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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:

Rewis · 18/09/2021 17:20

but a whole room full of friends couldn't understand why I was heading home and not on to his gathering, which is why I did.

Maybe your friends have a different type of relationships. Also you can say no to your friends if you disagree with them. Especially if it's avbout your relationship.

ShaneTheThird · 18/09/2021 17:22

This is such a none event. Op wasn't unreasonable asking to join and the boyfriend wasn't unreasonable to say no. At this point he probably wanted to stay a while longer and knew it would be pointless inviting op over as the night was wrapping up.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 18/09/2021 17:24

Hmmm I think it's weird tbh especially when the plan was for him to come over then he suddenly has a party and you're not invited. In a relationship so early I'd expect the honeymoon phase to be in full swing and not want to be apart!

SunbathingDragon · 18/09/2021 17:25

I don’t think either of you were being unreasonable.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 18/09/2021 17:26

Maybe there was an ex in the group, or someone he fancies. I cant think why you wouldn't want partner to stop by when you had a group of friends over with their partners. Its weird. I would ask him why he didn't want you over and watch carefully when he responds.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 18/09/2021 17:26

I don't think anyone did anything wrong.

SummerintheCity2021 · 18/09/2021 17:29

So did he come to yours later?

Original poster

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 17:30

@SummerintheCity2021

So did he come to yours later?

It's not 'later' yet! Based on what he said earlier, he'll be another hour or so.

OP posts:

Saoirse82 · 18/09/2021 17:31

No, i think he was really out of order, I'd be pissed off if I was you especially as it was a mixed group, I'd think he was a dick tbf. I can't imagine my DH in the early days behaving like this, it's not a good sign. You deserve better.

icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 17:33

Neither of you have done anything wrong.

He's allowed to want time with his friends without you there, just as you're allowed to ask to join him if you're free.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 17:34

Oh bullshit🙄 wanting a separate time isn't a bad sign. People don't have to be joined at a hip from the moment they get together.
Some people like it like that, some people like to keep some of their separate time. Both is fine, neither is wrong, UNTIL they start telling others the other way is wrong. Especially with "hmmmm"😂

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 17:38

You were too clingy wanting to barge in the friendship group.Just because you’re his gf doesn’t mean he’s glued to you or has to invite you to all meet ups. Only on mn do people have issues with men having female friends

Babyroobs · 18/09/2021 17:39

If these are people you know, then yes I would be very upset.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 17:42

@EspressoDoubleShot

I don't think op was clingy tbh. She just asked because she had time. Not unreasonable. Same like he isn't unreasonable to say no

Original poster

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 17:42

@EspressoDoubleShot

I (hopefully) didn't come across clingy. He said he gathering would go on a long while, so I had mine was wrapping up and should I just come to him rather than heading home and waiting there? And he said no.

I live in fear of seeming clingy so I really hope I didn't.

The irony is that he can be quite clingy (although it doesn't bother me)

OP posts:

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 17:42

Being someone girlfriend doesn’t mean they need to invite you 24/7
I couldn’t tolerate that level of neediness it would really hack me off
I go out with my friends without my dp, we have been together years. I have a life & interest that does require he attend everything

CaptSkippy · 18/09/2021 17:43

Well, like many PP said, it's not unreasonable for you to have asked and it's not unreasonable for him to say no either.
However, I do think it's a little weird given the situation and for how long you've been dating. I don't think 4 months is too early to be meeting a few of his friends.

I'd say ask him about the reason for saying no when you he gets to your place.

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 17:43

Typo I have a life & interest that does not require he attend everything

Dontbeme · 18/09/2021 17:44

so we always stay together on a Saturday night

Just don't get into the habit of always being the person that hosts, cooks and runs about after the other in the relationship OP, time apart with different friends is healthy and fine, being the cook, chef and bottlewasher for the other one is not. Do you take turns for which house you spend Saturday nights in or is it always yours?

Original poster

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 17:45

@Dontbeme

so we always stay together on a Saturday night

We do plenty for each other. It's fairly balanced. I don't have housemates (when my kids aren't here anyway!) so we tend to stay here. He has no kids and lives with a friend.

OP posts:

QueefofSheena · 18/09/2021 17:49

How late will it be where you are? If it’s really late it’s slipping into booty call territory. I’d be tempted to say not to bother tonight, not to be childish, but I wouldn’t want to be an on-call shag.

IAAP · 18/09/2021 17:49

So you are hosting him for free at your house. Make it 50/50 and yes you can ask but if he said no I’d rather not twiddle my thumbs waiting and just say ‘that’s fine, but in that case I’m having an early night , catch up with zoom so let’s leave it until tomorrow ‘

SwayingInTime · 18/09/2021 17:49

He basically had am impromptu party and told you not to come? I find it very odd and even offer that others don’t.

Original poster

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 17:55

@SwayingInTime

He basically had am impromptu party and told you not to come? I find it very odd and even offer that others don’t.

We're limited on the numbers of people at a gathering here, so not really a party! But he definitely had room for (at least) one more guest.

OP posts:

Plumtree391 · 18/09/2021 17:58

Please forget it, I'm sure he didn't intend it to come over as a rebuff. If he says anything just say your friends suggested it but it wasn't important.

Personally I think it would have been better to give seeing each other a miss for one night and get together the next day. It's not as if you rarely see each other and it's not good to live in each other's pockets. However, it's entirely up to you.

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