Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

I find often if you have bad vibes about someone it can sometimes be to do with ones own difficult feelings that one has projected into them. And the experience as coming back at you as if they are the problem.

I expect you have a lot of difficult feelings towards the nanny, feelings that you aren't in touch with. For example, jealous competitive feelings towards the nanny who is taking care of your precious DD and whom your DD has bonded with.

Plus guilty feelings about it all, about wanting some time away from your child and about leaving her.

All totally normal difficult feelings and to be expected.

If you can own your own feelings rather than project into others you can move forward.

You can say yes I am upset and jealous that this other woman is here with my baby and bonding with her!

And then your rational brain can manage that and say - yes it is difficult, but on the while it is for the best because a, b and c.

Your husband is emotional negligent and abusive. As soon as the nanny situation is sorted I would be making plans to leave, fight for a good financial settlement and access for your DD. Don't let him put you down and gaslight you any longer.

You have been through a horrific situation with, what sounds like, very little practical or emotional support and you sound very vulnerable as a result. Hence the nanny taking advantage and pushing every boundary.

Please find some strength and support to move on. Sending you very unMumsnetty

The first nanny I had wasn't a good fit...she was great professionally but acted weird around me, like she knew better because I was a FTM. If I asked her to do something a certain way she'd act like she was the authority and might do it once or twice but then go back to doing it her way.

I ended the contract and found someone who works really well with us, she's really smiley and happy and great with the kids but also respectful and happy for me to say how I want things done.

Just because you say no to this nanny doesn't mean you'll be left without help, just interview a few and find one who you feel is a good match.

I find often if you have bad vibes about someone it can sometimes be to do with ones own difficult feelings that one has projected into them. And the experience as coming back at you as if they are the problem

That's as may be in some cases but here, the OP has listed lots of concrete ways in which the nanny has overstepped the professional mark so i would say her feelings seem pretty rational and justified.

Just RTFT - have you read Rebecca? I'm kind of getting a Mrs Danvers vibe! Even down to your husband minimising your POV...why is he sticking up for this woman over you??

I thought that too, georgarina !

Bollocks @Bumpsadaisie the woman has borrowed huge sums of money (quarter of a years salary!) from her employer and ISN’T doing her job which is to care for OPs baby while she works not create endless atmospheres.
In my experience if the childcare doesn’t work the rest impossible.

For someone who is always working, your husband seems to enjoy making time to belittle you and give handouts to the nanny. Tune him out as much as you can while you handle one thing at a time. You can do it. 💐

I'm going to check out the book Rebecca I had yet another tiring night but I do feel stronger. I will focus on my work for now, get through the probationary period and tune out husband. Anytime I ask for commiseration it always comes back to how I am unstable and losing the plot. And then a good hour re how exhausted he is and I don't appreciate enough for the sacrifice and all his hard work will amount to something so I need to do my part as he hired me a nanny so why do I need more? That I need to grow up so forth and so on. Even if he is right in some capacity, is it the worst thing to just offer some emotional support. I can't bear seeing friends righr about now as he shares many think I am unstable and they all care about me but the way he makes it out is as though everyone is sitting around talking about me? Yes I am not going through the best time but all I want is to be left alone and just not made to feel that my depression defines me and my displays of instability mean I am not to be trusted.
I rarely sleep at night both due to doing all nights with baby and just the cumulative affect of it as I don't feel relaxed if I had the nanny to help out. Anyway I cannot solve the world's problems in one day so I will focus on what I can now which is to get myself well, install nanny cams (she is aware I am doing this) and free myself from this golden cage. Finding someone new will take a month or so but I have mentally accepted I cannot just hone in on this woman and her moods. By the way, since my posts she has been the model employee. All smiles and being delightful. Has been cooking fantastic meals and being very helpful. It's all so confusing but I cannot ruminate on it. Last night she asked me for an item and I told her no. No explanation no reasoning. For anyone who has struggled with depression and is alone, you know first hard how hard it is to trust yourself but I will try to best of abilities to just deal with what I can right now.
Thank you everyone for all the support and insight.

@georgarina

Just RTFT - have you read Rebecca? I'm kind of getting a Mrs Danvers vibe! Even down to your husband minimising your POV...why is he sticking up for this woman over you??

He thinks I am being unfair. However each time I point out a valid issue, he states that we need her as he doesn't have time or energy to help me find someone new. Then he will mention how many single mums do it on their own and I need to grow up. That I have everything. I mention how much I helped him through struggles over the years but he says that it's different. His were valid and he got on with it and I am refusing to just put a smile on my face and am a heavy person that puts him down. However an hour or two later he will change his tune and say he loves me so much and he wants to support me but he is too busy right now and so I need to give him time. Well I have been waiting for the magical day he will have time to validate my concerns versus comparing it to himself and all the strife he has known and overcome so why don't I just 'deal' as he does.

@ChickenSchnitzel

Your husband is emotional negligent and abusive. As soon as the nanny situation is sorted I would be making plans to leave, fight for a good financial settlement and access for your DD. Don't let him put you down and gaslight you any longer.

You have been through a horrific situation with, what sounds like, very little practical or emotional support and you sound very vulnerable as a result. Hence the nanny taking advantage and pushing every boundary.

Please find some strength and support to move on. Sending you very unMumsnetty

Thank you. I started to seriously doubt myself because sometimes he is an amazing husband and father and other times, he turns on me and even if I am being quiet or just dealing with something in my head, he will tell me I am attacking him and bringing him down. I can hardly tell left from right anymore. I remember a time when I could make decisions on my own but these days it seems like I am incapable of trusting my own emotions. I start thinking maybe I am the problem and there is something fundamentally wrong with me. He put me through a lot of mental turmoil certainly when I was pregnant but each time he would say I drove him to lash out at me. Then he changes his tune and says he thinks I am wonderful and loves our family. Back and forth for years. Now I am not stating I have been a victim in everything but surely he can take my side for once and validate what I feel without making it seem like I am attacking him or searching for drama. I'm exhausted. But he provides for us, everyone seems to see him as a good man and yet here I am miserable and alone even when I technically have 'everything'

You sound in a better place. No doubt because you have been properly listened to abs your feelings validated here.

Perhaps she was being model nanny to get the item? You do need to reduce her salary to start repaying all the advances - it's the principle!!

Are you having therapy? I think you would very much benefit from a decent one to work though all of this with someone on your side.

Your husband is pretty nasty to go isn't he? Puts you down, no support, no help, invalidates your experiences and feelings.

I'm so sorry your husband is such a nasty selfish man. It seems his abuse will have exacerbated your mental health issues over time.
He is gaslighting you and alternating between love bombing and then abusive words.
You have been through so much and came through the other end albeit still a little fragile but getting stronger which is to be applauded so well done you.
Have confidence in your ability and do not let him put you down or make out you are not capable of making decisions on your own.
I wouldn't even bother voicing your dissatisfaction with the nanny to him. Deal with it on your own as much as possible and just tell him what is happening when it happens.
Also, watch the nanny, she may be behaving so lovely because she is after more money or something else.

Right. First things first.

Report your own thread and ask MN Hq to transfer it to the other place. Just to be sure. Change your password.

Next: change what you can change and that’s who you hire to help you

If the arrangements aren’t working, change them.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to do this.

Then once you have a support in place I think you will be able to better see the wood for the trees and we’re with you for the long haul. You’re not alone. You have us.

You’re an amazing mum and a strong woman

Look at all you’re achieving with the lead weight that is depression all around you.

One foot in front of the other and take it all a step and a day at a time

Little goals and achieve them before setting up the next one

Wow OP. First of all, they nanny appearing and saying “I’ve been here an hour” is utterly rude, disingenuous and bloody outrageous actually. In fact, I would go so far as to suspect she is waging some kind of psychological warfare with you.

How dare she? This is your home and your baby.

I would fire her today. She sounds creepy and untrustworthy. The lack of eye contact alone would be enough for me.

You are not obliged to pander to her weirdness. There are thousands of normal nannies who will behave normally? Not creep around like a demented phantom. Also, you are not her mother or her therapist and she needs to keep her personal issues to herself. She sounds so unprofessional is unbelievable.

Just tell her, I’m really sorry, this is not working out. Tell her you felt spooked that she didn’t tell you she had arrived - FOR AN HOUR! Wtf! Who would be ok with that? What was she actually doing?

Also, when you say you are ‘working towards financial freedom’ what does this mean? Are you planning to leave your husband?

I would tell work you have severe nanny problems. Find another one (use an emergency agency temporarily if you need to). Get shot of her. Then focus on your DH problem. One step at a time.

THE PROBLEM IS NOT YOU.

@MzHz

Right. First things first.

Report your own thread and ask MN Hq to transfer it to the other place. Just to be sure. Change your password.

Next: change what you can change and that’s who you hire to help you

If the arrangements aren’t working, change them.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to do this.

Then once you have a support in place I think you will be able to better see the wood for the trees and we’re with you for the long haul. You’re not alone. You have us.

You’re an amazing mum and a strong woman

Look at all you’re achieving with the lead weight that is depression all around you.

One foot in front of the other and take it all a step and a day at a time

Little goals and achieve them before setting up the next one

Report thread? What hv I missed?

You are getting great advice above.

My short message is this.

Your husband is a Class A selfish, abusive, manipulative PRICK.

Anyone would have MH issues living with a pig like him.

Your MH will improve away from him.

You are far stronger than you know.

Your judgement is bang on correct re the awful nanny and your awful husband.

Continue posting and planning.

OP, how long would it take the nanny to work off the advance? I think you mentioned you could afford to write it off and may have decided that for you mental health it is better just to do so. if that's your decision then fine (although she's a cheeky gobshite). Otherwise, this might give you a timeframe to work to.

Are you real? You employ someone, then decide you are going to sack them for changing a nappy in a living room, entering her place of employment (despite the fact you gave her keys and presumably want her to use them), and giving you a funny look?

Maybe try a day nursery?

@Flyingsatsuma

Are you real? You employ someone, then decide you are going to sack them for changing a nappy in a living room, entering her place of employment (despite the fact you gave her keys and presumably want her to use them), and giving you a funny look?

Maybe try a day nursery?

See THIS is what I meant, OP

The nanny is hugely manipulative, asking for presents and money in a sly way, having moods you have to tiptoe around. Not worth it get rid of her and DH.

@Freeloadingtosser

OP, how long would it take the nanny to work off the advance? I think you mentioned you could afford to write it off and may have decided that for you mental health it is better just to do so. if that's your decision then fine (although she's a cheeky gobshite). Otherwise, this might give you a timeframe to work to.

I'm willing to write off the loan. My main priority is maintaining my work and head-space. If anything I plan to tell her I will forgive loan but in return I'd like a cordial end when it comes to our working relationship. I do plan to keep her on until I find someone new I can trust. That might take a month or two but at least, I know I am not crazy. My biggest worry here is how can I handle loss of help while I maintain this job? It's not so simple to find an interim period and my daughter is very attached to me so getting her used to a new person would be hard. I have gotten such good advice here. But more than anything the support has meant the world to me. I have stopped believing in myself. I stopped thinking I could do anything on my own but now when I think about it, I have been crawling out of a dark hole entirely on my own. My husband is occasionally around to tell me how much he loves me and yes I am finding it hard re letting go of the man I thought he was but work and only work dominates his life. When I ask for just some consistency, I get the line :Every second I am not working I am with you and baby, what more do you need? Funnily he is right. But something doesn't feel right. Why be cruel and devalue my words? Why let his own insecurities and obsession with pleasing those he views above himself to take precedence over the actual reality I am struggling. He has never NOT one time attended a session with me when I was horribly sick with postpartum. I know it is frustrating. I absolutely understand. However all I ever wanted was him to just listen to me. Just one day. One day without being told 'BUT if you wrote a list or were grateful or look at me dear wife, I work alllll the damnnnnn time but I just smack a smile on my face. Do the same' And as for this nanny, I attributed her remarks when it came to my weak breast milk as her just being a professional and maybe she knew? I thought it was okay she'd message me each and every time I was down and ask for an advance. Not to mention letting me know how much she knows she is needed. My husband didn't make it easier as at any occasion he will state how much she is needed. In his defense, he means well and is trying to be cordial but it undermines me. And the strangest part of all this is, now that she sees I am clocking on to behavior (so much thanks to this board), she has been been great. Yet again leading me to doubt my feelings. Oddly enough though my husband mentioned that he sees she is manipulative with asking for me things when I am feeling low. However this was of course followed up with it's my fault for being unstable. I know some of you out there judge me but it's okay. I'm not some wretched bored individual searching to nit pick at anyone. I am jusr scared but I will not let this weaken me any longer. The lasy straw for me was her asking me to give her my hair dryer as I have two of them and why am I wasting money. Enough is enough. I know so much of this lies on me. My boundaries were f**ked up. I didn't know how to undertake reviews. I had zero confidence and relied on her advice as she was a professional. But I always paid her well. I gave her bonuses. Treated her to anything we would order. And even with the loans, I said sure. I gave her gifts. Again so much is on me. But she saw and knew first hand what I was doing through. And whenever I'd feel somewhat on my feet... She would start with the compliments and how much she adores working for me. And then when I try and tell her I'd like baby routine to follow this schedule, she gets 'vacant' in eyes and avoids me. Is it so damn unreasonable to ask a nanny to please not let baby wear a soaking diaper and to change it every several hours? Or to wash her hands after handling a dirty diaper? I know I am very frustrated right now but I am frustrated at my life and frustrated I didn't fire her the minute she told me how weak my breast milk was and it wasn't enough for my child.

And aside from the money, I treated her well. I never let her feel she was just some random employee. I was so grateful to her. I even helped her enroll in a course she needed. I let her have free reign of our house when we were away. All I asked is she let me know if she would be using the house. I even told her if she needed to stay in our house during the weekend, I was okay with it but to please let me know she had always known how much I value private family time. But like the idiot I am, I felt sorry. Would it have killed her to just say 'Hi X, Ill be staying in this weekend' instead of sneaking in and hiding.

But it seems my husband doesn't care about private family time anyway. I know I am venting like a mad man but all of this has been long coming.

You don't need to answer to anyone on here OP

Also, just to add. When it comes to the loan, what was I to do? I initially said no as I thought between all the advances and what not, it wasn't sustainable. This was loan worth approximately four months salary. But since I told her no, she spent the next week or so sullen, eyes red, constantly looking down at the floor. Wouldn't even say good morning. Just upset. I couldn't bear it. And you know what, covid made it worse. We eventually gave in. I was too busy with my own postpartum hell and decided I needed this woman and maybe she was suffering so why not?