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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending 43k savings on a wedding.

364 replies

Cosmos123 · 19/09/2021 06:59

I know a couple who are spending 43k (all savings) on a wedding yet have no where to live.
He is a 1st year nursing student on a bursary she is looking for work as a nursery nurse.
They are currently looking for 1 bed flat with a budget of £500pcm as that is all they can afford on his bursary. For which they have asked myself to be a guarantor.
Yet they are have an expensive wedding in 6 weeks.

I did discuss to them about spending less and perhaps the money as a deposit on a property further down the line. They seem to agree then bang this is what they decided.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 19/09/2021 10:24

Don't act as a guarantor. They are financially incompetent, and you'll very likely end up with the bill.

tintodeverano2 · 19/09/2021 10:24

Do not be their guarantor!!! You will end up with massive bills methinks.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 19/09/2021 10:25

Seems pretty silly of them to me but it's up to them...their money. I'm sure they will look back and think "we shouldn't have spent 43k on our wedding and bought a house instead" but that's for them to discover.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/09/2021 10:26

That is absolutely insane, all that money on ONE DAY. Mine only cost 1K and it was a beautiful day.
Only a lunatic would spend all that money on a wedding and not the deposit on their own place.
Absolutely do not act as their guarantor - they sound completely irresponsible and you could be paying out for them.
Its about time all this fairytale wedding stuff was abolished for a simple ceremony and then maybe people would get married for the right reasons.
Imagine if they got divorced in a year!!!!

onlychildhamster · 19/09/2021 10:27

@MargosKaftan 43k for 300 people means £143 per person. I think a lot of people would give £143 as a wedding gift particularly if they are family so they would cover their costs . DH and I gave £500 as a wedding gift for his sister and were in our 20s even though we were buying property at that time.

OP didn't say how many people they are, but if you are spending 43k on 100 people, there is no way to recoup even half of the costs unless the guests are exceedingly rich and generous!

Original poster
Cosmos123 · 19/09/2021 10:31

@JinglingHellsBells

So as the Mum to one of them, *@Cosmos123*, you have let them go as far as this wedding (in 6 weeks) without saying much at all?

And they have only realised so late in the day that they can't afford anywhere to live except on a very limited budget.

For adults of 29 and 30, that shows immaturity but also you as a parent have actually colluded with it because you must have allowed them to live rent-free for over 10 years.

In all of that time, did it never come up in conversation where they would live when they married and how they would pay for it?

Want to reiterate I'm not a parent of either. I do think that allowing the pair to live rent free has encouraged blow it now and we can easily save it up again attitude though.

Also an observation. They conversations have been along the lines
We need to have this or otherwise people will think..
We need to have this...
We don't want to look cheap...
Sometimes there are those who are not well off but more paranoid about looking well off they get themselves into debt.

So ultimately don't help themselves in the long run.

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 19/09/2021 10:33

@onlychildhamster - see, this is the point i guess - everyone is assuming its a standard "british" style wedding with around 60-80 guests, which is an insane budget. But if they have say, 400 people attending, then there's only so simple you can go and still have a room big enough for each person to sit down and feed them, and easily could spend that sort of money.

It is tough for a generation caught between being expected to still put on the big wedding but also expected now to fund it themselves.

The OP hasn't answered if that's the case though - its very very different if this is a 50 guest wedding and they've just decided to hire a castle.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 19/09/2021 10:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TidyDancer · 19/09/2021 10:34

I mean, as much as I agree it's their money and they can do what they want with it, it's monumentally stupid for them to piss it up the wall like this when they are in a precarious financially situation otherwise. And to go on to ask to borrow money and get a guarantor on top of that....it's surprising no one in their life has said something.

bobandhisburgers · 19/09/2021 10:37

Maybe they can't get a mortgage at the moment or for a good few years?!

I get the feeling you're related to one of them so I think it's very unkind to deny them moving to a new home just because you don't like the way they have spent their own savings. They are clearly able to save up a substantial amount, so will be able to do it again when they need to.

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/09/2021 10:37

See, for an old git like me (I'm 63), this is grist to my 'ranting about people spending a fortune on weddings and then moaning that they can't get on the property ladder' mill.

My weddings both cost less than £500 but then I hate being the centre of attention AND wasting money on ONE DAY.

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/09/2021 10:38

Is this guarantor for renting a flat a new thing? Because it's the first time I've heard of it.

onlychildhamster · 19/09/2021 10:38

@MargosKaftan my cousin's and relatives all had big weddings and made money from their weddings... It is not guaranteed of course and depends on how close the family is. I am not having a big wedding for that reason, can't take the stress of not knowing! But if you are in a culture where this is the done thing, even stingy people would be pressured to give more. In my culture, some people in the older generation expect a cut of the wedding gifts and even records down who gives what so older people do give more cos they know they will recoup the monies for their own children's wedding.

onlychildhamster · 19/09/2021 10:39

@VickyEadieofThigh I only ever heard it for students!

devildeepbluesea · 19/09/2021 10:39

Never ceases to amaze me, the amount of responses you get on MN like, "It's none of your business".

Not usually no, but that wouldn't stop one from having an opinion.

And OP has been asked to be guarantor. It very much is their business.

FWIW I think that's bloody insane. I'd begrudge spending that much even if I had £££££ in the bank.

Notaroadrunner · 19/09/2021 10:39

They are complete idiots. You would be an idiot to be a guarantor but glad to see you have the sense to say no. Dont even give them a maybe, or tell them you'll think about it. It needs to be a straight out No.

MzHz · 19/09/2021 10:41

The craziest thing would be for you to act as their guarantor.

Yes they are out and out idiots, but that doesn’t mean you fuck your own life up being saddled by their financial stupidity.

They could have stumped up a years rent in advance…

Naunet · 19/09/2021 10:42

@bobandhisburgers

Maybe they can't get a mortgage at the moment or for a good few years?!

I get the feeling you're related to one of them so I think it's very unkind to deny them moving to a new home just because you don't like the way they have spent their own savings. They are clearly able to save up a substantial amount, so will be able to do it again when they need to.

WTF?!! They have 43k in the bank, OP isn’t denying them anything, they’re doing that to themselves. And no, there is no guarantee they’ll be able to save up that amount again seeing as they’ll now have to pay rent and bills for the first time in their spoilt little lives.
Notaroadrunner · 19/09/2021 10:45

@bobandhisburgers

Maybe they can't get a mortgage at the moment or for a good few years?!

I get the feeling you're related to one of them so I think it's very unkind to deny them moving to a new home just because you don't like the way they have spent their own savings. They are clearly able to save up a substantial amount, so will be able to do it again when they need to.

Are you for real? It's not op's responsibility to enable them to move into a new home, it's theirs. She's not denying them anything. They are denying themselves the chance to set up home together by wasting their money on a day out.
MrsMariaReynolds · 19/09/2021 10:46

Whilst I commend their maturity to be able to put so much money away at their age, they clearly haven't given any consideration to long term investments. I certainly wouldn't be plonking down 40 grand on a wedding, or anything for that matter, apart from a home.

Heh--their money, their choice. But I wouldn't be supporting that choice.

RaspberrySchnapps · 19/09/2021 10:47

they're all fur coat and no knickers.

Assuming you are one of the parents, allowing DC to live rent free for so long means they are affording this wedding on your dime, oblivious to their living costs means it is your business. Giving our DC a way to save for their future is great given the housing market, but its a massive smack in the face for them to use that generosity as a means to spaff their savings on something so grandiose and fleeting. And to ask for £3K more for a honeymoon shows just how little they appreciate that their years of living a cushy life rent free has afforded them the chance to do this at all. Cheeky fuckers. They're quite old but its time for some straight talk about the financial facts of life.

An expensive wedding is fine when you are financially secure enough that the cost doesn't affect anything else but for a young couple just starting out married life in a £500 a month rental property its insane.

Don't be guarantor, it will get very messy when it all goes wrong. And if neither of them have the sense to put the brakes on the other with this foolishness and are more focused on the pizazz of a wedding day than the actual marriage there is a high chance it will all go wrong.

ejhhhhh · 19/09/2021 10:47

I mean it's mad isn't it? Anyone with any sense can see this is not a good use of money, and that with time they will probably regret it. But, it is their money, and there's nothing you can about how they spend it. It does show they haven't got a very mature, responsible attitude to money though, so pigs would fly before I'd act as a guarantor for them. I wouldn't even explain why you're unwilling, as if they feel pressured to change their plans, they're still rubbish with money to be considering spending all their savings on a wedding when they can't afford to find somewhere to live without help. I'd just refuse to be a guarantor and leave it at that.

LemonSwan · 19/09/2021 10:48

They live in an area where they can rent for 500pcm. Jees they really fucked this. I would guess at those rents that would have been a third of a deposit on good 3 bed semi.

Poor souls. And thats not sarcastic. I really do feel sorry for them. They have been failed by each other, and by their parents.

52andblue · 19/09/2021 10:48

It is a situation that could have been avoided.
The parent who allowed them to live rent free could have charged them rent and put it in a savings account, OR made it conditional they did so.
Someone should have sat them down and said: 'it doesn't matter how your Wedding Day looks to other people, what matters is the foundations of your marriage. When poverty comes in the front door, love flies out the window (I think? Orwell?) anyway, sound financial foundations matter more than music / flowers / food for a Day'

But this didn't happen.
I don't think lending them £3K for a honeymoon would help them at all.
They are better to make hard choices now, so they start to £ mature.

meadowbleu · 19/09/2021 10:49

Maybe it was wrong for me to be judgemental in their decisions to spend so much on one day as it is their money and their choice after all

It's fine to be neutral about how they spend their money up to the point they ask you to lend more and to guarantee their rent.

I do think that allowing the pair to live rent free has encouraged blow it now and we can easily save it up again attitude though

Because they lived rent free with their parents they think they're going to keep going through life rent free? otherwise how do they anticipate being able to save at that level ever again, especially when they're both currently jobless?

As for looking cheap and everyone else expecting? the wedding I'm involved in has less than a quarter of their budget and that's with two high earners who own their own home already. It's also going to be a very tasteful and enjoyable day.