fed up of sons girlfriend

[NoIdeaWhatItMeans]

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

I cannot imagine telling my parents at 15 that I want to move in with my boyfriend 'because it makes financial sense' they would still be laughing 20 years later.

15!? no way

This is a conversation between you and your partner only. Your son’s opinion is irrelevant. As is the 15 year old child’s. And quite frankly there must be some backstory with that child, that her parents are willing to allow her to move into another family’s home.

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

Right so a lot of you have said that I'm a doormat, even though asking for help on how to set boundaries suggests otherwise, surely? I don't appreciate the blatant disrespect from some posters.

That being said, it's late now and I'm off to bed. I'll have a think about the constructive advice and have a talk with DP tomorrow.

If the thread isn't deleted by pressure from raging troll hunters, I'll be able to give an update.

When you wake, NoIdea, please read all the posts since you were last here. Not everyone is anti-you, most are against the idea of you being coerced into something you don't want. There have been some good suggestions, you will see that when you read the posts.

I hope you slept well.

You sound absolutely batshit! What kind of household is this!?

You sound like the absolute stereotype of homeschoolers. Insular and a big odd.

Bit*

Thank you to those who have managed to give helpful information in a dignified manner. It's easier said than done to have told DS's girlfriend to leave or some such. At this point I feel I've got enough of it now to get my partner on my side when I talk to him later.

It's difficult to respond to everyone, the comments have really
piled on. I appreciate I'll need to answer some questions to
give a broader idea of the situation, but keep in mind that revealing too much makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because of the sorts of people that are on this thread.

There's a certain group who feel it's acceptable imply my apparent incompetence, say that I'm odd, troll hunt etc. I understand you're looking out for dc's safety but you're not behaving like civil adults. It's not right to make such far fetched assumptions about me, my partner and the 15 year old girls family life on the information I have given alone. And the girl clearly does know how to behave. I though it'd be enough to say that she's being a bully only to me, without going into details. If you haven't got experience in dealing with that, maybe move on.

It's not that I am confused with the age of consent. We're in
scotland. I just didn't want to specify that. I felt as though I might get people telling me they don't really 'count.' And at times I mispell words , forget to use capitals, don't construct sentences correctly get mixed up with the American version but it's done because I'm overly stressed at the time, that doesn't make me any less British.

You seem quite assertive here op. Bring some of that energy to your home life

What a horrendous situation for you OP..I kind of get what you meant about being adult though. My eldest presented a very adult front at that age and as such I tended to treat him as an adult. It did backfire though as he actually probably needed much stronger boundaries, hindsight is a wonderful thing though.

My main concern for you though is your partner. I think I would calmly state that if she moves in you and younger DC will have to move out. His unhealthy interest in having a unrelated child living in the house will attract safeguarding concern..disclaimers- not sure if it would but it is no more a moot point than underage kids living together.

OP also brought up how this girl dresses as one of the main issues so not sure how much I trust her account of how awful this child is

Anyone is entitled to dislike how someone else dresses and make assumptions based on that. I would not be ashamed to do this if my DS's happiness was at stake.

Can we ask in what ways she bullies and undermines you, OP?

Have you actually spoken to your partner? You said you “just know” he won’t listen to you as if you haven’t even tried to communicate with him about it because you’ve already made up your mind that he won’t listen.

How does the girl bully you? What does she wear?

Phone social services. I know you say there’s worse situations and cases out there that need dealt with but clearly your situation needs some 3rd party input because you and partner can’t resolve things responsibly.

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

Thank you to those who have managed to give helpful information in a dignified manner. It's easier said than done to have told DS's girlfriend to leave or some such. At this point I feel I've got enough of it now to get my partner on my side when I talk to him later.

It's difficult to respond to everyone, the comments have really
piled on. I appreciate I'll need to answer some questions to
give a broader idea of the situation, but keep in mind that revealing too much makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because of the sorts of people that are on this thread.

There's a certain group who feel it's acceptable imply my apparent incompetence, say that I'm odd, troll hunt etc. I understand you're looking out for dc's safety but you're not behaving like civil adults. It's not right to make such far fetched assumptions about me, my partner and the 15 year old girls family life on the information I have given alone. And the girl clearly does know how to behave. I though it'd be enough to say that she's being a bully only to me, without going into details. If you haven't got experience in dealing with that, maybe move on.

It's not that I am confused with the age of consent. We're in
scotland. I just didn't want to specify that. I felt as though I might get people telling me they don't really 'count.' And at times I mispell words , forget to use capitals, don't construct sentences correctly get mixed up with the American version but it's done because I'm overly stressed at the time, that doesn't make me any less British.

Actually OP you haven't answered any of the many questions you were asked.

There is no 'certain group' - you left out so much detail that no wonder people were confused and asked questions or queried what you said.

You have come back to this thread swinging punches OP, maybe you should take some of that gusto and tell EVERYONE in the house that you wont be allowing them to take the piss out of you anymore.

But honestly OP, two people could have wrote these posts as there is a huge difference from you last night to you this morning

@Evesgarden

that's actually very true 🌸

Surely its actually PLENTY that a woman decides she doesnt want her sons girlfriend moving in because she feels belittled and intimidated by her in her own home. She doesnt have to give examples. its actually quite clear cut. You dont get to just move in your girlfriend to your parents house against one of your parents wishes.
OP is clearly feeling outnumbered and uncomfortable and unable to make her voice heard, and that is a huge issue in the family dynamic.
If it was everyone else wanted a dog except OP then people would be quick enough to say that everyone needs to be on board.

OP, you are in a serious situation here. If this was happening to me, id feel like I was losing my mind. You sound like you feel really powerless in the situation and like your wishes are not given any respect. I dont think you can live like that. If those two want to live together then they need to save up and move out

@Branleuse

Surely its actually PLENTY that a woman decides she doesnt want her sons girlfriend moving in because she feels belittled and intimidated by her in her own home. She doesnt have to give examples. its actually quite clear cut. You dont get to just move in your girlfriend to your parents house against one of your parents wishes. OP is clearly feeling outnumbered and uncomfortable and unable to make her voice heard, and that is a huge issue in the family dynamic. If it was everyone else wanted a dog except OP then people would be quick enough to say that everyone needs to be on board.

OP, you are in a serious situation here. If this was happening to me, id feel like I was losing my mind. You sound like you feel really powerless in the situation and like your wishes are not given any respect. I dont think you can live like that. If those two want to live together then they need to save up and move out

If it was everyone else wanted a dog except OP then people would be quick enough to say that everyone needs to be on board

I don't think anyone has said that the girl should move in, in fact every one has supported OP. The issues were that the OPs posts were confusing and encouraged a lot more questions.

For eg, "it makes financial sense for her to move in'. Posters have asked why? Not a lot about this whole thread makes sense

Nothing I say will work? They don't listen to me.
Son and GF aside, why are you choosing to remain with a "partner" who shows you so little respect?

Sorry but this post is just getting more and more bizarre.. OP you haven't answered anybody's questions. Just kind of come on here all guns blazing..

NoIdea - all you have to say is, "If she moves in, I move out", and mean it! Start looking for somewhere to live whether it comes to that or not. Your family, the girlfriend and her parents (who I really do not understand - unless they hate her), are taking the piss.

Good luck.

OP you’re capable of running your mouth at people replying to your drivel, so simply do the same in your boyfriends house.

If you knew you didn't like her from the second you saw what she was wearing it's not shock she's not coming across the nicest to you. I guarantee she knows you judged her from the second you saw her and that's causing all the tension

@NowEvenBetter

OP you’re capable of running your mouth at people replying to your drivel, so simply do the same in your boyfriends house.

😂🤣

It really is easy to say no! You just say “no, that’s not happening”. Even if she was the most lovely girl in the world I still would not have my 16 year old sons girlfriend living with us!!

OP! you may or may not have seen my recent thread regarding a friend that wanted to move in with me. Others may remember this, too!

I felt similar, I didn't know how to say no.
I feel so empowered having done so, and haven't looked back! Don't let this girl rule the roost. It's your home and your space, definitely try your best to put your foot down and say no.
You can do this!

Op I've had my troubles with DS2 girlfriend.

I ended up banning her from the house altogether and it's been bliss.

Make a stand, ensure you are listened to and tell them you don't want her moving in.