Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:
Tal45 · 18/09/2021 17:59

I'm just wondering why he wouldn't want you to come, he'd obviously spent some time with his friends already. Maybe he felt having you there would change the dynamic, he'd feel like he had to introduce you to everyone and feel obliged to make sure you were ok etc.

I would ask him him straight out, you're only going to be wondering otherwise. I'd just say something like 'was there a particular reason you didn't want me to come to yours earlier?' I can't cope with pretending to be cool and not care all the time and if that's needy then so be it.

WorraLiberty · 18/09/2021 18:00

Maybe his friends have had a few too many to drink and he doesn't think tonight is the right time to introduce you. Or maybe they're doing recreational drugs and he doesn't think you'd approve. Or maybe (as PPs have said), he just wants to chill with his friends.

Either way, neither of you have done anything wrong here.

PenguinLove1 · 18/09/2021 18:01

I think from his perspective he had two options -

  • let you join his gathering, he then doesnt have an excuse for it to end shortly and it lasts longer than he wants, or you are stuck with his friend all night, or the place is a mess after his party and he would need to clean up
  • or he says no, has a reason to end his gathering later and heads over to a clean house for one on one time with you and no housemates

Makes perfect sense to me that the second option is best!

Kuachui · 18/09/2021 18:03

Tbh id be a bit put out if my partner didn't want me round there because his friends were there

TSSDNCOP · 18/09/2021 18:06

@PenguinLove1 you beat me to it.

Nocutenamesleft · 18/09/2021 18:10

I’ve been married many years

I often tell my husband it’s a night out for me alone. I don’t do them often enough. But once every few months or so. I go out for a night out with friends.

We’re still married.

darklindor · 18/09/2021 18:12

A lot depends on what time it is where you are OP, but PenguinLove has it about right I think.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/09/2021 18:12

If he is still dropping by later it is fine.
He is sticking to the plan.
Echoing pps you're probably his escape from the party route.

Freddiefox · 18/09/2021 18:17

Are you a cool girl though? Why give of the persona of being a cool girl if that’s not you?

You don’t have to be a cool girl.

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 18/09/2021 18:18

I don’t think you asking was unreasonable and he was not unreasonable to say no. You don’t have to do everything together, be your own person. At least you’ll have stuff to talk about when you do meet up later. Honestly, let it go.

CaptSkippy · 18/09/2021 18:18

@Nocutenamesleft

I’ve been married many years

I often tell my husband it’s a night out for me alone. I don’t do them often enough. But once every few months or so. I go out for a night out with friends.

We’re still married.

But your situation is very different from OP's. You have been married for many years and were probably dating for a few years before that. You would know each other friends and probably have friends in common. You also know each other well enough to know when to join in and when to leave each other alone.

But OP has only been dating for four months and she hasn't even met any of his friends yet. With new relationships people usually want to spend more time together and they will also want to meet each other's friends at this stage.

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 18:18

@Kuachui

Tbh id be a bit put out if my partner didn't want me round there because his friends were there
Why? Your partner can and should have a life that doesn’t wholly exist around you It’s healthy to have your own interests and friends. You don’t need to be glued to each other 24/7
Iflyaway · 18/09/2021 18:23

Even in a relationship one is allowed time with their friends.

he'd just see me at mine later.

Sounds like a booty call.

Original poster
darylhannah · 18/09/2021 18:24

@Iflyaway

Even in a relationship one is allowed time with their friends.

he'd just see me at mine later.

Sounds like a booty call.

It's absolutely not a booty call. We always spend the night together when I don't have my kids.
OP posts:
MiddleParking · 18/09/2021 18:33

It’s fine that this would be acceptable and normal to other people but isn’t to you; it wouldn’t be to me either. There’s a happy medium between being upbeat/not projecting anxiety onto him and just pretending to be someone you’re not.

Treacletoots · 18/09/2021 18:35

Small alarm bells for me. Yes of course he's entitled to say no, but why? You're supposed to be his girlfriend so why doesn't he want you to meet his friends after he's spent quality time with them already. What's he hiding..?

Also 'cool girl' is just someone pretending they don't care when they actually do about not being treated properly. At 30 something it's time to grow out of that and have a grown up emotionally intelligent conversation about your needs and feelings.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 18/09/2021 18:38

I read it out to my DH and he said "it's a little bit weird" then said "but they've only been seeing each other 4 months haven't they?" And I said yes but surely that's the time you want to be with your new partner all the time and having fun etc.
And DH said "it's not unreasonable she asked and it is a little bit weird that the person would say no once they had been asked, but maybe he just likes to keep things separate".

To me, it sound alike he took his mates back to do drugs or something

AryaStarkWolf · 18/09/2021 18:41

@ShaneTheThird

Ops friends didn't give bad advice. Jfc as an adult it's totally normal to ask to join in under these circumstances.
Yep totally agree, weird that he wouldn't want you there
girlmom21 · 18/09/2021 18:42

For me, I'd assume that the dynamic of the gathering if it suddenly changed from 'friendly catch up' to 'meet my new girlfriend', with you turning up halfway through the event.

I wouldn't be upset by it.

EdgeOfTheSky · 18/09/2021 18:43

Was he thinking it would be a schlepp for you to go over there, so was saying ‘don’t put yourself to all that trouble’?

Why were your friends so insistent, or havjng any view at all on whether you should go over?

Snoozer11 · 18/09/2021 18:48

@justthecat

That’s his choice but he wouldn’t be coming to mine afterwards
Mature.
5128gap · 18/09/2021 18:49

It was poor advice. He knew you were free and would have invited you if he wanted you there. There's a different dynamic when introducing a new person into an existing group and its probably not the best time to do it when the group are at the tail end of a night out together. He maybe wanted to relax with them rather than making sure you were ok/fitting in. He might also be boundary setting that you don't crash each other's nights out and have space for separate friends.
That said, he had plans with you, and it was bad to invite them all back to his when it's obvious that would change things.

MLMbotsno · 18/09/2021 18:49

What on earth is 'cool girl persona'.

Sunshinelover2 · 18/09/2021 18:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MyOtherProfile · 18/09/2021 18:56

Maybe time to just talk about meeting each others friends?

Swipe left for the next trending thread