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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of sons girlfriend

362 replies

NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:32

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

OP posts:
Eralos · 16/09/2021 14:03

I’d talk to your partner and explain how you feel and hopefully he’ll support you.

QueenBee52 · 16/09/2021 14:03

@islandhoppin

OP! you may or may not have seen my recent thread regarding a friend that wanted to move in with me. Others may remember this, too!

I felt similar, I didn't know how to say no.
I feel so empowered having done so, and haven't looked back! Don't let this girl rule the roost. It's your home and your space, definitely try your best to put your foot down and say no.
You can do this!

oh lord yes... how are you now ?

this was an awful situ.. glad you're still around 🌸

QueenBee52 · 16/09/2021 14:04

@DiaryofWimpyMumm

Op I've had my troubles with DS2 girlfriend.

I ended up banning her from the house altogether and it's been bliss.

Make a stand, ensure you are listened to and tell them you don't want her moving in.

you did great too 🌸

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2021 14:52

@ANameChangeAgain

No many posters are listening to what you are saying. This sounds as though you are in some sort of misogynistic nightmare. Basically you are living in your partners home and it's his home, his rules. He has given co-alpha power to your 16yo son, elevating him above his rightful child place before he is old enough, and you fall 3rd in line in power, with no rights, just a like it or leave position. The "men" of the house have sickeningly decided to move a 15 year old girl into this toxic mess and put her above you. I would be getting as far away from the lot of them as possible. You aren't just being bullied by the girl, you are being downtrodden by the whole rotten lot of them.
I really hope this is not true. But it does sound rather that way.

If you can be assertive like your post online, you can be irl @NoIdeaWhatItMeans. It sounds as though your partner expects concrete evidence and struggles to see life from others’ POV. Hopefully he is just saying yes for an easy life, because it may have been like that in his day and isn’t looking at the wider implications and now that you have some counter information, he will think more clearly. It would be interesting to see if he still thinks the same way when his dd is 15!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2021 14:55

Gosh yes, @islandhoppin. Your thread plus the threads I linked about the Australian girl, who is running rings round her increasingly desperate parents should be an inspiration to anyone not wanting to let themselves be taken advantage of.

Has your abusive ex friend gone silent?

Buttercup54321 · 16/09/2021 15:02

She is 15. Her parents still get child benefit for her. Their responsibility, not yours. I would definitely not let her move in.

islandhoppin · 16/09/2021 15:24

Thanks guys! I don't want to take over this thread, perhaps I will make a new one.
I am feeling much stronger now. Still having a little bit of trouble from her.

TimeForTeaAndG · 16/09/2021 15:48

I'm in Scotland as well, OP. I don't consider 16 yo to be technically an adult. Just cos they could legally get married, they still can't drive or buy alcohol or get a mortgage. They are not adults.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2021 15:54

Why are you allowing a teenage girl bully you in your own home, absolutely do not allow her to move in and also tell her she can't visit anymore unless she learns some manners

Marcee · 16/09/2021 15:58

Speak to your husband.

And the main gist will be it is non- negotiable. This girl cannot move in. He needs to be on- side.

Then the next step is breaking the news to your son. Regardless of what your son says the decision has been made and is not going to be revoked.

user1471538283 · 16/09/2021 16:01

They are not adults. If she is like this at home no wonder her parents are fine with her moving in.

But she is still legally a child. You have no say if anything happens to her. And she is treating your poorly.

She is not your responsibility and you do not want her in your home. If your DP does then he is completely responsible for it all and you do not lift a finger. He does the cooking, laundry, lifts, every single thing. If I were you I would threaten to move out.

Polkadots2021 · 16/09/2021 16:01

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

I know what's going on isn't ok, I just don't know how to enforce my boundaries when they don't listen to me. They're teenagers, particularly difficult ones when it comes to this and I feel like I can't make them do anything. Especially when partner owns the house and doesn't seem to mind the girlfriend, then again I'm the only one being bullied by her. Come on, what can I realistically do?
This could lead to a situation where your son is charged with statutory rape. Explain exactly what that means to him and that there are also SS implications for you if she moved in as she's only 15, you have to be her guardian, etc. Just say no, your house your rules.
dreamofaVWcamper · 16/09/2021 16:21

Christ, 15&16 shacked up together are you mad!
You're almost encouraging under age sex!
WTF must her parents make of it!

There's already tension there going by your post and you wish to ADD to it?!

Crazy idea

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/09/2021 16:29

I think people are struggling to understand the bullying aspect without examples, rather than them outright saying she can't really be bullying you. Examples would help put it in context and suggest ways you can shut it down and take control.

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 16/09/2021 16:39

DP isn't home from work yet so I still haven't been able to speak to him about it.

my sons girlfriends parents are paying for her transport and she visits several times a week. It must be costing them a small fortune, that's what I meant when I said it makes financial sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 16/09/2021 16:42

Honestly I've tried to shut the bullying down before but it just makes it worse. She does and says what she wants. She's almost 16 anyway, another reason I didn't think the police would take action. But I don't think that'll be necessary anyway once I've covered everything with DP

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 16/09/2021 16:51

I can't really understand how a visiting child is able to bully you in your own home.

Why don't you tell her to fuck off home?

If DP and DS want to live with her they can fuck off too.

Time for Big Girls Pants OP.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/09/2021 16:52

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

Honestly I've tried to shut the bullying down before but it just makes it worse. She does and says what she wants. She's almost 16 anyway, another reason I didn't think the police would take action. But I don't think that'll be necessary anyway once I've covered everything with DP
What sort of thing is she saying OP? It's really hard to know what to suggest without knowing even vaguely what shape this bullying is taking.
ManifestDestinee · 16/09/2021 16:52

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

Honestly I've tried to shut the bullying down before but it just makes it worse. She does and says what she wants. She's almost 16 anyway, another reason I didn't think the police would take action. But I don't think that'll be necessary anyway once I've covered everything with DP
She does and says what she wants because you let her! Don't let her in your house...job done.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/09/2021 16:53

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

Honestly I've tried to shut the bullying down before but it just makes it worse. She does and says what she wants. She's almost 16 anyway, another reason I didn't think the police would take action. But I don't think that'll be necessary anyway once I've covered everything with DP
If she's saying something the level of which is bullying and seems to feel untouchable, don't deal with her directly next time. Calmly call her parents and tell her they need to come and collect her as you won't be spoken to that way in your own home.
MrsTulipTattsyrup · 16/09/2021 16:54

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

DP isn't home from work yet so I still haven't been able to speak to him about it.

my sons girlfriends parents are paying for her transport and she visits several times a week. It must be costing them a small fortune, that's what I meant when I said it makes financial sense.

What would make financial sense would be for both of them to focus on their educations and stop all the travel! Presumably one or both of them is in an exam year so they shouldn’t have time to travel and spend time together several times a week. I think you need to get your son into college ASAP and focussed on the right things at the age of 16. What does he intend to do for work? How is he building towards a future?
cornishteas · 16/09/2021 16:59

When you do speak to your DP you need to ask him if he is prepared to be assessed as foster carers by children's services. As she is 16 this would count as a private fostering arrangement, however you would both need to be legally approved by children's services first.

thebabessavedme · 16/09/2021 16:59

OP, regardless of whose name the house is in, it is your home! and you are a grown woman! TELL them how it is going to be, they are still children, when they contribute to the running of said home then maybe they could have some say in what goes on in it, as it is they are a fucking long way away from that and they need to fucking well behave!

You must be either the most patient woman in the world or a bloody great doormat, I would have told them their fortune a long long time ago, the first time the little madam was rude in fact!

notacooldad · 16/09/2021 17:00

This could lead to a situation where your son is charged with statutory rape
This is hugely unlikely.
At best a CSE worker would do some work around consent but as shes nearly 16 and son is 16 it would be a complete waste of police time.
There's more than one way to skin a cat but going down the police route or talking about stat.rape isnt helpful. It will just escalate tensions in my opinion.

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 17:04

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

DP isn't home from work yet so I still haven't been able to speak to him about it.

my sons girlfriends parents are paying for her transport and she visits several times a week. It must be costing them a small fortune, that's what I meant when I said it makes financial sense.

It hardly makes financial sense for you and it would mean another (almost) adult in your home. You haven't said how much room you have, bathrooms, etc.

I think her parents are bonkers. Has anyone suggested your son moves in with them?

For goodness sakes, they are kids!

What does the girl actually say and do to bully you and does anybody else witness it? That is relevant.