fed up of sons girlfriend

[NoIdeaWhatItMeans]

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

Don't be ridiculous, seriously, I've never heard such a load of tosh in my life.

USA:
The legal age of consent varies from 16 to 18 years old from state to state across the United States. In some states, a "close in age exemption" exists to decriminalize consensual sex between two individuals who are both under the age of consent.

UK:
In the UK, the legal age to have sex with consent is 16. The law is there to protect children and is not there to prosecute two people under the age of 16 who engage in mutually consensual sexual activity. However, in the interests of protecting younger children, anyone aged under 13 is not able to legally give consent, even if proof of the consent is shown in court.

The courts either in the UK or USA aren't really interested in two young people of a similar age having consensual sex. If the OP is in America as some have suggested, many States have 'Romeo and Juliet' clauses which cover this situation.

Weird post though. More background would be good.

It doesn’t ‘make sense’ on any level to let a 15 year old girl move in to your house. Absolutely no way.

I do think you need to start behaving like an adult though and pull her up when she starts. Of course she wants to move in-she has it cushty-if it is going to happen then have the conversation-right, as you are going to be a member of the household then these are the rules how we live by-which includes not being rude to me etc etc

@MrsSkylerWhite

She’s 15. I’m no expert but I believe at 16 your son could be charged with statutory tape if they are sleeping together (no doubt wiser respondents can advise). If that is the case, you don’t want to be party to that, surely? Just, no.

Technically off a bit but in essence correct. A 15-year old is assumed by law as being unable to give consent but the charge is not rape it is "sexual activity with a child" which is treated less severely but still not something you'd want to go through (it's rape if the child is under 13). I have no idea however how many of these cases are actually pursued - the 15/16 scenario must be very common.

How have you let them convince you it makes ‘financial sense’ for her to move in? This is totally insane. You are being railroaded and you need to take back control of the situation and fast. Say ‘under absolutely no circumstances is this child moving into our house or I’m moving out’
Don’t let them walk over you anymore. Good luck.

Why are the parents of this 15 year old child happy to let her move hours away to live with a family they don’t even know?! Have they said how much they’ll pay you for giving their child food & board? When their child needs new clothes, toiletries etc. will they be paying?

Put a stop to this now OP for the sake of your DS.

Don't let the girl move in. If you do, you will be unwittingly facilitating the consolidation of a relationship that will harm him as she doesn't appear to be a good person overall. He deserves better.

You haven't described any intolerable behaviour from the girl, you just seem jealous everyone likes her and listens to her. Is that the real issue?

@QueenBee52

OP you are giving very little or zero information about the family dynamic.. you are ignoring every poster asking the most obvious and relevant questions..

Who owns the house ?

Is your Partner your Sons Father?

Why is your Partner so keen for this teenager to move in ?

Who is financially supporting this move ?

Why are you so reluctant to stand your ground?

Are you afraid you will be left homeless ?

Who supports you in life ?

This right here ☝🏻

‘But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?’

Of course you can OP. It’s your home and your child (not an adult yet as others have also pointed out). Take back control now and do not let this girl move in. What the hell is wrong with her parents that they would let this happen at 15? It is completely wrong for children of this age to be having a live in relationship.

Your partner is the problem here, he needs to respect you and your home. Is DS his son too?

Imagine that you wanted to move a cousin that he didn't like and was horrible to him, he said no, and you overruled him. How would he feel?

You talk as if the decision is made by general council including you, DP, DS, girlfriend and her parents. That's not how it works, this is your house. The decision is for you and your partner to make together. What DS, girlfriend and her parents think is completely irrelevant.

@Itstheprinciple, thanks for the explanation of the law on age of consent - very helpful.

You haven't described any intolerable behaviour from the girl, you just seem jealous everyone likes her and listens to her. Is that the real issue?

I agree, what on earth is so bad about this girl?

@EllieNBeeb

You haven't described any intolerable behaviour from the girl, you just seem jealous everyone likes her and listens to her. Is that the real issue?

@EllieNBeeb - in the first post the OP said the girl is “passive aggressive to her, is rude and a bully” - doesn’t that sound like fairly intolerable behaviour or would you be happy to put up with someone else’s 15 year old treating you like that in your own home?

If you are railroad in to the scenario where the gf lives with you I would be quoting the highglited passage below to your partner and telling him to deal with social service visits. I would be saying once Social Services are involved the spotlight will be on your family as you are now officially caring for someone elses child.Ask him does he want that responsibility. He probably doesn't.

It is imperative that the local authority are notified if a child is living with someone who is not their parent or a 'connected person' for longer than 28 days. The local authority need to be satisfied that the placement is suitable and the child is safe.1 Feb 2021

Im just wondering what brand of homeschooling is going on here. I home educated for a period and met a wide range - from the very organised 'school at home' but with flexcibility, bought in tutors, and playing to a childs strengths, to the complete 'unschooling' where the children were at age 10 unruly and dictating to the household. If the unschooling method has extended into teenage and the child has directed his own life to thios point, I could imagine that it may become pretty dienfranchising for any adult who suddenly feels WTF and realises they have lost control.

maybe the son is telling her that he is now an adult, hence OP believing it to be so

So in regards the homeschooling, Im assuming he is taking exams this year? Or looking at going to college. If he is nearing adulthood is he prepared to enter the workplace in his chosen field? because surely this is the point of home ed, as opposed to mainstream, unless there are MH or ND reasons he couldnt cope - the chance to learn and find your passion, and immerse yourself in it ready to either be self employed or enter the industry at a level comparative or higher than those following the contemporary route?

sorry, posted too soon

I suspect the unschool method may be at play here, because to be honest a mum who has been that invested in educating a child to the best of all resources and opportunities means a huge commitment and drive, and generally those kinds of relationships seem to be based on trust and respect. And they wouldnt be letting someone else move in that might jeopodise their childs education.

OP sounds really passive. The son seems to hold equal power here. And able to make huge decisions about what happens in his home. Children, and he is still a child, shouldnt be given that amount of power.

if you said to your partner and son, "look, im unhappy with the amount of time Penelope is staying here, shes actually quite rude to me a lot of the time and making me feel uncomfortable in my own home and you all seem to be oblivious to it, and its time you opened your eyes and saw that she treats me a lot different to how she treats the males. If she moves in then im moving out.

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans - I’m sorry, I’m guilty of not having read all your follow up posts before I posted my response. I think you just have to try and make your partner and son see how damaging this could be, what happens if/when they break up? I would be very worried about such an intense relationship at this age. Good luck, I hope your voice is heard.

in the first post the OP said the girl is “passive aggressive to her, is rude and a bully” - doesn’t that sound like fairly intolerable behaviour or would you be happy to put up with someone else’s 15 year old treating you like that in your own home?

Yeah, OP also brought up how this girl dresses as one of the main issues so not sure how much I trust her account of how awful this child is.

Will you get the tax credits or children’s benefit for her too now? It all seems a mad to me. You can’t just go along with your 16 year olds idea.

OP you've expressed annoyance at everyone telling you to just say no, but really, that's the only advice that makes any sense. What do you expect people to say?

You've said that nobody listens to you - so what happens when you say no, she's not moving in? Presumably she hasn't moved in yet, so actually they are listening to you because it's not happened?

Have you had a proper sit down chat with DP and asked what the hell he's thinking encouraging this? If not, do it! Tell him that the LA would need to register it as a private fostering arrangement, that you would be responsible for her education and finances, that she would be living as a child in your home, meaning a relationship with DS would surely be inappropriate.

Tell him it ends now. I personally wouldn't even be allowing the sleepovers, but...

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is

No, he isn't. He's a child. So is she. You sound completely unable to parent at all. Just say no, ffs.

At 15 she's still very much a child , it'd be a no to moving in and don't let yourself get bullied into it. I can't believe her parents would be ok with it , what happens when they fall out or break up will she still be your responsibility.