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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/09/2021 18:50

@LoisLane66

When he turned up I hope you didn't bombard him with questions or apologise for asking. I hope you simply greeted him, said nothing and waited to see if he came out with reasons/excuses, which is what people do if they feel they're actions were wrong. In that case, I would have said 'Why are you explaining, there is nothing to explain?' Guilty people like to talk about the scenario to absolve themselves of any taint of bad behaviour. I have a diploma in forensic psychology and that is what most, but not all guilty people do. They have to make sure you know they are blameless instead of just keeping quiet.
Well he did absolutely nothing wrong so he doesn't need to be treated like a suspect, does he?
LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 18:54

Fuck me, some people are hard work Grin

callmeadoctor · 19/09/2021 18:58

Looking from my viewpoint, I am married to my partner. In the situation where he may have gone out with friends for an evening. If I was late leaving somewhere he would be fine at me dropping in on him and his mates. So would the other friends if their partners had dropped in later (usually they are driving people home so quite usual to join for a drink)

LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 19:00

It’s all been sorted…

Iloveabourbon2 · 19/09/2021 19:08

@galacticpixels

Since his friends girlfriends were there, I would have expected him to invite you off his own back, and definitely wouldn't have expected him to say no.
I agree with this and @Sapphire387. To say no is a bit mean too.

Its hard to tell really you know him best OP but I don't see why you couldn't of joined especially if your not usually the type to just invite yourself.

RiverSkater · 19/09/2021 19:09

Maybe he's not ready to introduce you to his friends?

Maybe he just wants to chill with his friends which is ok.

Maybe having you there but not initially invited might have upset the vibe of the evening, also ok.

IceLace100 · 19/09/2021 19:32

I just don't think this is a big deal at all and it wouldn't have even registered to me as being an issue!

Maybe just relax a bit and see how it goes?

maria57 · 19/09/2021 20:27

Well its done now...you took notice to your friends and that was the result of asking if you should come over to his. I would have said to him ok...then I am having an early night so see you tomorrow.

Vixyboo · 19/09/2021 20:34

Slow down would be my advice. It is very early days.

Localocal · 19/09/2021 20:55

I think you are overthinking this. He wasn't ready for his worlds to collide unexpectedly and he said no, quite nicely, it sounds like. If it carries on without him introducing you to his friends then I would ask what the story is with that.

Bleachmycloths · 19/09/2021 21:36

Fuck him off. He should want to have you over. He sounds uncaring and not that much into you.

LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 21:44

The OP has sorted it now…

ColorMagicBarbie · 19/09/2021 22:07

@LukeEvansWife

The OP has sorted it now…
And? Doesn’t mean people have to immediately stop posting.
LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 22:09

No, you crack on. GrinGrinGrin

THEDEACON · 19/09/2021 23:33

Hmm I'm with your friends ! I wouldn't have had him over at mine though afterwards I'm not a cool girl vibe kind of girl though I'm a woman in my 50s who expects to be respected as other person in a couple all the time not just when it's convenient

N0tJustY0ga · 20/09/2021 01:12

@darylhannah

You should not have taken the advice of your friends. If he wanted you over, he would have said. He’s not ready to introduce you to his friends yet.

It’s only been 4 months. The cool girl vibe works, but try actually being that cool girl. Why wait around to see if he’s free. Just do your thing. If you’re free to see him, see him, if you’re not, you’re not.

Don’t make time for him, as he obviously doesn’t do that for you (which is fine, it’s still early days).

Date more than one guy….be busy with you. He’ll come running, they always do:

Anjunna · 20/09/2021 01:56

I do find it a bit odd that after 4 months of going out he hasn’t introduced you to his friends, don’t you??

WhoIsPepeSilva · 20/09/2021 02:00

At first I thought he was being unreasonable, until I saw that you had already spent a good bit of time together already and thought it's fair enough to have some time apart from each other.

In all honesty though @darylhannah I can't say that it wouldn't have put me off a bit. He's perfectly reasonable to have time alone and I don't think it's a good thing to be in each others pockets all the time but at 4 months in I agree with PP that you usually would be excited to spend time with each other.

I think the bit that makes me feel the most off about it is that you had to go home alone and wait for him.

Were you awake and waiting or had you gone to bed and he has a key? How many hours were there between your night out ending and him getting to yours at 1.30?

If his evening is going to end far later than yours why not just spend the night at his and travel to yours in the morning? Why make you wait for him? There's just something about that that just seems a bit off to me.

Can see him saying I'll come to you, we're wrapping up in about an hour anyway but otherwise I'm just not sure.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 20/09/2021 02:02

*If his evening was going to end far later than yours why didn't he stay alone at his and travel to you in the morning I mean.

BoredZelda · 20/09/2021 09:34

I think it depends what you asked. If it was “can I come over” and he said no, then it sounds a bit clingy. If it was “want me to come over there?” then it was just an offer which he could choose either way.

He might have said no because his bed need changed and the place is going to be a mess tomorrow or OP’s place is more convenient for tomorrow’s plans and better for having a relaxed day away from housemates, or all those staying were planning to crash the night and who wants to be clambering over half a dozen, hungover bodies on a Sunday morning. So many plausible reasons.

Glad there was no awkwardness. That early relationship stuff can be a bit of a minefield, but best not to over-think things.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 20/09/2021 10:45

@Anjunna

I do find it a bit odd that after 4 months of going out he hasn’t introduced you to his friends, don’t you??
I don't think it's strange, it took me longer than 4 months to be sure about my ex so I didn't want to introduce him to my friends until I was
Stilsmiling · 20/09/2021 12:52

The scenario makes a big difference.

If he and his friends were all drinking then he maybe didn’t want to introduce you to friends when he or they were drunk?

Relationships are a gamble, we have to take risks and trust people in the early days as we don’t all think in the same way. Sometimes it works out, sometimes not.

We don’t have to always want to spend time with partners, it can change the dynamic especially in the early days.

Your own instinct was to go home, your friends convinced you otherwise. Trust your own instinct, you know your relationship best.

Backwaterjunction · 20/09/2021 15:21

So you’ve been going out 16 weeks and he doesn’t want you in every aspect of his life yet? Wow, I’d have thought you’d be married and divorced by now due to the usual crap of jumping into things too quickly, but no after just over 120 days your boyfriend sticks to the plan he had all along, how dare he!!

Frazzledmummy123 · 20/09/2021 16:32

@Dervel

Hmmm just have a decent honest chat about it, but try to do it from a position of strength. My default (I’m a bloke for what that’s worth), I’d be champing at the bit to introduce my girlfriend to my friends.

However there are a few things that MIGHT make me pause:

  1. Maybe being a bit insecure if you hadn’t seen me drunk yet and actually anxious I’d botch things.
  2. Maybe a friend had made a big announcement like a divorce/break up which may have made me feel it a bit tactless to show off my new relationship.
  3. Maybe just being drunk simply not fathoming that you really wanted to go.

Anyway I hope it all pans out.

I agree with this post. I am a believer in couples spending time apart and with their friends, however I do feel given it wasn't a lads night and other partners were there, OP had a right to feel a little put out.

However, there could be a number of valid reasons why he said no including Dervel's suggestions above, all which are perfectly understandable.

Communication is key, and a chat about it without sounding needy (make it confident and matter of fact) is what is needed. If further down the line, you still haven't met his friends then having this chat will be helpful.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 24/09/2021 20:42

@Annoyedanddissapointed

I don't think something as simple as this is actually a helathy topic for MN *@darylhannah* because as long as he has a penis he is always a devil incarnate and there is some horrible motive behind everything including what milk he drinks😂

Just relax. 😁You are all allowed to have different groups and spend time with them separately. Plans sometimes change for one, but thag doesn't necessarily have to change plan for the other. Saying no also doesn't mean that someone doesn't like the other. Boundaries and independence are very important to keep.

This!!
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