day. And if I do, what the hell do I wear?
AIBU to fake our usual attire?

OP posts:
HummingBeeBox · 19/09/2021 19:54

My mum and dad were the poor family and tried to dress differently. They looked like idiots. Be yourself like they ended up doing.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 19/09/2021 19:57

I think it's natural to dress smartly but I would t suggest buying new clothes for it.

mastertoseland · 19/09/2021 19:58

How do poor families dress then? We're the 'poor' family, relatively speaking (we actually pay full fees but grandparents pay) and we just wear what we'd normally wear. In fact, I'd wear exactly the same to look round a private school as I would to look round a state school.

Phineyj · 19/09/2021 20:00

Gosh, it never occurred to me to dress up for school open days!

lannistunut · 19/09/2021 20:01

Yabu. If you have to dress up, do not send your child there.

IME money-based bullying still happens at private school. Your outfit will make no difference.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 19/09/2021 20:04

Wearing clothes you don't normally wear to try and look "richer" than you are will say more about you thinking of yourself as poor than any clothes could.

Just wear your normal clothes. You don't have to pretend. Also wealthy people will 100% wear whatever the fuck they want with no apology and probably show up in slobby stuff all the time.

DappledThings · 19/09/2021 20:06

Why would you want to put your child into an environment that you think will be so judgemental?

Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2021 20:07

I work in a private school. Things we’ve seen:

Parent dropping off in a swimming costume in their way to a friend’s for a swim. Literally in the front seat in a costume and nothing else.

Parents dressed head to to toe in Lycra pre/post gym.

Parents dripping with diamonds in very old clothes.

A parent is likely to be dressed in m&s as boden. In fact a mum and I were in the same m&s dress the other day.

Just go as you - you’ll be fine.

SpikeyFloof · 19/09/2021 20:08

Don't because you'll feel even more uncomfortable and self conscious! Wear the clothes you feel most confident in and walk in like you own the place.

HalfpastFlea · 19/09/2021 20:08

Jeans, converse or trainers, shirt or Tshirt and a cardi or jacket is all I've ever worn to open days. The people that dress up are the ones that stick out like a sore thumb.

whattodo2019 · 19/09/2021 20:09

I work in a private school. come
feeling comfortable. Smart casual is perfect.
Don't overly dress and men certainly don't need to wear a jacket and tie!
However, schools
want to know you can pay something so don't play the 'we are v poor card'. Very few places over bursaries over 30%. And if they do they won't offer many.

Lucia574 · 19/09/2021 20:09

People come snd look around the independent where I teach in jeans, gym kit, whatever. It won’t matter in the slightest. What day of the week is the open day? If it’s a Saturday, go casual, not work-style.

Original poster
Criesoverspiltgin · 19/09/2021 20:10

Thank you for your replies.
I guess I’m thinking back to my childhood where I was a little embarrassed about my own parents for different reasons. I’m so worried about my child being frowned upon because of his background, but they really deserve a spot in that school! They give school 100% all of the time and really over achieve, but bullying really worries me.
If anyone has been in the same situation as us before, I’d love to hear from you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Criesoverspiltgin · 19/09/2021 20:11

It is a Saturday. Thank you

OP posts:
MotherOfCrocodiles · 19/09/2021 20:14

Well I don't know much about private school but I do know a few posh people.

Those saying just wear normal clothes are probably speaking from a position of privilege in that they won't accidentally wear the wrong normal clothes, because they are already in that social environment! I know lots of posh people who wear holey jumpers and ill fitting jeans for example, but have no idea if they would wear these to a school. For sure some things will Be out of place (loungewear, probably?!)

I don't actually know what you should wear op, but you are not unreasonable to ask. Pp could maybe be more helpful rather than implying that you should already know- which is exactly how you end up breaking the unwritten rules that you are worried about

Original poster
Criesoverspiltgin · 19/09/2021 20:14

Thank you, that’s very reassuring!

OP posts:
Original poster
Criesoverspiltgin · 19/09/2021 20:16

@Merryoldgoat

I work in a private school. Things we’ve seen:

Parent dropping off in a swimming costume in their way to a friend’s for a swim. Literally in the front seat in a costume and nothing else.

Parents dressed head to to toe in Lycra pre/post gym.

Parents dripping with diamonds in very old clothes.

A parent is likely to be dressed in m&s as boden. In fact a mum and I were in the same m&s dress the other day.

Just go as you - you’ll be fine.

Thank you, that’s very reassuring
OP posts:
Iloveabourbon2 · 19/09/2021 20:18

I would dress up tbh! First impressions and all that. Let's be honest it's a different class altogether.

Original poster
Criesoverspiltgin · 19/09/2021 20:18

@SpikeyFloof

Don't because you'll feel even more uncomfortable and self conscious! Wear the clothes you feel most confident in and walk in like you own the place.
This is what I shall do! Thanks!
OP posts:
Mumontheschoolrun · 19/09/2021 20:21

Some excellent advice here !

INeed2P · 19/09/2021 20:21

OP, children can be cruel sometimes. Do you have the money to be able to support school trips / uniforms (for many and varied activities like sports teams, formals etc) / activities? I know it's not directly what you've asked, but it is very obvious at private schools when someone perhaps doesn't have the same home life / background as the majority. It isn't everyone's experience however it becomes clear between children when not everyone can do activities / has the same holidays during summer or winter / has all of the knobs and bobs that come along with private school. It's not just about what your parents wear, it's what the children notice about each other!

To give some background - private school educated, my parents didn't really dress up (joules / boden for mum not really any makeup and normally dog hair on things 😂, always always shorts on my dad and a shirt unless it was December or January when he'd break out the longs haha) but that didn't matter at all as about 80% of the parents didn't dress up. What did seem to matter was when we got to school after hols we all had the same sort of ones to talk about, generally did the same sorts of things in our free time (think sporting families), had similar backgrounds so more easily to relate to. Some children weren't as fortunate and didn't have the same family background, lovely lovely people (one is still my best friend) but she was relentlessly picked on by certain pupils. Coming on a bursary meant second hand uniform, no after school activities or kits, no holidays, wasn't able to invite people round, couldn't join in with school trips etc. It became obvious about third year, and not everyone cared - but enough did to upset her.

Rummikubfan · 19/09/2021 20:23

I actually remember going to see DD’s prep school. I just wore jeans. DH wore a suit no tie and that’s only because he would have been on his way to work. People dress in anything. To be honest, most of the mums dress very casually. The tell tale signs are almost always engagement rings, watches (although a lot of people wear Apple watches now instead of expensive ones) handbags and coats. They are probably puffas but you can tell they cost a packet. The rest of the outfit is unremarkable

EatYourVegetables · 19/09/2021 20:23

I’d wear clothes I’m used to and comfortable in, but top end of the “casual” range. I completely agree with @MotherOfCrocodiles that there very much is a wrong thing to wear. Eg, a PP above says “oh M&S is as good as Boden”, but importantly doesn’t mention Asda George range tracksuit and a bun on top of the head (the same outfit that got a school receptionist in trouble in a deleted thread a few days ago…)

esloquehay · 19/09/2021 20:26

Please do NOT send your child to a school if your socioeconomic status is way below that of the average person there.
This happened to me (thanks to my Mother's grandiose aspirations for me) and I got bullied the shit out of (same school Kate Middleton got bullied at).

Clovacloud · 19/09/2021 20:26

My daughter has just finished private school, she was there for 16 years. I’ve worn a combination of jeans, T-shirt and converse with a jumper or jacket for every parents evening, meeting or school event throughout. We are a household of techies and don’t do ‘dressing up’.

If you want to go a smidge posher than me Grin, just have a quick look at the Boden website. That’s pretty much an easy look to emulate.

The richest Mum at our school (5 kids - that’s an unfathomable amount of money a year!) would wear jeans, an ancient cashmere jumper, and some lovely black boots. She was one of those effortlessly chic women, who always looked amazing.

Just relax and enjoy it, remember no one is better than you. Hope you have a good visit.

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