Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 12 13 14

Original poster

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:

RaininSummer · 19/09/2021 10:29

No need to be embarrassed about asking. I would just think that 4 months isn't that long really so maybe he wants to wait until the relationship is more established before you get entwined with his friends.

MaxNormal · 19/09/2021 10:31

I'm baffled by a lot of the responses. There's a difference between wanting to be joined at the hip 24/7 and expecting to be welcome at a casual gathering of your DPs friends. I'd personally have felt that was a fairly minimal expectation and a given.

I don't understand the obsession with not appearing "needy", it actually strikes me as quite insecure in itself, what's wrong with having needs emotionally and wanting the other person to fulfill them?

I personally went into my relationship with the expectation of being the priortity and the centre of their lives.

icedcoffees · 19/09/2021 10:31

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I must be a lot more welcoming and accomodating than you guys then. Brits do have a rep for being cliquey and difficult to make friends with...now i can see why.

At least I don't think people are taking drugs just because they don't want me to come to their house at the last minute

LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 10:31

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Of course they can but can you really imagining saying No to someone after they have asked to come? I can't.

Nor me. It would be awkward as hell. It’s shitty to put someone in the position in the first place

icedcoffees · 19/09/2021 10:33

There's nothing wrong with having needs, but expecting one person to fulfil those needs is unrealistic.

OP had seen her boyfriend during the day and had plans with him that evening, so why did she need to invite herself along to his evening with his mates on top of that? Especially when she had plans with her own friends that he wasn't invited to anyway!

LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 10:34

I personally went into my relationship with the expectation of being the priortity and the centre of their lives.

Wow.

Needy is fine if the other person is the same but if you are replying on someone else to fulfill your emotional needs then that makes you very vulnerable, and I don’t know anyone that sees neediness as a positive

LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 10:35

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I must be a lot more welcoming and accomodating than you guys then. Brits do have a rep for being cliquey and difficult to make friends with...now i can see why.

Ah so it’s because we are British? (Even though plenty of people on this site aren’t). Okay then.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 19/09/2021 10:37

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I must be a lot more welcoming and accomodating than you guys then. Brits do have a rep for being cliquey and difficult to make friends with...now i can see why.

I am not a Brot and I don't find it weird to say no

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/09/2021 10:38

Yes @JasonMomoasgirlfriend sweeping negative generalisations about entire countries aka xenophobia is ever so friendly and welcoming...

nyktipolos · 19/09/2021 10:38

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I must be a lot more welcoming and accomodating than you guys then. Brits do have a rep for being cliquey and difficult to make friends with...now i can see why.

As a non British person, I have never heard this before.

How very odd.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 19/09/2021 10:39

I personally went into my relationship with the expectation of being the priortity and the centre of their lives.

While that may work for some couples, I would be deopping partner very quickly. People are different.
Neither of us is wrong though. As I said before, everyone just needs to find correct weird to their own weird

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 19/09/2021 10:41

@icedcoffees yeah, because I have seen it happen a lot. Certain people can't come to one type of gathering because they generally descend into coke taking or whatever.
It's not an abnormal way to think when you've seen it and experienced it.

For this situation he wasn't planning a party was he? so it sounds pretty informal to me. "Hey everyone, party back at mine?" Type thing. So for me, no reason op couldn't go. 🤷

nyktipolos · 19/09/2021 10:41

I personally went into my relationship with the expectation of being the priortity and the centre of their lives.

No one person or thing should ever be the centre of someone lives. That's so incredibly unhealthy, to have everything revolve around one person only.

melj1213 · 19/09/2021 10:42

Exactly, it's weird he said no. If you were asked by the person you're dating you'd be like "yes of course, will be great for you to meet x,y,z."

I and many others don't think it's weird he said no, under the circumstances of it being late in the evening, part way through existing plans.

Would you really want to meet a friends new partner halfway through a night out? Especially if the evening so far has just been a relaxed affair with existing friends you know well, you've all had a couple of drinks, catching up etc and then late in the evening your friend wants to bring their new partner to meet you.

Introducing a new person into an existing group, regardless of who they are will change the dynamic of the event. That is not necessarily for the negative, but it still changes it and that needs to be taken into consideration. The OPs BF is not wrong for considering this and not wanting to change that dynamic with his friends on that particular evening.

If I was wanting to introduce a fairly new partner to my friends, I would want it to be in a far more controlled environment - going out for lunch with a couple of my best mates and their partners before introducing them to the wider group; or bringing them along when a few of us are going to the pub to watch a football game, so that they can get to know my friends during the game but the focus isnt solely on them etc. I wouldn't want it to be mid-night out.

My money still on drugs.

Are you this suspicious of everyone who doesn't want to drop everything and change their plans to suit you?

LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 10:43

@Annoyedanddissapointed

I personally went into my relationship with the expectation of being the priortity and the centre of their lives.

And this is why the OP shouldn’t have portrayed herself as a ‘cool girlfriend’ as it’s essentially dishonest. At least the people setting out their stall at the beginning of the relationship are being honest about what they expect. Potential partners can then decide if they are happy with that, and nobody wastes their time

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 19/09/2021 10:43

I'm just saying what a lot of my friends who have come here to study and work have told me. They've experienced it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/09/2021 10:43

[quote JasonMomoasgirlfriend]@icedcoffees yeah, because I have seen it happen a lot. Certain people can't come to one type of gathering because they generally descend into coke taking or whatever.
It's not an abnormal way to think when you've seen it and experienced it.

For this situation he wasn't planning a party was he? so it sounds pretty informal to me. "Hey everyone, party back at mine?" Type thing. So for me, no reason op couldn't go. 🤷[/quote]
For you, no reason, sure.

For others, they would say no.

That doesn't make them weird, it makes them different.

Stop calling people weird for having a different opinion on a hypothetical situation as if their response is highly unusual when loads of people on this thread have said they would do the same.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 19/09/2021 10:44

@LukeEvansWife agreed

LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 10:44

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I'm just saying what a lot of my friends who have come here to study and work have told me. They've experienced it.

If their attitude is that xenophobic, I’m not surprised

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/09/2021 10:45

My children are my priority,they are are centre of my life.
My partner is a clever,funny,thoughtful engaging man who doesn’t need me He’s with me by choice not emotional compulsion it’s not a needy relationship. It’s equal

Annoyedanddissapointed · 19/09/2021 10:45

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I'm just saying what a lot of my friends who have come here to study and work have told me. They've experienced it.

Well i came here to live and I did not. Nor did my friends. So there. Now that is the truth and should be taken as an absolute fact

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 19/09/2021 10:45

Are you this suspicious of everyone who doesn't want to drop everything and change their plans to suit you?

No not at all. But a late night unplanned party back to the guys house and op can't go. Indicated it to me based on experience!

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 19/09/2021 10:45

Well that's good @Annoyedanddissapointed :)

nyktipolos · 19/09/2021 10:47

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I'm just saying what a lot of my friends who have come here to study and work have told me. They've experienced it.

Or maybe just the people they know are cliquey?

Are you really saying your friends all mixed with a large enough number from people from all 4 countries, to know what 'British people are like'

I find it very very strange when people seem to get a kick out of talking 'British people down'. Smacks of a bit of insecurity.

LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 10:47

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I'm just saying what a lot of my friends who have come here to study and work have told me. They've experienced it.

Out of interest why did they come to Britain from whatever utopia they were living in then?

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 12 13 14

Swipe left for the next trending thread