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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:
iloveruby · 18/09/2021 19:43

People keep referring to a "social event" like the gathering has been meticulously planned and organised - but I'm viewing it as an informal gathering which is why I don't think joining at the last minute is odd.

Bimblybomeyelash · 18/09/2021 19:44

I hate ‘games’. I think that you were perfectly reasonable to suggest it, as long as you were happy with a no. Because I think he’s perfectly reasonable to say no. And it doesn’t have to mean that he doesn’t like you, or doesn’t want you to meet his friends.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 19:44

@iloveruby

People keep referring to a "social event" like the gathering has been meticulously planned and organised - but I'm viewing it as an informal gathering which is why I don't think joining at the last minute is odd.
"let's get back to mine then" event😁
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2021 19:45

[quote iloveruby]@Bluntness100

But they've not been married 32 years! This is meant to be the exciting, flush of a new relationship!

Plus, my understanding isn't that it is just a group of his friends - it includes their girlfriends as well.

Of course the OPs boyfriend is perfectly within his rights to have said no, but if that had happened to me I would be wondering how into me his really was.[/quote]
Um, I also wanted time with my mates one week in one year in ten years in the lot.

Thr point is this is a new relationship. He’s allowed time with his mates. And I’ve no idea why she’s calling him her partner at this stage either

It’s fine to ask, although personally I wouldn’t have, but it’s also fine and wholly understandable for him to say no,

notacooldad · 18/09/2021 19:48

I think it was ok to ask and him to answer the way he did tbh.
My follow up reyvwould have ok, no worries, I'll catch you later.
His evening was already set up with a group of friends.

If he always kept you separate that's different but I wouldn't be upset in this case tbh.

shivermetimbers77 · 18/09/2021 19:49

Did he just say ‘no’ OP? Or did he give a bit more detail in his message? ‘No’ is pretty rude (in my opinion), but ‘Not really worth you coming over here, as everyone’s a bit drunk and it’s finishing up soon anyway. Looking forward to seeing you at yours later” would be completely different.

iloveruby · 18/09/2021 19:50

@Bluntness100 I agree it is perfectly fine for him to say no! But, if I was in OPs shoes I would be unhappy with that response however, I have very clear expectations about what I want from a relationship and i know I'm certainly not a "cool girlfriend" Wink

The OP needs to decide whether that response changes any of her expectations about the relationship.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 19:51

I don't like the term "coold girlfriend/wife". It's always used in a proper derogatory way here. I would rather be called a cunt than that.

HannaHanna · 18/09/2021 19:51

Since he had already said it was going to be a long night, they were obviously already well into the party. You showing up and meeting everyone for the first time when they were already half in the bag would likely not have been fun for you.
I was with long time friends last night and by an hour into it we were being downright ridiculous. I wouldn’t have told anyone to come on over at that point.

Genevie82 · 18/09/2021 19:53

Hi OP... why don’t you just talk to him about it? You don’t need to look clingy just say out of interest how come you didn’t fancy me coming over ... he may had been looking forward to seeing you later as planned and you suggesting you turn up unexpectedly simply threw him - he may have felt abit anxious too about being with you around all his friends for the first time and not sure how to introduce you.
Or
It may be that he sees your situation as casual and doesn’t want you cramping his style.
Or
He may just have thought he would spare you coming over to his after seeing your friends in a blokey pragmatic way, not thinking you might feel rejected.
4 months is early but also it’s the time to have some sort of chat about how you feel about each other sincerely - especially if you’re anxious, don’t bother with all that playing it cool stuff, if you like someone just be yourself xxx

icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 19:53

@iloveruby

People keep referring to a "social event" like the gathering has been meticulously planned and organised - but I'm viewing it as an informal gathering which is why I don't think joining at the last minute is odd.
It doesn't matter what it is, it's still not acceptable to just invite yourself to join in!
EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 20:01

Doesn’t matter if it’s wine & Netflix or canapés on the terrace op isn’t invited.

makingababy · 18/09/2021 20:02

How did you actually ask him?

Asking whether you “should” come over is pretty passive. He could have read your text as if it would be an inconvenience for you, etc.

If you wanted to join you should have said “I’d like to come join you, is that ok?” That might have received a different response.

starfishmummy · 18/09/2021 20:02

Nothing wrong with having time with friends, but as you are seeing him later anyway, it seems strange to me.

I'm older - maybe I'm wiser too, but I agree with the pp who said There is a reason he wants to keep you away from his friends. You need to find out what it is

Coffeepot72 · 18/09/2021 20:04

@starfishmummy I agree. I have been married for 30 years and it sounds a bit odd to me

GreenestValley · 18/09/2021 20:09

If you’d already met them loads I’d get your suggestion.

Because you haven’t you’re basically asking to be introduced to all of them, right this second. He might have felt it was sprung on him a bit and he’d like to organise that at a time that feels right.

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:09

There is a reason he wants to keep you away from his friends. You need to find out what it is

Perhaps he wants his own life still, thinks he is with someone fairly laid back and doesn’t realise that her friends are pulling her strings

Coffeepot72 · 18/09/2021 20:11

Why do we tip toe around men and insist everything is done at their pace? The 1950s have been and gone

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:11

If you wanted to join you should have said “I’d like to come join you, is that ok?” That might have received a different response.

Please don’t do this unless you want to be the ‘clingy’ girlfriend

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:12

@Coffeepot72

Why do we tip toe around men and insist everything is done at their pace? The 1950s have been and gone
It’s not about men or women, it’s just spectacularly rude to invite yourself anywhere and risks making you look pushy.
Coffeepot72 · 18/09/2021 20:14

@LukeEvansWife if you’ve been together 4 months then I don’t think it makes you look pushy

toocold54 · 18/09/2021 20:15

You weren't unreasonable to ask but he wasn't unreasonable to say no either.

Absolutely this!

Ignore some posters on here that think you should be tied to him 24/7.
He probably hasn’t given it a second thought so I would try not to overthink things.
I’m sure there’ll be plenty of times when you see his friends together but he just wanted some time with just them which is fine.

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:16

It really does! It doesn’t matter about the circumstances, if you are discussing something with someone and they say ‘can I come’ it’s rude

GreenestValley · 18/09/2021 20:16

@Coffeepot72

Why do we tip toe around men and insist everything is done at their pace? The 1950s have been and gone
Relationships are about compromise. Just because you are now an ‘official’ doesn’t give you carte blanche to dictate your partner’s life, whatever gender you are.
Coffeepot72 · 18/09/2021 20:17

I’m a bit older so maybe I am old fashioned. But when I met DH, I set my stall out very early on, I made it clear I wasn’t going to be dangled. 30 years on, we’re still very happy