to think there must be something wrong with me that I can't seem to meet somebody?

[Ratatwat]

I'm a young (late 20s) healthy and fit woman. I have many hobbies, don't want to say too much as could be outing I suppose (long time reader first time poster) but they are very active. I guess I can say I'm running a marathon in a couple of weeks and it's not my first, I have a high powered job making more than twice the UK median salary and I own a flat in Zone 2 London (mortgaged) and a car. I actively volunteer and am part of several other organisation/group type things.

All my family is overseas so I am very independent, but I have a fabulous group of friends. If they are busy, I travel alone with my pet or go somewhere abroad to run a race myself but travel in groups with them (prepandemic) so am hardly sitting around waiting for a man.

But I've also put a lot of effort into trying to meet someone. I've asked to be set up, and gone the few times friends have set me up on dates. I've been on the apps for years with horrible, awful results. I even tried speed dating recently (also bloody awful). I don't just mean that I felt the men weren't good-looking enough for me or something shallow like under 6ft tall, I mean they were unable to make a conversation for even 4 minutes, barely spoke English so we just couldn't communicate, vastly age inappropriate despite the event parameters, extraordinarily unfit (so incompatible lifestyles), etc. I even asked out a colleague (would be inappropriate except he said he's leaving the job now) who is the only person who I've met in person and found attractive and know to be employed etc but although he said an enthusiastic yes at first when I tried to get a specific time/day out of him he's backed off. I don't get it.

Obviously, many people have had bad experiences online, but most of mine have been exceptionally bad. I mean, racial abuse and an actual sexual assault. So I have given up that. My last ex of about a year was a setup from a friend and what you'd all call a cocklodger, and an emotionally abusive one at that. He abruptly dumped me in a very abusive way on the day the rumours of the lockdown started (he called his mum to get him while I was out of the flat!).

I don't think I deserved any of that! I'm a very caring person in addition to being very 'together'. My only 'drawback' is that I have depression, but it is well managed. I see a private consultant (at high cost) and take my medication and do exercise, eat well, sleep regularly, etc and it doesn't really inhibit anything. Obviously, I sound negative right now, but I'm not a particularly negative person. I'm considered a pretty funny (somewhat dry) person.

I really don't know what else I'm meant to do at this point. I am happy to spend time by myself, but I am getting lonely now. I do a lot of things, as I said, work and volunteering and hobbies, but since the pandemic my social life hasn't returned to normal. I am reaching out to friends but the coupled up ones have retreated into their couples and are only spending time with each other or travelling together, and I'm excluded. We don't go to the theatre anymore. Even my running club doesn't meet regularly anymore. I used to be out almost 5 nights a week, out more often than not, now I'm often home alone on a given night and I recently did a domestic weeklong holiday (I know, this isn't a 'staycation') and I ended up going myself because I couldn't get a friend to come. Later I found out online that the very day I left this UK beauty spot, a group of my slightly older and coupled up friends went to the exact same place. They knew I was going there alone and not by choice and didn't even tell me. I would have loved to go with them, or even just meet that day as I left and they came for dinner or something, but no. I was so hurt.

Sorry this is so long. I just feel like honestly, when I open up to people about this in real life they tell me I have so much going for me. I objectively have a great job and am a high achiever, I am fairly attractive and fit, I am 'successful' and interesting, I'm independent and not looking for someone to take care of me and have no kids and don't need anyone's money or anything. I just want someone to go away with me for the weekend, go out for dinner after work, maybe even cheer me on at the finish line and hold my jacket. Is that really unattainable?

Is there something I'm not trying that I should be?

I know it's long, I don't want to drip feed.

@DrSbaitso whoops 😂😂😂😂 I actually shoot people for a living, which might explain the typo! But can you guess the career 😂😂😂

It may be that you just haven't met the right guy yet.

In the meantime, if it's men you're interested in but who don't seem to be reciprocating, I think you'll get more constructive responses asking a forum of men. Doesn't mean you have to take their advice if you don't want to (I would be prepared for a fair amount of crap) but you're more likely to get the insight you're looking for. I don't know how well a female-oriented site will be able to get into the heads of your target audience.

[quote seriouslystressedoutmama]@DrSbaitso whoops 😂😂😂😂 I actually shoot people for a living, which might explain the typo! But can you guess the career 😂😂😂[/quote]
No but how do I get into it??? And can I choose the targets???

@Ratatwat 'frindow' was my favourite one

I think it's just a really weird time now to be trying to date OP. You sound great, fun and interesting and maybe a little intimidating to less accomplished men!

Please don't think you're doing anything wrong or trying to change yourself. I didn't meet my DH until I was 30 (he's younger than me), my best mate was 36 when she met her husband. You have time, it might not seem like it but don't lower your standards to try and get someone. The right man will appear, I am sure.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

Honestly you sound fab. Intelligent both traditionally and emotionally. Really self aware and independent. I just want to reiterate that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you at all! Don’t let anyone in real life or on here let you think otherwise.

If your problem is that you can’t find that special someone then there’s no obvious cause… part sheer bad luck? Part being so well put together that men are a bit intimidated? I think that living in London could definitely be part of it too…people settle so much later and there is much less emphasis on creating a traditional family path.

Would you consider moving to another city? Bath? Cheltenham? Harrogate? St Albans? Stratford? Edinburgh? Bournemouth? These can be placed with lots of vibrancy and like-minded people, but perhaps a bit more of a community feel.

I would advise you to keep at the internet dating too. Be picky but keep an open mind.

Where the heck are the men in Bath? None of them are lining up outside my house

Agree you sound awesome. I know so many awesome single women. Far fewer men. But don’t give up, you’re still so young (I have given up but that’s because I had the perfect man for me and he died, and now I’m awfully busy bringing up our kids). Keep up with hobbies. I wouldn’t lower standards or go for men more than a couple of years older in your position. I’m sure he’s out there.

You sound great, OP. I can confirm your thoughts about one aspect of your life, however. If it’s a straight man you’re looking for, you definitely won’t find him in the horsey world which is 90% female and of the male 10%, 90% are gay. Except the farriers, and they are invariably going out with the hot daughters of rich farmers.

Joking apart, I agree that a lot of men probably do find you a bit intimidating because you’re obviously a bright, mature, successful high-achiever. Maybe join an upmarket gym in an area frequented by successful high-achieving men? This is easy to do in London, of course, but might be trickier in different parts o& the country.

Thanks everyone. I don’t think I fancy moving out of London - the overseas move was enough and I do have a network here. I don’t want to give it up for a snowball’s chance of a partner. I’d rather keep my network of running and horse and synagogue friends. And I bought a flat and everything…plus my job. Too much upheaval for no tangible gain.

I am already a fancy gym member but I only work out there with a male PT so nobody approaches me.

Except the farriers, and they are invariably going out with the hot daughters of rich farmers.

That reminds me, is Muddy Matches still going? That might be worth a shot, even in London. Once you've weeded out the people who think the best way to conserve wildlife is to kill it, there are some interesting people.

@BertramLacey I will look into it! I haven’t the stomach to kill things though.

Update: I am currently in soho with my friend. The men at the table next to us are buying us the second round of drinks at this place. The waiter at the last place bought us some shots. Clearly, I’m not repulsive…

Of course you're not - but what about them?? Seem anyone you fancy?

@Ratatwat

Thanks everyone. I don’t think I fancy moving out of London - the overseas move was enough and I do have a network here. I don’t want to give it up for a snowball’s chance of a partner. I’d rather keep my network of running and horse and synagogue friends. And I bought a flat and everything…plus my job. Too much upheaval for no tangible gain.

I am already a fancy gym member but I only work out there with a male PT so nobody approaches me.

You could try Jewish dating sites or jw3 has singles/young 30s nights.

To be honest I think you come across a bit snobbish.

It's not about earning more than most people, being able to travel alone, not having kids, owning a home and car, being independent, lots of hobbies and friends, hardly being at home.

It's your personality and how you come across.

While on the date do you immediately ask what their profession is? Maybe they can sense you're judging them on that?

I might be totally wrong. That's just the impression I got.

@PermanentTemporary no.

@Embracelife for the reasons I described above (though I was accused of writing too much) no that’s not my preference.

@RevolvingPivot you are totally wrong. I’m not a snob, but the first question anyone asks ME is what I do for a living. As I already described, I don’t filter for specific professions. I usually ask what people do OUTSIDE of work as I want to know people have interests. We just need to be able to spend time together and converse. You can be a lawyer or you can be a plumber, either way if you don’t read or enjoy cultural experiences like museums or theatre or travel then it’s not gonna work.

You remind me a bit of me when I was younger, not from your job/hobbies/looks/religion but being quite driven, always on the go, achieving, an organiser some people might find controlling. I felt ready to settle down at 22, but only met my husband at 40. What would I do differently to make it happen sooner?

Partly, consider (eg via OLD) many men from a larger geographical area and be ruthless about screening most of them out quickly.

Don't settle for 'someone to go away with me for the weekend, go out for dinner after work, maybe even cheer me on at the finish line and hold my jacket.' Anyone great will want to be more than that. Look for someone you admire, adore, that makes you want to hold their jacket too,
Partly, stop treating it like a work project (I made a Gantt chart to marriage & kids whole single in my 20s, needless to say that didn't happen!) Let dating be a hobby you do for entertainment and focus your more driven energy on studying emotional and social intelligence (see Daniel Goleman), as it's easy to focus energies on where we can best achieve independently (work, fitness etc) and neglect these areas, not that you come across as lacking but there's always more to learn.
And I also had to learn to relax. It's a skill to practice. Shifting your body chemistry via eg yoga, tai chi, meditation etc might help you shift the anxious/depressive thoughts which will knock on to how you interact and help people relax with you. You need to be able to comfortably and happily sit still on your own.
So this now comes across as a set of instructions, so you can see I still need to take my own advice...!
Good luck and have fun.

@FurtherUpAndFartherIn fair. I’m partial to a Gantt chart at work and keep a trello board for my personal life in addition to multiple calendar events to avoid dripping one of my many spinning plates. I do see it as a projected don’t enjoy the process, and wish I could skip to the settled down and comfortable part. There is nothing I loathe or fear more than meditation and I always have some sort of informational podcast or audiobook playing to quiet the anxious thoughts. I listen to books or podcasts while I run, fold laundry, cook, commute, fall asleep, and even shower. Anything to avoid being alone in the quiet with my own thoughts. I cannot imagine anything worse.

😊
If you have the determination to be able to run marathons when you don't enjoy running, you have what it takes to learn to meditate!
I would say the couch to 5k of meditation is a T'ai Chi or Chi Gung/Qi Gong class. As it's easier to start with having movements and breathing to focus on than just sitting.
You won't get any medals, but you can count the minutes you spend practising. Or as a baby step go do Bikram / 26+2 yoga (the most driven of yogas!), you get to see your postures and heat tolerance improve and accidentally master a few minutes of Savasana. (Yes Bikram was by all accounts a knob but the yoga works).
It will be a challenge, but you might enjoy that!
I also had to ponder my values. Are you, and other people, of any value beyond what you achieve, I found an interesting starting point.

This may of course have nothing, or everything, to do with successful dating. Again, good luck! 😊

Also there are some simple techniques fairly early on in this book which are good to practice to learn to direct your mind where you want it to go. https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1879237849/ref=dpobbnevamobile

A few thought.

If you are 20s and don’t want kids, you are limiting the pool of available men, as most people I came across while dating in my 20s were definitely looking to have them in due course. I’d second a previous poster’s suggestion that you should look for older than you men, say 35+

Do you talk constantly about being single and/or lonely with your friends? If so, in my view it is very draining.

How about a group adventure holiday, like Exodus?

OP, in your OP you write that you "have depression" in the same way you write about having curly hair. In later posts you then say you have anxiety. And in the most recent update you say you can't stand to be alone with your thoughts.

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like there are some big things going on in your psyche that you're trying to escape from.

If you can learn to love yourself and feel compassion for yourself that will translate outwards. It all sounds very transactional and surface level, that isn't what a LTR or marriage can or should be.

For example you haven't given a sense of why you run, do you love it? Then in an update you said you would be happy to reduce it to fit a potential partner.

What do you actually enjoy? Who are you OP? As a person, flawed and quirky? That's who you need to know and love.

1. you sounds fantastic. I want you as a friend.
2. you mentioned not wanting kids - do u make this clear fairly early on? I’m thinking perhaps this is a deal breaker for some men. Which reduces your pool.
3. this is going to sound shallow but online dating is. Do you need to make yourself more attractive aesthetically? Men are visual creatures and let’s face it there’s lots of competition online. You may feel this is a hard no which is fine but understanding how all this works will help you in the long run.

Hm. So your faults are that you're too intelligent, too organised, too analytical, show too much attention to detail? And you're only some of these things because other people aren't organised enough for you?

OP, you know how the most eye-rolling answer to the job interview question about the candidate's faults is 'I'm too much of a perfectionist'? Well, you've tried to answer this through a positive lens.

You've not been aggressive or rude at all, quite the opposite, but you have sought to steamroller responses to your original question (based on your posts) that haven't been complimentary by saying 'you're wrong, here are reams of further good characteristics about me that should show you why', seemingly without real balanced or critical reflection.

You sound as though there are bigger issues at play here, as a PP says. Your achievements etc are good, but so are those of many women and men on the dating scene. With kindness, earning a decent salary and having hobbies are not unusual and not reasons to make you more loveable. I accept that they may be some marker of being stable and having interests, which is some part of being a suitable partner, but that's all. I sense you hide behind these lists of data about yourself (even inwardly, we've established you don't reel them off in person), hoping to hear that the only problem is that men are dazzled and intimidated by you, when actually you come across here quite overbearing and brittle. For instance, in asking strangers about what's stopping you from dating, you felt it necessary to slot in how many marathons you've run and allude to how many miles you run otherwise, unasked. That's a genuine point, not a rhetorical rebuke.

OP you sound great! There is a saying “Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free”. Unfortunately if some men said in their profiles that they just want to have sex with multiple people it would help to filter out the wrong ‘uns. I would say don’t worry about men saying they aren’t in a hurry to settle down- they want an easy way out if you are not compatible. They may well want a relationship. What you haven’t mentioned is whether there is a spark with any of these guys?

I’ve met alot of attractive single men who are dateable and I’ve noticed- they seem to have a good group of mates and are involved in their local community. Why not try the Park Run on Saturday mornings? Or join cycling club? Live music events are a great place to meet people. Sometimes people focus too much on wanting to meet “the one” and forget the magic and romance that gets you there.

Just to add wrt to racism, I am mixed but fair skinned with straight hair. I am proud of my background and don’t hide my heritage. The reactions I’ve had when I mention this vary from three fulsome messages explaining that their best friend’s cousin is this race followed by silence to a picture of a fucking watermelon and when challenged, apologies that they had no idea of the well known meaning of this. So, in short, racism is alive and well on dating sites.