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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:
Holskey · 18/09/2021 18:57

I think at 4 months, at no notice, I'd give him a pass. Only you know if your relationship is at the stage where you should be meeting his friends, but even if you are at that stage, that might not be how he'd like it to happen, and that's fair enough. If tou do want to meet his friends, you can absolutely ask about arranging something.

I can understand why you're embarrassed: you like him, put yourself out there and you feel rejected. But have a word with yourself; it's no big deal in and of itself. If everything else is good, forget about this.

Staryflight445 · 18/09/2021 18:57

Yeah I’d certainly not want him round at mine until I’d thought it through.

I know you’re saying it’s not a booty call, but it kind of is.

oystersandcrackers · 18/09/2021 18:58

@MLMbotsno

What on earth is 'cool girl persona'.
www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/13306276-gone-girl
Stompythedinosaur · 18/09/2021 18:58

I wouldn't like that either op, and I don't consider myself to be massively hard work as a partner. I wouldn't appreciate not being welcome at a get together but being expected to wait up at home until he is ready to hang out with you. It is a bit denigrating.

I do plenty of things separately from my dp, but I cannot imagine him hosting a mixed gender get together that I wasn't welcome at, particularly if he knew I was alone and wanted to come. I expect him to both want to see me and care about my feelings.

Cluelessbeetroot · 18/09/2021 18:58

@Chloemol

Well now you know what he thinks do t you

And I would be telling him not to worry about seeing me later it’s not going to happen

I think this is a bit over the top. Perhaps the crowd he’s with had a bit too much to drink, being a bit annoying and he wanted to spare you the bother ? Perhaps he wanted to finish with them sooner rather than later so he can come and see you ?
MrsLargeEmbodied · 18/09/2021 19:00

the plans for tomorrow, do they need to be from your place?

ManifestDestinee · 18/09/2021 19:02

@kurtney

You weren't unreasonable to ask but he wasn't unreasonable to say no either.

Just forget about it, although I would wonder why you're so anxious over such a small thing.

This exactly.
LadyLolaRuben · 18/09/2021 19:03

Make sure you get the spare key off him.

Coffeepot72 · 18/09/2021 19:04

If you’ve been together four months, I’d be wondering why he didn’t want you there …

icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 19:06

@Coffeepot72

If you’ve been together four months, I’d be wondering why he didn’t want you there …
Because he wanted some time with his friends?

You don't have to invite your boyfriend/girlfriend to everything you do!

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2021 19:06

You’ve only known each other four months. He was having a night aith his mates, I really don’t know what your friend was thinking, if he wanted you there he’d have said that on his text, not see you later. If I’m out wirh my mates I don’t always want my husband turn up and there is nothing wrong with someone you’ve only known four months sayin no.

Your mate was talking like you were in some serious stable relationship not someone you only met a few weeks ago.

Chikapu · 18/09/2021 19:07

I would just think he didn't want to change the dynamic of his get together with his friends. I think you asking if you could go round because your friends absolutely insisted you should is a little weird, use your own judgement in future.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 19:07

I think the friend is trying to shit stir tbh

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2021 19:07

@Coffeepot72

If you’ve been together four months, I’d be wondering why he didn’t want you there …
Seriously? Do you have a partner? Do you feel they need to be there when you’re with your mates? How very odd.
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2021 19:09

They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

They are right. It is. But this man isn’t your partner. He’s a long way from being your partner, he’s someone you’ve been dating a four months.

iloveruby · 18/09/2021 19:12

It was completely reasonable to have asked and if I received a response like that I would assume the relationship didn't have much longevity and that he was just not that into me.

Four months into a relationship should be when you still want to spend as much time as possible together surely?!

BrisbaneandGone · 18/09/2021 19:14

@iloveruby

It was completely reasonable to have asked and if I received a response like that I would assume the relationship didn't have much longevity and that he was just not that into me.

Four months into a relationship should be when you still want to spend as much time as possible together surely?!

She'd been with him the day before, he's coming tonight and she'll see him tomorrow. He's allowed to spend time with his friends
Dalooah · 18/09/2021 19:16

I think it's all in how he's interpreted your message. Maybe he thought you were trying to save him the inconvenience of coming to yours later?
However, still think it's odd. He should have asked you to come to his, even if it was left open 'up to you, but I'm still happy to come to yours later' ?

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2021 19:16

@iloveruby

It was completely reasonable to have asked and if I received a response like that I would assume the relationship didn't have much longevity and that he was just not that into me.

Four months into a relationship should be when you still want to spend as much time as possible together surely?!

Wow. Some of these responses are so needy.
icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 19:17

Four months into a relationship should be when you still want to spend as much time as possible together surely?!

Well, in some respects, but that doesn't mean you need to live in each other's pockets.

It's healthy to maintain a separate friendship circle and social life when you get into a relationship/start dating someone.

iloveruby · 18/09/2021 19:18

@BrisbaneandGone of course he is allowed to spend time with friends (and is a sign of a healthy relationship).

However, in this instance - if I'd asked to join an informal gathering of friends I would be a bit surprised if I was told no.

Of course my reaction is inherently right - but in my experience that response doesn't bode well.

Rozziie · 18/09/2021 19:22

[quote iloveruby]@BrisbaneandGone of course he is allowed to spend time with friends (and is a sign of a healthy relationship).

However, in this instance - if I'd asked to join an informal gathering of friends I would be a bit surprised if I was told no.

Of course my reaction is inherently right - but in my experience that response doesn't bode well.[/quote]
You'd be surprised if you invited yourself somewhere you hadn't been invited to and were told no?

Seriously?

neveradullmoment99 · 18/09/2021 19:22

He didn't want you there.
I would be pissed off.
I think its off.

TheNinny · 18/09/2021 19:23

If the plans for the next day were from your place, he was probably saving you a trip over his to then journey back with him in an hour or so. Maybe there wasn’t much point in being introduced to everyone at the end of the evening when it’s be hurried. I wouldn’t end anything over this but definitely watch to see if it’s a trend or something

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 19:23

It’s for him to invite you, not for you to invite yourself. You seem concerned that there were women there, perhaps he thought you might make things a bit tense.

Four months is no time at all. If you aren’t cool about it, then find someone who is of the same mindset as you , don’t pretend to be the ‘cool girlfriend’ as he has the right to know that you are anxious, it’s fairer to both of you