AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

[kravestix]

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

@RedskyThisNight ah...I didn't spot the 6 hours thing 😂😂. Ok 6 hours is definitely too much to ask OP. Moving away 30mins/1 hour is acceptable but not 6 hours. As someone else has said why do you think that particular place is the one for you? Surely a compromise of a much closer place would also achieve what you want whilst allowing your husband to still see his children?

@HalzTangz

OP after reading your other posts I question how genuine this post is.

According to a post you wrote 3 Weeks ago you stated your DM was a wonderful woman who is great with your son, yet in this post you say she's totally toxic and one of the main reasons you want to move. So is she lovely or is she toxic.

You and your husband seems to live separate lives whilst living together, you prefer holidays alone, than a family holiday which includes his other children.

I think you don't want his other kids as part of your family and want him to move far away so he ultimately loses that contact, and you then get your annual foreign holiday

I feel bad saying but aslo have looked at other threads. You're also unhappy with him re holidays as you want them to be about what you want rather than as you say 'fun, fun, fun' for children, and would rather than a Eurocamp family holiday, you took your dc on your own to Greece or somewhere and the 3yo could go to a kids club for care, however when dh said he didn't feel safe with dc in the kids club you'd leave dc at home and go on a solo tour of Thailand? You do seem to be always looking for 'the next big thing' and lots of highs or lows only. However I do say in your favour you have acknowledged this!

I think you seem really unhappy but also really uncertain about what would make you happy. Like other posters I strongly suggest you try some therapy. I think you need to figure out why you are so fixated on day dreams and escape and i think there's a strong chance there's something like ADHD going on. I also think there's a strong chance that you got together when you were super young, rushed into having kids and now feel trapped and that, actually, leaving might be the right thing for you. You don't sound compatible with this much older man and you are so young. I met my partner as a similar age to you and I'm a decade older than you. we're still together and are now settled with kids in a coastal town (though much cheaper than dover). But at 25? we lived in a shitty flat in a big city, we had bugger all money but we were out getting qualifications, figuring out our careers and going on holidays new places. You can;t fully get your youth back but maybe if you got your degree and moved away with shared custody you can get a better job and have some of those adventures with a new partner or on your own when yours DS is with his dad. You just sound SO unhappy and trapped.

@bravelittlepenguin HNRTT but would your DH definitely move if four? of his five? DC would be left 6? hours behind, especially if he were reasonably certain the move wouldn't make you happy.

IME, the majority of the posts where the ex-DH meets a new DW and moves far away and loses contact with his previous DC are scathing of his choices. There seem to be many posts (though arguably not a representative sample as happy people don't tend to post) by the adult DC who were abandoned in this way with adverse life-long effects. The mothers of the DC could legitimately say the new wife knew there were existing DC and in effect married the new DH understanding the DH couldn't follow his new wife's happiness without there being adverse consequences on the existing DC.

You need to get some friends.

Every single woman that comes on here and complains of being miserable always says 'i have no friends, i don't do anything' - that's the key to happiness. A full, well-rounded life that revolves around you, not your kids or your partner.

How are you going to go to uni if you move 6 hours away?

OP, lists are a useful way of ordering your thoughts sometimes.

1 - list the advantages of the 6hr away destination
2 - list any disadvantages of above
3 - list the advantages of current location
4 - list disadvantages current location

Then work on ways of minimizing disadvantages in both locations and getting the advantages of the one location in the other. After a few days spent on this task, you may have more insights.

No judgement. You were very young and met a much older man. Generational differences are a thing, and I guess you are tired of being 'parented'. Normal.

You wanted him to move 6 hours away from his children, shame on you for even asking that. It's so unbelievably selfish of you.

@kravestix - could you sit down with your dh and tell him how unhappy you are, and explain that you understand why he can't leave his children and parents, and you aren't either going to issue an ultimatum or move away, but that there needs to be some compromise from him, to help alleviate the way you are feeling?

Personally, I think him agreeing to you getting a dog and/or chickens would be a very reasonable compromise. You are making a massive compromise by staying, even though you are not happy, and this seems like the least he could do.

@thisplaceisweird

You need to get some friends.

Every single woman that comes on here and complains of being miserable always says 'i have no friends, i don't do anything' - that's the key to happiness. A full, well-rounded life that revolves around you, not your kids or your partner.

Exactly this! Their real, everyday lives are often narrow and lacking in the kind of multiple connections with other people (outside of immediate family) which often give life its spark and interest. I'd be bloody miserable living in a mansion in Malibu with Brad Pitt as my neighbour if I had no friends to have a laugh, a moan or a shared experience with.

@Zilla1 nope- see my latest post- id missed the 6 hour part. I definitely agree that's too far from your children. Having said that there seems to be a great deal of compromises these two can make before they get to the drastic measure of her moving 6 hours away and him effectively breaking up with her and not seeing his son (as others have said).

I got the dog despite my exh's eye rolling, and now get to pay the vet's bills on my new income as a divorcee living alone.
OP has already said " I can't afford to move away by myself" so I am guessing money could be tight if they do break up.
Maybe this comment is just him trying to get her to stop moaning, but even if that really is all it is, the relationship sounds strained.

Then @kravestix why on earth has he said no to a pet then?

I can see the moving and I sense that even that wont make you happy. But if you will commit and it would I think make you happy why has he said no.

If you said that a dog would make you happy what would he say.

I remember your previous posts as well and I can never quite get to the bottom of the dynamic and whether it is healthy and who causes it not to be

But I know deep down, if DH let me have a dog, a few months later, I'd need something else to make me happy and complete life, to move house or to quite my job. DH says to me, I'm never happy and always want more.

I think I would find it quite upsetting and unsettling having a partner who was always looking for new ways to be happy and was never really content. Maybe it's just me, I would find it hard knowing they weren't ever really happy.

OP doesn't really want a dog either though But I know deep down, if DH let me have a dog, a few months later, I'd need something else to make me happy and complete life, to move house or to quite my job.

I do get what you are saying @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius but how can the DH ever make a compromise when OP wants something else as soon as she gets what she's asked for?

@Fraine

A 33yo getting together with an 18yo? That does put a different light on it.

Ah. Yes that does put a different spin on it as I imagine OP never had the chance to do a lot of things most people have the freedom to do in their 20s and has kind of simultaneously had to play grown up earlier than most but also perhaps not developed and matured like we tend to do in our 20s.

I personally think that a man in his 30s getting together with an 18 year old can't be a particularly well adjusted person. Especially if they already have children which I imagine makes an 18 year old firmly in the 'not really an adult' category for them.

Men in their 30s who have relationships with teenagers have, in my personal experience of friends and family, enjoyed the power dynamic. Not in a healthy way.

Xpost with raven there!

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Personally, I think him agreeing to you getting a dog and/or chickens would be a very reasonable compromise. You are making a massive compromise by staying, even though you are not happy, and this seems like the least he could do

Op admits that if she gets a dog, chicmens or tortoise it won't go well. She admits that she thinks these things will make her happy but also knows in a few months she will be miserable again.

Animals shouldn't be purchased to give someone a temporary high who admits they are wishy washy and always looking g for the next big thing.

It sounds like the dh has said no, because he knows within a few months she will have lost total interest. And the thing they have that she claimed was definitely going to make her happy, isn't doing and she is claiming something else will.

And I wonder whose job looking after the animals wi be when she has lost interest.

It will be interesting to see if op finishes Uni and uses it for a career, or decided half way through she fancies doing something else. I hope she does, as she may learn some valuable lessons.

@EspressoDoubleShot

So stop being whimsical and day dreaming of mythical better times It’s not practical, it won’t happen, make best of what You have. Here and now

This.

Anyone who thinks this thread is about moving or where they live or the DH has completely misunderstood the situation. OP clearly has some significant personal issues that she needs help with--she wants to move 6 hours, then she wants to do a degree, then she loves her mother, then she wants another baby, then she wants these animals, then she wants to be in Thailand, then she hates her mother... It has nothing to do with where she lives, the issue is she is having difficulties just dealing with her life in a rational way, it sounds like she has issues with impulses as well as massive highs and lows that cause her to do things without thinking through the consequences.

You say you have no friends. If you grew up there, you probably do, there must be people there you know, and some of them must be nice, simple law of averages.

I had no friends in the area I grew up in. I'm sure some of the people there were lovely, but I didn't know any of them. I would never choose to move back there.

@Flowers500

Anyone who thinks this thread is about moving or where they live or the DH has completely misunderstood the situation. OP clearly has some significant personal issues that she needs help with--she wants to move 6 hours, then she wants to do a degree, then she loves her mother, then she wants another baby, then she wants these animals, then she wants to be in Thailand, then she hates her mother... It has nothing to do with where she lives, the issue is she is having difficulties just dealing with her life in a rational way, it sounds like she has issues with impulses as well as massive highs and lows that cause her to do things without thinking through the consequences.

Agreed, even if the partner jumped at the chance to move away - which would be very much the wrong thing to do - the OP would be bringing her personal struggles and inability to navigate life and find contentment with her. She has to try and grow where she's planted first.

Dh just doesn't like dogs and the associated care involved. I want one.

Who will look after your dog when you start your uni course OP or when you've moved 6 hrs away? Especially when you are going for your travels around Thailand/other child free hols abroad.
Of course would expect your DH to care for dc, but the dog too?