Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

People love to lay into people on here

Hello OP

I am glad you found Mumsnet and that you are getting some support here. Welcome

This woman is exploiting and manipulating you. She's taking advantage of your kindness and your vulnerability in a very naked way.

It could well be the case that she has family issues and is perhaps supporting not only immediate family but an extended one. Maybe extended family in another country. This does not give her any right to disrespect and undermine you. She has taken advantage of your inexperience and, perhaps your guilt about being 'privileged' and is playing you and your husband off against each other for her own benefit.

That's the situation - and now you have seen the way through things, you can make a plan and act on it.

I think you are doing a fantastic job and should stop doubting yourself! You are stronger than you think.

Get as much support for yourself as you can - a therapist visit would be brilliant - find a replacement nanny and get rid of the current one. Settle into your job, and then tackle the h situation. One chunk at a time.

Re the firing, Take care, think everything through step by step to ensure you get a clean break. Maybe pay her to leave if you have to, so she isn't in the house working her notice.

@Grellbunt

You don't need to answer to anyone on here OP

Thank you. You have been so kind. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate the amazing insight and support. I want out of this life. Not in a dramatic falling of the roof way hahaha but I want and think I deserve happiness. For too long I let myself think I wasn't capable enough. I don't want that anymore. It will take me some time but as long as I am not burning anyone s ears off, I will continue posting. Again, thank you with all my heart ♥️

Thats fair enough. Sometimes money is not the most important thing.

Apologies if these points have been covered but are there any nurseries or childminders with temporary space for a couple of months in your area so you could say 'keep the advance payment in lieu of notice (top up to local statutory notice payment period if it is less) and today is your last day. Please take your things now'? Then start looking. It might give you the space to look without the pressure of wanting her gone.

If not, could you ask her to live out from now on, and say you don't require her overnight services any longer in the meantime while you find someone, that way at least she only there to cover your working hours?

You're absolutely right in your concerns even just from an employer's health and safety POV, what if there was a fire and you didn't know she was in the room?

I wasn't criticising you at all about the loan, fully understand shes a chancer

Sounds like youve got your plans pretty sorted though, just throwing out a couple of thoughts. Its great to see you're not doubting yourself any longer. You don't deserve to.

@Freeloadingtosser

I wasn't criticising you at all about the loan, fully understand shes a chancer

Apologies. I didn't take it as critique either. I'm just so frustrated. And angry at myself for being so weak as to still feel sorry for her. And to still be scared I'll lose my job. And furious at how I feel like I cannot just believe in myself and just rid self of her without feeling like a horrible human being and stand up to my husband in a way that he sees I am a capable person without him and be that example for my child. But yet it is the stupid self doubt that traps me. Thank you for your kind words

The nanny and your partner are gaslighting you. Be strong and make plans to live independently from them both. I really feel for you op

OP,
She is an absolutely manipulative con artist, nothing more, nothing less.

Your feelings are 100% valid and a lot of people would have had her escourted off the property.

Harden your heart to her.
I wouldn't trust her as far as I would throw her and stop discussing her with your husband, he is only concerned with how things affect him.

You are a strong woman, you have this.
Keep posting.

You are doing so well OP. Wishing you every strength.

Is it so damn unreasonable to ask a nanny to please not let baby wear a soaking diaper and to change it every several hours? Or to wash her hands after handling a dirty diaper?

This is what I mean. You possibly should have started off with stuff like this. Your op DOES sound petty because it didn’t mention any of the stuff that’s then come out down the thread, so it’s understandable that people were saying you were being unreasonable - your initial issues were really very minor, and you’ve then slipped in that she’s negligent in the baby’s care and hassling you for loans.

This nanny thinks she has a cushy gig... She's playing you and your husband off against each other. She's seen that there's a rift between the two of you and is maximising her advantage. She's in it for what she can get - and I doubt that she has your child's best interests at heart. You are definitely doing the right thing if you search for a new nanny when you are able to, and asking her to leave. I would not have a live in nanny next time as you're not benefiting from her being live in - you deal with all the child care at night from the sound of things - and it just creates an extra burden on you from being aware of an extra person being in the house.

I get the impression she thinks she knows better than you do; possibly exacerbated by what she sees as your privilege. I’m not getting the feeling that you can talk her into being the employee you need. If you don’t like confrontation then weekly performance meetings/‘catch ups’ and a hardline on personal chat as well as salary advances may make her leave of her own accord eventually.
Your child seems young from what you’ve written so the nanny’s mood swings will go unnoticed but not indefinitely. You don’t want that kind of thing happening around a small child, they don’t know how to deal with it. If she’s exhibiting depressive traits that would, in all probability, result in a doctor giving that very diagnosis then you can’t keep her around. Your kid isn’t a sticking plaster to make her fe better and it masks her awareness of her state of mind as well as her need for genuine help.

@Kanaloa

Also if I came home to my live in position to find my employer in her underwear shouting random songs and the employer then yelped and seemed really shocked to find me in the house I wouldn’t know how to either. People behave awkwardly in awkward situations.

Bullshit! It’s the OPs home FDS, if I’d been the nanny, as soon as I’d realised OP wasn’t dressed I would have apologised immediately and given her some space not stood motionless in the doorway with a blank expression. That’s just fucking weird.

It’s not weird to be shocked, especially since op says she ‘thought it was a ghost’ so yelped. Of course, in connection with the other stuff it builds a picture of an odd person, but to be shocked or not know how to react when the other person is clearly shocked too isn’t odd.

And it is the op’s home, but it’s also the nanny’s. When you hire live in staff I presume you’re aware these awkward situations may arise from time to time.

Have you considered leaving your child in a good nursery instead? Also, if you're struggling your husband needs to step up. Your well-being is more important than his job. Maybe he should cut back on his hours? Speak to his boss and come up with a new arrangement that will allow him to be more present with his family?! Family and love trumps money and career.

@AryaStarkWolf

So you gave her the day off and told her to stay out of the house for the day? I don't think you should be telling her she can't be in the house on her days off if that's where she lives. Sorry for sticking to that point obviously if it's not working out then just let her go, I just thought that particular part of the story is odd and unfair to her

Is everyone missing the point that the nanny arrived home at the time she was expected to babysit for the OP but instead quietly entered her room and pretty much hid there for an hour thereby making OP late for her dinner date? Presumably OP was looking forward to catching up with a friend given how isolated and sad she has been which nanny would have realised. To do something like that to anyone never mind a person recovering from PND, is malicious and very unhealthy. That’s someone who wants to ruin the only sliver of happiness in what is clearly a very dark world (at the moment) for OP. And OP, because she is a nice person, isn’t mad that her evening is delayed or possibly derailed entirely; no she’s just telling herself nanny is running late. Well nanny is a cow and a vindictive one at that.

@Kanaloa

It’s not weird to be shocked, especially since op says she ‘thought it was a ghost’ so yelped. Of course, in connection with the other stuff it builds a picture of an odd person, but to be shocked or not know how to react when the other person is clearly shocked too isn’t odd.

And it is the op’s home, but it’s also the nanny’s. When you hire live in staff I presume you’re aware these awkward situations may arise from time to time.

You seem to think I’m on the nanny’s side here…? Nope

@AdifferentGoat

Also, just to add. When it comes to the loan, what was I to do? I initially said no as I thought between all the advances and what not, it wasn't sustainable. This was loan worth approximately four months salary. But since I told her no, she spent the next week or so sullen, eyes red, constantly looking down at the floor. Wouldn't even say good morning. Just upset. I couldn't bear it. And you know what, covid made it worse. We eventually gave in. I was too busy with my own postpartum hell and decided I needed this woman and maybe she was suffering so why not?

What would happen if you told your husband that if he gives nanny another advance that you will sack her on the spot and to hell with the job ‘cos you’ll just go get another one thank you very much?! Mostly all this would be bravado given how you really feel just now but would it fool him?

@nannynick

She arrived ti babysit at a different time to the time you asked her to arrive? Seems very odd that she was there for an hour before you knew she was there.

She's a live in nanny. She simply arrived home and the op was unaware.

Ok ignore me. Just seen that this was a weekend and nanny not living in.

You're fine. Don't feel weak for feeling sorry for her as well as angry.

You can want the right outcome for you and your child but still feel compassion and go about it the right way, that's not weak.

Sneakiness can be a response to hardship. It reminds me a bit of a relative who was quite devious and took advantage financially of an older family member (it didn't come to light until after she had died). She could be very friendly etc too and knew how to try and win people round. She had made some terrible decisions and had some bad luck and had come to see this kind of thing as a way to survive. So yes, we were all mad as hell for the thefts etc but felt pity for her becoming that person. Doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. You're having to handle a tricky situation with an untrustworthy person, it's not easy.

Just remember her hardships (if genuine) aren't your problem beyond doing the right thing as an employer, giving appropriate notice etc (which in this case may be covered by the advances).

Just remember, you offered her a stable, live in job. If she'd had any sense, she would have realised it was a steady gig that could've put her on her feet and not ruined it by being on the make and now that you mentioned the wet nappies and not responding in the night, crap at the job.

She has caused this, not you. I know you've not been yourself lately but I think it's fair to expect a professional nanny to be aware of PND and not view it as something to take advantage of.

I've been following your thread. You need to get rid of the nanny. She is clearly making you stressed and unwell, regardless of how good a nanny she is or how well your child has bonded with her.

You can't solve any other problems or feel better until she's gone as she's taking up too much headspace. Focus on that, if it means giving up your job in the meantime so that you can look after your child then that is what you must do. You can't do your job well with this kind of stress and there will be another job when the time is right.

Use the time to focus on finding the right nanny for your family. But when you do you will have to step away to some extent and allow the nanny some space to do her job. Find someone you can trust and have confidence in so that you can focus on your job.

You seem really stressed. I wish you well. You really need to sort this asap.

OP, apologies - I've not RTFT in it's entirety but it strikes me that this nanny doesn't regard you as en employer - the inability to compose her moods, her lack of emotional control, her refusal to respect your boundaries and frankly, her manipulative behaviour after you initially turned her down for the loan.

If it wasn't for that loan, I'd be looking to terminate her contract.

As it stands, you need to set up a payment plan - it really sounds to be that she sees you as a cash cow or at the very least, she doesn't see the employer/employee relationship.

Maybe she adores your daughter, but her behaviour suggests to me that there is further trouble ahead.

I don't know what to suggest - do you have evidence of the loan? What is her employment contract?