To dress completely differently for private school visit?

[Criesoverspiltgin]

We’re visiting a private school for my child. It’s likely that they will gain some kind of bursary to attend as they’re pretty bright, but I REALLY don’t want to look like the ‘poor family’ on the open day. And if I do, what the hell do I wear?
AIBU to fake our usual attire?

What is it that you normally dress in that you think looks like you can’t afford it?

DC go to a private school. I wear the sort of mum uniform of jeans and Breton stripes most days but I thought this was pretty ubiquitous at all types of school. At drop off there are a lot of people in very casual clothes as they then go on for a run or go home and change into work clothes.

The only thing I can think of that I would notice and might make me think something is the type of men’s shoes and I’m thinking particularly when men wear work style shoes with jeans and a shirt - particularly shiny, -and kind of pointy ones..

After that it’s all swapped and bartered between friends/siblings/year groups. Not only is it incredibly expensive to keep buying new, but also terribly wasteful as well.
Also this.

I read a MN conversation a while back about school uniform and people were saying (mostly state schools) that they always buy new and would be ashamed not to. It’s the complete opposite at our school and people take pride in recycling clothes as much as they can.

I would just go smart casual. Nice jeans , boots and a shirt perhaps. To be honest I'd never turn up scruffy even for parents evening at my DCs comprehensive.

@thewhatsit I'm class rep and one of the most popular questions from the new parents this year was "do we really Need everything on the kit list and where do I get secondhand uniform".
It was hilarious at the prep school, some of the little girls in kilts that were down to their ankles as Mum had bought one with plenty of growing room. We bought DD's kilt in yr 3 - she's now just gone into yr7 and there's still plenty of growing room ! It may have cost £80 but actually represents excellent value for money as I just move the buttons as she grows. We should get 5 years out of it and it's exceptionally hard-wearing.

TBH I’d dress the same for any school visit (I’ve done private school interviews with the head) - clean and tidy, smart casual. No heavy make-up or OTT fake nails, not that I’d have those anyway.

@Embroidery

You do need advice. Dont go as you are.

Im not the one to give it though, as I dont know, but I know enough to know that 'they' will never tell.
Its a secret code.

Unless you were planning on a leather mini skirt, fishers and stripper heels (which would not be appropriate for any school open day) ignore this.

With 100 odd replies saying pretty much the same thing - jeans, trainers and a plain top where is the secret code?

OK probably not red high tops, ripped jeans with more rips than jeans and a vest top (though I wear all these to pick ups/drop offs) but there is no secret dress code other than a bit dull and samey. Understated. That's probably the right way to think.

MIL is posher than the queen and old money. You'd never know to look at her - but when she opens her mouth... no secret there.

My experience of small town/semi rural private schools is most mums wear "walking" casual on a daily basis. Jeans, t-shirts or shirts, boots. They drop the kids off, then take the dogs out. For open days, they just add a jacket . No make-up, or false nails. Most drive Range Rovers with dogs, lots of dogs in the back, or Mini's. You don't see the one's that work, as they drop off early and head off swiftly.

Everyone buys second hand uniform, we couldn't keep up the supply. People left their names to get hold of blazers in certain sizes. Those not in the know bought new in year 7, and then felt cheated, sold all their stuff, and only ever bought second hand again. Everyone gets really grumpy when they update the uniform so you have no choice but to buy new.

As for bullying, I was bulled in a state school for being "nice". Many years ago, and I hope it would be better now, but my parents had to take me out and put me in private, with the help of grandparents, as I was beaten up by not very nice girls. The headmasters advice being that I needed to toughen up to be able to live in the real world .

@BigWoollyJumpers

My experience of small town/semi rural private schools is most mums wear "walking" casual on a daily basis. Jeans, t-shirts or shirts, boots. They drop the kids off, then take the dogs out. For open days, they just add a jacket . No make-up, or false nails. Most drive Range Rovers with dogs, lots of dogs in the back, or Mini's. You don't see the one's that work, as they drop off early and head off swiftly.

Everyone buys second hand uniform, we couldn't keep up the supply. People left their names to get hold of blazers in certain sizes. Those not in the know bought new in year 7, and then felt cheated, sold all their stuff, and only ever bought second hand again. Everyone gets really grumpy when they update the uniform so you have no choice but to buy new.

Agree with this. Everyone at mine drives a Range Rover.

That's the most noticeable "code". That and you'd be more obviously noticeable for being overdressed rather than under.

And absolutely to second hand uniform. It tends to built to last for years and years and everyone either gets stuff second hand from other parents or from the second hand uniform shop.

DD had a sleepover after school recently and trying to pair the correct uniform with the right child the day after was entertaining as not one of them had their names sewn in/stuck in - it was the name of another child (Y6 now and the parents have largely given up)

Why do people talk about “private schools” as if they’re all one and the same?

What kind of school is this OP? Is it some cosy prep in a rural location? I have kids in independent schools but I would be like a fish out of water in that environment! Or are you looking at one of the urban superselectives which are highly international and the idea of a ‘dress code’ would be bizarre?

Also, schools don’t just dish out bursaries according to how you look or behave on an open day . Surely there’s a competitive exam process to get through first? His scores in that will determine his bursary - not your outfit!

*No make-up
*
But does that include no Botox, micro blading, etc? Or naturally fresh faced?

Oops bold fail

My daughter has just started at a private school after we transferred her from a state academy due to bullying issues.

Weirdly enough she was mainly bullied at state school for having too expensive a back pack ( had to downgrade to a bag from New Look ) being spotted being dropped at school in our E Class ( we have it because it has awesome boot space for camping holidays and was cheaper to lease than the Nissan X Trail we leased previously ) ) and living in the slightly posher part of town.

She has not had any derogatory comments or experienced any class/wealth related bullying about anything so far at the private school. It's a very kind and gentle environment.

I wear exactly the same clothes to visit her new private school as I did for visiting her state school. I didn't notice that I looked any different from the parents at the old school and I don't think I look much different to the ones at the new school.

The biggest difference is the quality of the cars to be honest. And they all seem to be shinier than mine because I never clean it.

@Merryoldgoat

I work in a private school. Things we’ve seen:

Parent dropping off in a swimming costume in their way to a friend’s for a swim. Literally in the front seat in a costume and nothing else.

Parents dressed head to to toe in Lycra pre/post gym.

Parents dripping with diamonds in very old clothes.

A parent is likely to be dressed in m&s as boden. In fact a mum and I were in the same m&s dress the other day.

Just go as you - you’ll be fine.

My DCs are in a private school and I can say that people really wear anything. I dress in supermarket clothes (and in a sort of answer to a completely different thread my car is a 16 year old Ford ka). I think if you looked absolutely threadbare it would be inappropriate... but clean is fine.

When we have some sort of event DH will wear chinos, shirt and nice jumper. I am really embarrassed about my weight right now and so will wear skinny jeans because my legs are relatively good and an oversized 'nice' top of some sort. I always make sure my hair and makeup is done though because I am self conscious about my size.

Sunglasses on top of head acting as Alice band

My son was in the state system throughout but I wear my sunglasses exactly like that - and have a draw of Breton tops. Glad I could have managed the "uniform" if ds had gone to private school.

Please please don't! Just wear whatever feels like a normal outfit for you. If you're this intimidated by the school give some thought to whether this is a good idea or not. You don't want five / seven years of feeling like you're not good enough.

@Shannith definitely the big 4 at ours - Range Rover or similar SUV/Audi/Mercedes/Volvo

@talismaniac

Why do people talk about “private schools” as if they’re all one and the same?

What kind of school is this OP? Is it some cosy prep in a rural location? I have kids in independent schools but I would be like a fish out of water in that environment! Or are you looking at one of the urban superselectives which are highly international and the idea of a ‘dress code’ would be bizarre?

Also, schools don’t just dish out bursaries according to how you look or behave on an open day . Surely there’s a competitive exam process to get through first? His scores in that will determine his bursary - not your outfit!

I think the OP is well aware of how a bursary is awarded and that it will not be awarded on her sartorial choices. However she is clearly not feeling entirely au fait with what she should wear and has come seeking advice and reassurance. There's no need to be snooty at her for asking.

This hits the nail on the head;
'Please please don't! Just wear whatever feels like a normal outfit for you. If you're this intimidated by the school give some thought to whether this is a good idea or not. You don't want five / seven years of feeling like you're not good enough.'
If you find attending the open day stressful then its not the place for you - you will be sweating over all kinds of things. We went to a school open day and felt we did not fit in at all as a family. Its about 'finding your tribe'.

DS goes to private school and we recently went to an open day afternoon tea there, it ranged from men wearing suits and ties to farmers rocking up in their work gear, the women also had everything from jeans on to floaty dresses and work out gear.

The farmer apparently owns half of the county and is v v rich. You'd not know it from looking at him.

Just go in what you feel comfortable in.

Jeans, T shirt and jumper or jacket. Just be comfortable. Would suggest flat-ish shoes if it's a large campus because you might end up walking miles!

I often (sadly) look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards at pick up. On those days I try not to get out of the car .....

@thewhatsit LOL the classic Jeans and Sheuxs combo that is literally the only thing that brings out the snob in me- men wearing shoes that are too dressy for the rest of their outfit. The rule for men is that if your shirt doesn't have buttons and a collar, and /or if you are wearing jeans or shorts, you should be wearing trainers or very, very casual shoes- maybe boat shoes in the summer or casual boots in the winter. Getting this wrong makes you look like a clueless dork, at best, or a Jeremy Clarkson-esque tasteless boor, at worst.

Wroxie oh no I can't stand boat shoes, men wearing trainers is equally bad.

Nope you would look like an American at our school wearing trainers and totally lost (we are landlocked) wearing boat shoes. For an open day men at our school wear leather oxford brogue type shoes. Pick up times wellies, crocs, walking boats, steel toe capped boots etc.