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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 19:24

I don’t get anyone inviting themselves to anyone’s
home though - I think it’s incredibly rude and pushy

iloveruby · 18/09/2021 19:25

@rozziie yes I would be surprised if my boyfriend wasn't happy for me to join him a few hours earlier than planned (assuming it wouldn't be massively changing the dynamic).

I'm assuming it is a pretty informal group of people, why wouldn't he want her there?

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 19:25

All those who think it’s off. Say you’d a planned night with your mates and your bf wanted to tag along uninvited would you all just say, oh ok. Wherever I go you go honeypie

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 19:26

@EspressoDoubleShot

All those who think it’s off. Say you’d a planned night with your mates and your bf wanted to tag along uninvited would you all just say, oh ok. Wherever I go you go honeypie
Definitely not! Bit clingy
icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 19:27

However, in this instance - if I'd asked to join an informal gathering of friends I would be a bit surprised if I was told no.

What gives you the right to invite yourself along to someone else's social gathering?

Cactuscupcake · 18/09/2021 19:27

Anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence would realise that saying no to you like that would be pretty humiliating.

No matter why he didn’t want you there, you’d think he’d have got over it to spare your feelings. Especially in a relatively new relationship.

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 19:28

If this was a woman posting her partner invited himself out with her & pals you’d all be warning about
Controlling
Red flags
Possessive

iloveruby · 18/09/2021 19:28

@EspressoDoubleShot yes, that is a good point!

I think the fact that other girlfriends are there (I'm assuming these are not friends with the OPs boyfriend independently) is why I would be surprised if he wasn't keen for me to be there as well.

Obviously if it was a group of solely his friends then his girlfriends presence would change the dynamic but I don't think that is the case.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2021 19:28

[quote iloveruby]@rozziie yes I would be surprised if my boyfriend wasn't happy for me to join him a few hours earlier than planned (assuming it wouldn't be massively changing the dynamic).

I'm assuming it is a pretty informal group of people, why wouldn't he want her there?[/quote]
Becayse he’s with his mates snd he’s only known her four months, it’s ok to spend time with your mates without someone you’ve only recently started dating there.

Christ I’ve been with my husband 32 years, I don’t always want him to tag along when I’m with my mates.

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 19:28

My concern if you don’t admit that you aren’t the cool girlfriend you pretend to be is that it is actually dishonest. If you are anxious, he has the right to know

Twillow · 18/09/2021 19:29

Why don't you just say, at an appropriate time, that you felt a bit left out that he said don't come over?

BlackberryMuncher · 18/09/2021 19:29

I'd be wondering why he didn't want me there... he should have suggested it when you said your night was coming to an end. You weren't wrong to suggest it, he was weird to say 'no'. It was a mixed group & some girlfriends, so not like it was lads only poker night! I'd tell him not to bother coming over.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2021 19:30

@Twillow

Why don't you just say, at an appropriate time, that you felt a bit left out that he said don't come over?
And watch him run for the hills. I know I would.
icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 19:31

@BlackberryMuncher

I'd be wondering why he didn't want me there... he should have suggested it when you said your night was coming to an end. You weren't wrong to suggest it, he was weird to say 'no'. It was a mixed group & some girlfriends, so not like it was lads only poker night! I'd tell him not to bother coming over.
Why should he have suggested it, though - why can't he just enjoy some time with his mates?
LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 19:31

And after four months it does seem a bit clingy. He had the opportunity to invite you, he didn’t (and in fact has no obligation to do so).

iloveruby · 18/09/2021 19:33

@Bluntness100

But they've not been married 32 years! This is meant to be the exciting, flush of a new relationship!

Plus, my understanding isn't that it is just a group of his friends - it includes their girlfriends as well.

Of course the OPs boyfriend is perfectly within his rights to have said no, but if that had happened to me I would be wondering how into me his really was.

Coffeepot72 · 18/09/2021 19:37

So if 4 months is considered a bit too soon to ask to join a social gathering - at what point WOULD it be ok? I can’t wait to hear from all the cool girls …

MaxNormal · 18/09/2021 19:37

I'd have been really upset and hurt at that stage of the relationship, to the point where I'd probably re-evaulate seeing the person. Not saying that's what you should do, just me.

slashlover · 18/09/2021 19:39

[quote iloveruby]@Bluntness100

But they've not been married 32 years! This is meant to be the exciting, flush of a new relationship!

Plus, my understanding isn't that it is just a group of his friends - it includes their girlfriends as well.

Of course the OPs boyfriend is perfectly within his rights to have said no, but if that had happened to me I would be wondering how into me his really was.[/quote]
How many times have people posted on here that their friend got a boyfriend and she's always with him? OP and her BF were together yesterday, earlier today and tomorrow so almost the entire weekend. OP also says that they spend a lot of Saturdays together, it's healthy that he's spending some time with his mates.

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 18/09/2021 19:39

If I was out with my girlfriends, I’d agree that it could seem a bit odd for my DH to just turn up but;

  1. The friends are at DP’s home rather than a random venue and,
  2. OP said ‘his friends plus their girlfriends’ were there enjoying the evening, in which case, it seems a bit fishy that he doesn’t want OP there?

I definitely have more friends than DH and if it was late in the evening, I’d be perfectly happy for DH to come and join us.

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 19:39

@Coffeepot72

So if 4 months is considered a bit too soon to ask to join a social gathering - at what point WOULD it be ok? I can’t wait to hear from all the cool girls …
As a previous ‘cool girl’, there IS no appropriate time. If someone doesn’t invite you, and you ask, how much do you think they want you there?

I genuinely don’t get why people do this

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 19:40

@MaxNormal

I'd have been really upset and hurt at that stage of the relationship, to the point where I'd probably re-evaulate seeing the person. Not saying that's what you should do, just me.
And after four months they should be able to see their friends without being joined at the hip
icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 19:41

@Coffeepot72

So if 4 months is considered a bit too soon to ask to join a social gathering - at what point WOULD it be ok? I can’t wait to hear from all the cool girls …
I'm definitely not a "cool girl" but surely you wait to be invited?

I don't understand why some people think it's okay to invite themselves along to other peoples' social events? It's a bit...pushy.

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 19:41

I have a friendship group of men & women, my friends not dp. I don’t invite dp when we go out

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 19:43

@icedcoffees I thought I was alone in this!

It’s like when people aren’t invited to a party or something and posters say ‘just ask, they might say no but it’s worth a try’. Errrrr no, they either feel awkward saying no or feel an obligation to say yes.