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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

351 replies

kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:10

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Shadedog · 16/09/2021 09:57

You’re a dreamer. “DH, will you sell up and move 6 hours away from your kids and parents where I will still be hankering after what is around the corner or over the brow of the hill?”
No, he’ll leave his kids and you’ll still want something different.

Zilla1 · 16/09/2021 09:57

@andyoldlabour I've seen many/most men in the circumstances when forced to choose favour their (new) wife over children, family and friends either financially favouring step-children over birth children and/or by relocating. The impacts on the earlier DC can be catastrophic to their relationship with their DF and to their self-esteem.

Original poster
kravestix · 16/09/2021 09:58

@callmeadoctor

6 hours away (if its uk) is from one side of the uk to the other. Clearly ridiculous to move so far on a whim. Tell us what area you are and we will find you nice near cheap places to live. I can absolutely guarantee you that OP.
As a PP guessed. We are Dover based.
OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 10:02

I agree with callmeadoctor, above. I've only just noticed you wanted to move about six hours away, op.

Six hours is virtually the other side of the world! You cannot expect your husband to leave his children behind in those circumstances.

There are lots of nice places along the south east coast and a bit inland. You say you live in a 'grotty' area but could probably find something decent in a nicer area, not too far away.

Do you want to get away from your step children? If so, that's really not fair; however I know you haven't said that even though it would look like that to them. They need to have their dad around, you, who felt abandoned by your father, must realise that. You married a divorced man with children.

Things will improve for you when you start your university course and I wish you good luck with that.

Original poster
kravestix · 16/09/2021 10:02

@Quartz2208

You strike me as an If Only person. If only I moved I would be happier, If only I was able to do this.

You seem unhappy and are pinning all your hopes and happiness on moving now - when moving wont actually solve anything.

You mention him not wanting to get a dog, which in isolation sounds harsh but I wonder if he thinks that you will realise fairly soon that it wont solve anything and move on.

But at the same time you know he wont move. So it is easier then rather than deal with what is making you unhappy put it down to not moving knowing that will never happen so you dont have to deal with it

I do have that attitude to a lot of things, the if only thing but not to animals or owning pets. It's a lifetime commitment. For all my faults in every other area of life, I'm actually a very responsible pet owner. Apart from my DS, nothing makes me happier than animals and the sheer joy they bring to my life. I grew up with a dog and desperately miss having one. I adore animals, all animals and can often be found in the garden stroking snails. 😂
OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 16/09/2021 10:03

Op, you remind me of someone I know. She had been with her husband since they were kids but after they had had one child she left him, then realised she'd made a mistake and they got back together, then she started a career (a good one), then had two more kids and decided the job wasn't for her anymore so left to do something else, then quit that to train as something else, then realised she no longer wanted to do that and is now training for another career at 43. She also wanted to move house, so they did and now she wants to go back to the area they were in before so are selling up.

I think her husband is an angel (or crazy) but she just never seems happy. Sometimes we need to stop chasing what we think we want and find happiness in what we have.

You don't have friends? Make some. Join a club or activity locally. It's never too late to make new friends. No-one else is responsible for your happiness but you.

ravenmum · 16/09/2021 10:06

My exh told me that, out of the generosity of his heart, he would be prepared to let me move back to the UK because he knew I missed it. He was also against us getting another pet. And an expensive sofa.
Turned out it was because he was planning a new life with his mistress so didn't want to invest in his current relationship. And wanted me to be the one to leave.
Being a dreamer is all well and good, but it's also useful to have plans for how you would live if no longer together.

andyoldlabour · 16/09/2021 10:06

Zilla1

I am a bit confused by your post. I don't have a "new" wife or any children, but I would still choose my wife of 31 years over friends and family. We have had to do that in the past over two of my family members and one of her family members trying to split us up.

Tistheseason17 · 16/09/2021 10:10

OP, if your DM is so toxic - why can't you cut her off?
This would improve your happiness dramatically. I certainly would not let my not so DM near my children. Her title of DM us not an entitlement to treat you badly. Do not feel guilty about cutting off a toxic person - it may actually force her to change.

choli · 16/09/2021 10:11

@andyoldlabour

As a bloke, I would choose wife over friends and family every time.
As a woman I would not choose to have a child with a man who already has four from unsuccessful relationships. It limits your options to an extreme degree.
KarmaViolet · 16/09/2021 10:16

@NinjaBreadMan

My money’s on a midlife diagnosis of high functioning ASD with a heavy dose of maladaptive daydreaming you use to cope with day to day life.
This, although I would also throw ADHD in as a possibility given how it can appear in women.
ManifestDestinee · 16/09/2021 10:17

@andyoldlabour

As a bloke, I would choose wife over friends and family every time.
Whats that got to do with anything, unless you would choose your wife over your children?
SoupDragon · 16/09/2021 10:19

@andyoldlabour

As a bloke, I would choose wife over friends and family every time.
You'd choose a wife over your children?
Bluntness100 · 16/09/2021 10:19

@andyoldlabour

As a bloke, I would choose wife over friends and family every time.
Um he’s choosing his kids.
RowanAlong · 16/09/2021 10:21

Hi, as previous poster suggested, is there a compromise here? Moving to an area that’s still accessible to his kids and parents but feels like puts a little bit of distance between you and your toxic family? Plus new house new start, etc? Or are you meaning away away, to a different part of the country?

Greenspace754 · 16/09/2021 10:25

You are at a crossroads. I have moved me and my kids away from a toxic person and I cannot tell you how lovely it is to know they can't just show up and lay all the problems on me. Although if I were you I would start to think about where you would go. Think about your finances, childcare etc. You could ive in the loveliest place but without a network and the support from your partner it could be just as miserable. I would do lots of research, rental costs, jobs available, cost of childcare, schools and maybe think about going to some activities to meet other people. If you go it alone you will need to create a network.

Then think about your life now, is your partner right for you? Does he support you, does he make your life better. Could you compromise and move just far enough away to feel better but close enough so he can see his family. Good luck xxx

rwalker · 16/09/2021 10:30

I can see both sides but i think you are being more selfish than him.

Typical MN double standards there piling in calling him a twat and selfish yet can you imagine if someone posted
EX DH moving away from his kids as new wife doesn't like area he'd be slated

picklemewalnuts · 16/09/2021 10:30

You need to tweak your life now to be more satisfying. Work with DH on this- point out that you are staying, but you'd like him to help you build more satisfying things into your life.

Things like-
going on a day trip to somewhere new once a month
Volunteering in an animal setting
One night out every two weeks to meet up on uni related things.

That sounds really prosaic, but you'd be seeing new people and places on a regular basis without losing what you've already got.

The list would have to be worked out between you. You can make this work, though.

Zilla1 · 16/09/2021 10:33

@andyoldlabour I as partly agreeing with you that IME many/most men do the same, while adding in the dimension as @Bluntness100, @SoupDragon, @ManifestDestinee had also observed that in the OP's case, there are other DC and you didn't mention leaving DC behind.

MichelleScarn · 16/09/2021 10:36

@RowanAlong

Hi, as previous poster suggested, is there a compromise here? Moving to an area that’s still accessible to his kids and parents but feels like puts a little bit of distance between you and your toxic family? Plus new house new start, etc? Or are you meaning away away, to a different part of the country?
Op has no idea where she wants to go, other than somewhere about 6 hours away. What about your about to start uni course OP can you get a place on the same course somewhere else once you find out where it is you want to go? What about child care for your DC while you are on the course/working?
bravelittlepenguin · 16/09/2021 10:38

I think this is crazy- no way would my husband be ok with this or suggest it and my DH would definitely move out if an area he knows to make me happy, as would I if it was reversed. His priority should be you and his child. Unless you are asking to move many hundreds of miles away which would mean he would rarely see his other children then I honestly can't understand why he is being so unreasonable. He's actually suggesting he divorces his wife and leaves his child so that he can stay in an area he has grown up in?

Is it possible that he's just very scared about the prospect of leaving and that he would change his mind if you discussed it in less scary terms e.g "we could move to x town which is only 30 minutes from your family to allow you to still see them as much as you do now..."?

RedskyThisNight · 16/09/2021 10:39

@bravelittlepenguin

I think this is crazy- no way would my husband be ok with this or suggest it and my DH would definitely move out if an area he knows to make me happy, as would I if it was reversed. His priority should be you and his child. Unless you are asking to move many hundreds of miles away which would mean he would rarely see his other children then I honestly can't understand why he is being so unreasonable. He's actually suggesting he divorces his wife and leaves his child so that he can stay in an area he has grown up in?

Is it possible that he's just very scared about the prospect of leaving and that he would change his mind if you discussed it in less scary terms e.g "we could move to x town which is only 30 minutes from your family to allow you to still see them as much as you do now..."?

OP wants to move 6 hours away.
SoupDragon · 16/09/2021 10:44

and my DH would definitely move out if an area he knows to make me happy, as would I if it was reversed. His priority should be you and his child.

Your DH would move away from 4 of his children just to make you happy? You would move away from 4 of your children to make your DH happy? Really? That's pretty shit parenting.

Why should the priority be only one of his children? Do the others not count?

QforCucumber · 16/09/2021 10:49

What exactly about a town 6 hours away would be so unbelievably amazing that your lives would be changed for the better?

From where I live it would be a 5 hour drive to Dover, we are almost coastal. There's nothing special here, nothing that I can't imagine wouldn't be exactly the same where you are.

So what, specifically, makes you think it would be all sunshine and roses?

QforCucumber · 16/09/2021 10:52

@bravelittlepenguin Unless you are asking to move many hundreds of miles away which would mean he would rarely see his other children then I honestly can't understand why he is being so unreasonable.

That is precisely what she is asking, to move a 6 hour drive away from his other children

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