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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this workplace situation is completely inappropriate?

298 replies

Lu781 · 16/09/2021 09:34

Man in senior management position, mid 40s. Was previously responsible for training and mentoring junior member of staff, but once she had moved to another department (but still a trainee) instigated a sexual relationship with her, despite his position within the company and living with a woman (claimed it was a platonic relationship)

The junior - early 20s but very naive/ sexually and emotionally inexperienced, had never had a boyfriend nor had sex (or gone further than kissing).

The 'relationship' ended after a few months when he decided she was too young for him, after which the junior ended up out of a job. Not as a direct result, but it certainly didn't help matters.

Was this inappropriate on his part? (or indeed both their parts?)

OP posts:
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 16/09/2021 10:05

I agree with PP: I wouldn't be chomping at the bit to invite this man to a dinner party, but unless his relationship with her influenced her being let go, he has not done anything wrong from a workplace perspective. Inexperienced adults gain experience by, you know, having relationships and sex. And I'm sure we can all think of reasons why we don't want workplaces to become enforcers of social norms and ideas of what constitutes an "acceptable" relationship.

TooBigForMyBoots · 16/09/2021 10:06

I think it's been a steep learning curve for the woman.

GloriousGoosebumps · 16/09/2021 10:07

I disagree with the previous posters. There's such a large difference in the balance of power between the two of them, with all the power being with him, that I really cannot see how anyone can say this was not an inappropriate relationship.

Gazelda · 16/09/2021 10:07

I think his actions were ill advised.

Her actions were naive, but she is responsible for her part in the relationship and shouldn't now be looking to lay 'blame' anywhere.

TheSoapyFrog · 16/09/2021 10:07

As far as I can see they were two consenting adults, and she is an adult, not a child or teenager. Her lack of experience doesn't make it inappropriate. Many people enter into relationships with one having more experience than the other, especially when one is much older.
And these sorts of relationships do happen in the workplace. If they're serious, the powers that be are notified and changes or transfers are made if necessary. Otherwise they tend to fizzle out and hope it isn't awkward in the future.
What was the actual reason the company gave for her being fired?

ManifestDestinee · 16/09/2021 10:09

@Mantlemoose

Inappropriate on both parties behalf.
But a massive inbalance of power means the fault is far more on one side.
boxinell · 16/09/2021 10:11

I think it is highly unprofessional (mostly on his part) and an abuse of his position. He is in senior management, she, albeit an adult, sounds very inexperienced and immature. Regardless of whether they are adults, I don't agree with superiors taking advantage of juniors in this way.

boxinell · 16/09/2021 10:12

@GloriousGoosebumps

I disagree with the previous posters. There's such a large difference in the balance of power between the two of them, with all the power being with him, that I really cannot see how anyone can say this was not an inappropriate relationship.
Completely agree. Quite shocked with others' responses.
HarrietsChariot · 16/09/2021 10:12

They're both equally wrong.

Alcemeg · 16/09/2021 10:14

@Lu781

Do you not think there's any difference between someone who has, say, been involved in a number of serious relationships since their teens, and another person who has had no such experiences, and just kissed a few guys at parties?
Everyone has to start somewhere...?
TartanJumper · 16/09/2021 10:16

Two consenting adults- their activities and any fall out are on them, not my business.

MsHedgehog · 16/09/2021 10:21

@user1471517900

Love the wording of the OP. "Instigated a sexual relationship with her". I presume she was a willing part of this. Your wording makes it sound creepy, like she had no free will and it was something done to her.
This!

The poor poor woman, manipulated into a sexual relationship against her will...

Jossbow · 16/09/2021 10:25

She ( You presumably knowing intimate details) are having regrets?

Both consnting adults

ItsNotMeAnymore · 16/09/2021 10:27

I think it’s sleazy of the guy but the woman was an adult so up to her unless she was vulnerable in some way it ‘ok’.

I don’t think it was inappropriate even though it was creepy of the guy.

Look at all the celebs that date much younger partners. 🤮

starfishmummy · 16/09/2021 10:27

If there are no rules about workplace relationships then there is no "workplace situation".

I'll advised and unprofessional of both parties of course. And that's before the older guy in a relationship and young girl stuff.

idontlikealdi · 16/09/2021 10:27

So only people with the same level of 'experience' should be able to shag?

He was morally wrong if he was having an affair, what do you mean by the 'presumably platonic relationship' bit?

Are you the woman and pushing for a claim for getting sacked op?

Bargoed · 16/09/2021 10:28

It's meh - unless he got her fired

Ashitaka · 16/09/2021 10:29

Are you her, or her mum??

Piggy42 · 16/09/2021 10:30

Unless he had her fired I don’t see the problem.

Cheongfan · 16/09/2021 10:31

If you're talking about something like a partner/trainee solicitor relationship, I would agree completely inappropriate. Not technically 'wrong' but absolutely rife for it being an abuse of power and any sensible partner would steer away on that basis. Not least that if he was her supervisor his evaluation of her would have fed into whether or not she was retained as an NQ. This is irrespective of how naive she is. It wouldn't be ok if she was a 40 year old career changer in my book!

Of course it might not be law.

rwalker · 16/09/2021 10:32

Can't see an issue with any of it it just didn't work out

girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 10:35

OP what industry do they work in? Lots of posters are citing a power imbalance but I've never worked in a job where I've felt hugely inferior. I've always had good relationships with senior management and they've always been mutually respectful relationships.

Aprilx · 16/09/2021 10:35

@Lu781

Nothing specific in company policy against workplace relationships let se but would be likely to be frowned upon by professional governing body.
My own professional governing body (accountancy in my case) has never shown any interest in the romantic lives of members.
StoppoChoco · 16/09/2021 10:44

Agree with some other posters, there's a power imbalance and it looks like he's used his position in the hierarchy to have sex with a young woman.
Maybe professionally this is within company guidelines, but is just a bit eurghh... and I would privately judge him to be a bit of a slime ball.

GreenWillow · 16/09/2021 10:45

MN can be so weird sometimes, of course this relationship was inappropriate.

I’m guessing the woman was you OP?

Did the man make you so uncomfortable that you felt you had to leave?

This is precisely why relationships in which there is a significant imbalance of power are not appropriate.