Need a hand-hold /advice, DD miserable in Freshers Week

[Snufkin2]

DD moved into halls at the weekend. She's always been quite independent. Not the chattiest but able to go into situations where she doesn't know anyone else and make the best of it. She's travelled independently as well. We hadn't heard much from her - one-line texts etc but she seemed to be going out, meeting people. This afternoon she phoned, distraught. She hadn't left her room all day, feeling panicky, didn't want to go through to kitchen in case she saw someone and started crying. She's been trying to do things till today but feels everyone else has friends already and she's just tagging along and really finding it harder and harder to put herself out there. I tried to reassure her that there are problems lots of folk feeling similar just now and managed to talk her through coming out of the bedroom and at least having something to eat. We discussed maybe looking at different clubs, or student volunteering, and that things will probably get easier when her course starts next week (although a lot of it's on line so not sure how true this is). My heart's just breaking for her though. I wanted to go and see her and give her a hug and take her out for a coffee or something (she's about 3hrs away but that doesn't matter) but don't want to make things worse for her and when I offered to go today she said not to. I can't go tomorrow as am working but could on Thurs so will see how she is then. I've also given her the number for the on site student support service. I just feel completely knotted up about it and wondered if anyone had experienced similar and come through it, or if people genuinely "have a ball" during Freshers Week. Any advice gratefully received.

My DD forced herself to make long and complicated meals in the kitchen for the first week, so she would be in there as people came in and out and could chat to them.

It’s normal for a lot of students. Don’t be surprised if the homesickness is quite severe for the whole of the first term

Oh dear this brings back memories!! I was the student crying down the phone to be picked up, my mum refused! She said give it a month and talk to her about it then. I went to lots of things in freshers week, hated most of them but did make friends and stayed. It’s really hard but tell her to give it a go, it takes time to settle in. I really feel for you both.

I am seeing loads of messages like that on student room too.

I remember freshers week was only a weekend for me 30 years ago. I think I went to see a film at student union and watched tv in room. Happier when classes started.

I also did freshers week 2 years ago on a second degree. Just did all the many daytime events -campus tour,meet tutors, tour library, how to use it system and did one social thing (Friday afternoon bbq). Freshers fair had tons of events got the quieter student -book clubs, volunteering,crafts and the chapel hosted events for anyone to drop in.
So I'd just keep head down, attend the fair then maybe go to the library and get some intro books for her subject and/or how to study type books. Go to town and go to cinema. Just be busy until classes start.

Sounds like she has moved out from a loving nuturing home to sudden and total independence. Its a transition from childlike dependence to adulthood and it so hard.
Keep reassuring her OP

It is totally normal and if you can, resist the urge to go and visit her for a couple of weeks. She will meet her tribe eventually. Most of the people you buddy up with in freshers week you never bother with again. It will get better once lectures start. Have any of the clubs got going yet> This is where she will meet people on her wavelength.

Now might be a good time for her to get to know her new home too. It sounds lame, but get her to look at geocaching - go and find some of those in her local area. It is a good thing to kee the mind occupied.

I struggled in uni at first. The course started and I met some likeminded people. In week three I met the person who would later travel from S Africa to attend my wedding and is now my 25 year old dd's godmother.

She needs to say yes to everything. I am not very out going but if I heard of a night out I would invite myself along.

My two closest friends I have now - I only really got friendly with them midway through first term.

At this stage it's really hard to know who is going to be a long term friend. She won't like everyone but she will find people.

How is her hall set up? We were on a long corridor and used to have a lot of corridor cuppas sitting outside our rooms.

Also if she can bear it - open her door - makes her seem approachable

Try and persuade her to go out every day if only for fresh air. Also, getting her bearings and sorting out little things like library registration will be useful.

Don't forget the Student Union. Mine had pretty good support services and the women's officers can often be really good.

I had a very hard time initially, but it got better. Funnily enough, quite a lot of my more adventurous peers spent the rest of the first term disentangling themselves from the messes/relationships/memberships/perceptions they had got into during Freshers' Week. I spent too much time in my room but at least I was spared that.

The key thing at the moment for your DD is not to panic and not to put pressure on herself with sky-high expectations of having umpteen friends and achievements in the first week.

Don't let your DD come home, at least not yet. Better to send her some cash and tell her to have fun spending it.

@Ginmakesitallok

My dd is in a similar position, except she's v introverted so not comfortable "putting herself out there" at all. She's in a flat with 2 older girls, everything on line until Christmas. We dropped her off on Sunday, and she's booked train to come home at the weekend. It doesn't help that a Facebook group I'm on constantly says that the first couple of weeks are key to finding flatmates for next year...

At Liverpool they organise an event in February for those looking to share ho uses. Some of my dds friends that she made later on rushed into house sharea so she couldn't share with them. She ended up finding some very palatable housemates through this event that she knew she could get on with and because she lives in a student area all her closer friends are nearby. A lot of those that rushed in are miserable with their housemates.

I've found that it takes 12 weeks to make friends. I've been a fresher at 2 universities (studied 2 different courses) and it took that long to make proper friends. Agree with the volunteering, it will definitely help. Even if she stood in the kitchen often having a drink, she ll get to know the others. Being in her room won't help. I'm sorry she's feeling like this. I know she ll make friends soon.

Oh lord I hated freshers week. I didn't love getting really drunk and (still) find it really difficult to connect with people in big groups. I found it much easier to make friends in clubs and societies, and then once you have a few friends it's way easier to make more.

Feel really sorry for the students learning online at the moment, there's nothing like that lecture hall/seminar experience, I think it's criminal tbh.

Like others have said, I wouldn't bring her home as it would be tough for her to return but I wouldn't rule out a visit for a few hours to give her a reassuring hug and a bit of relief from constant strangers.

I studied abroad and found it really tough at first, to the point wanted to come home. My ddad was good enough to come and visit me for a bit and it made all the difference in the world and really helped knowing he'd be there if I really needed him.

I feel for you. No advice to offer that hasn't already given. I'm another with a daughter struggling to settle.

I do keep telling her that she really isn't the only one and there is a strong chance that behind closed doors, a lot of her fellow students will also be in tears! She is not a party animal so is doing bits and pieces of fresher activities and pacing herself. I've just got her to make a plan for each day. A bit of exploring, both the campus and the local town. Get to know her flatmates etc. I have said that I'm sure that once her studies start it'll be completely different as she will have a routine.
I think honestly she'd have been better going straight into studies rather than this very confusing week.

I hope your daughter is OK, have a handhold x

Definitely if she is into any sport or interested in any sport tell her to join the club - I wasnt sporty pre uni but joined a club I was interested in and met 2/3 of my best friends and my husband that way. Also, i made no pals at all in freshers week but lots when practical classes started (my other best pals!)

It’s perfectly normal. Just reassure her a lot of people are in the same boat and encourage her just to keep getting out and meeting people. Freshers week is such a small part of uni life.

I made friends with people on freshers week but never truly gelled with them. My true friends were the ones I made on my course (who you see all the time) and the ones through some volunteer activities I did.

My DD was like this last year. There was no Freshers Week so she was pretty much sat in her room all the time. After her first week we facetimed her as it was my birthday. As soon as she saw us she burst into tears, telling us she was missing us and the dog! My DH wanted to go up there to see her but I said not to, as hard as it was. I cried when I came off the call. I also encouraged her to go out for a walk or into town to buy a coffee, just to get out of her room. By the end of the second week she had made some new friends who she had met at the bus stop, they were on the same course as her and from there has made loads more friends. She is moving into a share house with them this year. I'm sure things will get better for your DD.

Does she bake? How about she goes to the kitchen and bakes brownies for everyone in her flat? This keeps her in the kitchen for a while (which I understand is the social hub) but gives her a valid reason for being there and something to physically do if she feels awkward. The gorgeous smell of baking is bound to attract attention and once they're done, well who doesn't love a fresh out of the oven brownie? Hopefully, this will easily lead to chatting etc but in an easy, low key way.

I definitely felt like that 25 years ago and it must be even harder at the moment. It took me until the first reading week (halfway through first term) to meet a few friends that I got on well with (still friends now) and I wondered whether I'd made a big mistake. By Christmas I was gutted that I had to go home for four weeks

I knew a few people who continued to feel they were at the wrong uni and left at Christmas or the end of first year. My uni encouraged students to stick it out until Christmas if at all possible, knowing that most changed their minds by then. My friends all admitted they'd felt the same as me during the first few weeks.

This was me
I hated it so I begged my mum to come and get me she said give it time
So I got a taxi and threw my stuff in and came home (from Newcastle to Nottingham!!)
Went to Nottingham and lived at home
Much happier
It's not for everyone

Are you on the WIWIKAU Facebook group? Several are in the same boat and lots of good advice is being given.

I remember feeling like your DD. It seemed like everyone else had found a new best friend and was having a great time, whereas I was just at best sort of tagging along. I can distinctly remember nights out where I felt I needed to be there to meet people but I seemed to have very little in common with anyone I was with and it felt like I was the one always making the effort to fit in. What I hadn't realised at the time was that there were a few pretty loud people dominating every gathering and loads of people more like me just tagging along and pretending. After a few weeks I gradually got to know some of my flat mates quite well and some of the other students on my course and everything was much better. My top tip is to be a frequent maker of tea/coffee/hot chocolate for your flat-mates. I found that was a great way to get chatting to people without seeming awkward- anyone who also felt like a chat would hang around in the kitchen and people who just wanted a drink to take to their room would do that. No-one will ever object to being offered a drink. Bonus points if biscuits are involved! If you want to feel like you're doing something OP, you could perhaps send her some nice drinks/biscuits for the flat.

As an amusing (now, not at the time) aside- someone I met at University who is still a great friend 25+ years later was one of those who thought she had found a new best mate in freshers' week. On week 2, the cool new friend actually sat her down and told her she was moving on and had found someone else to be her best friend because 'you're really pretty so I thought you'd be in with all the cool people, but you're not'. !!!

@peaceanddove

Does she bake? How about she goes to the kitchen and bakes brownies for everyone in her flat? This keeps her in the kitchen for a while (which I understand is the social hub) but gives her a valid reason for being there and something to physically do if she feels awkward. The gorgeous smell of baking is bound to attract attention and once they're done, well who doesn't love a fresh out of the oven brownie? Hopefully, this will easily lead to chatting etc but in an easy, low key way.

That assumes there is an oven! Otherwise can you send cake/cookies for her to share, even if she just leaves put in kitchen with a note to help themselves as a hello from x in room y. Food is a good icebreaker.

My daughter is in her third year. She went out on Monday night and was looking after quite a few 1st years who were struggling. Freshers week is hard for lots of them.

Hope your daughter feels better soon.

DD was very similar.

Can you organise her some tasks?
If she cooks have ingredients for a roast dinner/pudding delivered so she has to physically meet the delivery and go in the kitchen.

Book a beauty treatment/hair appointment at a local salon to get her out and connecting.

A voucher for a local shop or garden centre she can walk to to buy a house plant or something for her room.

Most Uni's have Nightline which is a telephone support service. She might find it helpful to talk to them about how she feels or even consider volunteering there. You have given great advice though, it will be easier once lectures/tutor groups start.