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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

412 replies

AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 11:55

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AdifferentGoat · 20/09/2021 04:09

I also wanted to thank so many of you that gave me excellent advice and offered kindness. I needed it so much and will respond as soon as I put baby to bed. This forum has become my refuge. I honestly have no one in my life I can 'let in' to discuss these issues. Firstly I felt for the longest time that the problem was me. During my depressive periods, I had pretty bad public breakdowns and as a result I felt very ashamed and kind of isolated myself. So getting this job felt like the first 'normal' thing I had done in a while. Also my husband is one of those men who appears very understanding but truth be told, he was barely there for me when I was sick. All he does is talk about how much money he invested into my health but I don't want his money. I want him. I wished he would have held my hand and been there while I struggled. But that's a story for another time.
To lighten the mood, as requested, some examples re the 'shadow of darkness' that roams about my home. And please maybe I sound like a judgemental cow but this is one of those situations where I have NEVER taken advantage of this woman. I pay her very well and try and steer clear when she is working as to give her space. The reason she is live out in weekends is also because she stressed she wanted time with her partner/lover/oracle whoever it is. That and I wanted weekends to be family time. All of this was agreed during the interview period. I didn't lie or deceive her. However since she has been showing up in the weekends but not telling me she is home. She sneaks in around midnight and hides in the room. Why couldn't she just have told me she wants to live in during the weekend? I would have agreed and worked out a new arrangement. Instead she just slid in and hid herself while magically appearing Monday morning.
And getting to examples of other bizarre activity. She looked at me the other day and said I had a 'earnest' face. I thanked her as assumed it was a compliment. Then she followed it up with stating I was being cheap not traveling business class as subjecting my daughter to economy wasn't a good thing? What on earth?
Some days she is so incredibly delightful and as a result, I feel very grateful. Then her face suddenly changes. She won't look me in eye. Won't say hello. It's like living with a f**king tornado. Of course I don't pay her to be happy all the time but is it the end of world to say 'good morning' in the morning?? Certainly if I wish her good morning, it's not a disaster to wish it back?Another example, while unpacking the other day, she looked at some items I was putting into the closet, sighed deeply and said 'I sure wish I had that bag.' I felt a bit awkward but told her she could have it. That coupled with her pointing things out she 'wishes she had'.. Anyways I'm just venting now as truly see this woman has taken advantage of my kindness. Maybe she isn't doing it intentionally and maybe I too have been the worst when it comes to boundaries but truth is, I am new to all this and assumed a professional nanny wouldn't do random crap like invite her friend while we are moving house and then put me in a position where I have to pay her friend as thanks. I didn't ask for the extra help?? I was more than happy to unpack on my own but since the friend was already there, I felt super awkward and so I paid her.

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 20/09/2021 05:13

Yeah you do breathe down her neck. That example of telling her where to change the baby is a great one... you second guess her. Being at home and monitoring her is giving you both a huge headache.

You know you can just fire her because you don't like her, you don't have to carry out a full character assassination. You sound very difficult to work for.

Kanaloa · 20/09/2021 05:23

Well of course now that you’ve said all that stuff (calling you cheap, sneaking in at midnight, asking for your bag, playing you and husband off against each other to basically steal money) she sounds horrific.

But in your original post she didn’t sound bad, more just a personality clash, so much of the advice will naturally be based on that. You originally said your issues were her changing the baby in the playroom, arriving when you were undressed at the time she was supposed to be babysitting, and having a ‘dark energy.’

Kanaloa · 20/09/2021 05:24

But yeah, you can fire a nanny just because you don’t like her, and either way it sounds like the best option here.

Freeloadingtosser · 20/09/2021 05:56

She sounds unprofessional in her demeanour, bringing ongoing personal issues to work (other than exceptional problems) and this makes you uncomfortable in your own home.

If one is able to come to work then it is appropriate and normal to put on a polite face and greet their employer whatever their personal issues are, and discuss these in an appropriate way if needed, not walk around someones house huffing and puffing.

If your agreement is that she lives out at weekends then she shouldn't be there at weekends, other than by arrangement.

The OP has expressed this in terms of dark energy and sneaking around like a ghost but it is essentially inappropriate behaviour from an employee making her feel uncomfortable in her own home.

Perhaps your depression isn't helping but she is really putting you on edge, with tangible behaviours, not 'bad vibes' such as making personal comments, not showing a civil and professional face in the workplace and hinting at items she wants of yours. Yes, this might be to to with serious issues in her life but quite frankly, that isn't your problem to solve or tiptoe around. As long as you follow.correct practice, you don't owe her a job.

I could be wrong but now you mention the advances and hinting at wanting your stuff, it sounds quite performative, this moodiness. I reckon she thinks she's found a soft spot and is trying to keep you on edge as you're trying so hard to appease her.

As others have suggested, recruit a replacement, check the local laws and give her the appropriate amount of payment in lieu of notice. She's a bad fit, isn't doing a good job and you're well within your rights to try someone else.

Freeloadingtosser · 20/09/2021 05:58

Just seen the thing with the friend. Definitely get rid.

Ginghamize · 20/09/2021 06:29

Get rid of her. And the husband tbh

MzHz · 20/09/2021 07:08

Yeah you’re right to fire her, she’s playing you

Did you get references?

5zeds · 20/09/2021 07:25

That example of telling her where to change the baby is a great one... that isn’t a great example of breathing down her neck it’s a great it’s a great example of how difficult she makes even simple requests. FYI I don’t change nappies in living rooms, I had a changing table and do it there or in a bathroom where I could wash my hands and dispose of waste.

billy1966 · 20/09/2021 08:54

@5zeds

That example of telling her where to change the baby is a great one... that isn’t a great example of breathing down her neck it’s a great it’s a great example of how difficult she makes even simple requests. FYI I don’t change nappies in living rooms, I had a changing table and do it there or in a bathroom where I could wash my hands and dispose of waste.
I agree completely.

I never changed a baby in a living space, why would you do that when there is a designated space for the job with everything to hand.
Even more so a full nappy!

Her refusal would be enough for many.
She is difficult and refusing a clear instruction is enough to get rid IMO.

Grellbunt · 20/09/2021 09:17

Just be a bit careful on Mumsnet - not everyone here is nice and if the mood changes you might find people behave very differently. I'm not saying don't come for support but just be aware.

Stay focused on your future, you have made a plan and will stick to it.

You don't have to give everyone what they want. It's hard when you are raised to believe the best about everyone - can be a shock to realise some people just push boundaries eg asking you for your bag. That's outrageously manipulative and unprofessional.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/09/2021 10:04

The last nanny job I had a huge contract which I inwardly rolled my eyes at a bit when they produced it BUT it was the job with the fewest issues as expectations were very clear from the start. Things covered were nursery duties / leaving a room as it was found/ socialising with other people/ regular reviews as well as all the things like hours and babysitting etc.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/09/2021 10:05

** moving forward it might be a good idea to really be specific about what you want.

Zeal · 20/09/2021 10:07

Nanny sounds a nightmare. The moods and the infiltration sound horrid. Hope the severance goes ok OP. Home doesn’t sound like a home at the moment.

TreadLightly3 · 20/09/2021 10:22

@Grellbunt

Just be a bit careful on Mumsnet - not everyone here is nice and if the mood changes you might find people behave very differently. I'm not saying don't come for support but just be aware.

Stay focused on your future, you have made a plan and will stick to it.

You don't have to give everyone what they want. It's hard when you are raised to believe the best about everyone - can be a shock to realise some people just push boundaries eg asking you for your bag. That's outrageously manipulative and unprofessional.

@AdifferentGoat this is absolutely true - please trust yourself and give yourself a break. And ignore the posters who haven’t read the whole thread and/or get perverse pleasure in kicking people when they’re down (sadly lots of them here) Flowers
AdifferentGoat · 20/09/2021 11:46

Thank you everyone. It's late where I am now so will keep it brief as to not confuse. My husband just came into room earlier to tell me he was exhausted and I need to get a grip on myself. I told him I am exhausted and I am down as I have baby every night and as much as I love her and happily will do so, I am down because I cannot focus on work during the day as the lady we hired makes me feel on edge.
He went on to tell me I am not a victim and he works all the time and he is tired too. I kept trying to make him see I am not playing at tit for tat but that I genuinely just need help figuring this out. I just need him to have a little empathy and it isn't me imagining things. He thinks nanny is fine and as long as she is good with the baby, well what is the problem? And since he is the main breadwinner I should respect his job as it is what provides me with all the riches I apparently really crave? I know I make him sound awful but he wasn't always like this. But nonetheless being told how I should be grateful for all the money he provides makes me want this financial freedom. For the longest time he lectured me about not being productive and now that I am trying, suddenly my qualms aren't worthy as my job isn't as stressful as his. What am I doing and how do I get myself to a place where I gain enough strength to remove myself from this situation. And what the hell happened to the man I married?

OP posts:
AdifferentGoat · 20/09/2021 11:53

I'm so sorry that I haven't been able to thank or respond to all you lovely people that have taken time out of your own day to help me figure things out but I want you to know I appreciate every word. I have screenshot a number of responses as they gave me hope that I am not some useless wreck of a human being. I have booked an appointment for myself to see my therapist and I will try my hardest to just accept this is my current situation and in time, I will reach a place where I am stronger and can trust myself again. There are no real friends I can turn to as they all view me as someone who has an amazing life. My family is useless and far away. The light of my life is my daughter and I want so badly to just get a handle on my emotions and not lose this job. And to forgive myself for not seeing earlier that the man I married doesn't carry compassion for me and thinks my postpartum depression is yet another trick I am claiming as to avoid responsibility.

OP posts:
MzHz · 20/09/2021 11:54

You know you have to solve this situation on your own

It doesn’t affect your H so tbh, his opinion is kinda irrelevant

You know this isn’t working, so look at the terms of contract, work out how to sort this out by finding a live out nanny and see when they can start and give the other one notice

You’re going to have to waive the loan, just to get rid, and you’ll have to pay her notice but it’s money well spent because YOU will benefit

You can do this! You really can!

5zeds · 20/09/2021 11:57

The man you married was single and childless. This man is the sole provider and is freaked out by the realities of parenthood, both the impact on you and the responsibilities. Does he know about the loans, advances, and angling for presents? Does he know about her undermining your bfing? I’m aghast anyone could let their wife be fleeced in this way.Shock

However you sound very competent really just not very sure of yourself.

Step 1, find a new nanny
Step 2, sack old nanny
Step 3, enjoy peace at home and allow yourself to breath again
Step 4, pass probation and settle into new job
Step 5, consider husband and what next.

You got this.

AdifferentGoat · 20/09/2021 11:58

@MzHz

You know you have to solve this situation on your own

It doesn’t affect your H so tbh, his opinion is kinda irrelevant

You know this isn’t working, so look at the terms of contract, work out how to sort this out by finding a live out nanny and see when they can start and give the other one notice

You’re going to have to waive the loan, just to get rid, and you’ll have to pay her notice but it’s money well spent because YOU will benefit

You can do this! You really can!

Thank you. I have already reached out to various agencies about a live out nanny. I won't say another word to him nor waste energy on going around in circles. Once I find someone, I will let her go and forgive the loan. Will explain to her that I will give her all she is due as per law but it isn't working out. Till then, I'll work from home as I have and try and get my evening calls consolidated so I have better structure.
OP posts:
AdifferentGoat · 20/09/2021 12:06

@5zeds

The man you married was single and childless. This man is the sole provider and is freaked out by the realities of parenthood, both the impact on you and the responsibilities. Does he know about the loans, advances, and angling for presents? Does he know about her undermining your bfing? I’m aghast anyone could let their wife be fleeced in this way.Shock

However you sound very competent really just not very sure of yourself.

Step 1, find a new nanny
Step 2, sack old nanny
Step 3, enjoy peace at home and allow yourself to breath again
Step 4, pass probation and settle into new job
Step 5, consider husband and what next.

You got this.

He knows about the loan. He didn't think it was a big deal. When it comes to the advances, yet again he thinks she is someone in need and things it isn't sustainable however he refuses or rather hasn't had time to help me figure this out. I had sat down with her and let her know that the advances are getting a little much and from here onwards we pay her the salary she is due on the day she is due to receive this. I asked he please support me on that. However she went up to him and said she had a family emergency and he told her it's okay and advanced it yet again after I already advanced a sum!! When I told him about the gifts and what not he thinks I am a generous person and why should it bother me? And as for the breastfeeding comment, he thought it was funny and she didn't mean anything by it.
OP posts:
Freeloadingtosser · 20/09/2021 12:17

By the sounds of that, i think your husband isn't necessarily saying you're wrong, he just wants you to manage the situation and leave him out of it. Not the most supportive approach but it doesn't sound like he's obstructing you from finding someone else.

I think you just need to trust your instinct and judgement here and act on it rather than letting this continue. You've given many good reasons to do so.

It's a business relationship, if she's not suitable for you, you can sever it through the correct channels. It's not only about the childcare, she's in your house a lot which will affect your mental state if she's acting in the ways you describe. Just take the reins here, you sound more than capable of handling this. You don't need to have her behaviours confirmed by a third party, which your husband is, given his detachment. Your verdict is enough as the baby's mother and employer.

Freeloadingtosser · 20/09/2021 12:19

Cross post. Just find someone else. Both of them are undermining you and it's totally out of order that she's now going behind your back. Just present it to his as fait accompli, someone new is taking over and that's that. The contract including specifics is a good idea too.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/09/2021 12:52

Your husband really needs to get his head out from his arse/work /whatever.. Abd he à husband and partner and father, rather than just paying for stuff.

It doesn't matter how fantastic she is with your baby... YOU aren't happy with her... This is enough...

It occurs to me too, that your husbands behaviour is essentially gaslightibg what you KNOW to be the truth... That this woman isn't OK to live in your home.

Also isn't it convenient whenever an issue arises your husbabd blames you?? This is horrid. So this means he's essentially taking sides with odd nanny..

5zeds · 20/09/2021 13:02

This
Just find someone else. Both of them are undermining you and it's totally out of order that she's now going behind your back. Just present it to his as fait accompli, someone new is taking over and that's that. The contract including specifics is a good idea too.
Honestly just do it. He isn’t going to help but you aren’t a limp lettuce, you can fire a nanny and hire another one. People always underestimate women. You may not have noticed but you are already sounding better able to cope with it all. You can do this. Just try for how you want it to be.

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