Hi all,
(warning : update is long and repetitive at points so bear with me 
)
Wanted to give you all an update as I have appreciated the support. Since my last post, I have set up cameras in the home. Our nanny is fully aware. No private areas. As I said, I have absolutely no interest in invading anyone's privacy but more so, it is just to keep an eye on my child and ensure all is well. I have been interviewing on the side but yet to find someone new. But for now this works.
I have also cut back on the almost apologetic air I carried around with me when it came to her. I tell her what I need (kindly and in a civil manner) and call it a day. She was moping around the house the first few days but I went about my business and since then she seems to have straightened up as I am no longer entertaining the moods or searing downtrodden gazes.
She did ask me about shorts in the baby room that I'd accidentally left on the cabinet and commended on how 'pretty they were'. The old me would have felt compelled to give them to her (such was our dance) but I said thank you and moved on.
I'm also halfway through my probation. Work is going well and my concentration is higher. I am also working out most mornings and am actively seeing my therapist on a weekly basis. I know it has only been a few weeks but I feel stronger and far more clear headed.
Finally, when it comes to my husband, I told him I will no longer be undermined in my own home and he will have to change his tone with me. He cannot keep bringing up the past as a way to emphasis his points as where I stand now, I do most of the child duties, I am working and I am prioritizing my health.
But old habits die hard. The other day as we were headed out, I called out from the hallway if he could please bring over the baby bag and he hollered how he was tired of me shouting and I need to stop 'treating him like this'. In a calm manner, I walked up to him and said: so how do you suggest I ask for a baby bag in the bedroom you are in while I am in the kirchen sorting out lunch for baby? Would you prefer I call you or take my hands off the stove, risk baby lunch burning, all because it pains you? He kind of stuttered and said oh he didn't mean anything by it. I then said I suggest he learn to control his emotions and stop bullying me. He didn't say anything after that. I didnt remark once while we were at lunch and he clicking through his phone due to 'urgent messages'. I left him to it. I will no longer chase this man down when it comes to seeking attention and I mean it.
I haven't made a big deal of it but have said I plan to have social meets once a week with friends and he can slot in time with put his own child to bed that night. I also let him know I was lonely and I am taking steps to ensure I am the best I can be for my child and part of that is making realistic changes and part of that is letting him be when it comes to his work and in turn I expect his respect.
He has tried to rope me into some discussions that would usually trigger me like how I don't appreciate all his 'sacrifice' but I'll tell him I do appreciate him and leave it at that. He's tried to bring up my 'behaviour' in the throes of my depression and it's no wonder I am taking it out on the nanny or wasting my time on her and in order to clear the air I need to sit down with her and 'explain myself' as this is what 'healthy' people do. This is what he would do as his sitting down with employees as ensured his success and I need to learn 
I asked where was her 'sitting down' with me when it came to snooping through my bags, when it came to loans and advances, when it came to guilt tripping me with tragic stories re her love life and family issues, when it came to he entertaining her going behind my back even after I had said no re advances, when it came to being desperately unhappy and her using those times to ask for favours? That he may believe in mollycoddling people and congratulations on his success and the admiration he achieves every hour due to his spectacular management style but as long as I treat someone well, as long as I pay somewhat they are owed, I will no longer apologise for my boundaries or apologise for suffering from depression. That my struggling with motherhood and doing it prodominatly alone is not up for debate. I hurt no-one. I dragged myself to the doctor. I tried my best. And if my experience with depression was so strenuous on him, then I can acknowledge his feelings but I'm no longer dragging myself through the mud apologizing for it every turn nor letting it define I know I am a good mother. Ok not perfect. But I am trying each and everyday to get better and his comments are not helping. At this point he backtracked and said oh he knows I am a good mother but he was only advising me. I said it is cool, let's just watch some TV. He randomly then went on to say his goals for the year had been his work family and health. That he was crushing it on on the work and family side and soon would tackle his health. I said great. The old me would have gone into a desperate plea re how much more of his time I needed. I told him I was finding therapy helpful. For whatever reason, he suddely leapt up and said he was tired of my passive aggressive trying to 'pick on him' by stating he needed therapy 
I then just told him that I was talking about what was helping me re my own goals and it isnt conducive that he relate my own experiences as irrelevant or somehow relating to him. That I am entitled to stating what is important to me as a human being without him latching on to my words and making them into something they are not. And he needs to get a grip re personalizing my life as it is not right.
Anyways to cut a very long story short, in physical terms nothing has changed. Still have the same nanny as I search for another but she is no longer carrying airs. She is doing right by my daughter but no more loans or advances. Re my husband, I don't ask for his permission for anything like I used to. I no longer rope him into discussions. I have let him be. However mentally, I feel much stronger and far calmer like there is hope out there. That one day I will get my feet solidly beneath me. When I think of my future, I see myself and my daughter and professional elevation so I can stand on my own feet. I don't know where I see my husband, I hope if he is there too but I no longer will be his martyr. And if he is not there, I know I shall not needlessly suffer because I am sufficient and I deserve better than an absent relationship.
It all came into light when my therapist asked what my ideal future was and I really thought about it without denial being part of it. The truth is my ideal future is freedom, calmness and a life where I give my child love and protection and I honor myself and learn to respect I am deserving of it.
(I told you this was a long update. Sorry for redundancy but frantically typed as really really have appreciated everything I got from this post. Now to only get confirmed in my role and hopefully learn to love myself and forgive myself)