To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

[darylhannah]

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

@Thatsplentyjack

*Because he was in the middle of a pre planned evening with his mates, and OP already had plans herself.

It's not his responsibility to entertain her just because her plans finished earlier than expected.*

🙄

I don't know why you're 🙄 at me. It's a perfectly valid viewpoint.

If I had plans with my mates and they got cancelled, I wouldn't just assume I could tag along to whatever my partner had planned instead.

IMO it's weird (and rude) to invite yourself along to someone else's gathering whether they're boyfriend or not.

He was having fun with his mates, had seen OP earlier and was planning to see her afterwards too - she really didn't need to be there or ask if she could go.

They don't need to be joined at the hip!

Any normal partner would invite their partner over if they new their night was over and they were planning on spending the night with them anyway no
Define normal
I’m not a babysitting service
It’s not my job to entertain my man if his night ended early and I’d made plans

It was poor advice. He knew you were free and would have invited you if he wanted you there. There's a different dynamic when introducing a new person into an existing group and its probably not the best time to do it when the group are at the tail end of a night out together.

That. It seems really obvious to me and I'm not sure why more people haven't said this.
His get-together has its own momentum, and suddenly turning it into something else isn't going to work. Has no-one else had evenings like that?

Someone suddenly turning up at that point (especially if most people haven't met them before) puts the brakes on things, and sometimes the evening stutters and never quite recovers.

It's nothing personal. It's just about timing.

@saraclara

It was poor advice. He knew you were free and would have invited you if he wanted you there. There's a different dynamic when introducing a new person into an existing group and its probably not the best time to do it when the group are at the tail end of a night out together.

That. It seems really obvious to me and I'm not sure why more people haven't said this.
His get-together has its own momentum, and suddenly turning it into something else isn't going to work. Has no-one else had evenings like that?

Someone suddenly turning up at that point (especially if most people haven't met them before) puts the brakes on things, and sometimes the evening stutters and never quite recovers.

It's nothing personal. It's just about timing.

Exactly.

OP's entire perspective is also super self centred.

What if people in the group have anxiety and need to prepare for meeting strangers? If I arrange to meet friends, I don't expect them to show up with someone else with no notice. That would make me really anxious. Why should this group of people have to accommodate someone else when they're already well underway with their gathering? It's not necessarily about her at all - what about what everyone else wants?

@Annoyedanddissapointed

He can still really like you but just wanted time with his frienda. Doesn't matter some girlfriend was there. That doesn't mean ALL partners must be there. I had this with my DH not so long ago. His night wrapped up, I said "no just i will meet you at home, go and chill, we are chatting shit and you would be bored of us quickly". I still like him...

I agree.

I'd happily invite my bf to a meal etc to introduce to my mates, but there are times where I wouldn't really want him turning up close to the end of the night and having to make the effort to include him and do introductions etc.

Thanks all. I didn't end up raising it as an issue and equally he didn't seem to find it an issue that I'd asked, so as many posters had said, it seemed to be a non-event.

I do feel that the other way around it would've been a no-brained that I'd ask him to come and join my friends and I, but I do accept that isn't the same for everyone.

Dear God! Your friends are idiots. You and your bf did nothing wrong.

Ditch the cool girl persona.

That's weird he said no.

I think the whole set up is weird. You partied separately then spent the night together. I wouldn't be mixing the two. But then I'm old 😂

OP,

Be wary of being a convenience if he is keeping you separate to the rest of his life.

Exactly, it's weird he said no. If you were asked by the person you're dating you'd be like "yes of course, will be great for you to meet x,y,z."

My money still on drugs.

It would’ve changed the dynamic if you’d gone - it’s a bit like why at my workplace none of us ever invite our OHs to work functions.
Don’t pretend to be a cool girl though. Be yourself

I’d probably have said for him to stay at his, so I could go to bed peacefully without being woken up by a drunken horny person.
But I’m grumpy.

@Crayfishforyou

I’d probably have said for him to stay at his, so I could go to bed peacefully without being woken up by a drunken horny person. But I’m grumpy.

Same!!!!

"change the dynamic" shouldnt be negative.
And personally if I'd been one of the guests and I'd have been welcoming to the new girl and be excited to meet her etc and be happy for my friend who is in a new relationship 🤷

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Exactly, it's weird he said no. If you were asked by the person you're dating you'd be like "yes of course, will be great for you to meet x,y,z."

My money still on drugs.

Oh, for God's sake.

People can have social lives that don't involve their partners without being on drugs

Don't be so dramatic.

Of course they can but can you really imagining saying No to someone after they have asked to come?
I can't.

And there's actually nothing dramatic about anything I said. Plenty people take drugs!

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Of course they can but can you really imagining saying No to someone after they have asked to come? I can't.

Yes, of course - quite easily, actually

I wouldn't want DH tagging along on my night out with my friends, even if some of them had their partners with them.

Just because someone asks, doesn't mean you're obligated to say yes. It's healthy for couples to have time apart and to socialise on their own without being joined at the hip.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

"change the dynamic" shouldnt be negative. And personally if I'd been one of the guests and I'd have been welcoming to the new girl and be excited to meet her etc and be happy for my friend who is in a new relationship 🤷

But this wasn't your get together and you have no idea what kind of an event it was or how it was going at that point. I've had evening with friends what someone new arriving late would have been fun, and some where it wouldn't have worked. And even moments when it would and would not have worked within the same evening.

This is so not a big deal. For all we know, when OP called the guy might have been hoping to wrap the evening up quite soon.

None of us can say what we'd have done in his place, because we weren't there.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

And there's actually nothing dramatic about anything I said. Plenty people take drugs!

Of course, but spending time apart from your partner isn't an indication of drug-taking.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Exactly, it's weird he said no. If you were asked by the person you're dating you'd be like "yes of course, will be great for you to meet x,y,x"

Except lots of people on this thread have said they wouldn't say that. And not for the reason they are keeping secrets (or taking drugs?!) just because they would like to hang out with friends separately sometimes and not change that halfway through an evening.

If you were asked, you'd say what you suggested in the bit of your post I put in bold above. Just as many people said they wouldn't say that. It doesn't make one or the other "weird", just different.

It's also a bit weird asking permission from somebody who is not the host IMO.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Of course they can but can you really imagining saying No to someone after they have asked to come? I can't.

I can. Am I weird? I didn't realise!

I must be a lot more welcoming and accomodating than you guys then.
Brits do have a rep for being cliquey and difficult to make friends with...now i can see why.