To be sick to death of being told I look young

[Ellavaday]

I’m 30, but get mistaken for much younger pretty much daily. I’ve recently started a new job and meeting different people which likely adds to it.
It’s always the same, “So, do you live at home with your parents?”
“So are you at college/uni?”
Then when I tell them my situation and age, “You look soo young! You look like you’re just out of school(etc).”

I didn’t mind it at first but it’s getting on my nerves now, it’s every single person I meet. Also the way they’re acting as if 30 is ancient. I’m sure people will say to enjoy it while it lasts and that I’m lucky, and I get that, but it’s just too much sometimes.

The next thing is that I constantly get referred to as cute and adorable. My partner works in a pub and has some female colleagues who are 20-22.
I’ve never spoken to any of them beyond a hi and ordering a drink, but They’ve apparently said to him ‘She’s soo cute/she’s adorable!”
If they’d said kind/friendly/nice etc ok, but it just feels like something you’d say to a puppy or a baby.

There was some concert coming up in which it was techno/drum and bass sort of music. My boyfriend mentioned it to this female colleague and then said he’d invited me too, and apparently she went ‘Oh wow, I can’t really imagine her liking that sort of music’ and laughed.

So because you’ve seen me for all of 10 seconds in a bar you know all of my music tastes? It’s not the first time I’ve heard that, just because I’m quiet and don’t drink etc people ‘can’t imagine me’ liking rap/hip hop/metal etc.
Just such a weird thing to say.

Rant over, does anyone else get this? I know there’s worse stuff in the world but it does irritate me now.

Christ there are a few particularly nasty posters on this thread aren't there!

Yes, my relative said she knows people are thinking she is super young when they start up with the darlings and sweethearts. Amongst more patronising comments but that comes up a lot.

You'll appreciate it when you're older but my daughter who is 28 and can look 16 was selling her flat in London and noone took her seriously. She got seriously annoyed!!

I get it. I have a friend who went wedding dress shopping and got treated like a child bride. She was 33. When she’s out with the baby she gave birth to age 35 people can’t believe she’s the mum/think she was a teen mum (no disrespect to any intended). I think she’d much prefer to look 40.

It's funny how on MN there are hordes of women who supposedly look sooo much younger than they are, yet IRL I've never met anyone who doesn't look their age, give or take a few years.

AngelDelight28
I've often thought that.
I know a couple of people who genuinely do look much younger, though usually that's if they're in particular clothing as well. Unlike the dozens of posters on here, the people I know have the occasional awkward encounter and get on with life.
If you believe some of the unbelievably youthful posters on here you could be forgiven for believing that some people go through life with strangers commenting on their youthful beauty on a daily basis, not a day goes by where people are astounded by their actual age, their age vs appearance is a regular topic of conversation, and it's a horrible affliction that obviously all the other women must be super jealous of.

@AngelDelight28

I’ve said exactly this but apparently it is ‘so so arrogant’ and it’s just because I’m an old haggard person.

Nothing to do with the fact that in my experience 35 year olds don’t look like teenagers.

Although having read some of the updates perhaps it’s to do with people’s specific ideas about age.

It would never occur to be to be ‘reverent’ or ‘deferential’ to a colleague because they were in their 40s and I was in my 20s, so I would simply not be mortified to discover they were older than I thought and I certainly wouldn’t worry I’d been obnoxious to them. I’ve always worked with people from 16-60s and treat them all the same unless they were very senior to me. If they’re my direct colleagues I see them as my equals. If they’re an apprentice/new I would be more helpful regardless of age and that’s about it.

But people don’t think you’re youthful and attractive, they think you’re inexperienced and incapable. Imagine trying to get taken seriously at a job interview or medical appointment. Of course perceived age shouldn’t matter but it does. In a professional setting it’s not a compliment to have 10-15 years taken off your career.

I think interpreting the posts as people talking about their "youthful beauty" is the problem. The vast majority, if not all, of the posters talking about their experiences with looking younger aren't equating it with beauty in the slightest.

I said this upthread but I don't know why looking young is linked with beauty.
Many teens and 20 somethings are not attractive physically so if someone happens to look that age then surely they are not necessarily attractive either?

Clive James said he didn’t think anyone was truly beautiful until they were at least 30. Know exactly what he meant.

@AngelDelight28

It's funny how on MN there are hordes of women who supposedly look sooo much younger than they are, yet IRL I've never met anyone who doesn't look their age, give or take a few years.

How do you know how old random strangers are?

I get you op - I’m nearly 40 now but had my dc in my 20’s AND look quite young...I was told constantly that I looked too young to have 3dc. It stopped for a bit but has started again now as my dd has just started secondary school and I’ve met lots of new people! I feel better about it now than I did when I was younger - back then it always felt a little like it was loaded with all sorts of assumptions. I could never quite work out whether they thought I was older and had a good skincare routine or I was a very young mum. I suspect it will catch up with me eventually- my mum is very lined in her early 70’s.

@Kanaloa

Although having read some of the updates perhaps it’s to do with people’s specific ideas about age.

It would never occur to be to be ‘reverent’ or ‘deferential’ to a colleague because they were in their 40s and I was in my 20s, so I would simply not be mortified to discover they were older than I thought and I certainly wouldn’t worry I’d been obnoxious to them. I’ve always worked with people from 16-60s and treat them all the same unless they were very senior to me. If they’re my direct colleagues I see them as my equals. If they’re an apprentice/new I would be more helpful regardless of age and that’s about it.

Yes, I'm not surprised. You're one of those people who think they know it all despite having very little life experience. I'm sure a lot of people find you very obnoxious.

I think most people understand that there is usually an expectation of respect when talking to people older than yourself. As someone closer to 40 than 30, I don't really appreciate flirty banter and 'slagging' from men who are nearly young enough to be my sons. It's not appropriate, especially at work. That dynamic might be OK if I were actually around their age, and their peer, but I'm not.

Erm ok. I don’t do flirty banter or slagging with colleagues my own age. The age of the colleague wouldn’t be the issue for me there whether they were 24 or 64. So perhaps that’s the issue, I’m appropriately polite and friendly with all my colleagues, but I’m not reverent or deferential to them at any point.

My DD gets this sometimes, she frequently gets told she needs to return to her lesson. She is 24 and works in a school.
She finds it amusing.

@Kanaloa

Erm ok. I don’t do flirty banter or slagging with colleagues my own age. The age of the colleague wouldn’t be the issue for me there whether they were 24 or 64. So perhaps that’s the issue, I’m appropriately polite and friendly with all my colleagues, but I’m not reverent or deferential to them at any point.

It's not just banter and slagging. It's also the way you might give advice to someone, for example. What might be appropriate to say to a 20-year-old could be massively patronising for a 60-year-old.

I remember my 40-year-old colleague (before I realised her age) having a really bad shift one night and me being all 'oh some people are just idiots, you'll get used to it, I also used to get upset', thinking I was the one who had more experience on the job. Of course that was extremely obnoxious given she was nearly 20 years my senior and had been working in hospitality almost as long as I'd been alive! What's a normal/supportive comment to someone who is your own age/life stage can be very patronising to someone older.

A lot of people in their twenties seem to be under the impression their opinion holds as much weight as anyone else's, in any situation, and doesn't. I think you SHOULD defer to people who are more experienced/older regarding things they're likely to know better than you. Over confidence and arrogance are really offputting.

Ah, okay. Well we’ll need to agree to disagree then. I think people should be taken as they are, and I don’t believe I should be deferential to people because they’re older than I am. I also don’t expect a younger colleague to be deferential to me.

It appears we have really different ideas on age altogether. Perhaps that’s why you’ve had such a hard time with people presuming you’re younger than you are, because you’ve been expecting a deferential attitude that you haven’t received. For me, I would expect to be treated as an equal colleague anyway, so if someone was being patronising or condescending I would deal with the behaviour and not presume it was based on age.

@Kanaloa

Ah, okay. Well we’ll need to agree to disagree then. I think people should be taken as they are, and I don’t believe I should be deferential to people because they’re older than I am. I also don’t expect a younger colleague to be deferential to me.

It appears we have really different ideas on age altogether. Perhaps that’s why you’ve had such a hard time with people presuming you’re younger than you are, because you’ve been expecting a deferential attitude that you haven’t received. For me, I would expect to be treated as an equal colleague anyway, so if someone was being patronising or condescending I would deal with the behaviour and not presume it was based on age.

No, not deferential - respectful.

For example, I was at a training course and during one of the breaks, a man on my table was asking me what my plans were for the weekend, if I was going to get smashed, etc. Basically talking to me as if I were around his age (22ish) and then jokingly saying I was boring because I wasn't going out. I wouldn't have been bothered by that at 22, but I definitely was at almost 35 and I don't think he'd have talked to me like that if he'd realised how old I was, either. I think he was angling for an invite to hang out since he was staying in London for the weekend, thinking I'd be going out clubbing with my mates or something. He wasn't rude, but he was over familiar in a way that made me feel quite uncomfortable.

I'm definitely not alone in this, as several posters on the thread have referenced the same issues. I definitely think your behaviour here has been somewhat obnoxious - telling people much older than yourself what they have and haven't experienced based on your limited experience of the world. A lot of people don't appreciate that kind of misplaced confidence in someone so young. The brain doesn't finish developing until 25 and most people change and grow enormously between 20 and 30 so yes I would expect a level of humility and recognition that they don't know it all.

Okay. As I said, happy to disagree in this case as we have such different opinions.

I don't understand why if someone says something that suggests they think you're younger, you can't just set them straight. Its very easy. I look younger than my age too but if it causes misunderstanding than I just tell the person how old i am. No need for all this angst surely? I think rather than worrying that your youthful appearance causes disrespect, its surely more pertinent to be concerned that people think its ok to treat young people disrespectfully.

@Kanaloa

Okay. As I said, happy to disagree in this case as we have such different opinions.

I think there was a very narrow window for your opinion to be considered valid. Too old and you're jealous and bitter, too young and your brain is not sufficiently developed to understand.

@5128gap

Possibly 😂 I think I’m in the ‘obnoxiously not reverent’ window.

@LargeYorkshirePuddingAndGravy

You sound like you have issues concerning your partners female work colleagues. I'd deal with those first and then everything else might not bother you as much.

I'll second that