Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 13 14 15

Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

351 replies

kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:10

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

Flowers500 · 16/09/2021 13:15

@MichelleScarn

Who will look after your dog when you start your uni course OP or when you've moved 6 hrs away? Especially when you are going for your travels around Thailand/other child free hols abroad. Of course would expect your DH to care for dc, but the dog too?

Exactly this. Have you ever been assessed or sought any advice OP? This chaos and inability to manage life are seriously affecting you but there is help out there.

steff13 · 16/09/2021 13:17

@Flowers500

Anyone who thinks this thread is about moving or where they live or the DH has completely misunderstood the situation. OP clearly has some significant personal issues that she needs help with--she wants to move 6 hours, then she wants to do a degree, then she loves her mother, then she wants another baby, then she wants these animals, then she wants to be in Thailand, then she hates her mother... It has nothing to do with where she lives, the issue is she is having difficulties just dealing with her life in a rational way, it sounds like she has issues with impulses as well as massive highs and lows that cause her to do things without thinking through the consequences.

This exactly. The OP is never going to be satisfied, even if her husband were to acquiesce to all of her demands, because there's something within in her that needs to be addressed. I'd be exhausted if I were married to someone like that.

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 13:18

@MichelleScarn

I wouldn't expect DH to do any care of the dog. Obviously if I had one, it's a big commitment, I wouldn't be able to go abroad.

OP posts:

VallarMorghulis · 16/09/2021 13:26

Hi OP, have you thought of getting assessed for neurodivergence? The things you describe, about fantasising and changing your mind, remind me of what my son who has ADHD says. I am autistic and can be a bit like that too, for instance every time I take up a new hobby I fantasise about making a career out of it

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 13:32

@VallarMorghulis

Oh, I know that one! I drove past an ambulance yesterday and imagined myself being a paramedic. Then I thought about phoning the Uni up and asking to change my course with the intention of becoming a paramedic.

All because I drove past an ambulance!

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/09/2021 13:33

@andyoldlabour

As a bloke, I would choose wife over friends and family every time.

Presumably not over your existing children from a previous relationship though?

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 13:34

Also, despite my strong desire to move, I actually really love my house. We have poured blood, sweat and tears into it and made it a lovely home that we all enjoy being in. So, love the house, hate the area. Although, I do wish we had a bigger garden. For all these fantasy chickens and dogs I want but aren't allowed!

OP posts:

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 13:35

@kravestix

Just wish I could keep it tidy and clean. I have no energy or motivation and just woke up from a nap.

OP posts:

Hekatestorch · 16/09/2021 13:51

Op, again you need soen professional support and unless you seek it you will be eternally miserable.

You want a dog and say you think it will make you happy. But also know in a few months you will back on the same place. The new shine will have worn off your dog and you will want to move/get chickens/ travel abroad or whatever the new thing is. Having a dog, won't all of a sudden make you not want to travel or move. Then you will resent the dog because any imaginary situation would be definitely off the table.

If you can't focus on something and have no motivation how are you expecting to complete uni?

You seem to think these quirks are funny or cute. But also hurt because your husband has given up and told you to go. There's seems to be no understanding, that your husband is willing to split and let you move rather than stay in this situation.

I don't think your husband is innocent in this. I think when he dated an 18 year old he should have expected alot of this.

But he knows all these things wont make you happy. He knows nothing will, but I suspect he is getting tired of you jumping from one thing to the next expecting the next thing to be thing that makes your life happy. Then the next thing is definitely what will make you happy.

Its quite exhausting listening to someone saying 'if only I could do x, then I would be happy' when X is totally unrealistic or its the 1000th time, you have heard it

Wether it's depression, autism, bpd or whatever, you need professional support.

Because in a few years, I suspect you will have worked yourself into a position where you are well and truly miserable with how your life turned out.

I probably seem really harsh, but op you are heading into a disaster of your own making and I don't think you seem to grasp it.

Rainbowshit · 16/09/2021 14:03

@Hekatestorch

Op, I mean this kindly, but I think you may need some sort of professional support.

You can have nice experiences and pleasure.

Its likely you will move and then find you aren't happy again. Because this unhappiness comes from inside yourself, probably over the problems with your family.

It sounds like you want to run away, hopi g that's solves your problem. You can have pleasure and nice experiences wherever you live. And your problems will just love with you.

Absolutely agree with this. You are being very unfair to your DH.

Sometimes you have to make your own happiness, and your obsessing with moving being the only solution is probably a blocker to happiness.

If you can't move then you need to try and make peace with that and get on with making happiness where you are.

Mymapuddlington · 16/09/2021 14:11

@kravestix
You are SO MUCH like me it’s crazy.

From my experience you want to move because it’s a fresh start, more opportunities, better way of life etc but you will find you can’t leave yourself behind and in a few years or less when the house is messy, you’re bored because you’ve finished decorating, you’ve not joined any clubs or made friends, you’ll want to move again.

The uni/moving/dogs/chickens is because you’re not facing something. It’s to distract you and keep you busy so you don’t actually have to face yourself. I would hazard a guess that you’re not where you wanted to be in life and not who you wanted to be so these plans and daydreams and ideas you think will magically make you who you want to be in a happy life but it never happens.

I’ve been running away from myself since I was a small child. You have to face it and make small steps to improve the life you have, not chase the life you think you want.

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 14:12

If you love your house so much but cannot keep it clean and tidy (it isn't just your job to do that, which I am sure you know), employ someone to come in and clean once a fortnight. It won't break the bank, I used to have that and wasn't at all well off. It was definitely worth it.

How would you manage with pets, especially chickens? They take quite a bit of work and all pets are expensive, particularly when they need medical attention.

I hope I don't offend you by saying that you sound very, very young.

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 14:14

andyoldlabour

As a bloke, I would choose wife over friends and family every time.
......
Not over your children, I hope.

DeeCeeCherry · 16/09/2021 14:21

When they got together OP was 18 and he was 33. She was a teenager.

Problems around different life stages aren't always apparent earlier on, but they always come to light eventually.

I can understand why you're restless OP. & Likely bored. The unhappy part of you knows what you need to do to be happier. But until you address that properly and honestly, you'll remain unhappy.

You need to move on, in several ways. 1st thing, social life so your DH and his family aren't your only social outlet. Think about what you really want to do

AquaPandora · 16/09/2021 14:55

@Aprilx

I am wondering if you have only presented half a story here. He hasn’t said he is leaving you, he has said if you go he won’t stop you. I presume he has not said this out of the blue.

agreed. Also, the I dont have any friends.... at the place you grew up? That is.... a bit unusual.

Are there any unresolved issues between his former family and your new family with him? As you all live at the same area, maybe there are some issues how he got with you? (sorry for assuming, it is just the way it goes in smaller communities)

LoislovesStewie · 16/09/2021 14:57

Actually this could be my DH; he has autism and unless he can find 'new' things becomes bored easily. In the past he has insisted on moving because things in his life weren't perfect, and it took me a while to understand that it was his condition that caused the restlessness, nothing else.

LemonFantaGin · 16/09/2021 15:41

OP if owning a pet isn't realistic, can you get in touch with a local rescue and see if they need help a few hours a week, walking some dogs etc.

Mymapuddlington · 16/09/2021 15:41

Do you have any hobbies?

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 16:32

@Mymapuddlington

Do you have any hobbies?

Solitary ones, yes.

OP posts:

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 16:34

@Plumtree391

How would you manage with pets, especially chickens? They take quite a bit of work and all pets are expensive, particularly when they need medical attention.

I hope I don't offend you by saying that you sound very, very young.

I've booked a home valuation for tomorrow to motivate me to sort the house out. I was in full swing and then got a call from Nursery. DS had an accident and I had to pick him up.

I do already have pets. Two cats. They are well looked after and loved. But I would like more animals. They make me very happy.

OP posts:

Mymapuddlington · 16/09/2021 16:36

Is there any groups near you where you can share your hobbies? If not could you create one? You can also make friends online with others who like the same things. I’ve made really amazing sewing and artist friends online through Instagram and Facebook

Quartz2208 · 16/09/2021 16:37

Oh Op you are seeking happiness in the wrong places. Taking out your relationship with your DH pets are no more going to solve this than moving is.

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 16:38

@Quartz2208

Oh Op you are seeking happiness in the wrong places. Taking out your relationship with your DH pets are no more going to solve this than moving is.

Pets do make me very happy though. Nothing makes me happier than having a cuddle with my cats. I absolutely adore them.

OP posts:

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 16:40

DeeCeeCherry Thu 16-Sep-21 14:21:29
When they got together OP was 18 and he was 33. She was a teenager.
........
I didn't know that though, from her posts, I might have guessed. She does seem very, very young.

If you have cats, op, it would hardly be fair to introduce a dog and the cats would go for the chickens.

I hesitate to tell you what you need but I don't think it is more pets. Many a child has whined, "Mum, why can't we have a dog?".

Doing things away from home might be a good idea. Presumably your uni course will help with that.

I always thought Dover was quite nice when I visited it. My husband was fond of a place called 'Kingsdown'.

Wherever you go you have to take yourself with you.

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 16:40

@Mymapuddlington

Ah, I do have some online friends through a hobby I do online. I've made some lovely friends through that. My closest friend who I made online lives in Denmark sadly. Most of them are abroad.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 13 14 15

Swipe left for the next trending thread