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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

351 replies

kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:10

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
kravestix · 16/09/2021 16:45

@Plumtree391

DeeCeeCherry Thu 16-Sep-21 14:21:29 When they got together OP was 18 and he was 33. She was a teenager. ........ I didn't know that though, from her posts, I might have guessed. She does seem very, very young.

If you have cats, op, it would hardly be fair to introduce a dog and the cats would go for the chickens.

I hesitate to tell you what you need but I don't think it is more pets. Many a child has whined, "Mum, why can't we have a dog?".

Doing things away from home might be a good idea. Presumably your uni course will help with that.

I always thought Dover was quite nice when I visited it. My husband was fond of a place called 'Kingsdown'.

Wherever you go you have to take yourself with you.

Oh, yes, I'm fond of Kingsdown. There's a lovely beach there and I spend a lot of time swimming in the sea there. There's some lovely houses right on the sea front. Too expensive sadly but maybe one day!

You're probably right about the pets. I just bloody love animals so much! I really miss having a dog and I remember when I lived with DM and we had to introduce a cat to our dog. Cat ending up ruling the roost and poor ddog did his best to avoid dcat so he didn't get a swipe! I don't think my cats would go for a chicken. But again, I could be wrong on that.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 16/09/2021 16:54

Whats your budget and house type OP?

Hekatestorch · 16/09/2021 17:00

A dog, especially a puppy or even an older rescue, are far more work and binding that cats.

I know what you mean about bringing you happiness. My dogs do bring me happiness. But they need far more from me. It's alot of work.

Its not just cuddles.

user1471442488 · 16/09/2021 17:02

@BrendaBubbles

I was in a similar situation but the other way around. My second DH had ambitions to move to a better area a distance away and I decided to move with him and my two eldest DC went to live with their father in the old location. I thought it best to focus more on my child in the active marriage rather than focus on the past so much. It worked out.
Ugh….
callmeadoctor · 16/09/2021 17:10

OP, give us a budget and what size house you need. We will find you a house in a decent spot. Near enough to all the children.

Original poster
kravestix · 16/09/2021 17:11

@callmeadoctor

Whats your budget and house type OP?
Getting a valuation tomorrow so not sure on budget. We paid 180k for it 2 years ago. Have done a lot of improvements and prices have gone up too so not sure what itll be now. It's a 3 bed.
OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 16/09/2021 17:23

Ok Mumsnetters (particularly anyone that lives in a nice place) commuting distance to Dover, we need a 3 bed house for Op maybe 200k or thereabouts.

RantyAunty · 16/09/2021 17:25

How old are his DC?

Original poster
kravestix · 16/09/2021 17:29

@RantyAunty

How old are his DC?
Youngest 11. Eldest 18. Other two in between.
OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/09/2021 17:29

@callmeadoctor

Ok Mumsnetters (particularly anyone that lives in a nice place) commuting distance to Dover, we need a 3 bed house for Op maybe 200k or thereabouts.
Why? Moving is not what the problem really is at all. There is no point doing that until the actual problem of eternal dissatisfaction and ever changing wants is sorted out.
Hekatestorch · 16/09/2021 17:33

[quote callmeadoctor]www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/98051489#/?channel=RES_BUY[/quote]
Op wants dogs and cats and chickens and a bigger garden.

The issue isn't where she lives or even her toxic parent, who she often actually gets on with and isn't toxic.

Or is this exercise meant to be showing her can't move?

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 17:51

I looked on Rightmove at Deal and couldn't see anything that cheap. Surely £200k isn't her budget?

The op's problems are more than where she lives and, if she moved, she'd still be dissatisfied.

butterpuffed · 16/09/2021 17:59

The book you're writing , OP , what's it about ? Is it connected to your hopes and wants ?

RantyAunty · 16/09/2021 18:00

OP I read through your other thread.
It seems to me your pretty much went from life with your mum to your husband.

Please don't listen to any of these people saying there is something wrong with you. There isn't.
You haven't had much of a chance to experience life that much.

You mentioned going to Uni. What are you planning to study?
I was thinking if you got a TEFL, you could teach English in another country like Thailand.

Original poster
kravestix · 16/09/2021 18:01

@butterpuffed

The book you're writing , OP , what's it about ? Is it connected to your hopes and wants ?
Nothing to do with me or anything I want. Complete work of fiction. Witches. Dark relationships. That kind of thing.
OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 16/09/2021 18:03

I was thinking if you got a TEFL, you could teach English in another country like Thailand.

With her son? So she is gutted the dh said he would let her move 6 hours away and she doesn't want to do that. But moving to Thailand?

Wouldn't you need to speak more than English?

Does op speak Thai?

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 18:04

@RantyAunty

OP I read through your other thread. It seems to me your pretty much went from life with your mum to your husband.

Please don't listen to any of these people saying there is something wrong with you. There isn't.
You haven't had much of a chance to experience life that much.

You mentioned going to Uni. What are you planning to study?
I was thinking if you got a TEFL, you could teach English in another country like Thailand.

I didn't know the op wanted to move that far away!

Op, I'm glad the topic of your novel does not reflect you and your life in any way :-).

What are you going to study at uni?

Hekatestorch · 16/09/2021 18:08

Nothing to do with me or anything I want. Complete work of fiction. Witches. Dark relationships. That kind of thing.

I would buy that!

Original poster
kravestix · 16/09/2021 18:19

@Plumtree391 the very much MN slated Creative Writing!

OP posts:
Notonmywitch · 16/09/2021 18:25

Wow thats such a weird thing for him to say. He needs compromise, consider moving away but within a certain distance. What are you going to do?Flowers

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 16/09/2021 18:37

OP, I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think you and DS should move. I don't agree with PP saying that you should try to make the most of what you currently have - you only have ONE life and you should make the most of it.

If you want to move, get your ducks in a row and live the life you want to live.

If your DH wouldn't even come and VISIT your son... well then that's very sad indeed. And you could always come back to visit as a compromise.

You obviously can't expect him to leave his children. But if you want different things your son will pick up on the resentment.

RedskyThisNight · 16/09/2021 18:46

You obviously can't expect him to leave his children.

But it's ok for OP to take his child away from him?

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 19:10

[quote kravestix]@Plumtree391 the very much MN slated Creative Writing! [/quote]
I didn't know creative writing was slated. To me, it is an important, even vital, part of education.

Flowers500 · 16/09/2021 20:01

@amijustparanoidorjuststoned

OP, I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think you and DS should move. I don't agree with PP saying that you should try to make the most of what you currently have - you only have ONE life and you should make the most of it.

If you want to move, get your ducks in a row and live the life you want to live.

If your DH wouldn't even come and VISIT your son... well then that's very sad indeed. And you could always come back to visit as a compromise.

You obviously can't expect him to leave his children. But if you want different things your son will pick up on the resentment.

Poor fucking child
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