To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

[darylhannah]

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

I can understand why you felt put out. It's an awkward one because it does massively change the dynamic bringing your partner along with your group of friends.

Equally, if that had happened to me, I would have said yes even if I didn't really want my partner to come. Just to save his feelings.

@crikey456

I can understand why you felt put out. It's an awkward one because it does massively change the dynamic bringing your partner along with your group of friends.

Equally, if that had happened to me, I would have said yes even if I didn't really want my partner to come. Just to save his feelings.

I think the big difference is that the other way around I'd have been thrilled to have him there, as would my friends (in fact, two friends' new partners came to the gathering I was at last night).

I'm trying not to read too much into it. He was super drunk (and he's not much of a drinker) and if I'm honest, I was subtle on asking him. I asked whether it would be more convenient to come and join them, as they were still going strong, rather than him coming to mine once he was done.

All in all, it wasn't a big deal. I think that we're just still learning about each other.

To the posters who said I need to drop the cool girl persona, I think that's definitely true and I am working on. I think this was the genesis of my friends (who also think I need to drop it!) trying to encourage me to ask whether I could go and join him.

Oh, and he is absolutely, definitely not on drugs!!

@darylhannah
So what time did he turn up at yours and is he spending the day with you, OP?

[quote DamnUserName21]@darylhannah
So what time did he turn up at yours and is he spending the day with you, OP?[/quote]
Around the time he said he would (1:30ish) and yes, we spent much of the day together.

Nice one OP! It doesn’t sound too subtle but agree to be honest with him for the sake of the relationship

@AnnoyedandDissapointed
You said that you had this situation with your DH = Dear/Darling Husband a little while ago ? ?
You told him to go and chill out ? ?
If he is your husband does he not live with you ?
You still LIKE him though ?
That's handy then I guess.

[quote notthemum]@AnnoyedandDissapointed
You said that you had this situation with your DH = Dear/Darling Husband a little while ago ? ?
You told him to go and chill out ? ?
If he is your husband does he not live with you ?
You still LIKE him though ?
That's handy then I guess.[/quote]
What?

I told him to go and chill by himself while I was still out. He ended up having a beer and watch a movie in peace.

This thread has just highlighted how truly codependent most people are. Can't cope with not being invited to a gathering of people they don't know, expecting to see their partner when they've just seen them the day before and there are plans for the day after. It's all so incredibly clingy and needy.

Don't any of you have actual lives and hobbies?

I don't think I'd be too happy. I don't live with my dp but he told me his door is always open. And when I arrived yesterday he said it was lovely to have me back.

@Rozziie

This thread has just highlighted how truly codependent most people are. Can't cope with not being invited to a gathering of people they don't know, expecting to see their partner when they've just seen them the day before and there are plans for the day after. It's all so incredibly clingy and needy.

Don't any of you have actual lives and hobbies?

Was this aimed at me? (I'm the OP).

If you read my posts, I didn't feel remotely entitled to go and in fact didn't even want to ask in the first place! I took friends' advice that it was reasonable to suggest going there rather than heading home...and then regretted it!

I did feel sad when he said no, but let's be honest, no one wants to feel unwelcome!

@romdowa

No harm in asking but I do hope you told him not to bother coming to yours later.

Why on earth would she when that was the arrangement they'd made?

OP, I’m going to go against the grain here & say I disagree with 90% of the posts here. I really feel for you and totally would have felt similarly rejected/dejected/embarrassed etc in your shoes.

I cant imagine being uncharitable enough to say ‘no’ to letting someone I clam to like/love join in with a few drinks at mine, especially when it’s a mixed-sex group and everyone’s having fun etc. What’s the harm in you joining them? I’d feel like he’d been very rude and needlessly uncharitable here, holding me at arms length for no good reason. It’s not like you were planing on turning up and bloody proposing to him in front of his friends: you prob just fancied being included in a bit of the fun and games, having a drink amd saying a casual and slightly merry “hi” to some of his crowd.
If I were him I’d’ve found it the perfect scenario to organically introduce my friends to my new gfriend, without it being a “big thing”.

Seems he feels the need to hold you away from his mixed group of friends for now. I’d be wanting to know why.

Seems he feels the need to hold you away from his mixed group of friends for now. I’d be wanting to know why. hmm

Because it’s bloody rude to ask yourself anywhere

@darylhannah No, not you. It was aimed at many of the posters on this thread who seem to feel entitled to be invited absolutely anywhere their partner is going.

It's no big deal. you haven't known him long, so he can make a few little decisions for himself I would think.

Many happily married couples are the same. Sometimes people just want to have their own space and time to chill out with other people apart from their partners. It doesn’t mean you don’t like or love them, just means you don’t have to be worrying whether your partner is okay when you just want to chat with other people.

Hmmm just have a decent honest chat about it, but try to do it from a position of strength. My default (I’m a bloke for what that’s worth), I’d be champing at the bit to introduce my girlfriend to my friends.

However there are a few things that MIGHT make me pause:

1. Maybe being a bit insecure if you hadn’t seen me drunk yet and actually anxious I’d botch things.
2. Maybe a friend had made a big announcement like a divorce/break up which may have made me feel it a bit tactless to show off my new relationship.
3. Maybe just being drunk simply not fathoming that you really wanted to go.

Anyway I hope it all pans out.

Or maybe just thinking that people inviting themselves over is bloody rude! Just because the OP’s evening finished early, she should be able to entertain herself

Tough one to comment on, sounded like a good old fashion booty call was in planned after you both had good night. Nothing wrong with that!
But fact your night ended early and I’m not sure how you asked, but it’ll it was “my nights ended early, want me to pop by? Then I’d be thinking red flags that he said no.
I wouldn’t react though, just see if he explains why as I’d explain why I said no and would be odd if you didn’t think it’s worth explaining.

They have already discussed it…. RTFT

When he turned up I hope you didn't bombard him with questions or apologise for asking. I hope you simply greeted him, said nothing and waited to see if he came out with reasons/excuses, which is what people do if they feel they're actions were wrong.
In that case, I would have said 'Why are you explaining, there is nothing to explain?' Guilty people like to talk about the scenario to absolve themselves of any taint of bad behaviour.
I have a diploma in forensic psychology and that is what most, but not all guilty people do. They have to make sure you know they are blameless instead of just keeping quiet.

@LoisLane66

When he turned up I hope you didn't bombard him with questions or apologise for asking. I hope you simply greeted him, said nothing and waited to see if he came out with reasons/excuses, which is what people do if they feel they're actions were wrong. In that case, I would have said 'Why are you explaining, there is nothing to explain?' Guilty people like to talk about the scenario to absolve themselves of any taint of bad behaviour. I have a diploma in forensic psychology and that is what most, but not all guilty people do. They have to make sure you know they are blameless instead of just keeping quiet.

Guilty about what? Why should he be feeling guilty? He's allowed time away from OP. They'd both made separate plans, it was a bit rude (but no big deal) of OP to ask to gatecrash his.

@LoisLane66

When he turned up I hope you didn't bombard him with questions or apologise for asking. I hope you simply greeted him, said nothing and waited to see if he came out with reasons/excuses, which is what people do if they feel they're actions were wrong. In that case, I would have said 'Why are you explaining, there is nothing to explain?' Guilty people like to talk about the scenario to absolve themselves of any taint of bad behaviour. I have a diploma in forensic psychology and that is what most, but not all guilty people do. They have to make sure you know they are blameless instead of just keeping quiet.

Is that a bunny boiling on your hob?

Ooooh. This keeps giving!