to think there must be something wrong with me that I can't seem to meet somebody?

[Ratatwat]

I'm a young (late 20s) healthy and fit woman. I have many hobbies, don't want to say too much as could be outing I suppose (long time reader first time poster) but they are very active. I guess I can say I'm running a marathon in a couple of weeks and it's not my first, I have a high powered job making more than twice the UK median salary and I own a flat in Zone 2 London (mortgaged) and a car. I actively volunteer and am part of several other organisation/group type things.

All my family is overseas so I am very independent, but I have a fabulous group of friends. If they are busy, I travel alone with my pet or go somewhere abroad to run a race myself but travel in groups with them (prepandemic) so am hardly sitting around waiting for a man.

But I've also put a lot of effort into trying to meet someone. I've asked to be set up, and gone the few times friends have set me up on dates. I've been on the apps for years with horrible, awful results. I even tried speed dating recently (also bloody awful). I don't just mean that I felt the men weren't good-looking enough for me or something shallow like under 6ft tall, I mean they were unable to make a conversation for even 4 minutes, barely spoke English so we just couldn't communicate, vastly age inappropriate despite the event parameters, extraordinarily unfit (so incompatible lifestyles), etc. I even asked out a colleague (would be inappropriate except he said he's leaving the job now) who is the only person who I've met in person and found attractive and know to be employed etc but although he said an enthusiastic yes at first when I tried to get a specific time/day out of him he's backed off. I don't get it.

Obviously, many people have had bad experiences online, but most of mine have been exceptionally bad. I mean, racial abuse and an actual sexual assault. So I have given up that. My last ex of about a year was a setup from a friend and what you'd all call a cocklodger, and an emotionally abusive one at that. He abruptly dumped me in a very abusive way on the day the rumours of the lockdown started (he called his mum to get him while I was out of the flat!).

I don't think I deserved any of that! I'm a very caring person in addition to being very 'together'. My only 'drawback' is that I have depression, but it is well managed. I see a private consultant (at high cost) and take my medication and do exercise, eat well, sleep regularly, etc and it doesn't really inhibit anything. Obviously, I sound negative right now, but I'm not a particularly negative person. I'm considered a pretty funny (somewhat dry) person.

I really don't know what else I'm meant to do at this point. I am happy to spend time by myself, but I am getting lonely now. I do a lot of things, as I said, work and volunteering and hobbies, but since the pandemic my social life hasn't returned to normal. I am reaching out to friends but the coupled up ones have retreated into their couples and are only spending time with each other or travelling together, and I'm excluded. We don't go to the theatre anymore. Even my running club doesn't meet regularly anymore. I used to be out almost 5 nights a week, out more often than not, now I'm often home alone on a given night and I recently did a domestic weeklong holiday (I know, this isn't a 'staycation') and I ended up going myself because I couldn't get a friend to come. Later I found out online that the very day I left this UK beauty spot, a group of my slightly older and coupled up friends went to the exact same place. They knew I was going there alone and not by choice and didn't even tell me. I would have loved to go with them, or even just meet that day as I left and they came for dinner or something, but no. I was so hurt.

Sorry this is so long. I just feel like honestly, when I open up to people about this in real life they tell me I have so much going for me. I objectively have a great job and am a high achiever, I am fairly attractive and fit, I am 'successful' and interesting, I'm independent and not looking for someone to take care of me and have no kids and don't need anyone's money or anything. I just want someone to go away with me for the weekend, go out for dinner after work, maybe even cheer me on at the finish line and hold my jacket. Is that really unattainable?

Is there something I'm not trying that I should be?

I know it's long, I don't want to drip feed.

Dear OP, I would date you, I swear! :) on a serious note, I understand your personality very well. I am very similar and approached dating as a business project which is another topic. You are still very (very!) young, there are lots of men our there and you just keep socializing until you find the right partner to enhance your life. Your hobbies sound great, my money is on you meeting a guy at a polo club ;) p.s. my American friend got married into an English aristocracy at a tender age of 36 and they are a very happy couple!

Men are pretty simple. They're not really interested in your CV or your interests. They want to feel lighthearted and flirted-with. They are self-centred: does this person make me feel good about myself. If you can tap into that by asking questions that make him feel important then you're 90 percent of the way there.

Some men may not be into "I don't want children" "I own a horse" "I'm a writer" and "I'm from elsewhere" and "I have exacting standards of fitness" but that's their issue not yours.

OP, I am going to be quite harsh because I don’t know how to word it any differently, sorry, but to every question your answering in reams of text and very precise, lengthy detail. You could have simply said “oh someone asked what my teeth where like, I wouldn’t have mentioned them otherwise!”

I am wondering if you maybe do this on dates and slightly railroad men.

I know more about your thoughts on Judaism that I do my best friend’s now I think…!

@Ratatwat
What @RosiePosieDozy said
You sound like a kind, caring and thoughtful person - please try not to be hurt by being excluded
you sound like how I would like to have been - in a different life 💐

@user1473878824

OP, I am going to be quite harsh because I don’t know how to word it any differently, sorry, but to every question your answering in reams of text and very precise, lengthy detail. You could have simply said “oh someone asked what my teeth where like, I wouldn’t have mentioned them otherwise!”

I am wondering if you maybe do this on dates and slightly railroad men.

This is a much more succinct way of saying what I was trying to.

Are there specialist dating sites for people who enjoy your hobbies? You are more likely to meet a like minded person than on Plenty of Fish! Would you consider joining a private member's club? That's apparently how James Middleton met his now wife. My third suggestion is to try new places to walk your dog. You might bump into someone similar.

You sound great. It is a matter of chance.

Scale down any profiles you have on the Apps, too much info and what is left to ask in the first date? Keep it brief, be mysterious.

Put up your smiliest picture unposed, one that captures you.

Keep the chat to a minimum and meet quickly, breakfast date or quick coffee then make a decision. It's a numbers game. There are men out there for you!

Can any male friends set you up?

Do you plan to head back to the USA?

@user1473878824 @DrSbaitso lol, ok, got it - apparently I’m one of those writers who needs an editor badly. Just in case - definitely don’t buy my book, it’s 90,000 words.

I guess I can say I'm running a marathon in a couple of weeks and it's not my first, I have a high powered job making more than twice the UK median salary and I own a flat in Zone 2 London (mortgaged) and a car. I actively volunteer and am part of several other organisation/group type things.

As pp have said, you probably intimidate most men. That reflects badly on them rather than you though, so it is at least a handy filter. I had a lot going for me in my late 20s (although not that much) and I had a similar effect. Also, horse riding is the absolute shittest way to meet men. They're all either snapped up, or gay (and also snapped up).

What worked for me, eventually, was taking up a hobby with a much more even split of men: women, well actually slightly weighted towards men. I took the hobby up when I'd completely given up meeting anyone. By this point I'd been single, with occasionally blips, for many, many years. I was mid to late 40s and I met someone perfect for me. All the things other men find intimidating he loves and appreciates about me.

Hopefully you won't have to wait that long. I do recommend taking up a hobby that you enjoy and want to do, but has more men than women taking part. And keep your standards up. If I could tell my younger self one thing it would be that - no matter what, do not compromise. Keep going until you find someone worthy of you.

@JamMakingWannaBe don’t know about specialist sites but would consider a private club or agency if anyone knows a good one!

@RiverSkater my profiles were on only hinge or bumble so almost no info but are all deleted now. Just smiley photos of me alone, doing my hobbies or in a dress. I can recreate them if advised to try again, which seems to be the consensus. No friends able/willing to set me up.

@BeaucoupFish thank you.

@RandomLondoner - partially my guilt and partially whinging about no money to do his own thing and texting me asking when I would be back.

What are your bad points?

Everyone has some, and it can be a character flaw not to be able to recognise your own.

Personally, you sound a bit.... alpha.super busy, super job, a ton of hobbies...

A romantic partnership (imho) involves a lot of periods of frankly boring time. Especially where kids are involved. Sometimes people aren't looking for someone who is great fun to go to the theatre with. They are looking for someone they can relax with. Someone they can veg out with on a sunday and just be comfortable around, doing nothing much.

@BertramLacey ha you are right about the horse riding. If I ever meet a man who rides though I have a burning question to ask him…what does a man do with family jewels during a posting trot? I don’t quite understand how that all works.

That clarifies things, not your fault, you just weren't right for each other.

@DeepaBeesKit I’m aware of my flaws. I tend toward alpha-ness I guess but I actually love it when someone else takes control. I hate that I’m always the person who has to organise things, I do it by default. If I wait for someone else to do it it most often doesn’t get done at all, or so badly it effectively wasn’t done.

I’m fairly high strung in an anxious way which is what manifests as being a little controlling. I don’t want to say “let’s do something at the weekend,” I want to say “let’s go to x restaurant Saturday at 7:30, by tube, and I have booked a table.” I know this doesn’t suit everyone but that’s ok.

Otherwise I’m prone to catastrophic thinking related to depression, fairly pessimistic also related to depression. I can hold a grudge and I can be passive aggressive about it. I’m an overthinker if anything. If my boss were to say “Can I call you?” for example, I’ll assume I’m getting fired with very little (no) basis. I often wish I were 15% less intelligent because of all the constant over analysing of possible worst case scenarios. I can be particular about how I like things; if you make my bed I want you to put the pillows back how they were.

I rarely get to the point where someone would notice any of these…I’m not even meeting people.

@Ratatwat what's your age bracket? I feel like someone in their 40s/50s would shoot you better. They at least, know themselves.

Ah sorry I asked about your teeth!

I think you need to carry on being true to yourself and in time you'll find someone who's right for you. I think there's a risk of reading everyone's replys and trying to be something you're not.

People can spot the high string nature, anxiety and control tendencies a mile away. It may well be coming across even in an online profile.

Can you try asking a friend you trust to write you an OLD profile. Let the friend choose the photo, a candid one, where you are smiling, happy, relaxed.

If you go to meet someone, focus on making it relaxing and chilled out. It's ok to like control and detailed plans but try not to let it overwhelm what should be a low key first or second meeting.

On some dates you may not being getting much back from a guy if they are mentally writing you off because they are overwhelmed a bit.

Do you have some good strategies to manage the catastrophising? I've had phases of this and found it helps to go through, logically a series of "so what" questions, to restore my sense of perspective. I often find going through it really makes me find positives in a situation.

"Omg I'm going to get fired!"
so what....
"I'll have to get another job. What if it takes ages?"
so what....
"I suppose I have quite a bit of savings - I can manage for a few months quite easily.. I might have to sell my flat and move to somewhere cheaper."
so what....
"Maybe a fresh start wouldnt be a disaster". I suppose if I couldnt get a job in [current career path] I had always thought about retraining in [long forgotten daydream occupation]

Total speculation form what you’ve said but I wonder if you might be quite hard to get to know - I have a friend who is very ‘on’ all the time in an almost professional way, as if she is finding it hard to relax into company. I can do this myself when I’m in a certain frame of mind - a sort of ‘schmoozing’ setting that comes on at a party and can be quite hard to turn off again. It’s very effective in a lot of social settings but it’s not very conducive to intimacy. I don’t mean your fake but your descriptions of yourself remind me of myself when I am actually being really focused and getting a lot done but ignoring some of my intimate relationships - I also have well-managed depression and I sometimes feel like I can’t do both- ie be in control of my life and be really present and relaxed around friends and family. Idk probably some projection going on there 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't find you intimidating, OP, but there is something a bit wearying about the way you're expressing yourself here and like a PP, I wonder if this is so far removed from your offline self.

A lot of women on here have said they love the sound of you, though, including some bi ones. True and honest question: are you absolutely 100% straight? If there's any chance that you might be attracted to women, I'm actually wondering if you might have better luck there. There certainly doesn't seem to be any shortage of smart, capable, attractive and personable women....

Obviously that could be a complete no go, but it's just something that occurred to me reading the thread.

Have you tried friend making websites/apps? I joined one when I was very low and got chatting to lots of people with similar interests, no romantic expectations at all.. ended up meeting my dp on one. We spoke everyday for over a year as friends before meeting and deciding to date, he's the loveliest person I've ever met

[quote seriouslystressedoutmama]@Ratatwat what's your age bracket? I feel like someone in their 40s/50s would shoot you better. They at least, know themselves. [/quote]
Sorry. I don't usually point out typos and autocorrect fails, I get them myself...but this is funny 😄

Honestly you sound fab. Intelligent both traditionally and emotionally. Really self aware and independent. I just want to reiterate that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you at all! Don’t let anyone in real life or on here let you think otherwise.

If your problem is that you can’t find that special someone then there’s no obvious cause… part sheer bad luck? Part being so well put together that men are a bit intimidated? I think that living in London could definitely be part of it too…people settle so much later and there is much less emphasis on creating a traditional family path.

Would you consider moving to another city? Bath? Cheltenham? Harrogate? St Albans? Stratford? Edinburgh? Bournemouth? These can be placed with lots of vibrancy and like-minded people, but perhaps a bit more of a community feel.

I would advise you to keep at the internet dating too. Be picky but keep an open mind.

I think you sound amazing and I would like to know you.

But (very gently and because you have asked) you also seem very considered and a touch intense. In pages of text, you literally haven't made a spelling or punctuation error or shown a hint of raw emotion. Your writing also seems like you are eager to please your audience with your witty observations of self. When do you go wild, laugh till you cry, do silly stuff, let your hair down? I don't mean to attract a man... I mean to.... unclench a bit. I may be off the mark. I like you! and hope you find your partner. I am sure you will.

@seriouslystressedoutmama I will go up to 45, my best friend here is 41 and a very close friend in the states is in her 50s. My dad is 60 though so 50 is too old. My red line is no kids.

@DrSbaitso I wish I were not straight but unfortunately I am. My female (also horse riding) friend recently kissed me at a hen do when we were both very drunk and unfortunately nothing. I often wish I could will myself to be less straight but it’s not a choice.

@callingon yes I can be hard to get to know I believe but I think we would have to get to first date stage for that to be an issue.

@DeepaBeesKit my friend who is a little younger and prettier (and blonde) and who gets a lot of male attention has written my profile for me, answers messages for me, and has done a “dual/double date” hinge profile for us both. Hasn’t resulted in anything serious I’m aware enough of how I might come across intimidating to have tried this, I let her take photos of me and select them in general. She is an Instagram master. Re: coping skills yes I discuss with my therapist and take anxiety meds where needed.

@Henio can you recommend a specific site?