Need a hand-hold /advice, DD miserable in Freshers Week

[Snufkin2]

DD moved into halls at the weekend. She's always been quite independent. Not the chattiest but able to go into situations where she doesn't know anyone else and make the best of it. She's travelled independently as well. We hadn't heard much from her - one-line texts etc but she seemed to be going out, meeting people. This afternoon she phoned, distraught. She hadn't left her room all day, feeling panicky, didn't want to go through to kitchen in case she saw someone and started crying. She's been trying to do things till today but feels everyone else has friends already and she's just tagging along and really finding it harder and harder to put herself out there. I tried to reassure her that there are problems lots of folk feeling similar just now and managed to talk her through coming out of the bedroom and at least having something to eat. We discussed maybe looking at different clubs, or student volunteering, and that things will probably get easier when her course starts next week (although a lot of it's on line so not sure how true this is). My heart's just breaking for her though. I wanted to go and see her and give her a hug and take her out for a coffee or something (she's about 3hrs away but that doesn't matter) but don't want to make things worse for her and when I offered to go today she said not to. I can't go tomorrow as am working but could on Thurs so will see how she is then. I've also given her the number for the on site student support service. I just feel completely knotted up about it and wondered if anyone had experienced similar and come through it, or if people genuinely "have a ball" during Freshers Week. Any advice gratefully received.

Freshers week is tough, especially at the moment. She'll meet people in her lectures and will make friends.

Everyone feels the same! Some are maybe just better at hiding it. Try and tell her that 99% of people will be feeling just like her. Definitely encourage her to leave her room, just a simple 5 minute conversation with someone could be enough to start feeling positive.

I felt like that all the way through secondary school and for the first year of university. Then i just happened to meet some people of my wavelength and things changed. I ended up really enjoying it.

20 years later I am married to DH who I met in the 2nd year.

Keep an eye of it on case it develops into a longer term anxiety. Medication and counselling really helped me. Medication took the edge of the anxiety and allowed me to be ‘normal’.

Tell her the friends you make in freshers week are the ones you have pretty much to do with by xmas. There’s a sort of desperate scramble for friends, but it doesn’t mean anything. She’ll meet her people soon enough! And she’ll have the best time.

Thanks, that's encouraging. She did go out briefly this afternoon after I spoke to her and I've encouraged her to try and do something each day.

It's very early days - she's only been there a few days! I've got no experience of dc going through this but I remember my own experience and it takes time to find your tribe. Getting out of her room and talking to as many different people as possible is the best plan. I met one of my best friends looking at our timetable on a notice board. We just got chatting and went for a coffee and that was it - friends for life! I know it must be more difficult with so much stuff online but hopefully there will still be events she can go to to meet people too. It'll also be easier when lectures start and there's a bit more structure - so encourage her to hang in there!!

I remember calling my parents at 3am and asking them to come and get me! My dad didn't come at 3am but he did drive from Dorset to Wales at approx 7am and took me home for a few days.

I didn't want to go back but my parents persuaded me to give it a go. It did take a while for me to settle but I do remember my uni days fondly.

I'm a lecturer. Believe me ..it's totally normal. Tell her to talk to her personal tutor or student services or just any staff. There will be loads of people who will be happy to chat and offer support. Ours do all sorts of drop in sessions for new students who are basically just having trouble settling in.

I have had big strapping lads crying in my office before through homesickness. (Who then went on to love the course and do really well) Give it time.

You have my sympathy OP - DD was terribly depressed the first two months or so of uni despite having loads of friends there and doing well academically. Her blunt, clearly trying to hide the fact she was very unhappy, one line texts still haunt me - as do the memories of her ringing in floods of tears It really, really did get so much better for her though. Big hugs to you both

My best friend was really worried about her son when he started at uni. He was quiet, shy and a bit awkward. He was ringing every night and sometimes during the day. She was all for going down there but, like you, didn't want to make things worse. But she was desperately concerned. Then one day he didn't call. In fact he didn't call for several days. Then she became worried about that. Haha. But he'd found his feet and his people, and he never looked back. Give it a bit of time.

That's one thing I really want to try and avoid Niki, is bringing her home, I just feel it would make going back so much harder. That's also why I'm not sure if going to see her there would be the right thing you to do - whether it might make things worse.

Also wanted to add tell your DD that these people who are posting all over Instagram etc looking like they are having a ball at Freshers may well be feeling the exact same as your DD! Like I said, my DD had absolutely stacks of friends from the second I dropped her off at halls and was posting all over social media pics of her and her new housemates. from the outside you’d think it was the time of her life, but really she was feeling very anxious about fitting in.

Honestly both of my girls experienced this. They went off, confident and happy...and both begged to come home at different stages in their first year.
Freshers week is awful.. all false joining in (and drunkeness) and everyone scrambing to look like they are having a fab time, when in reality an awful lot are scared, bewildered and wanting their homes and Mums mostly!
She will find her people.. not this week, but over time!
I wanted to rush up and fetch them but knew not to. One settled in a matter of weeks and the friends she made 6 years ago were all at her wedding this weekend!, the other frankly didn't and became quite unwell..but persisted, found her tribe in her second year and is now a happy doctor with fabulous friends that she made along the way.

It can be really tough the first few weeks, but it does settle, and she will find friends. It's hard to be on the end of the calls and texts though .

I’m not convinced Freshers Week is a good thing. I didn’t go to any Freshers events. The friends I made were the ones on my course once classes started. I literally went down on the Saturday and my first lecture was on the Monday.

Thanks Mumteedum, that's reassuring, as are all these positive stories, thank you all.

I ended up going up to ds on the first two weekends and also one day in the first week to take him to student support ( who were lovely and offered lots of help including a 'buddy' from the 2nd year) he took a few weeks to settle but once he had loved his time at uni.

I found it helpful to get out of the uni bubble when I was lonely. Go and have a walk in the park, visit the shops, have coffee, get to know the city and see ordinary people going about their business.
Can you say what Uni she's at? Someone might be able to suggest a nice place to visit or maybe even have some clue of what is going on in the student union. DD's university runs day trips and outings in freshers week, to local tourist attractions, IKEA etc or just city walking tours. You could go one on of them on your own even if you're brave enough to walk into a party night on your own.

She’ll be ok. It’s really hard for a lot of people at first but I found once you start lectures and clubs, you soon make friends. She might need to make the first move and some people in her halls if they fancy a drink or doing something but she’ll probably find they’re relieved she asked!

My eldest went through the exact same thing. I could have cried most days in the early months listening to him tell me how much he was struggling. But once he got into the swing of lectures and group tasks etc he found it alot easier. He didn't partake in Freshers week at all and I also encouraged him to go for a short walk every day even if just to the shop just so I knew he wouldn't be stuck in his room all day. This bit will pass for your dd as it did for him, you've just got to hang in there, it will get easier

I think she's been trying quite hard the first few days, making the first move, exchanging contact details etc but says nothing comes of it eg if she messages next day about meeting up or something.

Tell her to think of university (and friendships and everything tied into it) as a marathon not a sprint. If you start off to quickly you burn out. She needs to give herself a break, rest, and then pick up and carry on. It baffles me why freshers stuff is crammed into a few days instead of spread out over a longer time. Everyone there will be feeling the same, it's so hard to adjust to the changes, friendships build up over time.

Totally normal! It’s bloody exhausting being “on” all the time with new people, presenting your best self etc. Bound to have a crash at some point in these early days. Keeping busy is key, suggest she has a task each day - buy books, register with doctor, go to gym, laundry or whatever - and as hard as it seems avoiding the kitchen is the worst thing she can do as it will become a self fulfilling prophesy (I don’t know anyone so I’ll avoid the kitchen and so I don’t know anyone). Remind her that this is a random group of people put together and none of them have to be her best friend but most people find something or other to chat to others about!

DS2 felt like this and I won't lie, it didn't go away easily and got worse before it got better. This was last year though, when everything was online so there was no way of meeting fellow students, and he ended up living alone as the other flatmates chose to live at home since everything was remote. Sounds like your DD has a better chance than that of meeting people.

What changed it for him was volunteering for two different charities he really cared about that are linked to the uni. He met some lovely fellow students at both of them and has built a social life around them.

Thanks Youneverknow101.i have been pretty upset today, not letting her know that though. I don't think i saw this coming, had forgotten how stressful Freshers Week can be.

DD rang us up sobbing last year and asked to be picked up. Her flatmates were being truly awful to her and were holding massive parties in the kitchen with no social distancing or masks. We picked her up (just for a few days) but then she couldn't return as 2 flatmates had caught Covid and then the other 2 had it a week later. And by that point my daughters course was all online. Pre-covid we would have made her stay and sort things out herself. It's so hard for them these days.