to think there must be something wrong with me that I can't seem to meet somebody?

[Ratatwat]

I'm a young (late 20s) healthy and fit woman. I have many hobbies, don't want to say too much as could be outing I suppose (long time reader first time poster) but they are very active. I guess I can say I'm running a marathon in a couple of weeks and it's not my first, I have a high powered job making more than twice the UK median salary and I own a flat in Zone 2 London (mortgaged) and a car. I actively volunteer and am part of several other organisation/group type things.

All my family is overseas so I am very independent, but I have a fabulous group of friends. If they are busy, I travel alone with my pet or go somewhere abroad to run a race myself but travel in groups with them (prepandemic) so am hardly sitting around waiting for a man.

But I've also put a lot of effort into trying to meet someone. I've asked to be set up, and gone the few times friends have set me up on dates. I've been on the apps for years with horrible, awful results. I even tried speed dating recently (also bloody awful). I don't just mean that I felt the men weren't good-looking enough for me or something shallow like under 6ft tall, I mean they were unable to make a conversation for even 4 minutes, barely spoke English so we just couldn't communicate, vastly age inappropriate despite the event parameters, extraordinarily unfit (so incompatible lifestyles), etc. I even asked out a colleague (would be inappropriate except he said he's leaving the job now) who is the only person who I've met in person and found attractive and know to be employed etc but although he said an enthusiastic yes at first when I tried to get a specific time/day out of him he's backed off. I don't get it.

Obviously, many people have had bad experiences online, but most of mine have been exceptionally bad. I mean, racial abuse and an actual sexual assault. So I have given up that. My last ex of about a year was a setup from a friend and what you'd all call a cocklodger, and an emotionally abusive one at that. He abruptly dumped me in a very abusive way on the day the rumours of the lockdown started (he called his mum to get him while I was out of the flat!).

I don't think I deserved any of that! I'm a very caring person in addition to being very 'together'. My only 'drawback' is that I have depression, but it is well managed. I see a private consultant (at high cost) and take my medication and do exercise, eat well, sleep regularly, etc and it doesn't really inhibit anything. Obviously, I sound negative right now, but I'm not a particularly negative person. I'm considered a pretty funny (somewhat dry) person.

I really don't know what else I'm meant to do at this point. I am happy to spend time by myself, but I am getting lonely now. I do a lot of things, as I said, work and volunteering and hobbies, but since the pandemic my social life hasn't returned to normal. I am reaching out to friends but the coupled up ones have retreated into their couples and are only spending time with each other or travelling together, and I'm excluded. We don't go to the theatre anymore. Even my running club doesn't meet regularly anymore. I used to be out almost 5 nights a week, out more often than not, now I'm often home alone on a given night and I recently did a domestic weeklong holiday (I know, this isn't a 'staycation') and I ended up going myself because I couldn't get a friend to come. Later I found out online that the very day I left this UK beauty spot, a group of my slightly older and coupled up friends went to the exact same place. They knew I was going there alone and not by choice and didn't even tell me. I would have loved to go with them, or even just meet that day as I left and they came for dinner or something, but no. I was so hurt.

Sorry this is so long. I just feel like honestly, when I open up to people about this in real life they tell me I have so much going for me. I objectively have a great job and am a high achiever, I am fairly attractive and fit, I am 'successful' and interesting, I'm independent and not looking for someone to take care of me and have no kids and don't need anyone's money or anything. I just want someone to go away with me for the weekend, go out for dinner after work, maybe even cheer me on at the finish line and hold my jacket. Is that really unattainable?

Is there something I'm not trying that I should be?

I know it's long, I don't want to drip feed.

OP I was you, a few years ago! Almost entirely the same, except my family live in the Uk and luckily for me this was pre-pandemic.

You are doing nothing wrong! It’s just luck! You have standards, which is great, as it means you won’t end up in a dead end relationship that’s not going anywhere. I was in your position for 3 years and then DH just turned up. It wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do, just pure luck.

Your time will come! In the meantime try to get a new time-consuming and mind-consuming goal so you’re not too focussed on being single. Best of luck to you, I know how difficult and lonely it can be!

I don’t think it’s that unusual, in London people tend to settle in their 30s, plus you lost a yr to covid. You have to just date and date and date- unfortunately you probably have to use the apps a little, but I wouldn’t chat for long on them and quickly meet people in person. My friend started doing breakfast dates so she could bail quickly and was a great way to see if a real life attraction rather than waste time.

You sound great! It must be really frustrating.

Just to throw some really picky things out there that you may not have thought of that I can see have been a barrier for other people...I know a lot of these may seem basic but just incase you're not aware of them...

Do you expect quick replys from texts?
Do you take care of your hair?
Do you take care of your teeth? And finger nails?
Are you going for men that are as or more successful than you? (I guess you may come across intimidating to someone who's not as successful and independent as you)
How good are you at conversation?...you mentioned them not being able to make conversation with you, can you make conversation with them?
Good at listening as well as initiating conversation?
How do you dress?

Sorry if none of these are relevant to you.

A few things that strike me, beyond saying that I think the last 18 months have been a very weird and tricky time for social interaction:

Firstly I'm very sorry to hear you had a horrible experience with your ex and with online dating.

I wonder whether even subconsciously you have an emotional wall up as a result?

Secondly you say you have a fab group of friends, but they are ditching you on holidays and you're lonely, are they really that fab? Any idea why they are leaving you out?

Finally, and I hope this doesn't upset you, your opening para sounded a bit... Robotic to me.

I guess I can say I'm running a marathon in a couple of weeks and it's not my first, I have a high powered job making more than twice the UK median salary and I own a flat in Zone 2 London (mortgaged) and a car. I actively volunteer and am part of several other organisation/group type things.

These are things you value perhaps but aren't really about you as a person.

What's your personality like? What would people find attractive about you beyond the fact you have a money and flat and are fit? Are these the only things YOU value? What do you like talking about that isn't your hobby? Could your dry sense of humour come across as humourless?

Honestly, I suspect a lot of men would find you intimidating. You’re successful and you have your life together and you really need to be with someone who is as successful as you. Sadly, as a woman, the more successful you are the smaller the pool of eligible bachelors is.

Good on you for not being willing to put up with a low-motivation man just so that you’re not alone.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

@nanbread I'm sure it did sound a little robotic but I'm just trying to get the basics out of the way, I don't particularly value those things but I have noticed that men do this on the apps as if having a car/home is a selling point, to which I would say - I have my own, I don't need yours, and I'm not trying to date a car...

In general I do honestly think my friends are fabulous, they have helped me move house every time (as I have no family here, they are the ones I turn to) but as a more recent development one of my closest male friends got a girlfriend right before the pandemic, and I have basically not seen hide nor hair of him since. We used to spend like one night a week together just chilling out and he'd help me with things like building a flatpack (I'm very capable and could do it if I have to but I don't like it and my brain is not oriented for things like navigation or putting things together, it's harder for me than other types of things) and then I'd order us beer and burgers to say thanks and we'd watch a movie. Not once in the last 18 months has this sort of thing happened. But on the other hand I messaged our mutual female friend (she is also single though) to ask if she was free, she wasn't but said what's up and I said I'm just lonely and need a chat and miss you and she said why don't you come over Monday after work then? Would be fun. So I don't think they're trying to be mean, and when we do manage to see each other (generally) it's still nice, it's just that for example our group who used to go to the theatre keeps messaging 'We should see this!' and we all say 'Yes we should!' but it doesn't happen...it used to happen!

Do I have an emotional wall up? Yes, I have always been a little more reserved, due to the combination of depression and anxiety it takes a little more time for me to relax around someone but I have really been working on this, and I have good and deep friendships, so this can be done.

Am I a good conversationalist? Yes, I tell funny stories about random silly things that have happened (I have a good repository, that family trip to European City when I was a teen, recent funny incident my dog got me into, my driving ineptitude, etc). I ask questions to try to get them going, one of the main problems in this regard that seems to happen is that while I have many hobbies, the men seem to have none. Work, go home, order takeaway and lie in front of sofa and then sit at pub for 4-5 hours at weekend watching sport. Maybe they play a video game. This doesn't make a great conversation nor does it invite an activity we can do together.

In terms of my hair/nails/dress, I admit my fingernails are not outstanding due to one of my hobbies (I guess I may as well admit to horses being involved) but I keep them short and tidy and clean, and I get a pedicure monthly to ensure the running doesn't make them ugly. My hair is regularly cut and highlighted and I have a good low maintenance style. It is naturally curly and often complimented, I do have to apply product to it to make sure it isn't frizzy but that's it. I have permanent eyeliner so I don't have to bother with makeup but I'll add lipstick for a special occasion. I dress nicely and use stylist boxes to choose clothes and my flat was professionally decorated. I am American so have had orthodontia and have perfect straight white teeth I get cleaned every 6 months.

I do not expect quick replies to texts, in fact I will get annoyed if they expect too many from me as if I'm in a meeting or on a horse or a long run I simply can't reply to them. What I do expect is to have plans confirmed at least a day or two in advance as I need to sort out my dog/work commitments etc. And if they flake on me then I have zero tolerance for that but I think that is fair, as my life can't accommodate that. I may only have one free evening a week, after I have run 32 km already that day, and paid a dog sitter, and if you cancel on me 30 minutes before a date in that situation and it's not because you got hit by a car and can prove it I will be pissed off.

I am not going for men who are more successful than me - I have no set criteria in this regard, I would say I need someone who is an intellectual equal but this doesn't equate to a particular role or salary. What I mean is, I went on a date with someone who said they had never been to the theatre, ever, not local or school or any type, and had no interest in going, and he didn't read, either. I am a writer. This is just not someone I can talk to. I am not screening out someone who is, let's say, a contractor, and looking for, let's say, a partner in a law firm. My parents are both medical doctors and frankly I would not ever want to date a doctor based on that experience, but I also have never refused a date just based on that profession.

It has typically been my preference to insist on chatting very little because it usually leads nowhere and we never meet, once we match and have one or two messages I ask to meet and give my number to set a time and place, is that a mistake? Sounds like you think not @OnlyFoolsnMothers? Breakfast meetings are a really interesting idea, I've been trying to go for after work drinks or evening drinks and using the dog as my 'get out' card. I could do breakfast and then my long run or riding after, rather than before.

You sound lovely. My advice would be to not get hung up on not having a partner. Live your life, do the things you love. You'll meet someone along the way. I know it's hard being single when you don't want to be but it isn't good for you to be overthinking this. Just enjoy life, meet different people.

Oh, I suppose I forgot to answer specifically what I like talking about besides my specific hobbies: I'm a lover of books and films, and I also follow current events/politics fairly closely, so I can talk about pretty much anything that's in the zeitgeist pretty well. I'm passionate, but not strident with someone I've just met, and particularly not with someone I'm never going to see eye to eye with (what's the point) but I've previously volunteered with political campaigns in other countries as well as writing extensively about politics so I'm pretty well-versed in just about anything! It's not all high-brow, I love crap telly, so I'll talk about the latest Netflix reality dating show I love to hate or the withdrawal from Afghanistan, whatever suits the time and place and other person. If our work is similar, I'll talk about work. I'm definitely, definitely not one of those runners who can't shut up about my latest PB. Running is something I do for my health, and I actually dislike running quite a bit, I tolerate it for the end result (to eat more, sleep better, and collect shiny medals).

Thanks @RosiePosieDozy. I suppose the problem is that I don't seem to be meeting any new people of any kind, I'm stuck in a very small bubble (the same few people I run with, even less than before, the same small number of only women I ride with, a tiny number of people I see in person at work). It all just feels so hopeless, while other people seem to manage so easily. And I never minded being single before, because my life was fuller then, and fuller with things that were fun and social, but now that's dropped off and I'm as busy as ever but it's all work/unpaid volunteering that's much like my job, and I do feel quite lonely. I guess I could try to cut back a little bit on the running after the marathon and look for opportunities to either get my friends to go out more or try finding new groups to join to do things that are fun.

I think you sound bloody great!
My DS ( early 30s) was about to give up on the London dating scene when he had one last go and met his perfect partner. You are still young. Wish I had some suggestons!

Thank you, you're all being so kind, it's really helping. I recently turned 28 and a few very close friends got married, and I guess I'm actually feeling very old indeed.

I will try not to give up completely. It's just the combination of what men say on the apps that drives me up the wall. "I'm 35, I'm not looking for anything serious, I drink frequently, and I'd like to have kids someday." Mate, how the actual fuck do you think that's going to pan out? I don't want kids myself, so I'm not feeling bio clock pressure or anything luckily but it still makes me so angry that they seem to think they have all the time in the world at 35 to refuse to commit, binge-drink, and yet say oh yes I'd quite like children. Make it make sense!

Now, I understand that you're listing your positive attributes since the question was 'is there something wrong with me, hence I am having difficulty finding the right man?', and I'm sure don't list them during normal conversation. However, you did ask the question so I will raise the one point that I wonder about, reading your posts.

I just wonder whether there is a slight cultural difference at play here, not with the totally unsuitable men and bastard ex, but perhaps with some nice men not being as interested as they could be.

Obviously everyone is unique and special etc., so not to generalise, but from the time I have spent in the US, and the great American friends I have, it seems to be much more acceptable and positive to take ownership of one's good points and achievements than in the UK. Nothing wrong in this but I'm sure you've come across the general cultural trend of British self deprecation and the intolerance to boasting. Describing ones own teeth as 'perfect, straight and white', for instance, would be quite unusual. I suppose further to that, what I'm getting at is are you trying to be all things to all men, ensure all bases are covered but not allowing space for any relatability or flaws to show when you meet potential partners?

That's not to say you should hide your achievements, pretend to be inferior etc, just that in this precis, you seem to have tried to cover every point as to why you're an interesting, worthy and accomplished person, with a repository of stories to tell, but this may read to someone who doesn't know you well (such as a date), as a bit mechanistic, and not much to bond over?

I'm in a very similar situation to you, but slightly older. Covid has really hindered dating so I understand you and am not criticising you, just adding my 2p worth in case it helps!

I have only your posts on here to go on.

I think you sound obviously very accomplished and active, and if you're young and in shape with lovely curly hair then I've no doubt you are attractive too.

However - and again, I have only your posts to go on, and I'm saying this only because you're asking - I wonder if you aren't a little overwhelming. You're saying a lot about yourself here...I understand why, you're trying to see why you're not having luck in meeting someone so you want to give a full picture of who you are. But still, there is so very much you have to say about yourself and how positive it all is. It can just be a bit overwhelming, like I said. I feel a bit overwhelmed reading it.

I am absolutely NOT saying that you shouldn't be confident, pleased with your accomplishments or happy in yourself. These are good things. And I definitely don't believe in acting dumb or playing down your achievements for a man. But there's just something a bit relentless about how you post here and what you think should be happening in response, and I just wonder how that translates in real life.

I may be way off the mark, of course, but it's just what I'm getting from these posts.

it still makes me so angry that they seem to think they have all the time in the world at 35 to refuse to commit, binge-drink, and yet say oh yes I'd quite like children

Feels unfair, but men do have that luxury compared to women, in terms of having children later on! At least the ones who state this one their profiles are being honest. There are plenty who will swear blind they're ready to settle down ASAP simply for the convenience of regular company and sex for a few months.

Thanks @Freeloadingtosser and @DrSbaitso for asking, I'll clarify if it helps.

I was directly answering the question 'How are your teeth and nails," of course I wouldn't mention this in any other way, I guess you would notice when I smile that they are straight and some people have commented on this. They are not artificially, TV celebrity white or anything, they're just the result of 5 years of braces like most Americans have. This is the answer to the questions about my grooming! I would never say "Hello, my teeth are very straight!" It seemed like an odd question to be honest, but I guess it made sense to rule out any issues, there are none. I do have some fillings if that makes you feel any better but they are enamel not silver so nobody will ever know but my dentist.

I've also specifically answered about my hair, it's taken me decades to learn to mostly like and manage my curls, I used to chemically straighten it but I now have it down to a science. It always surprises me to receive a compliment on them and I'm self-conscious about my dark curls and always feel inferior to the straight haired blondes who seem to get more attention to be completely honest, but again, answering the question, I think with a lot of effort for self-improvement, I've got as good a cut and style as I can and I'm told they look nice, so just so you know, in answer to the question, I don't think my hair is putting anyone off. At speed dating last week, one man said he just loved girls with curly hair, and complimented mine, I'd made the effort to diffuse it rather than air dry so I guess that is enough proof for me, but I don't go around looking at my reflection thinking 'my my what gorgeous locks I have'.

If someone asks what I do for a living, I simply say "I work in [industry]," they'd never know in a first, second, or third date that it's a pretty senior role. Eventually they'll find out I own my flat, if they come round, or ask where I live, if might come up.

My humour is naturally pretty self deprecating, I have a few qualities like a completely horrendous sense of direction that I will admit to and am happy to make myself the butt of the joke. I also have a pathological hatred of phone calls, regularly fall off my horse and get eliminated in competitions more often than not (which I think is hilarious), and loads of other things I have no problem talking about. I have lived in the UK for 6+ years and I'm familiar with how it works here. I'm giving you all the frank rundown as it's not helpful to pussyfoot as you need information, but if I was just meeting someone, I obviously wouldn't be this frank. I am publishing a book next month, when I mention it to people (only if they ask something that makes it come up), they're surprised I didn't raise it sooner, and I always downplay it "just a small press, took me years and years, not going to be a bestseller..." all things I believe but also culturally appropriate, although I am proud of it, I'm not a braggart.

That said, I agree men find me intimidating, and the general truth that I am fairly accomplished (again, I don't walk up to them and say "Hello, I'm extremely accomplished!") seems to put a lot of them off. I didn't mind at least initially that my shitty ex was unemployed and I paid for everything we did, but he resented it and made me feel awful for it all the time. I recognise the emotional abuse involved now, but I just wanted to be with him and make him happy, so if I new he wanted to see a show or something, of course I bought us both tickets whether I wanted to go or not and downplayed the cost and pretended to be enthusiastic because I loved him. When I bought him clothes for a job interview, I blacked out the prices on labels and told him they were on sale to avoid him feeling bad, because I knew he was sore about the fact that even the jobs he interviewed for literally paid half what I earn. I stepped out of the room when recruiters called me so he wouldn't hear the range of pay we were discussing for my next job. I tried really hard not to emasculate him, and I'm very aware of this possibility. I actually think I took it too far in this direction with him and wouldn't do that again.

It is also correct that I am not going to be able or willing to lie about my accomplishments if directly asked - if they ask about my hobbies, I'll say I'm training for the London marathon, and if they react like 'oh wow I can barely run to the bus stop' (common) I'm not going to pretend oh yeah I'm afraid I can't finish the race and I'm not really a runner either, this is my 7th marathon, and I'm going for a time. But I wouldn't say that, either, I'd just say "oh yeah, I don't really like running either, I just like the part where they hand me a medal and I can eat whatever I want!" Does that clarify?

Rereading my previous post, I may have expressed myself badly. It's hard to explain what I mean.

There is just such a lot being given. Again, I realise you're trying to give us a full picture so maybe I am judging it wrong. I'm just saying, from where I'm standing, I'm impressed by your achievements and think they're brilliant, and I'm sure you look great (curls are beautiful). It's just...so much information can feel a bit overloading and intense. A bit floodgatey. I guess that's the best way I can think of to put it. Again, I'm going solely on what's here because that's all I've got.

Also, and I may get flamed for this but in my experience it's true....men don't really care about accomplishment in their partners in the way women do. I don't think it's always that they are intimidated by it or actively dislike it. It can be, of course, but you don't want that kind of guy anyway. I just mean that in my experience, it just isn't something that's especially important to men when seeking partners, in the way it often seems to be for women. Of course a shared interest can be a plus, but things like salaries or sporting achievements just don't seem to be something men filter for the way women do.

If you really want honest feedback, you might do better to ask a forum full of men...

One small thing that stood out to me is this:

the only person who I've met in person and found attractive and know to be employed etc

I’m just wondering whether you’re writing people off too quickly. If you met an attractive stranger, you wouldn’t know if he was employed, if he ran marathons, or anything else. Would you decide not to date due to these unknowns, or would you try a couple of dates to find out?

Well, yeah. I have opened the floodgates here. But I am trying to give the full picture, answer and preempt all questions. What I have tried, what I have experienced, and what I am like. If it turned out I had a drug habit and £30,000 of credit card debt you’d probably say “Well, there’s your problem!” But none of that here .

On balance if it helps I am slightly more serious and also more reserved, and sometimes people ask me if I’m ok when I actually am but just deep in thought and I’m surprised they’re asking. I always correct my face, smile and say yes and change the subject if that happens.

But I tend to take more time to open up and share about myself, so particularly on a first date (and speed dating!) all you’ll get is I’m American (accent) and I’ve lived here a few years now, yes I think I like it here, I work in [office job]. That’s all! Not too intense, I promise. Maybe one of my hobbies or pets gets a mention but not much more. Light chat about my day and current events and pop culture if it’s a full drinks date.

Oh and for those who put stock in this sort of thing my personality type is ISTJ (I think it’s bollocks!) and I’m a Leo.

I guess I’m more feeling like it’s just me who is struggling so much recently but a few of the comments upthread have confirmed it’s partially an age thing and partially a pandemic thing and a neighbour friend I was texting today said she thinks London is a lonely place and is feeling how I am and asked me to go out for drinks with her so I will chin up and go. After work and a run .

@Siepie oh thank you for the good clarifying question. I would be happy to go on a date to find out, my issue is that I’m not meeting them or being asked out by them in the first place, hence requiring the engineered situations like apps or events and being excited by the idea of the soon to be ex colleague.

Your response was more of this really:

it's just...so much information can feel a bit overloading and intense. A bit floodgatey

Have you asked any close male friends for their honest, unvarnished, opinions? These would need to be close enough friends to be completely candid, but with whom there is no romantic interest at all?

Both my and Dr S's responses were caveated by saying 'I am sure you don't list your positive attributes in conversation, however the only impression we have of you is in your posts and this is how you come across'. You have responded with an even longer list of positive attributes and ways in which you feel you handled situations well.

Not trying to detract from these as you have clearly achieved a lot but it does feel like a bit of a campaign to demonstrate there is nothing you could do differently, rather than a reflection. And there may be some element of this in real life too, trying a bit too hard to sell yourself as a complete product.

Where do you think you might be able to improve things? Could this be at the filtering stage if some men were barely able to hold a conversation?

Crossed with your last responses

Based on your posts the only thing that stands out is "I even asked out a colleague who is the only person who I've met in person and found attractive and know to be employed etc " You might not have ridiculous expectations, but perhaps you have a physical type that's fairly specific, and then you combine that with entirely reasonable requirements like "no lazy unemployed arseholes" and you end up with a pretty small potential dating pool.

You sound wonderful. I think I may leave my husband and date you instead.

I really hope things turn out ok for you. You deserve it.

Did you have these problems with dating pre pandemic?

Some things do stand out in what you've said so far but honestly none of that matters if you have only really felt this way in last 18 months. This is such an unusual time I don't think I would make any changes based off how you feel about how anything has been for last 18 months.

Were you happy with your life and how things were going dating wise pre pandemic?

In general if you are meeting/dating enough people and just no one comes up that is compatible it means your expectations don't line up with what you have on offer.

But that's not necessarily a bad thing, you might still get what you want if you keep playing the numbers. I honestly feel like I married waay up, it took me 10 years of dating to find someone it actually worked with, probably went on dates with hundreds of people (I guess not that unusual in the online dating world)... I can honestly say this was my only successful relationship.

You really only need to make it work one time as long as you are able to recognize that one is working and not let it go.