To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

[darylhannah]

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

@youvegottenminuteslynn you can't tell me the words to use or not 🤣 if I break talk guidelines just report me 🤷

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I'm just saying what a lot of my friends who have come here to study and work have told me. They've experienced it.

And the common denominator is your friends, just saying…

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Are you this suspicious of everyone who doesn't want to drop everything and change their plans to suit you?

No not at all. But a late night unplanned party back to the guys house and op can't go. Indicated it to me based on experience!

And in my experience, part way through a late night unplanned party is not the time any of me or my friends would want to be introducing a new partner.

Why specifically do you think it is to do with drugs and not that his friends are just a bit drunk or even just that it wasn't the right time for introductions?

I am 100% certain situations don't descend into cochineal and anchored fueled orgies, anywhere nears as often as some posters on here think they do.

I wonder, who some of you have been spending time with, to think this is the the most likely situation

@LukeEvansWife To study and work not expecting folk to be so unwelcoming.

Actually also heard it from colleagues coming from England to Scotland or the west coast to east coast. They just say it is extremely difficult to make friends or be involved in groups which I find very sad.

@nyktipolos

I am 100% certain situations don't descend into cochineal and anchored fueled orgies, anywhere nears as often as some posters on here think they do.

I wonder, who some of you have been spending time with, to think this is the the most likely situation

😂😂😂

No one person or thing should ever be the centre of someone lives. That's so incredibly unhealthy, to have everything revolve around one person only.

I wonder if there's not an element of talking at cross purposes here?
I mean of course DH and I are the centre of each other's lives, now almost 15 years later I should add.
Isn't that the point of a relationship or marriage? You need to take a risk emotionally to love someone thoroughly. And yes of course if something terrible happens like they die or leave you, you'd be destroyed, because you took that risk.
But if you don't, then it's not actually a relationship and I don't see the point?

Again it doesn't mean that we're emotionally unhealthy and spend all our time joined at the hip. In fact in my case DH is away for weeks at a time. But it's the trust and knowing we are each other's priority that makes that possible.

[quote JasonMomoasgirlfriend]@LukeEvansWife To study and work not expecting folk to be so unwelcoming.

Actually also heard it from colleagues coming from England to Scotland or the west coast to east coast. They just say it is extremely difficult to make friends or be involved in groups which I find very sad.[/quote]
It’s a generalisation though. That’s like saying all European people are rude. There are four countries in the United Kingdom. We aren’t one single country, let alone one attitude

Ah, I love some casual xenophobia on a Sunday morning.

[quote JasonMomoasgirlfriend]@LukeEvansWife To study and work not expecting folk to be so unwelcoming.

Actually also heard it from colleagues coming from England to Scotland or the west coast to east coast. They just say it is extremely difficult to make friends or be involved in groups which I find very sad.[/quote]
Actually I found a Welsh colleague to be a bit of a knob so presumably that means that they all are

@melj1213 for me, people who aren't really aware just how much this kind of thing goes on. O wasn't u til I got with a bf and honestly my eyes were opened WIDE. I had never taken drugs and it was like a different world.

I didn't say it definitely is drugs, how can I? i just thinky Spidey senses are heightened after witnessing it with my ex. The only time not been welcome is when shit like that has gone on.

It seems strange to me I can't have an opinion for thinking it's drugs but others are absolutely sure it's not and it's all totally fine.

They might be right but they also could be wrong.

If you said all people of a particular race were unwelcoming and cliquey, would that be acceptable? No, thought not.

I don’t think whether drugs were involved or not is relevant. The point is that people are debating whether the OP should have invited herself round and whether the boyfriend should have invited her

I came here to sum up basically what @melj1213 said. It's clear though that posters are not reading the OPs posts properly. She clearly said they spend Saturday nights together regardless , and they're spending the day together tomorrow, yet posters are still shouting booty call.

It's not weird that he said no. The relationship is fairly new and maybe he wasn't ready for his friends and gf to mix. I agree, that it would have changed the dynamic of the night and maybe he just wanted to chill and relax with his mates without worrying about bringing new gf in the mix. With alcohol involved , that wouldn't be the best first impression.

And I disagree what others have said about being together all the time in a new relationship. I didn't with my now DH. We had a lot of our own things going on and I wouldn't even have wanted to intrude on his evening.

OP wasn't 'waiting around' at home for him either. Her night just happened to end early. Some people really love trying to make the man wrong at all costs. Even saying he's doing drugs

"Spidey senses" on MN always makes me giggle😂

[quote JasonMomoasgirlfriend]@melj1213 for me, people who aren't really aware just how much this kind of thing goes on. O wasn't u til I got with a bf and honestly my eyes were opened WIDE. I had never taken drugs and it was like a different world.

I didn't say it definitely is drugs, how can I? i just thinky Spidey senses are heightened after witnessing it with my ex. The only time not been welcome is when shit like that has gone on.

It seems strange to me I can't have an opinion for thinking it's drugs but others are absolutely sure it's not and it's all totally fine.

They might be right but they also could be wrong.[/quote]
I had the opposite though - my ex and his mates were into drugs and had a ‘more the merrier’ approach to people coming round.

And they were British

Well regardless I hope OP had a good night in the end.

@MaxNormal

No one person or thing should ever be the centre of someone lives. That's so incredibly unhealthy, to have everything revolve around one person only.

I wonder if there's not an element of talking at cross purposes here?
I mean of course DH and I are the centre of each other's lives, now almost 15 years later I should add.
Isn't that the point of a relationship or marriage? You need to take a risk emotionally to love someone thoroughly. And yes of course if something terrible happens like they die or leave you, you'd be destroyed, because you took that risk.
But if you don't, then it's not actually a relationship and I don't see the point?

Again it doesn't mean that we're emotionally unhealthy and spend all our time joined at the hip. In fact in my case DH is away for weeks at a time. But it's the trust and knowing we are each other's priority that makes that possible.

No. I don't believe that is the point of marriage.

And let's be honest, its not true. You sound like you have other things, or at least he does going on. You wouldn't be destroyed if your marriage broke up.

The truth is you would shocked, hurt, upset or even angry. But the vast majority of people move on.

The definition of a relationship is not having one person at the centre of your world. That's your definition and your expectation.

My dp is great. I love him. If he died or left, I would have to still live my life. I would be just as upset as I would be if my best friend died. Or my parents. I

Sometimes a decision needs to be made with Dp first. But more often its my kids. Sometimes it's my best friend. Or my parents that need to come first. Or my career. Dp forms a part of my life. He isn't my life and I am not his.

Couldn't think of anything more suffocating that being someone's whole focus

people who aren't really aware just how much this kind of thing goes on. O wasn't u til I got with a bf and honestly my eyes were opened WIDE. I had never taken drugs and it was like a different world.

Nope I know plenty of people who take drugs. I was unshocked when it appeared to be a regular feature at work parties. At several companies. Especially, among the men who are 50 plus and under 30. Or at certain gatherings.

Still been to loads of parties, events gatherings where there's non. More where there's non.

Tbh I think what a lot of these responses come down to is the good old fashioned MN kicking. You're not really allowed to have expectations on here in certain areas without being accused of being needy or entitled.

I would just find his response extremely unwelcoming, and in those first few months a sense of being welcomed into, and included into someone's life are really important.

But each to their own, as a couple of responses to my previous posts indicate I think there can be an element of talking at cross-purposes.

@nyktipolos by saying at the centre of my world I'm not necessarily saying to the exclusion of all else. But I certainly couldn't imagine being equally as upset at the loss of any of my friends as my DH so clearly marriages do differ.

You're not really allowed to have expectations on here in certain areas without being accused of being needy or entitled

Or… asking yourself to anything IS in fact needy and entitled and is incredibly rude

Tbh I think what a lot of these responses come down to is the good old fashioned MN kicking. You're not really allowed to have expectations on here in certain areas without being accused of being needy or entitled.

That's not what's been said at all. A decent number of people just think it's rude to invite yourself along to someone else's social gathering and have said as much.

Hmm. I think this all boils down to whether after 4 months he considers you to be his girlfriend or not?

In the circumstances I would expect a boyfriend to invite me to this sort of gathering where other girldfiends would be, IF we both considered each other to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

Perhaps he is not quite at that stage yet??

@MaxNormal

Tbh I think what a lot of these responses come down to is the good old fashioned MN kicking. You're not really allowed to have expectations on here in certain areas without being accused of being needy or entitled.

I would just find his response extremely unwelcoming, and in those first few months a sense of being welcomed into, and included into someone's life are really important.

But each to their own, as a couple of responses to my previous posts indicate I think there can be an element of talking at cross-purposes.

@nyktipolos by saying at the centre of my world I'm not necessarily saying to the exclusion of all else. But I certainly couldn't imagine being equally as upset at the loss of any of my friends as my DH so clearly marriages do differ.

No, because I don't think op was, nessecarily, wrong to ask.

But I don't think he was wrong to say no either.

You invite yourself to something, there's a chance it's a no. I also think that it's really OK, to not want your partner with you everytime you socialise.

I haven't give anyone a kicking. You can have your own expectations. But, then thinking your expectations are the definition of what a marriage or relationship is and assuming all other people think the same, is where it falls down

It is very early days at four months and for half of that we've been in lockdown (though maybe not in the op's country). I didn't realise earlier that the op has children! They are a factor in this too.

In the op's place it wouldn't have asked to go over to his and if his friends were not going home until late, would have suggested giving it a miss and getting together the next day.

It's still a new relationship.