to think there must be something wrong with me that I can't seem to meet somebody?

[Ratatwat]

I'm a young (late 20s) healthy and fit woman. I have many hobbies, don't want to say too much as could be outing I suppose (long time reader first time poster) but they are very active. I guess I can say I'm running a marathon in a couple of weeks and it's not my first, I have a high powered job making more than twice the UK median salary and I own a flat in Zone 2 London (mortgaged) and a car. I actively volunteer and am part of several other organisation/group type things.

All my family is overseas so I am very independent, but I have a fabulous group of friends. If they are busy, I travel alone with my pet or go somewhere abroad to run a race myself but travel in groups with them (prepandemic) so am hardly sitting around waiting for a man.

But I've also put a lot of effort into trying to meet someone. I've asked to be set up, and gone the few times friends have set me up on dates. I've been on the apps for years with horrible, awful results. I even tried speed dating recently (also bloody awful). I don't just mean that I felt the men weren't good-looking enough for me or something shallow like under 6ft tall, I mean they were unable to make a conversation for even 4 minutes, barely spoke English so we just couldn't communicate, vastly age inappropriate despite the event parameters, extraordinarily unfit (so incompatible lifestyles), etc. I even asked out a colleague (would be inappropriate except he said he's leaving the job now) who is the only person who I've met in person and found attractive and know to be employed etc but although he said an enthusiastic yes at first when I tried to get a specific time/day out of him he's backed off. I don't get it.

Obviously, many people have had bad experiences online, but most of mine have been exceptionally bad. I mean, racial abuse and an actual sexual assault. So I have given up that. My last ex of about a year was a setup from a friend and what you'd all call a cocklodger, and an emotionally abusive one at that. He abruptly dumped me in a very abusive way on the day the rumours of the lockdown started (he called his mum to get him while I was out of the flat!).

I don't think I deserved any of that! I'm a very caring person in addition to being very 'together'. My only 'drawback' is that I have depression, but it is well managed. I see a private consultant (at high cost) and take my medication and do exercise, eat well, sleep regularly, etc and it doesn't really inhibit anything. Obviously, I sound negative right now, but I'm not a particularly negative person. I'm considered a pretty funny (somewhat dry) person.

I really don't know what else I'm meant to do at this point. I am happy to spend time by myself, but I am getting lonely now. I do a lot of things, as I said, work and volunteering and hobbies, but since the pandemic my social life hasn't returned to normal. I am reaching out to friends but the coupled up ones have retreated into their couples and are only spending time with each other or travelling together, and I'm excluded. We don't go to the theatre anymore. Even my running club doesn't meet regularly anymore. I used to be out almost 5 nights a week, out more often than not, now I'm often home alone on a given night and I recently did a domestic weeklong holiday (I know, this isn't a 'staycation') and I ended up going myself because I couldn't get a friend to come. Later I found out online that the very day I left this UK beauty spot, a group of my slightly older and coupled up friends went to the exact same place. They knew I was going there alone and not by choice and didn't even tell me. I would have loved to go with them, or even just meet that day as I left and they came for dinner or something, but no. I was so hurt.

Sorry this is so long. I just feel like honestly, when I open up to people about this in real life they tell me I have so much going for me. I objectively have a great job and am a high achiever, I am fairly attractive and fit, I am 'successful' and interesting, I'm independent and not looking for someone to take care of me and have no kids and don't need anyone's money or anything. I just want someone to go away with me for the weekend, go out for dinner after work, maybe even cheer me on at the finish line and hold my jacket. Is that really unattainable?

Is there something I'm not trying that I should be?

I know it's long, I don't want to drip feed.

Op it’s hard isn’t it? I was terrible at dating because I hadn’t been single for twenty years and I just didn’t know what to do. I followed some advice and like you tried to get men to meet up quite soon but suspect I put a few men off by being pushy and inviting them for a coffee. Now I realise I might’ve looked desperate. Lots of dating ‘experts’ say that the man should do the work but I definitely wasn’t going to wait around. Having said that my now partner (of 2 1/2 years) wanted a phone call date on the day we matched and a pub date a week later so he definitely did pursue me.

Anyway good luck, I’m 20 years older than you so can patronisingly say you’re still young and you have many years to find someone, especially if you don’t have the desire for kids making the situation more stressful.

Thanks @TreeSmuggler and @FirewomanSam.

I do sometimes wish I had those pretty long fingernails lots of women have but then again I read an article once that basically said they all have poo under them, so perhaps not.

No tears here, just a bit of a hangover.

Which bits do resonate with you OP, from what has been said? That might help steer people more in the right direction. Give us your bullet pointed list, rated in order of how much the advice applies and the associated action plan.

(Just teasing about that last bit. )

@CrumbsThatsQuick well, since you asked.

• I can be difficult to get to know: this is definitely true, my social anxiety manifests as being reserved/quiet/serious or even a little cold sometimes. Need to be aware of this if in a situation that could be conducive to meeting new people.
• My current hobbies are not facilitating meeting potential partners: If I want to meet people in person, I need to try different places/activities to do so, that will have a better gender balance.
• I need to be willing to try online dating again, but with a better strategy for filtering and chatting. Maintaining standards and safeguarding for myself, but openness to potential matches I had ruled out. Screening via more chatting. I also need to consider a more serious, paid only dating site.
• I need to stop indulging my overly self-critical tendencies related to my looks and be open to the possibility that someone may in fact be hitting on me and it's possible that my attraction or interest may be reciprocated.
• Although it's a good thing that I'm independent and successful, I need to be sure that when I'm discussing any of my achievements it's not coming across as a hostile, 'I don't need you' kind of thing. I don't think it really is, but I do think some men are prone to being intimidated by certain things like being out-earned by women and although I'd never tell them how much I earn, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to do the maths on my lifestyle and put themselves in a higher or lower bracket. But if a man is insecure about this, they're just not the one for me, I don't need to bend over backwards to protect their ego.

I also say take any dating ‘advice’ you’re given with a large pinch of salt. People will put a lot of emphasis on which apps are best, and how you should behave on them (leave X days before messaging, let him make the first move, wait X long before meeting up etc etc) but in my experience none of that really matters once you meet the right person.

I met my husband on the crappiest free dating platform but his message stood out immediately and we hit it off right away. We messaged whenever we wanted to, and we were only ever happy to hear from each other because we liked each other! People will disagree, but personally I think if a guy likes a woman he likes her and wants to hear from her, he doesn’t think ‘well I might have liked her but she texted me after one day instead of two’.

How long have you lived over here? How did you find dating in the US? I wonder if Americans come across as more direct? That’s probably a massive generalisation/stereotype.

I am reserved/hard to get to know so I completely relate to that aspect. People often have a very different opinion of me once they get to know me.

I had a friend who was gorgeous and got hit on all the time. She was very intelligent but could be very superior and clearly thought she was more intelligent than me and others (she was but you don’t exactly make friends by doing that!) and would tell us her IQ. I’m not saying you would do that! But maybe you can come off as being seen as thinking yourself superior?

In my late twenties, before I gave up dating and men in general, I met some lovely chaps through a language class.
It was in central London, the class had people from a bunch of countries and probably half were there to meet people(not in a creepy fucker way) as much as learn the language.

I know you're busy with work and your existing hobbies and 'take an evening class' is an old fashion cliche but it is a way of meeting new people without the pressure of a date.

If you occasionally attend synagogue would you be able to get set up discreetly with someone? I know you said you'd almost rather not date someone Jewish but it does seem to be a part of your life so it might be worth exploring.

DH is Jewish but culturally Jewish like you but unfortunately we're not in London (and a bit older!) or I'd see if he knew anyone.

I think you sound lovely. I had a friend in a similar position who really despaired of meeting anyone and she did in her mid 30s so I think of her and hope it works out for you.

I guess if kids aren't an issue then at least you don't have the panic of settling and maybe this makes you a bit more fussy? Not that's it's bad to be particular about a life partner but I bet many women do settle because of the biological clock.

I think you sound absolutely superb. Don't change. And don't blame yourself and keep going.

@WeCanBeHeronsJustForOneDay To be honest, I didn't really date in the states. I had a high school boyfriend, unserious. I moved to the UK right after graduating uni, I didn't really date in uni (very studious - many extracurriculars as well as some work, and just not a priority). I have now lived here 6+ years and don't think I'm really generally culturally a misfit. Sadly, I know my IQ because when I was a young teenager my parents got me tested for everything to find out if there was something wrong with me because I was so type A, highly strung, never had any fun really. I have never told anyone I even know my IQ, let alone what it is, rather embarrassing that my parents were so upset by my weirdness, it is just depression and anxiety and they probably didn't help by being awful most of the time and having a protracted many year long acrimonious divorce and physically and emotionally abusing me and my sisters, though I got the worst of it. It is not a mystery to me that I moved overseas from them. We have a fine relationship now with distance. I don't believe I'm better than anyone, I believe I am on the whole much more neurotic than most and less able to have fun, less confident, less relaxed, and I don't think I ever come across as rude (I'm often told I'm very polite) I don't have that natural warmth and charm radiating from me that less anxious people do. I'm also aware my academic/work success is a direct result of anxiety; it can lead to a lot of hard work and preparation.

@jay55 Yes I'm really up for that in theory, just need to carve out the time, and pick something, but would like to, anyway. I wanted to take a painting class awhile ago.

@SufferingSailors Thank you. Sorry, long answer with potentially unnecessary detail coming: it is a quirk of my particular synagogue that the membership skews particularly LGBTQ and there really just aren't any straight men my age. There aren't a whole lot of members my age, especially paying ones who regularly attend, this is part of my job to fix in my unpaid volunteer capacity. If anyone there knew anyone they could even theoretically set me up with, they would fall over themselves to do it. People try! A woman wistfully tried to set me up with her son even though he's already dating someone...she isn't Jewish. Haha, but sad, let him be. I would be open to this if it happened, it's just the overengineered JDate/JW3 thing I don't think works for me because if there is a man my age, he is likely to want to marry and have children immediately, alternatively we will have irreconcilable differences about many aspects of observance, etc.

@friendlyflicka thank you so much, that is very kind.

Well, a couple of updates, if you find me too verbose you can skip them: I downloaded a dating app Friday, chatted briefly with some not great photos but probably ok guys, asked them for coffee the next morning as advised. One said yes, we both had to leave at noon, I suggested a neighbourhood halfway between us. Went horribly...he turned up late and wearing a puffa coat in the heat and sun, I said shall we walk to the park and grab a coffee en route, less than 2 minutes later at a traffic light he abruptly told me he was leaving. Basically suddenly said "I think you want me to go, I'm going to go," I was quite shocked so I said "I guess if you want to??" and he said "Yeah, I'm going to go," and so I just kept walking on to the park with my dog! That threw me a little bit. He seemed really insecure, had a lot of messages about how he couldn't believe I was talking to him as I'm so pretty blah blah blah I just said thanks you look nice too. No idea what it was about but pretty confident it wasn't anything I did, there wasn't any time!

I enquired at 2 members clubs in London, dog-friendly. Both have replied, one has already scheduled an interview with me.

I directly asked my soon to be ex work colleague if he still wanted a drink, he said yes, I said well ok good and suddenly he said it's just that he HAS A GIRLFRIEND and needs to 'respect the relationship'. The one he's never mentioned until now, not when I asked who he was going away with, not when I first asked him for drinks and he said 'dead keen let's get it booked', not when he suggested I come to his place. That shit is intentional. Fuck off.

I attended the last speed dating event I had booked Saturday (a free ticket for not having matched with anyone - my choice - previously) despite the rough morning date and had several interested, one insisted on getting my number before I left not using the website system. He seems ok. I'll give it a shot, but he's being very difficult about scheduling even factoring in that I'm not that available. I don't find him overly attractive but I know people grow on me for sure, I thought he was a little pushy and is bombarding me with texts yet can't manage either of the two options I've given to meet this week so I don't know. Evidently though at least nothing about my appearance at the event, nails, teeth, conversation or demeanour was that bad.

OP I think part of what's going on is you have an excellent filter for idiots and so are automatically rejecting a lot of men. I think puffa jacket man picked up on the rejection at some level - and you can send signals in a few seconds, it doesn't even take minutes. This is a good thing. Despite many people's contention that the world is full of amazing single men and there is someone for everyone, it isn't, and basic demographics would indicate otherwise.

Sadly, I know my IQ because when I was a young teenager my parents got me tested

Don't get too hung up on this. IQ isn't a single definite quantity, or it is, but that doesn't prove what people think. IQ = mental age/ actual age x 100. This relies on there being some kind of average intelligence for each age that is definable and measurable. It's also all well and good when you're 12 and testing as if you're 14, but breaks down if you're 40 and testing as if you're 80. Even if you take IQ as being something definite, it will have changed since you were young.

It was one of my bugbears when watching Scorpion that they would refer to someone as a 168 or a 174. Geniuses should know about the construction of IQ tests, their cultural variability and the ways that scores can be changed with coaching. Apparently that lot didn't.

Yeah @BertramLacey you are probably right, I was a little put off by him when he turned up, but I did make a real concerted effort to hide it and be friendly and polite anyway. I guess it was an option to say actually let's not even go for coffee the minute I saw him but it didn't seem like a nice thing to do. I intended to keep it short and politely inform him immediately after that I didn't want to meet again.

I never spend a moment thinking about IQ except to tell people it's actually a nonsensical (and racist) construct, it was just raised by another poster. I've never told anyone mine and I'm not flashing a Mensa card at anyone either (this is also a flip remark, I have not enquired about joining), don't worry, it does amuse me a little that my parents wanted there to be something wrong with me but the response was 'no she's smart and angry at you for being bad parents' more or less.

I guess I'd rather keep the idiot filter than the alternative. But maybe next time I should cut off the date actually, why should I go through with it making polite conversation when I didn't want to be there either?

OP apologies if you've answered this already, have you tried JDate or similar? I've heard people on there are generally more interested in relationships than some of the other apps and many people who use it aren't necessarily strongly religious just desirous of a partner with similar cultural experiences and values.

@BookFiend4Life I haven't given it a serious go. At the risk of giving too much information about my thoughts yet again, I was a little intimidated by all the questions about the various permutations of how observant/faithful/etc you can be. I remember there being questions to answer and display (like on Bumble etc for height, age, etc) for how strictly you keep Kosher, what denomination you are, synagogue attendance, etc...the chances of finding someone compatible on even 3/infinity of those seemed extremely unlikely and I would find it very hard to get along with someone stricter than I am on most things. But...I could have another look.