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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of sons girlfriend

362 replies

NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:32

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

OP posts:
Spiindoctor · 16/09/2021 17:34

You really don't want this manipulative girl in your lives for the future.
Surely DP can realise that a bad relationship between you and DS's future partner is not what he wants to live with for the rest of your lives.
Can you imagine the bitching, point scoring, money demands? - A nightmare. Have you started discussing uni with DS and where he will go who will fund it?
Taking DCs to uni open days - if they have them during covid, really focusses their minds and forces them to realise they will have to stand on their own feet soon and it's wise it is somewhere they've chosen to be.

GalaPie · 16/09/2021 17:36

What do you think your dp would say if you told him you don't feel comfortable around her and you don't want her moving in? I feel that you believe he would still want her living with you. I sense you feel very much on your own in this.
But if my dp said anything other than 'nuff said, she's not moving in' I would be seriously reassessing where I stood with him.
You have to feel safe, supported and respected in your own cave.
And sod her parents finances. Not your circus, to coin a MN.
Just laugh and say no, not quite ready for that, only believe in one mistress to a house and that's me, one day perhaps....over my dead body, etc etc.

GalaPie · 16/09/2021 17:37

And I say that as someone who has her late teen DD's boyfriend living here (the lockdown lodger who never left....)

Cameleongirl · 16/09/2021 18:08

I'm not very fond of one of DD's friends , she's a mouthy girl and rolls her eyes when adults say something! So I've told DD that while they can meet up at her friend's house or elsewhere, I don't want her in my house. I just plain don't like her! DD moaned a bit, but she's accepted it (and tbh, I doubt this friendship will last long term, my DD has started saying that she's hard work).

Stand your ground, OP. You don't have to have difficult people in your house at all, even to visit.

Anonymous48 · 16/09/2021 18:28

I've got an adult son

No you don't. You have a 16 year old child. How can you not know this?

3luckystars · 16/09/2021 19:16

Makes financial sense FOR HER, not you. It makes NO SENSE for you and is not going to work. I think you need to put a stop to this fast.

GabriellaMontez · 16/09/2021 19:31

What does your partner say about the bullying?

He knows you don't want her to move in. Whats his response to this? If you suggest they limit her visits to 2x a week, what will happen? Is your son year 11?

You must see how odd this all sounds. Most adults, faced with repeated rudeness from a 15 year old would ask her to leave or issue a warning. But it seems you don't feel secure in the home you share with your partner or that he has your back. Is this the real root of it?

MadKittenWoman · 16/09/2021 19:44

16 is not an adult in the UK. Put on your big girl pants and tell them, partner included, that you will not be treated like this in your own home, regardless of who owns it.

winewolfhowls · 16/09/2021 20:02

Could you have a mental list of mn type phrases ready for her when she starts acting up, like that's not going to work for us today, i don't appreciate the tone in your voice, its time for you to head home etc.

QueenBee52 · 16/09/2021 20:07

You can also phone her Parents and tell them to send a taxi.. She's leaving ...

Glssr195726113493 · 16/09/2021 20:18

They’re both children, not adults.

It doesn’t sound like anyone is being successfully homeschooled, nor does it sound like there is any parenting going on, either of your son or his girlfriend.

This is a ludicrous situation.

MrsBobDylan · 16/09/2021 21:06

If you can't/won't say 'no', there is nothing you can do. Saying 'no' is setting boundaries.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 16/09/2021 21:24

Are you from a cultural background where serious relationships at a very young age are normal?

And what is this girl doing to make you feel bullied? DD has had a couple of unbearable friends over the years, but they've never made me feel bullied or intimidated, just really annoyed.

OhFFSMum · 16/09/2021 21:38

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PumpkinsGalore · 16/09/2021 21:56

@Rogue1001

I wonder why these children are homeschooled?
Why is that any of your business?!?!?! It's also totally irrelevant!
PumpkinsGalore · 16/09/2021 22:03

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Driftingblue · 16/09/2021 23:08

I don’t understand the inability to set rules in your own home. No, you can’t physically control your 16 year old son. You can turn off the internet, limit financial support to bare necessities, and take away anything you have provided for him that is not essential. If you want her out of your house you tell her to leave or she will be trespassing. If your partner won’t back you up on that, then why are you with your partner?

Spiindoctor · 17/09/2021 07:01

Why is that any of your business?!?!?! It's also totally irrelevant!

Well, if the DS decided he didn't like school and wasn't going so OP agreed to home school then it demonstrates how much control he had in the past. It depends on the reasons

Ayeayeayeaye · 17/09/2021 12:51

“16 is not an adult in the UK.”

The U.K. has different legal systems. Adulthood generally in Scotland (where the OP lives) is 16 because parental rights and responsibilities end at this age. You can marry at this age, vote (in Scottish elections), enter the workforce full time.

(drinking/smoking age still 18)

Adulthood in England is 18 because this is the age here parental r+rs end.

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 17/09/2021 13:27

DP agrees with me, but there's the worry of my son deciding to move in with the girlfriend. At 16 he can, but he's got ASN and is vulnerable. I believe he's made poor judgement deciding to become involved with this girl. Whilst we obviously don't want to fall out with him and push him into moving out, the bullying from his girlfriend has got to stop. Suggestions have been made on how to shut it down, and dp has said he wants to back me up but we know ds will want to take his girlfriends side and that might push him away

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 17/09/2021 13:33

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

DP agrees with me, but there's the worry of my son deciding to move in with the girlfriend. At 16 he can, but he's got ASN and is vulnerable. I believe he's made poor judgement deciding to become involved with this girl. Whilst we obviously don't want to fall out with him and push him into moving out, the bullying from his girlfriend has got to stop. Suggestions have been made on how to shut it down, and dp has said he wants to back me up but we know ds will want to take his girlfriends side and that might push him away
Realistically how would he move out with her? Nobody is going to rent a flat to a 16 and 15 year old who have no income.
Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 17/09/2021 13:34

To the girlfriends house? I thought that would be obvious

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 17/09/2021 13:41

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

DP agrees with me, but there's the worry of my son deciding to move in with the girlfriend. At 16 he can, but he's got ASN and is vulnerable. I believe he's made poor judgement deciding to become involved with this girl. Whilst we obviously don't want to fall out with him and push him into moving out, the bullying from his girlfriend has got to stop. Suggestions have been made on how to shut it down, and dp has said he wants to back me up but we know ds will want to take his girlfriends side and that might push him away

Not a flippin chance HER parents are gonna let Him move into their home!? hahahaaa they're thinking they are getting shot of the Daughter saving tons.. NO WAY are they letting Him move in... they're not mugs 🤣

PollyPepper · 17/09/2021 13:50
Confused
Thesearmsofmine · 17/09/2021 14:00

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

To the girlfriends house? I thought that would be obvious
Why so rude? From the sounds of her family want to offload her so I doubt they would welcome your son in their home.